Update on sons, can’t function or think rationally anymore

[Bettyboo44]

I posted previously about my sons, my eldest is out of prison and doing okay, but continues drinking so I know it won’t last very long and I’m dreading what’s ahead. Prison again, domestic abuse, who knows, it’s a horrible waiting game and one I don’t want to keep playing. However I am grateful he’s doing okay at the moment and is staying in his own place and has maintained a job.
My youngest son (23) who lives with me also continues drinking but today he came rushing down to me in my car..(we were leaving to go to the recycling centre, and I was waiting for him in the car because he went back in home to get his phone) to inform me there was a fire in his room! Of course my first reaction was to go back in home to check what was happening and the house was stinking of smoke and his carpet in his room and part of his bed was burnt!
He had put out the fire but I was totally confused as how this happened and after questioning him, he claimed it was a disposable vape that was on his carpet that must have burst and set alight, but that’s highly unlikely and there was a lighter that was burnt down to almost nothing. We live in a flat in a building with 5 other flats..all I could think of was what if he hadn’t went back up to get his phone. Currently it’s just past 3am and he left home about 5 hours ago indicating he won’t be back, as in a way that he has so frequently before. He’s threatened suicide to me on numerous occasions and part of me just thinks I can’t keep living in fear of what he says he’s going to do but of course the other part of me won’t let me relax, because I can’t help wondering where he is, is he okay. But also is this part of a manipulative game, rather than focusing on how his room went on a mini fire, the focus is now on him. Either way, neither of these things are okay. His bedroom is utterly undesirable (even before the fire!) and unfortunately his personal hygiene has diminished so much it’s now pretty much non existent, plus his own personal outlook on life and how crap everything is and what’s the point ,etc 24/7 constantly is beyond draining and soul destroying to live with and I simply can’t keep carrying on in this situation but I don’t know how to get out of it. To move, means he’ll have to find his own place, but I’m thinking surely that has to be better than this, for both our sakes? As in if not that, then this cycle…this dangerous cycle won’t ever stop?

 

[ksm]

Hugs. There aren't many things that are more painful than being the mom of an addict. No good solutions. No rules or boundaries that are guaranteed to help them. Sometimes you decide to help yourself...but I think there is always a good chance that we all second guess what we decide...whatever decide...if we can decide...

Hugs. Ksm

 

[LetGo]

Bettyboo, I am sorry that you are going through this. Would your son be able to find his own place? For both of you, it might be a place to start. This is certainly not an easy situation. I hope you can get some sleep. I always say to never underestimate the power of sleep. Hugs

 

[Copabanana]

I can’t keep living in fear of what he says he’s going to do but of course the other part of me won’t let me relax, because I can’t help wondering where he is, is he okay

You have identified very clearly the core issue here and the solution. There is no safety, no self, no peace as long as we live our lives as if we are our adult children. Our selves, our souls, we've left contingent upon them. What they do, what they say, how they feel. They very quickly learn that their own power base lies in manipulating us by putting their feelings in us. Only you can stop this. There is no judgement here. Only understanding and compassion.

The need for your younger son to live his own life is the right thing for him. Your need to be at peace is the right thing for you. Free yourself. Free your son.

 

[Bettyboo44]

Hugs. There aren't many things that are more painful than being the mom of an addict. No good solutions. No rules or boundaries that are guaranteed to help them. Sometimes you decide to help yourself...but I think there is always a good chance that we all second guess what we decide...whatever decide...if we can decide...

Hugs. Ksm

You are so right, whatever I do I will be second guessing it, but I think helping myself is not only important but think it’s a must before I fear I might lose my sanity. I hear you, that there is no right answer, but I’m certain this awful cycle I find myself and my son/sons in simply can’t be of any good
to anyone.
Thank you Ksm, truly appreciate your reply and hugs back

 

[Bettyboo44]

Bettyboo, I am sorry that you are going through this. Would your son be able to find his own place? For both of you, it might be a place to start. This is certainly not an easy situation. I hope you can get some sleep. I always say to never underestimate the power of sleep. Hugs

Unfortunately he’s not capable of doing much for himself or simply won’t do much for himself and I really struggle with telling him he has to go but I can’t think of anything else that will stop this horrible recurring nightmare. I agree that a start needs to be made, and I guess I just need the strength to make it. Yes absolutely, I must try relax my brain and get some proper rest. Hugs back

 

[Bettyboo44]

You have identified very clearly the core issue here and the solution. There is no safety, no self, no peace as long as we live our lives as if we are our adult children. Our selves, our souls, we've left contingent upon them. What they do, what they say, how they feel. They very quickly learn that their own power base lies in manipulating us by putting their feelings in us. Only you can stop this. There is no judgement here. Only understanding and compassion.

The need for your younger son to live his own life is the right thing for him. Your need to be at peace is the right thing for you. Free yourself. Free your son.

Well that’s exactly right, I truly believe he is manipulating me, but how can he do that through tears and saying he needs help? Like I struggle to understand is the tears and pleas for help real or part of tugging on my heartstrings?
Also the only way for him to move in to his own place (as our current situation is) is for him to get temporary accommodation (no guarantees where and what that place will be like). I live in rented accommodation and am more than happy to leave it if that means we can break this cycle, so that’s an avenue that I’m also exploring as a possibility. Either way though it will mean he has to go in to temporary accommodation. I’m just so nervous at the prospect of him living somewhere he’s put in to on his own, especially if it’s going to be in the same town we live in now or nearby. I know that will mean I won’t truly get any peace.

 

[Copabanana]

but how can he do that through tears and saying he needs help? Like I struggle to understand is the tears and pleas for help real or part of tugging on my heartstrings?

Your son's powerbase as he feels it now is in you. What you do for him. What you give him. What feelings he evokes in you. It's like he's only powerful if he's playing pinball (do they still play pinball?) and the ball lands in the hole. You're the hole.

That is not real power. That is dependency. Your son (and mine) will only be okay when they see that their well-being depends upon them. Their behavior. Their choices. Their actions. Not on us.

He needs to address his pleas for help to himself, that he do what he needs to do, to seek help where it is available. Not from you.

especially if it’s going to be in the same town we live in now or nearby. I know that will mean I won’t truly get any peace.

It is always harder for me when my son returns to my town. But it's not as bad as it once was. The peace we seek is in us. It's not in them or what they do or don't do.

I do not doubt that your son feels helpless and dependent. The more you and I feed that in our adult children the more we reinforce to them, they don't have to change. Crying is not a solution to problems. Dependency is not a solution. Helplessness is not a solution.

 

[Copabanana]

As in if not that, then this cycle…this dangerous cycle won’t ever stop?

Do you see that you're doing the same thing as your son is doing?
His stance is this: Unless you help me, do for me, I will not survive. (to paraphrase)

You seem to imply this: Unless you stop threatening suicide, using drugs and alcohol, act like a normal human being, which is rationally, I will stay trapped in this cycle.

Each of you is acting helpless. Your life and well-being are NOT contingent on what he does or does not do. You do not have to be miserable, fearful, helpless, and consumed by this situation. This is a choice. We do not have to feel and act as if our very lives depend upon what our ADULT children do or don't do.

 

[LetGo]

Do you see that you're doing the same thing as your son is doing?
His stance is this: Unless you help me, do for me, I will not survive. (to paraphrase)

You seem to imply this: Unless you stop threatening suicide, using drugs and alcohol, act like a normal human being, which is rationally, I will stay trapped in this cycle.

Each of you is acting helpless. Your life and well-being is NOT contingent on what he does or does not do. You do not have to be miserable, fearful, helpless, and consumed by this situation. This is a choice. We do not have to feel and act as if our very lives depend upon what are ADULT children do or don't do.

Well said, Copa. We are the ones that have to draw a line in the sand. Simply, because we can. We seem to be the ones who right now can make thoughtful and rational choices. It can be hard to do but in the long run, it is the best thing for our adult children. This way they can move on and the choices really become their own. And we are no longer trapped. Hugs

 

[LostinTranslation77]

I posted previously about my sons, my eldest is out of prison and doing okay, but continues drinking so I know it won’t last very long and I’m dreading what’s ahead. Prison again, domestic abuse, who knows, it’s a horrible waiting game and one I don’t want to keep playing. However I am grateful he’s doing okay at the moment and is staying in his own place and has maintained a job.
My youngest son (23) who lives with me also continues drinking but today he came rushing down to me in my car..(we were leaving to go to the recycling centre, and I was waiting for him in the car because he went back in home to get his phone) to inform me there was a fire in his room! Of course my first reaction was to go back in home to check what was happening and the house was stinking of smoke and his carpet in his room and part of his bed was burnt!
He had put out the fire but I was totally confused as how this happened and after questioning him, he claimed it was a disposable vape that was on his carpet that must have burst and set alight, but that’s highly unlikely and there was a lighter that was burnt down to almost nothing. We live in a flat in a building with 5 other flats..all I could think of was what if he hadn’t went back up to get his phone. Currently it’s just past 3am and he left home about 5 hours ago indicating he won’t be back, as in a way that he has so frequently before. He’s threatened suicide to me on numerous occasions and part of me just thinks I can’t keep living in fear of what he says he’s going to do but of course the other part of me won’t let me relax, because I can’t help wondering where he is, is he okay. But also is this part of a manipulative game, rather than focusing on how his room went on a mini fire, the focus is now on him. Either way, neither of these things are okay. His bedroom is utterly undesirable (even before the fire!) and unfortunately his personal hygiene has diminished so much it’s now pretty much non existent, plus his own personal outlook on life and how crap everything is and what’s the point ,etc 24/7 constantly is beyond draining and soul destroying to live with and I simply can’t keep carrying on in this situation but I don’t know how to get out of it. To move, means he’ll have to find his own place, but I’m thinking surely that has to be better than this, for both our sakes? As in if not that, then this cycle…this dangerous cycle won’t ever stop?

I'm new here. Going thru an adult son messing up situation too. How horrible for you and them. Where is Dad? Any other relatives to help? I just read the post on detachment and it really hit home. I'm trying to do that now. It's hard. Hoping you are able to get some help with them or detach or...jeez, I don't know what at this point! Older brother sounds like he's doing better - good. Can he help with the younger one? I feel like I have no advice or words of wisdom because I'm in over my head as well. I do hope it gets better for you! <3