Update on Rob

[Suz]

I just saw that Abbey heard from J so I guess our boys are finally checking in. When I'm done here, I'll go check out her thread.

I took Rob out for breakfast last Saturday. I hadn't seen him since Christmas and he called for the first time since Christmas just a couple of days before that. He and his girlfriend are breaking up (but I've heard that many times before) and he's still unemployed. Miraculously, girlfriend is working and paying the bills right now- he supported her for 3 years when she refused to work or got fired so he feels that turnabout is fair play right now. They are just awful together- fire and water- and have been for the last year or so. He needs to get a job to be self-sufficient to move out if that's what he wants to do.

He had his court date on the 21st. He got 2.5 years probation, 5 Saturdays of DUI "school", and some hefty fines. If he keeps his nose clean, he can get his driver's license back in August. FINGERS CROSSED! I reminded him of his propensity for alcohol abuse but know that he is the only person who can choose to do the right thing.

He looks good. He used to have 11 piercings in each ear and an eyebrow one and I can't remember what else. The last couple of times I've seen him he hasn't had any at all. I wonder if the guys in the construction biz (he was a roofer for a couple of years) convinced him that it looked as silly as it looked. lol

At one point I asked him to think back and tell me what I could have done to be a "better" Mom to him when he was in high school, to help him avoid some of the trouble he got in, etc. He gave it some thought and said,"Mom, you didn't do anything wrong. It was all me. I was just rebellious. It wouldn't have made any difference what you did, I just wanted to get out."

And he did get out, that's for sure.

He admitted that there are times when he has many regrets but he really does seem so unattached that I wouldn't be surprised if, in his heart of hearts, he still wouldn't have preferred to be in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) than in a loving home. Such is the terrible impact of mental illness/attachment problems, etc.

When I got home I called my brother because I needed some perspective (the desire to rescue is still very difficult to squelch as you all know) and he set me straight and got me back on track again. Rob knows what he needs to do- so I hope he does it.

I still yearn for what it must be like to have a "normal" kid with a "normal" connection to family and I envy those of you who have pcs in your families to give you some balance.....then I force myself to remember how appreciative I am that he is healthy, treats me with respect for the most part, and that we have come a very long way. KNOCK ON WOOD.

Suz

 

[Sunlight]

the DUI school is very costly, maybe it is included in his fines. ant had to attend DUI school in 3 counties, still has one to go. it was 300.00 per county. two counties included it in fines, the other he has to pay the first night there.


if B breaks up with him, I wonder where he will live and how he will get about if he gets a job. I am sure he will make out ok.

glad he took responsibility for his own actions and let you know it was not your fault.

he is still your son. he will always be a part of your life one way or another. it will get better as he matures.

 

[Fran]

<span style='font-size: 11pt'>Suz, I hear that yearning for a child that has problems that aren't so devastating. I'm glad he verbalized that it wasn't you. I'm sure intellectually you know that but it is always hidden in our hearts somewhere that we let them down. We didn't save them. The truth is that you did save him Suz. He is peeling off layer of opposition and immaturity a little at a time. I'm hoping he will continue forward.
Hugs. I know it is tough to let them sink or swim or to not let them take advantage of you. You are incredibly strong. </span>

 

[AliceLee]

Suz, I hope it brings you some comfort that he told you "it wasn't your fault." I think most of us carry around a load of guilt, wondering what we could have done differently. Remember, there's not a perfect parent on the face of this earth. We just love our kids and do the best we can.

 

[Suz]

AliceLee, yes, it did bring some small comfort when he told me it wasn't me. I really believe him. We are at that place where we can tell each other things and I do think he would have told me if I'd just blown it altogether or something.

Fran described it best with her "we let them down." When exdh and I adopted Rob I felt it was a huge responsibility (duh-lol)--but almost moreso than if I'd given birth because it was premeditated, deliberate, and, for me, with years of fore thought. I started thinking about adoption when I was in high school and knew I would do it some day in addition to bio kids. I had such high expectations for what kind of Mom I would be, or wanted to be, that I didn't come close to living up to my own expectations. I was impatient, unkind, heck- I was a downright AWFUL PERSON sometimes. sigh. So anyway, Rob's words are helping me feel reassured a bit that I didn't do permanent damage to him, thank God.

