Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Eyvette, Oct 6, 2019.

  1. Eyvette

    Eyvette New Member

    This is my first post. Right now I'm sitting in Denny's parking lot waiting for nearly 2 hours waiting for my homeless son to show up. He's been homeless for a number of years 15+, the only time he's not is when he's in jail on some minor infarction. I bought a tent this morning along what a sleeping bag and some food to give to him. While I wait I passbout chicken and fruit and drinks to the other homeless people that I see walk by. My heart is heavy, and the sadness overwhelms my brain and body. I feel awful that I am ashamed and mad that this is how he chose to live his life.... to him everyone else is the blame
    for the way he turned out. My son had a good life from a loving family and while I know mental illness played a part in the way his life turned out, I'm still angry that he doesn't do anything about it. The only time that he seems to do well is when he's in jail and on medication shortly after he gets out itbstarts all over again. My son is 37 years old, and although I want to be hopeful I don't think the way he is living his life will ever change. I keep telling myself to just leave go home but the mother and me sits and stays hoping you show up.
  2. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    Welcome, Eyvette,
    It must be terribly hard to wait for your son to show and to experience the disappointment and worry you must be dealing with. I thought it was a very compassionate thing to pass out food and drinks to other homeless people while waiting for your son. You are sharing your gifts, being loving, and maybe this will help in finding acceptance and peace .
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Prayers for you and your son. I know you are in a very difficult situation.

    Stay with us. You will get a lot of love and patience and advice here.

    Did he show up? Do you have a support system that helps you? Do you have family?
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  4. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...


    I’m sorry for all your going through. The disappointment, hurt and grief of not being able to experience a reciprocating and loving relationship with our adult children is sometimes more than our hearts can bear. For me it’s remembering when they were younger and ran up to me with wide eyed love and wrapped their arms around me. I think for me that’s something I know I will never have again and haven’t for a very long time.

    Right now all the loving is by me. I have two homeless sons who are 30 and 26. The younger one just got a job at a pizza place but I feel this won’t last long. Like usual. My last conversation with him he was starting to take issue with some “injustices” taking place.

    The typical stuff like “they’re holding a week pay back”. Says he’s working for free etc. no sense in trying to tell him that’s how most employers do it. You don’t normally get paid for the week you’re working in. All he keeps saying in yeah. I’m working for free. Doesn’t listen to anything I say.

    Heartbreaking when mental illness anger and addiction swallow them up.

    Stay close to God if you can. Take care of yourself.

    I will keep you in my prayers.
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  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear Eyvette

    Welcome. I am so very sorry. My own son has spent the better part of the past 8 years in some variety of homelessness. With him, too, mental illness has played a part. My son is loved greatly and I never in my wildest dreams/nightmares could have imagined that our lives would be as they are.

    Right now my son (he just turned 31) is living in a home that I own. It has not been going well. He will not follow rules. He prefers dependency which means everybody else (mostly me) providing for his needs, with full freedom and autonomy. In other words, he prefers to call the shots. Nobody could live like this, how I am asking myself to live. But find it so impossibly hard when he is on the street or near it.

    So. I do understand how you feel, the grief, frustration and anger. Yes. Anger. Because our children pull us down with them, unless we work very, very hard to maintain a strong separation, which I have been unable to do.

    I can do it for 6 to 8 weeks. That's the longest. And then there is either fear or longing, that take over, and I am despondent. Which is why we are trying yet again to help him establish himself living near us.

    I think the thing that brings me down the farthest and the most is when I live my life centered in him. In other words, define my own well-being based upon his functioning, his mood, his circumstances, especially expectations that he do one thing or another. Because the reality is that I control not one thing in his life or personality. The other thing that brings me down is murky boundaries. When I expose myself to the effects of how he behaves, to what he does.

    Like waiting for him. When he was in the large metro 3 hours away by train, I went 3 times to meet him. I missed him so. Three times I traveled there, and three times he did not show up. He could have called or texted so that I could have avoided a day of travel only to turn around and return home, but he was indifferent.

    We have control over whether or not we expose ourselves to this hurt. I know that I expose myself to this hurt, but I do it anyway. There are mothers here who have had the strength to no longer do this. My friend M, who I refer to often, calls this acting like a mother. He sees this as a choice. I agree with him. But I also think that one can be a good mother, by setting protective boundaries, that demonstrate dignity and self-care. It's not necessary to keep doing the same thing, if one gets the same painful result. It does not help our sons, if we sacrifice ourselves. If anything, they are helped by the contrary. By mothers who have a bottom line.

    I only want to add one thing. That our sons have been homeless 8 years or 18 years does not mean that they will continue so. People change their lives all of the time. The same way that we can change, by having a bottom line, by filling our lives with meaning and hope and support, they can change too. Just like that. Life entails choice. The possibility to choose differently is offered every waking minute of every day.

    I think our responsibility is to live from that place: The belief in life that it is possible (and required) that we choose from hope every day. The only ones we have control over are ourselves. To live from hope each day, for us. And only after we do this for us, pray for our children to do the same.

