Today's incident. What would you have done?

[TerryJ2]

I agree, they are using the safe room as punishment, not as a true safe room. Wrong approach.
Tallying curse words? Who cares? He's never going to know how many times he said what. Useless information.
I agree with-Marg, they needed to work on what came b4, not after.
So-so para needs to go. Far. Away. Now.
Your difficult child is going to learn to hate school if he doesn't already.

I can see where they think they are enforcing parameters, trying to get him to follow their rules, but he was already in a mindset where he couldn't control himself. He was swearing, he felt awful, then he was crying, and it turned into screaming again. A blind person could have seen that. Boo on them.

So, are you going to be the squeaky wheel? I say go for it.
They are not trained for their positions and there's no point in having an asst. if they're useless.

So sorry, for you and difficult child.

 

[jannie]

I am so sorry Shari....this is so wrong....I can't believe your school system..I am so disappointed. They are definatley mistreating difficult child. There is a big difference between a safe space and a padded time out room. The padded time out room (which sounds like your safe room) should be used when the child is a danger to himself and or others. Why would crying be a reason to be placed in the safe room. And if he's in the safe room it really doesn't matter how much he yells and screams because he knows he can't get out until he is calm...so why on earth do they count this.

Also paper/pencil tasks are not really working with difficult child and since he has a 1:1 there are certainly other ways to get him to access work.

I wish I lived closer to try and help you. I wonder what the process is to file some type of complaint. Who knows? perhaps you can file a claim against the para and or the schools for mistreatment. When is your next meeting? YUk YUK YUK so sorry....and I know I was one who encouraged you to try public school.

Why aren't they kicking him out and offereing another alternative???

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, I just realized I hadn't answered your Q. What would I have done? I would have stood and watched just as you did.
I gather data and take a while to act. Plus, I would have been confused and shocked, so I probably wouldn't have said anything immediately.
You got LOTS of SOLID data you now you need to act.
I am assuming that you gave your difficult child lots of hugs when he got home and explained that you saw everything and that you appreciate the fact he wanted to apologize to you.

 

[Jena]

hey shari,

you doing ok?? i know you must be so aggrivated such constant stress with-this..... hope your night is going well and is calm

 

[ML]

I'm so sorry difficult child is being treated in this manner. They are making it so much worse than it has to be. I hope you can get him out of there.

 

[Shari]

Thank you all.

Yes, I'm doing ok. I did go to my doctor today and get some Zoloft.

But, here's the background.

When I made my huge mistake at work, I discovered it at 6am this morning. Wee difficult child saw me on the computer at home and saw I was upset and I told him I made a big mistake at work. As any kid his age does, the universe is all about him, so he thought it was his fault. He was very helpful this morning, opening doors for me, carrying my stuff, etc.

In the car, he said something again about it being his fault that I made a mistake at work. I said no, it was not his fault, but, I said, you can help me. When you get in trouble at school, I get a call, and it makes it hard to work.

He said "like you get too many things in your mind? like me?"

I said yeah, like that. He said he would try.

So when he was apologizing at school? He was apologizing to me because he thought he was getting me in more trouble at work!

I could not say anything while it was happening or I would have taken some people out. In fact, I had to go to the cafeteria and get a milk because my blood sugar bottomed out and I was shaking. After I put wee difficult child on the bus, tho, I went back and asked SpEc teacher to meet THEN. We did, and I told her. I also called the SpEd director.

I know I need to be diplomatic about this, but...this para is off his team. Starting Monday. I have no idea what "rights" I have, but I have witnessed, first hand, 6 events, and every time, this para either started it or made it worse.

Off the record, SpEd teacher, again, said "so so para" isn't just bad with wee difficult child, she's bad with all the kids.

So, anyone know what my rights are to demand a para change due to this?

And thank you all. I would be literally crazy if I didn't have you guys.

 

[KTMom91]

I would like to know how much training these paras really do have in dealing with difficult children. As MWM said, I doubt that too much goes into it. One of the classes I sub in has a little guy with a 1 on 1. The first para was great with him, but she went out on maternity leave. The new one is not as good. I've also subbed in Special Education classes, and the quality of aides varies so much that the day just goes downhill. I let the aides do what they do, because they know the kids, I don't, and I don't want to inadvertently cause a meltdown or make a bad situation worse.

I feel so badly for your little guy. He sounds like he really has the weight of the world on him. Give him soft hugs from board auntie Mary, and keep some for yourself.

 

[SRL]

I would have taken my child home right then and there and he wouldn't be returning to school until a team meeting occurred with sped teacher, principal, sped director, all paras involved along with an educational advocate for my child to resolve the use of this safe room, etc.

They aren't using this as a safe room, if they're doing the tallying bit, I'll bet they're gathering data to help build a case for him attending elsewhere.

 

[susiestar]

Shari,

I am glad you met with the Sp Ed teacher right after this. As for the training to be a para, well, I actually interviewed for this position in our SD, actually at thank you's school, beginning of last school year. The training included "Hi! Here is X. He has problems with A, B and C. Sorry, you can't read the IEP due to privacy issues. Just try to keep him from disrupting things or hurting anyone."

That was IT. ALL of the training. This was the ENTIRE training course. And I would have earned about $9 per hour - which makes this a highly desirable position in our schools - one of the highest paid jobs because it is so hard to get anyone to take the job. I would actually be earning MORE than the Sp Ed teacher!!!

I know I encouraged you to try the public schools also. And I am so very sorry. I had hoped they would be like our school is, and like the experience Wiz had in public elementary school here.

As for if you can fire this para, I don't know. You CAN refuse to let her near your child. You can also breathe Hadesfire and brimstone at the entire staff for allowing what was supposed to be a "safe place" for difficult child to go and calm down to turn into one of the worst methods of punishment used on people. Heck, it takes special orders to get thrown into solitary confinement in prison!!!

I actually think your difficult child was quite wonderful Fri morning. He realized that you were having a bad day, that YOU get a cluttered, confused mind like he does (a HUGE realization for a 7yo child, in my opinion), that HIS behavior can cause problems for YOU (another HUGE realization for a 7yo child), and he did his BEST to say he was SORRY because he was in trouble.

these are really MAJOR wonderful things - that your son realizes you are a person, that you can get as confused as he does, and that he wants to make things better for YOU.

in my opinion this calls for a substantial reward this weekend.

I really think you need, not want - NEED, to call the State Board of Ed about how this school is using the safe room. If this isn't criminal, well, it should be!

Please know that we are all angry FOR your child, not AT you. I am agry AT the paras and pretty boy and even the sp ed teacher for she HAD to know how they were using his safe area.

I really hope that they realize that difficult child will not EVER want to use this safe area to go calm down because they ahve made it so scary.

Please be aware that like any abused child your weegfg will need extra cuddles and reassurance, and can even be expected to regress in areas due to the child abuse this school heaped upon him.

Gentle hugs for ALL of you, and a strong swift kick to the most sensitive areas to the paras and pretty boy for abusing our wee one.

 

[SRL]

I agree with finding out about what your state school code says about safe rooms and restraints. You should be able to find it online. (I would venture a guess that this use of it is legal--especially with the record of his comments--but legal doesn't always make it right.)

For example, here's Illinois:
http://www.ilga.gov/legislation/publicacts/pubact91/acts/91-0600.html

Wisconsin has a manual online--I couldn't link it but google WDPI Directives for the Appropiate Use of Seclusion and Physical Restraint in Special Education Programs. About my earlier comment on the tallies, I just read in here that they are required to keep a log of the incident so that's what that might be all about.

Look around and see if you can find any similar online documents for your state.

I don't know of anything "legal" that gives you the right as a parent to have the para removed. I would guess it falls under the same category as who his teacher is--parents certainly can give input but in the end it is a school personnel matter and schools can assign who they want.

 

[BusynMember]

Paras can be ex-housewives. They don't require training. I think they need college degrees. But, like I pointed out, my sister graduated some thirty years ago in Fashion Merchandising! Exactly how does that help her be a para to a child who has autism? Her kids are autistic. When we were still speaking she used to call me for advice on what to do with Johnny or Joey because SHE didn't know SQUAT about autism or how to handle problems.