Janet, he is looking for a job within walking distance of his apartment so hopefully he won't have to drive a vehicle illegally (I don't think he owns one now) to get to work and back. I have no idea how he will get to his DUI classes or PO. His problem.

Suz

 

[judi]

Suz - thanks for the update! It sounds like Rob is doing well. It sounds like he is growing up. I'm glad you had a nice visit.

 

[Sue C]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">At one point I asked him to think back and tell me what I could have done to be a "better" Mom to him when he was in high school, to help him avoid some of the trouble he got in, etc. He gave it some thought and said,"Mom, you didn't do anything wrong. It was all me. I was just rebellious. </div></div>

I'm so glad to hear that Rob is not blaming you!!! I'm sure that made you feel good.

Hugs,
Sue

 

[busywend]

Suz, I have felt I tried to be 'too good' of a mom due to my first child being stillborn. I felt I had already let one child down by not being able to keep him alive to birth. I had to be an extra great mom to my new baby so she would not die, too. I know - but it is what I thought then. My difference from you is I was too patient and too kind. Probably got walked on a bit by being too nice and friendly with difficult child.

I am glad Rob was able to tell you his honest feelings about your relationship. That will go along way to your future relationship.

Glad your brother is there for support!

HUGS!

 

[Suz]

Thanks Judi and Sue. We've certainly been through the trenches together, haven't we?

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> My difference from you is I was too patient and too kind. </div></div>

No, we aren't that different, Wendy. I was sharing my opinion of me before. Sorry- I can see how that would be confusing.

In fact, Rob thought I was too patient and too kind most of the time. He equated niceness as being "weak". It was a perpetual dichotomy. I didn't get walked on, he chose to try to bully and humiliate me instead.

I am very glad those days are over! :whew:


Suz

 

[kris]

<span style="color: #993399"> suz, i've spent the last seven ~~~ yes, SEVEN ~~~ years reading our posts, watching you pain & frustration trying to parent rob. it's been a long & often sad road.

i think the fact that he was able to be so open with-you was a huge leap for him ~~~ as well as you. who would have thunk, huh?

he's growing....little by little. he's getting there. it's so great to see.

kris :smile: </span>

 

[KFld]

Thanks for the update and it sounded to me like a good one. At least you had a chance to get together and talk, and yes he still has choices to make to get his life back on track.

Glad you were able to call your brother to put things into perspective for you. I know it always helps me to have someone to talk to and run things by when I'm not quite sure how to feel or what to think.

 

[Abbey]

Gosh Suz...(fingers crossed), it does sound like he's growing up. My grandmother told me that you never appreciate your youth until it's lost or until you've had your own kids. :rofl: I guess for some it takes longer than others.

I hope he's on the right track and continues to go down that path. It's nice to know that he's looking back and putting things in perspective.

Abbey

 

[witzend]

Thanks for the update, Suz. It's sure a long road, isn't it?

 

[hearthope]

Thanks for sharing the good news!

I think every mother has thoughts of if I had only....

We all do the very best we can at any given moment.

It must be such a blessing to your heart for him to share with you that it wasn't you, it was him.

I hope all of us here can hear those same words someday....

 

[Marcie Mac]

What a good update Suz - a few years ago bet you would never even think that kind of conversation would be possible.

Hugs
Marcie

 

[Suz]

Thanks, everyone.

It was of course wonderful to feel somewhat vindicated after our conversation......but the very best part of it was that HE TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS.

For those of you who didn't know us then, this is huge. For those of you who've been through this with us you know how huge it is. :faint:

Suz :smile:

 

[KFld]

I know how huge it is. It's beyond huge!!!!!! As a matter of fact, I don't think it could get any huger

 

[rejectedmom]

Suz, I agree it is huge that Rob took responsibility for his actions. I am also glad he told you that none of his rebellion was your fault. It is my hope that he continues to sort through his "stuff" and continues to progress. -RM

 

[DDD]

It's been such a long hard road for you and I'm thrilled that you
can see some forward movement toward maturity and adulthood. I
think that Rob's conversation showed a giant step. After hoping
and praying for each baby step...you must be ecstatic! Great!
DDD

 

[timer lady]

Suz,

What a wonderful update on Rob! Is it okay if I take a glimmer of hope from this for wm??? :wink:

Thanks for sharing with us, lady. :flower: