It's been awhile since I've had the energy and the clarity to post, this last few months have been lived at warp speed.
Ok, my daughter, oy.........she did not show up on time for a mandatory probation requirement, literally minutes late. The system is black and white, no show = warrant out for your arrest. All the good upward movement she had gained, finding jobs, getting herself a nice place to live, fixing her car........all disappeared in one fell swoop.
I heard about it when I was taking a walk on a beach on a Friday a month or so ago. I allowed it to devastate me. I perceived it from my own reality base, which was, now all of that gain is ruined, ruined by a mistake that shouldn't have happened. I put myself in her shoes and felt the remarkable defeat and fear I would feel. I did that for a number of days.
Then I met with her to give her her mail. We met in a parking lot since she is now wanted by the police and she didn't want to come to my house. She was crying. She grabbed onto me and just sobbed. I held on and didn't say anything but "I am so sorry." She had lost weight. She was scared. She said she was going to finish up some things she had to do and then turn herself in.
She then came to my house at night one night and removed all of her things from my garage and moved them in to her own new storage unit. I had asked her to do this since we were moving. She also removed all of her stuff from my husband's storage unit which we had also asked her to do as well. Now all of her stuff is at last contained in one storage unit rather then all over the place. She fulfilled my requests. She was determined to do what I had asked her and I appreciated that she acted on it so quickly.
She has moved in with another friend, the roommates asked her to leave due to the warrant. She continues to work with the reasoning that she needs to make money to pay for her storage unit while she is incarcerated. I do not know any more then that.
I went through more stuff around this new wrinkle. I saw how I perceived it all through my own lens and reacted how I would react if it were happening to me. I realized that is not how SHE feels, it is how I feel. I let go of judging her and the choices she makes. I realized I have no idea how she makes choices and my judgements were in fact hurting me. I just accepted this and I learned to let it go. It was an interesting process for me to look at it this way. A gentleness and softness towards my daughter developed and she seems to have moved in to her own life now without my continuing assessment of her life through my eyes. There is a new level of separation between she and I. It feels a lot better to me. I text her how much I love her and want her to be safe. The lack of judgment seems to have solidified a new connection somehow. We're only at the beginning so I don't know anymore then that.
She'll turn herself in or be caught or whatever, but it is her choice. I'll be there for her when whatever happens happens. I'll always be there. Just not enmeshed in her life like I had been.
So, we moved. It was a tough one. We bought a house in an over 55 homeowners association in a new town. I love the house but have not quite landed in it yet. I lived in the old town for 32 years and loved it, so it is a lot to get used to.
I turned 65 in the middle of it. The first age of my entire life which had some bumps in it. I think being in a community of older people drove that point home in a new way.
My granddaughter left for college right before we moved. That turned out to be wonderful and at the same time, has left a feeling of emptiness I just didn't expect. The empty nest thing has had a profound impact on me. It's getting a little better as she has visited twice already, but her presence is so missed.
I'm clearly in a life transition. It's a big one for me. We got married in July, we moved, I turned 65 and my "baby" left for college. Sigh.
We arrived in Kauai yesterday, a sort of honeymoon, rest, vacation, get away from it all kind of thing. We're here for 2 weeks. I already feel better. I woke up this morning and told husband, "I feel like ME, for the first time in about 3 months." We're surrounded by tropical trees, flowers and plants.......the birds singing and the frogs croaking........it's very quiet and serene, just what I need right now to rest from the last couple of months of intense movement and change. I feel so nurtured here, it's my favorite place to be on the whole planet.
I've been talking about this era of my life ending and a new chapter beginning........well here it is. It is all simultaneously a little bit weird and new and very exciting and fun too. I feel a level of freedom I haven't felt before. I feel lighter.
Everyone is exactly where they should be, even my daughter. She seems to be able to recognize a lot of reasons in life to be grateful, perhaps anticipating losing your freedom will do that to you. Each text from her is filled with love and appreciation.
Sometimes we humans have to go through so much in order to see what is right in front of us all along.
I'm thinking about you all and as always, wishing everyone peace.
I am especially thinking about you Cedar, and your recent issue with your son........I am holding you in my thoughts and sending you and your family all my love and prayers.
I am drinking a chai latte, feeling that luscious balmy breeze and smelling the gardenias....I have my husband, I am loved,..............life is good..........
