Update

[Helpless29]

Things with my son seemed to get better , he would come twice a week sometimes when he wasn’t working & hang out with us for a few hours.
I allowed him to see his little brothers & it has went well . I know he’s still living with his friends family & still working construction. All sounds good right? But got a call from his dad Saturday night or should I say at 1am in the morning, my son was all messed up on Facebook live on the railroad tracks saying he wanted to kill himself , he’s never been suicidal & I honestly think it was to get attention from his on & off again girlfriend . They have a toxic relationship. I heard another day the family who he stays with , would not let him in one night because he was messed up , not sure if it was drugs or if he was intoxicated could be both . I hope he does not ruin it over there because they have been the only ones trying to help him . He called me a few times today but I didn’t answer . He was texting asking for money , I’m wondering what he spent his check on , he just got paid last week . Anyway , besides all that , I just been packing & getting ready for our move out of Chicago , we’ll be a hour away , at first I felt so guilty for leaving but now I see no matter how much help he gets , he’s still so immature & does not want to change or get help for his addiction. Im sure it’s pills, cocaine & alcohol. I’m saddened that he just can’t see how many great opportunities have come his way to do good & have a better life.

 

[Copabanana]

Hello Helpless

I am sorry you're sad and that the merry-go-round keeps going round and round.

Your son is very, very young. He is impulsive and he is headstrong. He does not think further than his nose. He seems like he's self-indulgent and a drama queen. On the other hand, he is a very, very lucky young man, for how capable he is, how much people want to help him, and how he lands on his feet.

I will tell you what I think. He's playing with real fire, with the pills, cocaine, and alcohol. I think you're right. All of these opportunities and skills and qualities count for not much if he's an addict, and so very immature.

As far as losing the family who's helping him, due to his bad behavior. Of course, he's going to ruin it, if he keeps on this way. Who in their right mind would take such a chance repeatedly with somebody as erratic as your son. They would have to be nuts, or maybe, you don't know everything about them, and they have problems too.

It sounds like the move an hour away is just the right thing for both you and for your son. He needs distance from you. He needs the consequences of his actions. He needs to be away from the family. That's what I think. Whatever happened to the gang ties? You're not afraid anymore that the gang is after him?

To me, the main events in your son's life are the drugs, the crazy, erratic, self-destructive behavior, and his involvement with gangs, and weapons. If he keeps this up it's a matter of time until he's incarcerated again, which wouldn't be the worst thing. He would be safer in jail, with a chance to get clean.

As talented and capable as he is, he will always have opportunities, but right now he has real problems, that won't go away unless he dedicates himself to change. And it sounds like he's not interested.

I am glad you posted an update helpless. It's good to hear from you. Please try not to worry so much. There is not one thing that I can think of, that you can d.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi, friend. I am so sorry for all these setbacks. It hurts our hearts. I honestly think it is harder on us at times. Treat yourself well. This is so important. Do so even when you don't think you can....because you can.

Addicts, when in active addiction, self sabotage. Always. It is a big part of the horrible disease of addiction that only THEY can can reign in. In Nar Anon we have something called the 3 Cs and they are so right. Here they are: We did not CAUSE it (,we didn't!), we can't CONTROL it (not at all), and we can't CURE it (it is a chronic illness...the addict must choose sobriety and stop using.) Cause, Control, Cure. These things are not about us.

But while the addict is using, destruction is what he does. There is no reasoning ability. They destroy everything. They are not thinking ",I care about my future" or "Mom will be worried" or "This family is good to me so I can't ruin it." They are not thinking one moment ahead.

Moving an hour away from him isn't far and will neither help nor hurt him since he alone has to get sober. His sobriety is the key. It has nothing to do with his girlfriend, his job, this family....it is all about him, not them. Nobody forced him to use. Life is hard. They can't relapse over every difficulty or they will never stay clean. Ever. When is life always stress free? Never.

His age is on his side. But that doesn't mean he will or won't decide to be sober now. Some quit at 21 forever. One I know quit strangely when his remaining parent died...38...and has been sober since for 33 years. He has not so much as taken a sip of beer in all this time. Nothing. He still attends NA meetings to help others and himself. It is very hard decision a person makes and once the person is serious, he or she does it, no matter how hard it is. And sustaining is hard too. But they do. Or not. Wish we had crystal balls.

