Joyfullyme
New Member
I have been reading here and learning so, so much! It has validated my feelings, confirmed I am doing the right thing when doubts begin to overwhelm me - so thank you so much for being here and sharing your stories and advice! So many times I've wanted to chime in, but I don't feel like I am in a place where I can give any advice - yet. =)
I shared my story about my son in another post a few weeks ago. Here is an update:
He ended up homeless and I gave him lots of information and contacts in his area for food/shelter, etc. (He lives 3000 miles away with no family around him at all). I even found some residential rehab places that he could contact. He was waiting to go into a detox program within a few days. I had said I was cautious about the outcome, but not too hopeful.
Well, he went into detox and it was supposed to be 7-10 days. He made it to day 5, then apparently he passed out while in the bathroom, hit his head and was taken to the ER. He said his heart stopped. He also said he had a seizure. I have not idea as he would not allow me to talk to any of the doctors or nurses caring for him. Maybe he did - maybe he didn't. In any case, he was discharged from the detox program.
He said he left his tent outside the building and it was stolen, but then told me he let someone borrow his tent - but now it was gone. He also lost his cell phone (or rather, the sim card was stolen). All he had was his backpack with some clothes.
I would call the hospital periodically to check on him. He promised to call me when he was discharged. I called and they told me he was discharged and just left. My greatest, most horrible fear had come to pass: he was out of contact with me. I would never know if something happened to him. For a few minutes I gave into that fear but I remembered that often times the worst things we think about never come to pass (I learned that on this forum!! Thank you!!)
A few days later I got a very fast call from him, as he was borrowing a phone, to tell me he had got a new tent and he was sooooo sorry he had not called me to tell me he was discharged, but he had been too busy. But guess what?? He is detoxed! He is no longer in methadone withdrawl - so that is GOOD, right? Apparently, he had time before he was discharged to call another family member who sent him money for a new tent, though. He got what he needed - and it wasn't me he needed unless *I* could give him what he wanted.
And there is always some statement made in the midst of drama that is almost like a hook to keep me there - the "I'm detoxed now!" statement was meant to be it. How many times have I grasped at SOMETHING - anything - as some kind of proof that things are better and that if I just keep "helping" him, he will eventually get to a place of healing and wholeness and stop sucking everyone dry of resources?
This time it did not work.
So, a few more days of silence go by because he has no cell phone. Let me explain here that in the past he has only called me and one other family member who regularly sends him money. He has always said it is because he can't remember my husband's phone number (mmmhmmmm...more like he knows who he can manipulate to give him what he wants).
So, last night he calls me from someone's phone and says, "I can only talk a minute, I am using a stranger's phone and the bus is here and I have to give it back. I'm just calling to say things are very bad. Ok - I will try to call you later."
A while later, another call to once again inform me very quickly that things are very bad and it is raining and he is soaked because his tent was slashed by the police and they had the audacity to tell him to get a job! Then he had to go again. (I have no idea if the whole tent thing is true or not - he has had 3 tents in 3 weeks - all of them stolen or destroyed. And no, I did not purchase a single one for him. Obviously, he is not learning from his mistakes...he has apparently gone back to the same place he was - a place full of "homeless junkies" instead of finding a new place to go to that is safer).
The next time he called, I didn't even bother to answer. I've told him before to call me only when he is getting the help he needs to get and doing what he needs to do to change his life. My husband I went back to watching our movie and I just turned the phone off. To be honest, it wasn't even hard to do. I'm just DONE with all of this drama and crap.
So, he called again and left a message: "Things are terrible. I NEED YOU TO GET ME A HOTEL ROOM. I know you have said you won't do it, but I have no choice. I can't be around these people now that I am detoxed! I am soaked and I'm trying not to freak out." That was it.
THEN, he calls my husband's phone - the phone number that apparently he doesn't remember and since he has no sim card doesn't have anymore - and said the same thing, basically. (My husband did not hear the message until this morning).
After the movie, my hubs and I went to bed. I had just a brief moment of "ohmygosh...he is alone, homeless in the rain and here I am snuggled safe under my covers!!" But it passed. I chose a life that gives me covers to snuggle under - he has chosen a life that leaves him on the street in the rain.
The truth is ugly - but it is the truth. And I slept like a baby last night.
I love my son. I want him to be well and healthy and live a life in which he is taking care of himself. He is 31 years old and it is TIME for him to be doing this. I accept whatever choices he makes, but I won't be RESPONSIBLE for them. If he wants to live homeless on the street - that is his choice and I accept it. But HE must find a way to support that lifestyle. If he wants to live in a hotel (sadly, we paid for a hotel for 9 months - I know...insane and so, so costly in so many ways! Everyday, though, he was on the brink of getting well and getting a job, etc, etc, etc.) then he needs to find work that will pay for the cost of night to night or weekly rates or whatever. If he wants a place of his own, then he needs to do what people do who have places of their own: get a job, be responsible, pay bills, etc.
It is not OUR responsibility to support him. We've told him he can NOT come home (been there done that 5 or more times already). We told him before detox that we would not be sending anymore money or be able to help him out anymore. Instead I sent him names, addresses and phone numbers of the organizations in his area that can help him in every area he needs help in - if he chooses to do that. And I told him not to contact me until he was getting help.
The silence from the constant phone calls has actually helped me to get clear on what I want in my own life. I am in school and trying to create a business for myself - I've given up everything for years trying to save him. I am simply DONE. I love him. I want good things for him. But he has to want them, too.
Either he will make it - or he won't. I have absolutely NO control over the outcome. I finally GET THAT.
