Dear Helpless,
I wasn't sure where to start. I will share some of my experiences with self-care and detaching. I hope this helps. Take what helps and leave the rest.
This must be so tough to wrap your mind around. One of the hardest parts to be in this cycle is trying to make sense of it. It isn't supposed to make sense. A turning point for me was to accept that my "why" was never to be answered. We do NOT share the same values as our addicted children, that's why we don't choose drugs and alcohol, yet we suffer the consequences.
The good news is that you can step back and let your son take the consequences, HE made these choices-perhaps not to be this person, BUT continuing with substance abuse is HIS choice and the consequences should be his alone. I agree with the others to share with your husband. I was always afraid to tell mine of J's shameful acts. He was mad at first but then offered such support, It turned out well in the end because his sobriety was all the sweeter. The consequence that was hardest for me to tolerate was taking away access to his sisters.
I came in one night and he was passed out in his room, The door was open and his pants were halfway down and he had his hand "full." I don't know if anyone else walked in on it, but I was like holy sh&t what if his little sisters witnessed that? The only reason I share this is that it's hard to shake the image BUT it allowed me to step back and deny access to my home and family. I explained that MY values do not align with his, and I would protect the family at all costs. It took about 6 months but he called me and asked me to drug test him to prove he was sober (he was homeless and addicted to meth, weed, Xanax-hell anything he could get his hands on). He said that the ONE CATALYST to his sobriety was the consequence of being separated from his sisters. It devastated all three of them, but again-it made the sober reunion all the sweeter.
Helpless if you ever take any counsel from me, about your situation, let it be two things; 1)-allow your son to take on the consequences so that HE can grow. You will not always be there to cover for him. He needs to learn skills to be well. 2)-practice self-care. Others have stated the same.
Let us work on things that YOU can control. You can control your involvement and self-care. Detach with love. It doesn't have to be a fight-just a simple "I'm going to go take care of myself and I'll see you when you do the same...(or something you are comfortable saying (or not saying.) Self-care can take on many forms. These are merely suggestions. I am NOT a counselor, not even close. This is what has worked for me during the worst of times.
*Deep breathing 4-7-9 tactical breathing like police and military practice. Take a deep breath in (through your nose) for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds then exhale for 9 seconds. You will feel like you are out of air while exhaling but go slow. This allows your lungs to inflate and bring oxygen back up to your brain. Anxiety often brings on shallow breathing which leads to clouded thinking. Do you find yourself holding your breath? II use this technique for panic attacks and it allowed me to fall asleep after 4-5 reps.
*Walking somewhere in nature. trees and flowers offer beauty and life. We are all connected and nature puts beauty on display (water, trees, herbs, gardens, birds, etc...)
*Reading can take you to another place in your wind and give you reprieve from the spinning wheel in your mind. You could perhaps start with Codependence No More by Melody Beattie. I would then recommend something you are interested in.
*Meditate-the people on this site taught me how. I always thought meditating was "cooky" because I didn't understand it. I watched videos from Eckhart Tolle on negative thinking. I watched it EVERY day:
Breaking Addiction to Negative Thinking the second is supposed to be an awake meditation but it made me fall asleep so I listened after my deep breathing:
A Special Meditation - Deepening Into the Dimension of Stillness with Eckhart Tolle (Binaural Audio)
*Find yourself. Who did you want to be when you grew up? Who were you before your son's illness? Be that person, develop that person again. Find your purpose and pay close attention to the people around you that reciprocate your love and kindness. You sound like a wonderful, empathetic woman with a lot of love to give. Nothing feels more soothing than reciprocated love.
*Buying a new shampoo or body soap that smells good and focuses on the smell while in the shower. It helps to focus on something good rather than grieving.
*Get a new coffee mug and fill it with your favorite drink for your new start. Get a matching one for your best friend. Have virtual coffee with him/her and talk about something unrelated.
* Eat three times a day and stay hydrated. Even if it's just nibbling. Get some sort of fuel for your mind and body.
*Make a card for your husband and other children thanking them for support and encourage them to practice self-care as well.
and lastly, *feel our virtual hugs. We are all over the United States and abroad; yet we are there with you, holding your hand, propping you up, sitting beside you sipping a cold/warm beverage. We love you, and you are not alone.
Love, JMOM