To bail or not to bail

[Motherofthree]

35 year old son, had been sober for two years. Has a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) from incident while intoxicated. diagnosis of schizophrenia/affective disorder. Poor memory, poor problem solving. On disability due to Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). Facing several years in prison due to felony status of multiple DUIs. Calling constantly to bail him out. My Mom brain says no...my Mom heart says yes. I need some guidance

 

[ksm]

Hugs. I have no idea what you should do. It's a hard decision, no matter what you decide. Just be kind to yourself no matter what you decide to do. Ksm

 

[RemainingCalm]

35 year old son, had been sober for two years. Has a Traumatic Brain Injury (Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)) from incident while intoxicated. diagnosis of schizophrenia/affective disorder. Poor memory, poor problem solving. On disability due to Traumatic Brain Injury (Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)). Facing several years in prison due to felony status of multiple DUIs. Calling constantly to bail him out. My Mom brain says no...my Mom heart says yes. I need some guidance

I have a very similar situation with my son. Same diagnosis and keeps getting arrested over and over again for disorderly conduct. Got evicted from his last apartment which we were paying for. He is now homeless and currently in jail. He keeps calling me from jail but I don’t answer. I know what he wants…for me to bail him out. And why should I? He won’t get help for his mental illness. He won’t stay on medications. He doesn’t listen to anything that we say. Over the years we have been there and helped with each and every problem and nothing we have done has worked. NOTHING! I have gone though all the stages of grieving and I think I am finally at peace. I know there is nothing I can do to fix this so I have to concentrate on myself . I am now in my 70’s and the stress our son has put us through over the past 32 years is beyond horrible! I can’t do this anymore to remain healthy. I want the last chapter of my remaining life to just be peaceful. I deserve that!!!

 

[Nomad]

Mof3: ((Hugs))) I lean towards NO, but of course only you know the specifics etc. There are logical consequences to breaking the law. Our situation is not as intense as there are no criminal charges and no jail time. I know your heart must be hurting. But at 35, it’s time to pull back. We help our adult child with medical care including therapy appts. We provide her a cell phone because it is a tool needed in case of emergency and/or to make medical appts. In other words, we reserve our help for the essentials and she is aware that this can stop if she is inappropriate toward us. It’s just an idea of another way of looking at it. To help in a limited way and on your terms. We have told her we won’t bail her out of jail and we mean it.
Remaining calm: Yep, this stuff can take a toll on our health. You absolutely deserve peace. I totally understand. Blessings.

 

[Smithmom]

Another Mom who has faced this many, many times. In my son's case due to drugs. But none of mine have Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI).

I know little about Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) but I believe that it is different for every person. Certainly I agree with the others that only you know your child and only you can make this decision. My choice was always to leave mine there to allow, as Nomad said, logical consequences. (In addition, to keep him off drugs.) Certainly he'll detox the hard way which I'm told is difficult. Again, part of logical consequences. But with your son's Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) is he going to learn from this? Will he make a deal with you and keep it. Something like if you bail him out he'll go to inpatient rehab for a month? Mine would never keep a deal so I never bothered.

Bottom line is what are the pros and cons of leaving him there? My many years of experience with mine in jails and prisons is that the chance of him getting hurt in jail is minimal. That applies only if he is the type to not provoke people. Provoking other prisoners or guards can get him into trouble. In that case, a mental health facility is the only option. In terms of medications, if he's on any, his chance of reliably getting those in jail is variable.

I can say, in my experience, a lot of jails are helpful if you call them. Particularly if you explain your son's diagnosis. Some will refuse to discuss him specifically as he's an adult. But they'll answer general questions about what services they have (Dr on call?), how to get prescriptions to them, etc.

I hope you find peace with your decision.

 

[Copabanana]

Calling constantly to bail him out. My Mom brain says no...my Mom heart says yes. I need some guidance

In prison, he will have stability. He will have more of a chance to remain sober. He will be protected from himself. Maybe there will be seeds planted. If you bail him out he will return to the roller coaster life. He might kill somebody driving drunk. Then the roller coaster stops and he will likely be incarcerated for life. And somebody, an innocent, will be dead. How would that be for you? For me, looking on, heart and head, are in synch.

I worked in prison mental health over 30 years. I would not bail him out.

 

[MommaTried24]

I agree with Copa. Do not bail him out. Hugs because either way this is hard. However, I found to have slept better at night with less worry during the day, knowing mine was safe and sound in jail.

 

[Motherofthree]

In prison, he will have stability. He will have more of a chance to remain sober. He will be protected from himself. Maybe there will be seeds planted. If you bail him out he will return to the roller coaster life. He might kill somebody driving drunk. Then the roller coaster stops and he will likely be incarcerated for life. And somebody, an innocent, will be dead. How would that be for you? For me, looking on, heart and head, are in synch.

