Waiting for the rain to start....

[mom_in_training]

Good for you Mikey :bravo: Your taking your house back.... I told my difficult child the same thing, Let your Homies take care of you. That is what she called them. Druggys, Homies, all the same to me. Good for you Dad!!!!!

 

[Ephchap]

Mikey,

I apologize for not responding to many of your posts lately. I've been knee deep in family chaos.

Congrats on getting thicker skinned, and in realizing that your son is doing everything he can to get away with whatever he can.

I do agree that we all have to do what works for us and what we can live with, but I am a bit amazed that you know he's out drugging, getting stoned, but your line in the sand seems to be his curfew. Talk of prom and helping pay for it, knowing he's out there drugging is something I couldn't/wouldn't tolerate - but again, you need to do what you feel you and your wife can life with.

Drugs was my line in the sand. No living in my house while drugging - and no, that did not necessarily mean my son was bringing the drugs home or getting high in my house - but I would not allow him to live there - and we did basically "force" inpatient Residential Treatment Center (RTC) treament twice, once at age 14 and the next time just after his 17th birthday. It was just something I was not going to live with.

I hope your son turns things around before he does reach adult status. Again, I applaud that you and your wife are on the same page now and that you are working the Do to Get theory, but I still question the knowing he's out getting stoned, and you're still pondering helping him pay for prom. Again, it's all about what you are willing to tolerate.

Hang in there.

Deb

 

[Mikey]

Hi Deb. Thanks for the reply, and I hope your recent chaos has calmed down a bit.

I have more info since the last time I posted to this thread. difficult child UA tests came back. As expected, positive for THC, negative for everything else. Random, unexpected check, so I doubt he had time to "prepare" for it. THC levels were low, just above threshold for a positive reading. So, I guess the good thing from that is he hasn't replaced his pot "smoking" with anything other than another way to get THC into his system.

Didn't get the exact numbers, but doctor says the level wasn't that "high" (sorry for the pun, but I couldn't resist :grin: )

On another note, both wife and I (and my son) are starting to realize some things. He's had mono for the last week, and been stuck in the house. How many of his stoner friends came to see him? Zero. How many came to see him when he nearly died from asthma? 2, and only for a couple of minutes. When he's not actively seeking out their company, they don't seem to miss him a bit. And frankly, he doesn't seem to miss them much, either.

So, he's been pot-free for nearly two weeks, and while he's been more pleasant to be around, he hasn't gone off the deep end from pot withdrawal.

All this seems to reinforce his therapist's belief that drugs aren't the issue, only a symptom. wife, therapist and I think that difficult child actively seeks out that group and culture as a place to hide, not because he's a druggie. His tests never bear out his boasts as a "major pothead", he doesn't really miss his friends when he can't see them (and they don't seem to miss him, either), and both his behaviour and schoolwork have improved dramatically with a change in schools (still acting out, not as much). We're thinking that the change in schools put him in a position to succeed, so stress went down and need to "escape" went down as well.

So, wife and I are very hesitant to approach difficult child problems from the standpoint of "drugs first". In all honesty, I'm starting to think that difficult child originally sought that crowd out because of our frequent moves earlier in his life. That group doesn't ask anything of you, nor does anyone else ask (or expect) anything from a bunch of potheads.

It's a quiet, dark cave where he can hide from the world; nobody expects anything from him, he doesn't have to form any attachments (which can lead to pain), and he doesn't have to accomplish anything. Instant companionship without attachment.

Now, that's not to say that he doesn't like pot. I like booze - still do. But I've been sober for many, many years, by my own choice. He likes pot, but not in the same way as the crowd he hangs with: they live for pot, they do everything they can to ensure the availabiliity of next joint/bowl, and they have no ambition or desire to be anything but what they are.

difficult child is different - he has goals, he has desires, he does NOT live for pot (even though he enjoys it), and while he has lost many of his hobbies and other interests, he has yet to degenerate into the typical pothead basement-dwelling couch potato. In fact, while the rest of his friends are continuing to sink, he's started to float upwards a bit (or at least not sink any lower).

Okay, that's a long, long way to say that pot is a problem, but not the problem we're working with him on. Our current thought is that if we can keep his usage from getting worse (and the docs are doing a good job scaring him into that), we can work on the other issues that make him seek out that group and lifestyle.

He's shown he's capable of change. He's made a decent start. We're going to try and encourage and support him as long as he makes progress. BUT - if he starts to slide again, or if he starts becoming more defiant and acting out more, then it'll be time to bring out the big guns. Until then, Xanax is my friend, and I'll try to be patient and see if he continues to make progress at his own pace (rather than force the issue - and deal with the conflict I KNOW will follow).

