Ugh...When Will It Get Better?

[SanitySeeker]

I'm new. So to start off.... I voluntarily placed my 16 yo difficult child in a group home 4 months ago. i was worn out and out of options from dealing with her behavior for the past 5 years. i finally in the last year got someone to listen to me that something was wrong with her after she began cutting and had several suicide threats which ended in me having to take her to the er and have her admitted.
long story short, we finally have a social worker, psychiatrist and iep in place at school after me having to fight tooth and nail for someone to listen to me. my difficult child is a great manipulator and liar and after talking with her and evaluating her, somehow the "dr.s" would always either place the blame with me or tell me it was all in my head because she was a completely "normal teen". last summer she was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, add, and odd.
so, i made the difficult decision to place her out of our home in april into a group home 1 1/2 hours from here where she would get 24/7 care. they have a dbt program and everything else that she needs.
i was feeling really good about the decision, even though it killed me, i knew she would be safe and watched and getting help daily. the honeymoon period is finally over. she's now starting to show her true colors there. she has gotten 3 mrv's (major rule violations) in the last week, forged her primary's signature twice for passes, among other things. she's blatantly disrespecting and disobeying staff, causing fights between peers and refusing to work on any part of her program.
as much as i'm upset for her behavior, i'm so glad she's not putting on a show anymore. because they can't help her if they don't know who she really is. but i was really hoping she would be home in time to start school. we got a letter from my son's 5th grade teacher reminding him to bring his family for pictures for open house at school and i started crying because my difficult child won't be in the picture for the first time.
it's not supposed to work this way. i'm so upset today realizing the dreams i had for my daughter aren't happening. her goal was to graduate from hs here. she'll be lucky if she graduates, period. she still has all of 9th and 10th grade to make up and she starts 11th in 2 weeks.
when is she going to get it through her head? ugh, i'm so sad today.

 

[Suz]

Hi Sanity Seeker,

First of all---here's a hug. It sounds as if you could use one.

Oh, and welcome, too

I'm glad to see that you understand that your difficult child acting out now is a good thing. So many times our kids can be chameleons and make us look like we are imagining things. It's a very good thing when the honeymoon is over as it's really the first step to getting appropriate treatment. been there done that.

As for school, I remember that my then-husband and I had to re-evaluate our priorities (again!) when our son went to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). We decided that academics could wait- the priority had to be Rob's mental health. If he didn't graduate from hs it wasn't anything that he couldn't accomplish later or adapt to a GED program instead.

I've posted about this before, but when you've been living this life for so many years it's easy to forget how young our kids really are. There is a lot of time for change, for maturity, to learn lessons and skills. Hopefully all will survive the journey.

I would urge you to put in a signature so you don't have to repeat your story every time you post. It's also a way for us to keep track of who you are and what you're dealing with.

Most of the parents who post in PE have kids over 18. I'd be happy to move your post to our General Forum if you like or leave it here. Just let me know.

Suz

 

[Genny]

SanitySeeker,
First off, Welcome!
I'm glad you found us, and I have a feeling you will be too. You'll find people here who know exactly how you feel because we've been there done that (been there, done that).

i'm so upset today realizing the dreams i had for my daughter aren't happening.

You'll need to re-assess your dreams for your daughter, but that doesn't mean giving them up! So she won't graduate from the high school you wanted. Now that she's in a program where she'll recieve the support and help she needs, she still has a chance at making a fine adult! That was my husband's and my mantra for years, "she'll make a great adult, if we can just get her there." It sounds like you're doing all the right things to get her on track to have a happy, productive life. Now it's up to her. It's going to take time - probably more time than you think. But for a lot of our kids, a placement is the best shot they have at turning themselves around. In other words, you're doing good, Mom!. And if you ever feel unsure about that, you can always come and ask us. We're not shy about sharing our feelings and experiences!

Welcome to the family -


Genny

 

[meowbunny]

Hi and welcome. You're right, it shouldn't be like this and I'm sorry you're going through this. HUGS!!