I worked in prison mental health over 30 years. I would not bail him out.

Thank you. I appreciate your directness and wisdom

 

[Motherofthree]

Mof3: ((Hugs))) I lean towards NO, but of course only you know the specifics etc. There are logical consequences to breaking the law. Our situation is not as intense as there are no criminal charges and no jail time. I know your heart must be hurting. But at 35, it’s time to pull back. We help our adult child with medical care including therapy appts. We provide her a cell phone because it is a tool needed in case of emergency and/or to make medical appts. In other words, we reserve our help for the essentials and she is aware that this can stop if she is inappropriate toward us. It’s just an idea of another way of looking at it. To help in a limited way and on your terms. We have told her we won’t bail her out of jail and we mean it.
Remaining calm: Yep, this stuff can take a toll on our health. You absolutely deserve peace. I totally understand. Blessings.

Thank you.

 

[Motherofthree]

I agree with Copa. Do not bail him out. Hugs because either way this is hard. However, I found to have slept better at night with less worry during the day, knowing mine was safe and sound in jail.

Thank you

 

[Motherofthree]

I have a very similar situation with my son. Same diagnosis and keeps getting arrested over and over again for disorderly conduct. Got evicted from his last apartment which we were paying for. He is now homeless and currently in jail. He keeps calling me from jail but I don’t answer. I know what he wants…for me to bail him out. And why should I? He won’t get help for his mental illness. He won’t stay on medications. He doesn’t listen to anything that we say. Over the years we have been there and helped with each and every problem and nothing we have done has worked. NOTHING! I have gone though all the stages of grieving and I think I am finally at peace. I know there is nothing I can do to fix this so I have to concentrate on myself . I am now in my 70’s and the stress our son has put us through over the past 32 years is beyond horrible! I can’t do this anymore to remain healthy. I want the last chapter of my remaining life to just be peaceful. I deserve that!!!

Thank you. I appreciate you sharing and your wisdom

 

[Motherofthree]

Hugs. I have no idea what you should do. It's a hard decision, no matter what you decide. Just be kind to yourself no matter what you decide to do. Ksm

Thank you

 

[Motherofthree]

Another Mom who has faced this many, many times. In my son's case due to drugs. But none of mine have Traumatic Brain Injury (Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)).

I know little about Traumatic Brain Injury (Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)) but I believe that it is different for every person. Certainly I agree with the others that only you know your child and only you can make this decision. My choice was always to leave mine there to allow, as Nomad said, logical consequences. (In addition, to keep him off drugs.) Certainly he'll detox the hard way which I'm told is difficult. Again, part of logical consequences. But with your son's Traumatic Brain Injury (Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)) is he going to learn from this? Will he make a deal with you and keep it. Something like if you bail him out he'll go to inpatient rehab for a month? Mine would never keep a deal so I never bothered.

Bottom line is what are the pros and cons of leaving him there? My many years of experience with mine in jails and prisons is that the chance of him getting hurt in jail is minimal. That applies only if he is the type to not provoke people. Provoking other prisoners or guards can get him into trouble. In that case, a mental health facility is the only option. In terms of medications, if he's on any, his chance of reliably getting those in jail is variable.

I can say, in my experience, a lot of jails are helpful if you call them. Particularly if you explain your son's diagnosis. Some will refuse to discuss him specifically as he's an adult. But they'll answer general questions about what services they have (Dr on call?), how to get prescriptions to them, etc.

I hope you find peace with your decision.

Thank you. That is one of my biggest fears is safety. I don't think he would provoke anyone. If I bailed him out..he won't listen to me anymore than he did before. He's not taking any accountability in this.

 

[Copabanana]

Motherofthree: Will you please keep us posted about what you decide?

We are all of us in the same club: There is no good choice. Just less bad. Please don't expect of yourself that you get it right. The getting it right part lies in the hands of our adult children. And they can't. Mine has traumatic brain injury and psychosis. He has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I pray and pray he gets help, but he does not see that there are answers to what ails him.

I am powerless and helpless with respect to my child.

Where I am not powerless is in deciding to do the best I can, only that. And having that be enough. And I am not helpless and powerless in showing myself compassion. I also try to give myself a happy life.

 

[Fairy dust]

Hugs to all of us who are on this board. Obviously we care or we wouldn’t be here! May we all wear our warrior gear when needed, and at the same time be kind to ourselves! We too deserve a life! There is a reason the umbilical cord needs to be cut at birth. Both spirits need to grow!