Shari, I think rather than trying to get a new para, you need to remove your son from the school entirely and fight for another placement. This school is breaking the law and your son is being harmed emotionally by, not just the paras, but by a school district that allows him to be treated this way. I'd love to help ya, girl, but if you're going to try to work with these unworkable people, I feel I can't anymore. My only advice is to take them to the mat and get a new placement for your son, even if he has to stay home with a sitter for a while as you fight the good fight. Call the Dept. of Public Education in Springfield and tell THEM, not US what is going on. They'll probably be appalled and will investigate your school, which can lead to repercussions which they need to have. If they treat your son so badly, they are treating other kids that way too and it has to stop.
I wish you luck.

 

[1905]

OMG!!! If this is how they treat your precious child when you're stand ing right there, imagine how the rest of his day goes. He is being verbally, and emotionally abused there by the para. I would have went off, seriously what kind of training does this woman have? Go to the head of SpEd in your district. You need to do everything you can, stop- at nothing, let them know this, trust me...the squeeky wheel gets the grease, they don't like anyone making waves, and will give you what you want. But you need to follow through.

That incedent is very, very disturbing. Those paras are completely abusive.

 

[Shari]

I plan to sit outside SpEd Director' office Monday morning til she meets with me. I am putting in writing what has happened with this para, and with difficult child, including the fact that he has hidden from this para in social settings twice now, and I will say do what you must, but this is damaging to my child, and I won't allow this anymore.
Like Marg, I feel that we are close to getting specific items down in an IEP, and SpEd teacher is really good with difficult child, and "good" para, having had the same amount of training as "so so" para (I call her so so cause I don't like calling her bad), but she's willing to learn and use and apply her new knowledge. She read the Explosive Child and Lost At School, and tho she was the one who had the not so great incident earlier this week, she successfully redirects more often than not. He rarely ends up in the "safe room" with her. I'm willing to give her another try.

I am also emailing wee difficult child's therapist. I am hoping she backs me that this is not good for difficult child.

Susie, I agree, you're right. I wasn't sure about telling difficult child about his role in my day, but he felt so bad, I thought maybe, just maybe, it was a teachable moment. It might have been, but its been lost in all this, I'm afraid. But yet, I have told him time and again that he was so caring to worry about me. And we've had a house full of little girls for easy child 2's slumber party and he has been awesome handling that. For sure special rewards for this weekend!

 

[Marguerite]

I plan to sit outside SpEd Director' office Monday morning til she meets with me.

A tip from me - pack a hamper for yourself. Make it clear you are set up to wait there for as long as it takes. A thermos, a nanna rug, a good book, your knitting - and, of course, your notebook, to diarise everything, to have your I's dotted & T's crossed. Have your feedback in writing and make it clear - you are going to wait for their response, in writing. Or the IEP meeting, whichever comes first.

Be prepared to be persuaded to leave if it becomes obvious you need to. But make them work for it. Then use your time away from there, to continue the fight.

I do understand your need to try to fix this - if you can get this so-so para gone, plus pretty boy to back right off (he's leaving anyway) then perhaps you can complete their education and turn tis around. And frankly, if that CAN happen, it will be the best option I feel. To walk away with the situation not resolved risks makingit look to your son as if the situation never can be solved, that he is the problem and not them. He should be realising about now that you are trying to do a lot for him. He does need to know it's not his fault, but at his age (and condition) that's a tall order.

Ifhe can experience a positive change in tat place, then he can see it's not his fault after all, school needn't be all bad. However, I do think you are going to have to move on from here, even if you can fix it. because too much damage has been done, he will heal faster in a new environment. The catch is, it would have Occupational Therapist (OT) be an ebvironment with a guarantee of decent treqatment, and you haven't got tat. To move him, and find the same problems, would be a disaster. To move him now, and have to begin the whole process of teaching people about him and his needs - the entire past year would then be a total waste.

So I do endorse your trying to close the gap, if it can be done. But while you're trying this, make your discreet enquiries elsewhere so if you need to, you can make the shift quickly, easily and with some promises in place. In writing.

Marg

 

[SRL]

Paras can be ex-housewives. They don't require training. I think they need college degrees. But, like I pointed out, my sister graduated some thirty years ago in Fashion Merchandising! Exactly how does that help her be a para to a child who has autism? Her kids are autistic. When we were still speaking she used to call me for advice on what to do with Johnny or Joey because SHE didn't know SQUAT about autism or how to handle problems.

.