Do not plan your life based on whether your son is doing better or worse. It won't affect him. Maybe join Nar Anon or get therapy to help you do life well even with an addicted beloved child. That is YOUR recovery, not to implode because of his addiction. It is also hard but it is doable. 90 percent of the time, we are finally happy and in our recovery.

Being good to yourself is a wonderful example to show your son. That is giving him the best gift you can. It is all you can do for him. Set a good example.

I send you prayers and lots of love. You can do this.

 

[Helpless29]

Hello Helpless

I am sorry you're sad and that the merry-go-round keeps going round and round.

Your son is very, very young. He is impulsive and he is headstrong. He does not think further than his nose. He seems like he's self-indulgent and a drama queen. On the other hand, he is a very, very lucky young man, for how capable he is, how much people want to help him, and how he lands on his feet.

I will tell you what I think. He's playing with real fire, with the pills, cocaine, and alcohol. I think you're right. All of these opportunities and skills and qualities count for not much if he's an addict, and so very immature.

As far as losing the family who's helping him, due to his bad behavior. Of course, he's going to ruin it, if he keeps on this way. Who in their right mind would take such a chance repeatedly with somebody as erratic as your son. They would have to be nuts, or maybe, you don't know everything about them, and they have problems too.

It sounds like the move an hour away is just the right thing for both you and for your son. He needs distance from you. He needs the consequences of his actions. He needs to be away from the family. That's what I think. Whatever happened to the gang ties? You're not afraid anymore that the gang is after him?

To me, the main events in your son's life are the drugs, the crazy, erratic, self-destructive behavior, and his involvement with gangs, and weapons. If he keeps this up it's a matter of time until he's incarcerated again, which wouldn't be the worst thing. He would be safer in jail, with a chance to get clean.

As talented and capable as he is, he will always have opportunities, but right now he has real problems, that won't go away unless he dedicates himself to change. And it sounds like he's not interested.

I am glad you posted an update helpless. It's good to hear from you. Please try not to worry so much. There is not one thing that I can think of, that you can d.

I think he cleared things up with the gang , not sure if he paid them off for the lost gun or not but I think he straightened things out , as far as I know he no longer hangs out with them or has any ties with them since he moved in with his friends family. This does give me some peace of mind . As far as the family letting him stay there , I know they are a good family, an old friend who is a nurse worked with the mom at one of the local hospitals . The mom talked to my friend about helping this kid who is trying to change his life around when she said his name my friend realized it was my son & contacted me. She did give me some insight about the family & reassured me he is in good hands but that the family also has set boundaries for him so I guess the ball is in his court to make things work out.

 

[RN0441]

Helpless
They try to make us think they are doing well even when they aren't. It's kind of crazy really because we know things are still messed up. Until he stops the drug use he will not get better. Naturally we WANT to see that. Again, he is still very young and agree they don't think that their actions are harming anyone including themselves. They probably don't even think about it much at all. They are very self centered at this age and to be honest, I think guys in their entire 20's are also. We have 3 sons and I can say that for a fact for our family anyway.

You have no choice but to let him do what he's going to do. Nothing you do can control his actions. Stay strong and maintain firm boundaries. It will help him and you if you do this. My son begged to come home after 8 months in his 13 month program. I was adamant not to let him until he completed it and then I was even skeptical. Our story is one of many but my strength helped him to stay on track. If I had let him come home when he originally wanted to, I know it would not have ended well. Even after the 13 months we had a few issues but he was able to quickly redirect because of his training.

Glad you are moving also. You need to live your life. He will do as he will do.

Take car and thanks for the update.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Helpless

I know how the worry is. I know how it feels, the powerlessness. I don't know what's worse with my son. When he's gone and homeless, and I don't know where or how he is, or when he's back and I am dealing with the helplessness, anger, and frustration. They're each of them, a level of Hell.

At least, for you, with the younger children, letting him come back is out of the question. There is a kind of clarity with that. You really have not one arrow in your quiver. With respect to doing for him, you are, indeed helpless.

But you are not helpless for you. You can make a program for yourself, to divert your thoughts, give yourself all kinds of good things in your life, focus on all of the blessings you have, and cultivate gratitude. You see, for mothers like us, these kids become the only thing we see in life, in our lives. We get tunnel vision and define ourselves in terms of them.

All of us have to fight this. This is my biggest rock to carry, besides the fear.

I am always so glad when you come back to us, helpless. You are doing so very well.