Hi Acacia this is very tough stuff you are experiencing. I am so sorry.
It's almost midnight, and I don't have plans to call him, but here's the thing. If I knew my youngest son had been sick and in the hospital, I would be in my car right now on the way. My youngest has never raised his voice at me and always treats me respectfully, even when he disagrees.
I don’t think you can compare your response to a loving son verses a belligerent abusive one. You are a loving concerned mother. In the case with your abusive son, the reality you face with interaction is different. There is no reciprocity, appreciation or respect. Manipulation and disrespect usually follow his reaching out to you. It is a pattern. Your response to block contact is a repercussion of his mistreatment of you. That is a healthy response for you and your son. You have set a boundary. That teaches him that his abuse is unacceptable. That’s a good thing Acacia. I have come to see these patterns in relationship with my two. I can’t control their ways, only my reaction to it. So, that is what I need to work on. My response, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
The thought of talking to my DS triggers my ptsd. I feel the anxiety physically, can't concentrate, and here I sit, not able to calm myself. My instincts as a mother are to reach out, but he has not apologized, and I don't trust him not to lash out again, or manipulate me, and I am sure he wants rescuing. He has alienated everyone in our family, and, I imagine he is homeless or on the verge in our very cold state of NH, which has poor services. See, I am catastrophizing.
It’s that old fear, obligation and guilt working on you.
What your son is experiencing are the consequences of mistreating those who love him.
When I go into the emotions you describe, the catastrophic circular thinking, I know it is too much for my heart and mind to handle, so I pray. I give it to God. This helps to calm me. My two are very ill, and see me as their problem. I can’t absorb that negative energy. It is them refusing to look inward, denying their responsibility and putting it on me.
I don't want to call, but I don't want to be heartless. Do I text him that I love him, but tell him he must find his own way forward? Do I continue to not respond? Logic tells me this is the best course given his behavior towards me, but boy is this hard stuff.
This is tough stuff. Only you know what you can handle. If you don’t call it does not mean you are heartless. My mind and heart play tricks on me the same way. What no contact means is that we both have taken a stance
for our own protection. It is okay to realize that contact with our ill adult children is damaging, and limit or stop contact altogether to regain strength. This does not mean we have grown cold and don’t care. It means that we have been through enough emotional upheaval and degradation to have to take necessary steps to ensure our own peace.
I think what your’e battling is what your normal reaction would be in a healthy relationship with your well son, if he needed your help. Of course you would be there for him. When my eldest was in the hospital for her badly infected leg, I went to see her. Only because I felt strong enough to do so. It saddened me to see her in such a state. But I didn’t fall into the abyss. She ended up leaving the next day AMA and I didn’t see her for awhile. She is back with her abusive boyfriend. I go through my ups and downs, but am resolved that the choices she makes, makes it dangerous for me to contact her.
I am sorry for your troubles Acacia. I have gone through those times where my stance has made me question myself. My eldest has appeared at home in the past, beaten up by her boyfriend. I offered to take her to a dv shelter, she refused. Then, she came the next day, high and chatting about nonsense. I have found that my two will reach out to me with their troubles, expecting me to jump into rescue mode. When I didn’t, I went through the same feelings you are, PTSD, anxiety over the what if’s. Each time, my daughters have managed to survive, in fact it becomes just another Tuesday for them. Meanwhile, I had put myself through another downward cycle battling the sadness and despair. Looking back, it feels designed to keep me in the rabbit hole, questioning myself and my stance to protect my heart. This way, it is difficult to stand up for myself. I think the addiction and mental illness our beloveds suffer would have us bound to our adult children. Flailing and struggling with each consequence they bring upon themselves, second guessing our good judgement to disentangle. Stay strong and do what helps you to see clearly. That is where your focus should be, on how much
you can handle without going into the rabbit hole.
I wish you peace of mind dear one. This is hard, but you deserve to live the best rest of your life. Your son has to find his way, and he has to know that it is unacceptable to mistreat you.
Much love and strength.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