Ok, my daughter, oy.........she did not show up on time for a mandatory probation requirement, literally minutes late. The system is black and white, no show = warrant out for your arrest. All the good upward movement she had gained, finding jobs, getting herself a nice place to live, fixing her car........all disappeared in one fell swoop.
I heard about it when I was taking a walk on a beach on a Friday a month or so ago. I allowed it to devastate me. I perceived it from my own reality base, which was, now all of that gain is ruined, ruined by a mistake that shouldn't have happened. I put myself in her shoes and felt the remarkable defeat and fear I would feel. I did that for a number of days.
Then I met with her to give her her mail. We met in a parking lot since she is now wanted by the police and she didn't want to come to my house. She was crying. She grabbed onto me and just sobbed. I held on and didn't say anything but "I am so sorry." She had lost weight. She was scared. She said she was going to finish up some things she had to do and then turn herself in.
She then came to my house at night one night and removed all of her things from my garage and moved them in to her own new storage unit. I had asked her to do this since we were moving. She also removed all of her stuff from my husband's storage unit which we had also asked her to do as well. Now all of her stuff is at last contained in one storage unit rather then all over the place. She fulfilled my requests. She was determined to do what I had asked her and I appreciated that she acted on it so quickly.
She has moved in with another friend, the roommates asked her to leave due to the warrant. She continues to work with the reasoning that she needs to make money to pay for her storage unit while she is incarcerated. I do not know any more then that.
I went through more stuff around this new wrinkle. I saw how I perceived it all through my own lens and reacted how I would react if it were happening to me. I realized that is not how SHE feels, it is how I feel. I let go of judging her and the choices she makes. I realized I have no idea how she makes choices and my judgements were in fact hurting me. I just accepted this and I learned to let it go. It was an interesting process for me to look at it this way. A gentleness and softness towards my daughter developed and she seems to have moved in to her own life now without my continuing assessment of her life through my eyes. There is a new level of separation between she and I. It feels a lot better to me. I text her how much I love her and want her to be safe. The lack of judgment seems to have solidified a new connection somehow. We're only at the beginning so I don't know anymore then that.
She'll turn herself in or be caught or whatever, but it is her choice. I'll be there for her when whatever happens happens. I'll always be there. Just not enmeshed in her life like I had been.
So, we moved. It was a tough one. We bought a house in an over 55 homeowners association in a new town. I love the house but have not quite landed in it yet. I lived in the old town for 32 years and loved it, so it is a lot to get used to.
I turned 65 in the middle of it. The first age of my entire life which had some bumps in it. I think being in a community of older people drove that point home in a new way.
My granddaughter left for college right before we moved. That turned out to be wonderful and at the same time, has left a feeling of emptiness I just didn't expect. The empty nest thing has had a profound impact on me. It's getting a little better as she has visited twice already, but her presence is so missed.
I'm clearly in a life transition. It's a big one for me. We got married in July, we moved, I turned 65 and my "baby" left for college. Sigh.
We arrived in Kauai yesterday, a sort of honeymoon, rest, vacation, get away from it all kind of thing. We're here for 2 weeks. I already feel better. I woke up this morning and told husband, "I feel like ME, for the first time in about 3 months." We're surrounded by tropical trees, flowers and plants.......the birds singing and the frogs croaking........it's very quiet and serene, just what I need right now to rest from the last couple of months of intense movement and change. I feel so nurtured here, it's my favorite place to be on the whole planet.
I've been talking about this era of my life ending and a new chapter beginning........well here it is. It is all simultaneously a little bit weird and new and very exciting and fun too. I feel a level of freedom I haven't felt before. I feel lighter.
Everyone is exactly where they should be, even my daughter. She seems to be able to recognize a lot of reasons in life to be grateful, perhaps anticipating losing your freedom will do that to you. Each text from her is filled with love and appreciation.
Sometimes we humans have to go through so much in order to see what is right in front of us all along.
I'm thinking about you all and as always, wishing everyone peace.
I am especially thinking about you Cedar, and your recent issue with your son........I am holding you in my thoughts and sending you and your family all my love and prayers.
I am drinking a chai latte, feeling that luscious balmy breeze and smelling the gardenias....I have my husband, I am loved,..............life is good..........
wink