    I am glad you found us. There are a number of us here in the exact same circumstance you find yourself in. The message here, is that we don't have to stay in that place with our children. We can live from another place. Hope.
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2019
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Hi and I am sorry for your situation.

    I have a 33 year old daughter who is about to be evicted from her apartment. This eviction includes her idiot husband and my grandchild. Kay will probably reluctantly hand over my grandchild to her sister because he would be an impediment to Plan B and she has said so much to others, but she is unpredictable.

    Her sister is going to get a lawyer and try for guardianship of the little boy if Kay and Lee become homeless. Kay and her husband have burned every family bridge and nobody will allow them to stay with them. She already has stayed with most. Bad outcomes.

    My husband and I let go with love. We have to. She can no longer live with us and we spent so much trying to fix her that we have little left. We won't spend the rest on her.

    My daughter won't speak to us since we stopped doling out money. We heard from a neice whom she hasn't blocked on FB that she had a Go Fund Me account for some illness she claims to have and made a few thousand bucks,! I am appalled. Although I don't know the story details, nor does any family, she suddenly has a very old camper that still runs.

    Put two and two together and she bought this antique camper which she.posted on her FB page possibly from the fake Go Fund Me account, but we can't prove it and nobody knows for sure. I just found out about this last night from my niece. And she has no details either. I am reeling.

    Kay's Plan B has always been to live the RV life in a pot friendly state like California in some rig. She romanticized how "cool" this would be. Lee likes the idea too. The details of how they would find gas money etc eludes me. For other necessities I'm sure they will get on benefits.

    No way is Jaden going if anyone can stop it. That little boy deserves better than being homeless in an old camper because Lee and Kay won't or can't support him.

    I guess I stole your thread. I am so sorry. I meant to let you know that you are NOT alone, especially here, and that we support you in every way and that we know how it hurts

    God bless you and your family.
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2019
  7. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Eyvette, I'm so sorry for the hurt you're experiencing. Each one of us here recognizes only too well the pain in your written words. I have a 29YO adopted, biracial son in Denver. He is almost homeless, can't hold a job, and can't see he is sick. It's "our fault" and we have "never been there for him." He has me blocked right now.
    Anyway, please stick around because there is compassion and wisdom here that you will need to stay sane through this. Again, I'm so sorry. None of us ever thought things would turn out this way.
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome! I'm sorry for the heartache you are feeling but know that you are not alone.
    My son is also 37 and has been homeless for years. Read my signature for snapshot of what I've dealt with.
    I'm glad you are here with us. Within these pages you will find comfort and support.
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  9. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Welcome Yvette. My story is parallel with yours except that my 41 year old alcoholic abusive daughter (once a very caring person and close to me) is still manipulating to find a place to stay with her dogs. She has yet to hit rock bottom. She thinks nothing of all the money we have given to help her "get on her feet". When the money stopped, it unleashed a person I do not know. I pray for a glimce of the daughter I raised and thanked God for and once in a while I get it. I understand.

    I send my daughter love everyday and let go. She lives 1200 miles away right now, where we have no family. But if she was closer, I think that would be hard too. My heart goes out to you. You are being supportive in the only way he will let you. That said, if it is interfering with your daily emotional health, maybe it's time to tighten the boundaries that protect you. Tears are falling for you, because I feel your pain. It is painful for all of us here.

    I try to acknowledge the pain for what it is without judging it. The letters I use when I start to give in are S&S, Stop-Sooth. Stop hand out in gesture, Sooth as I take a deep breath, feel my shoulders relax and lean into letting go. Sometimes, I do it demonstratively, others using creative visualization.

    I havent read others comments yet, but I always find something I can use for myself.

    Love and light to you.
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  10. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Perfectly explains the conundrum we luve in that noone else on earth can understand except those of us who live it. Honest and hopeful. Thank you.
  11. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Busy, I am so sorry to hear this. You just helped me realize this could be what May is doing. The whole family cant figure out where she gets money. We learn from each other.

    This situation is why we set the boundaries we do. They would spend every penny we ever saved for our retirement and never think a thing of it. May lacks empathy as part of her mental disorder, whatever it may be. Love to you as you work through this to acceptance. It's like we go through a grieving process over and over again.
  12. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I learned that my daughter panhandles at times. She is very good at it as she is pretty. I think she has prostituted with Lee's approval which appalls and shames me. I can't prove it and never want to know this if she did. I also know she has shoplifted with Lee and sold her stolen goods. I don't know specifics but Lee was sort of bragging about it once, then said "I'm kidding." I don't think so. He had details of how Kay and he found receipts from stores like Target and went inside, found something expensive on the receipts, took the item to Customer Service and received money for something Kay and he did not buy. Don't forget selling drugs.

    They know how to get money. I never let myself think that Kay would do any of the things I listed above. All of those things horrified and repelled me. But now that I have more clarity and reflection time, I know Kay and Lee must have done some of these things. There is simply no other explanation for how a pizza driver and an unemployed woman can buy what they do. Now they don't spend it on rent or utilities, but they have nice iPhones, clothes and lots of technology.

    I stopped my dream world this year. It makes it easier to detach. Yet it is heartbreaking.

    God bless all of us.
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