As Suz said, the fact that you realize her acting out is what she needs to get help is a really good thing. It is hard to hear your child doing the stuff and part of you wishes everyone else was right and it was just in your mind rather than your child needing this type of assistance. It just stinks! (I'd say something stronger but it would just get bleeped.)

I'm glad you found us. You'll find tremendous support and advice here. Take what you need and leave the rest. What is right for one of us may not be what is right for you.

For now, you've taken the first steps to get her the help she needs. It's hard on you but it will ultimately give her some tools and assistance that can make a huge difference for her adulthood.

When I adopted my daughter, I had dreams of high school proms, graduation, college, marriage, grandkids. Many of those dreams went up in smoke. One prom, no graduation, no college. Fortunately, no grandkids yet. I still have dreams for my daughter. She's still young and can still accomplish so much. It may take her longer than other kids but that's okay. She's working, in her first apartment, having some fun. She's talking about getting a GED, finding a better job, moving to a new place when this lease is up with no roomie. So, while the dreams may change, you will be able to rejoice in the successes when they occur. Sometimes I think we rejoice even more because our children have to work harder to accomplish these dreams.

 

[BusynMember]

You may want to do a signature like I did below.
Do you know if she is dabbling in drugs or drinking too much?

 

[Hound dog]

SS

Major (((hugs)))

Brings me flashbacks of Nichole at 16.

So sorry you're going thru this. But you're right, difficult child is where she needs to be at this time.

In the meantime, you can use this time to rest, regroup, and put plans into place that will make her transition back home (when it happens) easier for all of you.

Like someone else said, you may need to at least temporarily adjust your dreams for difficult child. During the hard times I find it best to set short term goals, and have learn to find the joy in them.

And it can get better. When Nichole was 16 I couldn't find the light at the end of the tunnel and hope was fading fast. She was flunking out of school, cutting, burning, moods all over the place, raging out of control, and suicidal.....not to mention pregnant on top of it all and unable to take medications.

Today, 3 yrs later, Nichole has graduated hs on the honor roll. She's a good Mom to her daughter Aubrey. She's in college to be a paramedic and made the Dean's list this quarter. Didn't happen overnight. But my point is that it can happen. Cuz when you're down and dirty in the trenches it's hard to keep that hope alive.

Glad you found us. Welcome.

(((hugs)))

 

[Hopeless]

Sending you hugs. These people are wonderful here. They have helped me more than they will ever know. I do not post much now, but I do read often. We have all been through different stages and each stage taught me something or gave me something to think about and learn from.

 

[everywoman]

Welcome. I am so sorry that your daughter's behavior was so out of control that you had to send her to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)---but I'm glad you found one that can maybe help her. Your daughter's behavior, at her age, is her choice. Nothing you did, will do, or could have done will change her behavior. She is in control. Hopefully the therapy she is doing will be beneficial. A big hug. I know it hurts when a child will not allow you to parent him/her.

 

[susiestar]

Welcome. I am so sorry for the behaviors that brought you here.

You couldn't be in a more supportive or caring site, in my opinion. I know until just recently all the blame was put on you, because you are the mom and it is ALWAYS mom's fault. NOT! But so many docs adn therapists seem to want to tell us this. On this site we are moms and dads who have truly been there and done that. We have been blamed, lied about, lied to, and treated so badly that if we were a group of dogs the SPCA would be having national hissy fits!

Over time, they CAN improve. It is important to get as close to the right diagnosis as possible. I am sure you have seen a lot of docs, therapists adn other professionals. We have a way of organizing all of this, plus so much more, so that any new (or even the current) docs and teachers, etc... can see what was done, what the results were, and the family info that they all ask. It is called a Parent Report and it is on the General Archives. I really think with-o this report my son would have been able to continue for much, much longer with-o getting help.

just so you know, it can get better. Stick around, read info from the various forums here, lurk if you just don't feel up to posting, post what you can, wehn you can. Honestly, my family got as much support and help from this site as from any professional we saw. Not jsut teh support I needed, but the information and guidance as for where to look next.

Be gentle with yourself, give yourself time to grieve the changing dreams you have for your daughter.