Thank you for reading this far if you have - you all have been such a wonderful help to me as I read the stories and advice from everyone here. I would encourage others to keep reading and definitely read the article at the top of the forum on Detaching. Print it, read it over and over and over again. When you feel weak, get on this forum and read or reach out.
I shared my story about my son in another post a few weeks ago. Here is an update:
He ended up homeless and I gave him lots of information and contacts in his area for food/shelter, etc. (He lives 3000 miles away with no family around him at all). I even found some residential rehab places that he could contact. He was waiting to go into a detox program within a few days. I had said I was cautious about the outcome, but not too hopeful.
Well, he went into detox and it was supposed to be 7-10 days. He made it to day 5, then apparently he passed out while in the bathroom, hit his head and was taken to the ER. He said his heart stopped. He also said he had a seizure. I have not idea as he would not allow me to talk to any of the doctors or nurses caring for him. Maybe he did - maybe he didn't. In any case, he was discharged from the detox program.
He said he left his tent outside the building and it was stolen, but then told me he let someone borrow his tent - but now it was gone. He also lost his cell phone (or rather, the sim card was stolen). All he had was his backpack with some clothes.
I would call the hospital periodically to check on him. He promised to call me when he was discharged. I called and they told me he was discharged and just left. My greatest, most horrible fear had come to pass: he was out of contact with me. I would never know if something happened to him. For a few minutes I gave into that fear but I remembered that often times the worst things we think about never come to pass (I learned that on this forum!! Thank you!!)
A few days later I got a very fast call from him, as he was borrowing a phone, to tell me he had got a new tent and he was sooooo sorry he had not called me to tell me he was discharged, but he had been too busy. But guess what?? He is detoxed! He is no longer in methadone withdrawl - so that is GOOD, right? Apparently, he had time before he was discharged to call another family member who sent him money for a new tent, though. He got what he needed - and it wasn't me he needed unless *I* could give him what he wanted.
And there is always some statement made in the midst of drama that is almost like a hook to keep me there - the "I'm detoxed now!" statement was meant to be it. How many times have I grasped at SOMETHING - anything - as some kind of proof that things are better and that if I just keep "helping" him, he will eventually get to a place of healing and wholeness and stop sucking everyone dry of resources?
This time it did not work.
So, a few more days of silence go by because he has no cell phone. Let me explain here that in the past he has only called me and one other family member who regularly sends him money. He has always said it is because he can't remember my husband's phone number (mmmhmmmm...more like he knows who he can manipulate to give him what he wants).
So, last night he calls me from someone's phone and says, "I can only talk a minute, I am using a stranger's phone and the bus is here and I have to give it back. I'm just calling to say things are very bad. Ok - I will try to call you later."
A while later, another call to once again inform me very quickly that things are very bad and it is raining and he is soaked because his tent was slashed by the police and they had the audacity to tell him to get a job! Then he had to go again. (I have no idea if the whole tent thing is true or not - he has had 3 tents in 3 weeks - all of them stolen or destroyed. And no, I did not purchase a single one for him. Obviously, he is not learning from his mistakes...he has apparently gone back to the same place he was - a place full of "homeless junkies" instead of finding a new place to go to that is safer).
The next time he called, I didn't even bother to answer. I've told him before to call me only when he is getting the help he needs to get and doing what he needs to do to change his life. My husband I went back to watching our movie and I just turned the phone off. To be honest, it wasn't even hard to do. I'm just DONE with all of this drama and crap.
So, he called again and left a message: "Things are terrible. I NEED YOU TO GET ME A HOTEL ROOM. I know you have said you won't do it, but I have no choice. I can't be around these people now that I am detoxed! I am soaked and I'm trying not to freak out." That was it.
THEN, he calls my husband's phone - the phone number that apparently he doesn't remember and since he has no sim card doesn't have anymore - and said the same thing, basically. (My husband did not hear the message until this morning).
After the movie, my hubs and I went to bed. I had just a brief moment of "ohmygosh...he is alone, homeless in the rain and here I am snuggled safe under my covers!!" But it passed. I chose a life that gives me covers to snuggle under - he has chosen a life that leaves him on the street in the rain.
The truth is ugly - but it is the truth. And I slept like a baby last night.
I love my son. I want him to be well and healthy and live a life in which he is taking care of himself. He is 31 years old and it is TIME for him to be doing this. I accept whatever choices he makes, but I won't be RESPONSIBLE for them. If he wants to live homeless on the street - that is his choice and I accept it. But HE must find a way to support that lifestyle. If he wants to live in a hotel (sadly, we paid for a hotel for 9 months - I know...insane and so, so costly in so many ways! Everyday, though, he was on the brink of getting well and getting a job, etc, etc, etc.) then he needs to find work that will pay for the cost of night to night or weekly rates or whatever. If he wants a place of his own, then he needs to do what people do who have places of their own: get a job, be responsible, pay bills, etc.
It is not OUR responsibility to support him. We've told him he can NOT come home (been there done that 5 or more times already). We told him before detox that we would not be sending anymore money or be able to help him out anymore. Instead I sent him names, addresses and phone numbers of the organizations in his area that can help him in every area he needs help in - if he chooses to do that. And I told him not to contact me until he was getting help.
The silence from the constant phone calls has actually helped me to get clear on what I want in my own life. I am in school and trying to create a business for myself - I've given up everything for years trying to save him. I am simply DONE. I love him. I want good things for him. But he has to want them, too.
Either he will make it - or he won't. I have absolutely NO control over the outcome. I finally GET THAT.
Thank you for reading this far if you have - you all have been such a wonderful help to me as I read the stories and advice from everyone here. I would encourage others to keep reading and definitely read the article at the top of the forum on Detaching. Print it, read it over and over and over again. When you feel weak, get on this forum and read or reach out.
