Update (white flag waiving...)

[wakeupcall]

Mikey, you are living my worst nightmare. This is exactly what my dear friend was going through with her son (my difficult child's bio dad). Her son has been in the pen three times...and this time (still in) for six years. We adopted difficult child from him at birth, but I have visions of this very thing happening with my difficult child.....and I have no idea what I would do. I think it would be ME who would "bring the bottom up" and husband who would cave each time difficult child would plead. What a devastating way for you to be living your life right now. These children can tear out our hearts and stomp on them, never grateful for all that you sacrifice. My difficult child has no siblings at home and I often think how much more difficult life would be if I was trying to protect a sibling, not only myself. Right now difficult child is SO influenced by his peers because he wants to fit in so badly...THAT alone scares me to death. I feel for you, Mikey. Your wife is hurting badly, too. I admire that you haven't just said..."Then have at it!!" and walked away. I would be very tempted....

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I admire that you haven't just said..."Then have at it!!" and walked away. I would be very tempted.... </div></div>

Don't think I haven't been tempted. The only two reasons I haven't caved in and walked, or turned into a walking zombie in the house are:

(a) Even though this is bad, this isn't the worst thing wife and I have been through, and it'll be a cold day in Hades before I give up on her and our relationship (even if it means treating my own son like a meddlesome, invasive pest), and

(b) For three generations back, Every male member of my family has been full of bravado (amongst other "substances"); and every single one of them has found a way to walk out on his family, leaving the wife/mother to deal with the mess. I can see how well that worked out, with so many of my family either dead, permanantly health-damaged, incarcerated, or some combination therof because dear ole Dad walked out when the going got tough.

Not me. I don't care if I end up castrated, lobotomized, and permanently quadraplegic. I will NOT walk away from my family, even if I end up as the odd man out. Hard as it may be, and even though I sometimes wonder aloud about leaving, I'll never do it because it would doom another generation to chaos and anarchy when they need structure.

I may wonder about leaving, but I wonder more what my family might have been like if just one male had stood up and said "this isn't right, it's not good for me, and it's really bad for my family, and it has to stop NOW!". Just one person making the effort - what might our life be like now?

That's what I wonder about. And for now, no matter how hard it gets, and no matter how much I may think about giving up, I'm still that Type-A male whose last name ends in a vowel. For once in this family, someone is going to take a stand. I won't be an inflexible wall, but I also won't being the family version of the Maginot line (fake wall that's easily defeated).

There's too much worth fighting for.

Okay, end of rant.

Mike

 

[wakeupcall]

I suppose it's easier for me to THINK, "Then have at it!!", because I'm not the male or the father-figure. If I were going to walk, it would have been Sept. 10, 2000 when my whole world came raining down on me and my little four-year-old difficult child (apart from the obvious time my older son was killed). I've not been the same since.....and it has to be ME who saves him. And that I will.

I'm sorry life is so hard for all of you right now, Mikey.

 

[Sunlight]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I wonder more what my family might have been like if just one male had stood up and said "this isn't right, it's not good for me, and it's really bad for my family, and it has to stop NOW!". Just one person making the effort - what might our life be like now?

</div></div>

perhaps like you they tried to stand up but we told their opinion didnt matter and they should sit back down... so they left after many futile tries.

just wondering.

 

[rejectedmom]

OK Mikey, I see that you feel you cannot get any control over the home situation. So it's time to accept that and detach from it. Do nice things with your wife; go out to dinner or other outings that both of you would enjoy. Set boundries; demand that while on dates no kids will be disscussed. Wife will not adhere at first that is normal, just keep changing the subject if she tries to make the kids the focus of your date night conversations.

Take dancer out to do things both of you enjoy also. Go fishing with Sarge or to a sporting event or anything else the two of you might enjoy doing together. Fill your life with nice things and positive interactions. Do not enter into the Mcweedy chaos. When wife askes you to back her up on some issue with him just say "listen to your mother she has your best interest at heart" and go back to what you were doing.

If wife continues to try to pull you into her argument just say you need to use the bathroom or some other excuse to leave the room and stay away until you are confident the crisis is over and they have retired to their corners. In other words REMOVE yourself from the discordant mix but still interact with all in positive ways.

I am in total agreement with Janet. I was in this very same situation with my family when i was trying to save my difficult child from drugs and bad friends. I learned that we each evolve to "the need to detach" at different rates. Your wife isn't there and the conflict it causes between you and her is hurting Dancer and your marriage.

I finally stoped harping on what I thought needed to be done and let each of my family members evolve on their own. When they saw that even though I was the one who had been most hurt I was also the one with the most acceptance and peace they began to tune in to what I was doing.

When they asked for my advicee and began arguing or debating it I would just say "You asked for my advice (or opinion) I am giving it. You can do what you want with it but I am not going to argue with you or debate it."

It took me a while but I learned I could lead without conflict. I now lead by example and gentle nudging. I wanted peace in my life and I came to realize that I could create that in the midst of all the chaos around me. It is hard work at first but it becomes easier and easier over time and with practice. I do slip from time to time but I get over it quickly and go back to what works for me.

So, focus on your needs. Persue your own happiness. Find your peace and others will follow. -RM

 

[jbrain]

RM,
wow, that is great advice! I really like what you said--I would think this approach is one that could work for Mikey and his family. Wish I would have known about this group earlier when my difficult child 1 was such a problem--you guys always have the best advice!
Jane

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Hey Mikey,

I admire your tenacity and your wanting to stay for the sake of the family unit. Way to go for breaking the cycle of runaway dads. That is commendable.

RM and Janet's ideas are good ones to explore. It is very easy to revert to the Type A (my maiden name ends in a vowel, too, it's in my blood) but it is not impossible to take the back seat.

Try it. Watch your blood pressure go down. It's as good an option as any.