Only paraprofessionals who are involved in Title I (because it's supported by federal dollars) are required to have a two year degree or equivalent (as determined by the state). In our district most of the special education aides don't have education degrees, and many don't have college credits. If the para or aide isn't involved in Title I instruction, they don't have to meet the NCLB requirements and it's left up to the states and/or districts. Here's a blurb:


"Under the provisions of the No Child Left Behind Act, paraprofessionals who perform instructional assistance and are paid with federal Title 1 funds or provide instruction in Title 1 school-wide program schools must meet certain requirements measured through educational achievement or testing. Paraprofessionals in applicable positions must have a high school or General Educational Development (GED) diploma plus two years of college credit, an associate's degree, or have passed a paraprofessional assessment adopted by the State Board of Education. The assessment must examine content knowledge in math, reading, and writing, and an understanding of how to assist in the instruction of those topics. (Individuals already employed when the federal law took effect were given until 2006 to meet the requirements, if they wanted to retain their jobs.)"

 

[halana75]

My hubby was teasing my son last night while son,9, was standing in the corner. Son was close to finishing his time when he started whining about going to bed...hubby took sons favorite toy and said it was his little sisters and pushed some sound buttons on the toy...son got upset but didn't melt down...I immediately sent son to bed instead of having him finish his corner time and hubby was angry wanting to know why he got what he wanted and I said how inappropriate it was to tease him. Hubby said he didn't give a $hit that son had been lying and a constant thorn and of course in middle of this son came back down to ask what he was supposed to do when he got up in the morning. This prompted hubby to take the toy and throw it in the trash. Son begins sobbing and for the first time ever I jumped up and told him that was ****, fished it out of the trash...
Hubby isn't talking to me now. I told him that son couldn't be on punishment forever, his response was "why not? he's making my life a living hell but then he just goes on his merry way"...
My son will forever be punished by him for past mistakes regardless if he can control them or not.
Your situation sounds like the para isn't waiting for the incident to happen but instead is focusing on past incidents to punish not the behavior before it begins but the child. How frustrating.
I definitely wouldn't let it continue.
As far as how I'm going to handle my own home situation, don't know yet...

 

[BusynMember]

I'm assuming this is a stepfather.

He knew you had a son with problems when he married you. He sounds very immature. I would be more concerned with my son, who is a child, than the pouty adult who says the child ruined his life.

I suggest family counseling because husband is not appropriate with your son and your son must know how husband feels about him...not a good thing.

Maybe you should post your own thread...

 

[Shari]

Halana, I'm so sorry! At least my problem isn't at home. We're not perfect, we all lose our cool and blow our tops, but really, for as active and in your face out out-right defiant as wee difficult child can be, the large part of the time, the people at home handle it. At least at school, even tho I don't have a lot of options, I do have options. He doesn't have to be there. The problem is finding any place that's better. And we're in a small town, with one school. Pretty boy is moving to the district in the town where I work. The other option is 30 miles the opposite direction. BUT we'll do it if we have to.

There are 16 days of school left. I have no idea what I'm going to do if SpEd director won't do something about that para. I guess I'll take more fmla leave and take difficult child to school half-days and work half days. I don't know. What I do know is he can not be allowed to continue as he is. The person doing the functional behavioral assessment really needs to see it, but I can't let this keep going. I thought these were isolate incidents, and now I don't beleive they are. At all.

 

[daralex]

All I can tell you is that we actually had it written into difficult child's IEP that when she gets upset like that she is allowed to call me (and she's a teenager!). It maybe takes me 5 minutes on the phone with her ro calm her down and then she is fine and can go about her day. Sometimes difficult child's just need us to be there, a hug, a kind word, reassurance. It's what we do best. Para obvioulsy has some issue of her own (Is her last name Ratchet by any chance?!) I think when difficult child's reach out for that help from us we should be there as much as we are able to be - they feel alone in the world enough as it is. Sometimes we really are the only ones who understand.
-Dara

 

[totoro]

You might even print out this thread and cut out the important pieces or cut and paste them. So while you are waiting on Monday or prior to that, you can build up your Mommy Armor.
(Of course making sure the site is left out so they can't ever find out where you get your ammo)

I think you also handled it better than I would have.
I agree that they are antagonizing him.
He must be so confused and just feel a loss of control and inability to truly know what the right thing to do is.
Even if the Depakote levels are fueling any of this, it is still unacceptable.