Okay, time to tell me how deluded I am...

Thanks,

Mikey

 

[Ephchap]

LOL, Mikey, I don't know that deluded is the term I was going to use. What I was going to mention is that "most", and obviously that isn't "all" kids to turn to drugs as a way of self-medicating. Getting to the root cause is the best way to help stop the addiction. That being said, drugging is still drugging.

My son self-medicated as well. Pot wasn't the main issue, but he was smoking pot, which is drugging. He had been diagnosed with ADHD at about age 7, then Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) (obsessive compulsive disorder) at age 13. Add some depression in there (which in my humble opinion, stemmed from the pot smoking), and there was trouble. If he was getting high all the time, he couldn't get up to go to school, his moods were all over the place. He wasn't very pleasant to live with.

This is why I always suggested dual-diagnostic treatment facilities to people. Just dealing with the addiction usually isn't enough. You need to deal with the underlying cause and the substance abuse separately, and ultimately, together.

As I said, we all do what we can live with. I just wouldn't accept drugging. That was a huge issue for me - perhaps because I'd watched my mom enable my older alcoholic brother for so many years. I knew that I was not willing to live like that, and therefore, would not tolerate my son doing what he was doing. If I couldn't stop my son from going out and getting high while living in my home, then we made other arrangements - the two Residential Treatment Center (RTC) stays. He wasn't really given a choice in the matter.

Many of our kids on here had/have goals also. My son, like many on here, has a gifted IQ. That doesn't mean squat in the real world if you're going to go out and drug and break the law. He never finished high school because of all the absences and because of changing schools 3 times in an effort to make things better. He lost too many credits. He did go for his GED a year after he should have graduated, which is the earliest you can take it here in Michigan (I think they don't want kids to leave high school and taking the GED instead, so they make them wait). He was also a vey gifted hockey player, but threw that all away too. Now when he sees some of his old teammates playing in the NHL, he shakes his head and realizes what he threw away. Goals and dreams came and went because of drugs.

Trust me, I'm certainly not passing any judgements. As I've repeated over and over, every person is different, and every scenario is different. We all do what we feel is best for our situation. I am also pulling for your son to turn things around and fully support your efforts.

Deb

 

[jbrain]

Hi,
Mikey, I think I agree with you on this. Sounds like your son isn't really a "pothead" so to speak. My oldest (son) lives at our house but works about 50 or more hrs per week and basically takes care of himself (I don't do his laundry, he eats leftovers or makes his own food, buys much of his own food, etc.) and I'm pretty sure he smokes pot (mostly because difficult child 1 has told me he does). I don't really care as long as he is working, functioning, not doing it at my house, and I really wouldn't know he is doing it except for difficult child 1 always giving me info I'd rather remain ignorant about! Of course he is 22 yrs old so I am not responsible for him but I see the difference between him and difficult child 1 when she was living for drugs and couldn't go to school, was living on the streets, etc. There is a huge difference between the two. Also, I was a pretty regular pot smoker myself for several years--I think I was lazier because of it but still was a responsible person. I wasn't living to get high, it was a recreational thing.

Okay, fire your guns everyone!

Jane

 

[KFld]

Glad his thc levels were low and nothing else showed up. Sounds like he's making some effort to move forward and hopefully he will realize how many of his friends haven't missed him and he will continue to move foward.

 

[mom_in_training]

"In fact, while the rest of his friends are continuing to sink, he's started to float upwards a bit (or at least not sink any lower)."

And what do you wanna bet that the parents of those kiddos are doing nothing to pull their kids back in the hopes that they will travel down a different path.(A good path).

Wow, I have to say Mikey your difficult child certainly puts you through hoops.... Wow, Mono? Geeze, What next. I'm glad to hear that his thc levels were low and it would be even better if in a few weeks that he has none in his system at all. I know your pulling good (Low levels) out of the bad (Illegal drug use) knowing that it could be worse and I think that its awesome that he is showing improvement along with no evidence of any other drugs in his system. Hopefully this trend will lead him to becoming totally drug free. It is true about the friends, They could care less. They tend to only stay in tune to the buddys that are participating along with them otherwise they just forget about ya.

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: mom_in_training</div><div class="ubbcode-body">"...And what do you wanna bet that the parents of those kiddos are doing nothing to pull their kids back in the hopes that they will travel down a different path.(A good path)...</div></div>

Hmmm... Let's see:

Friend #1 (F1): Parents were crackheads, dad probably still smokes pot. F1 broke his wrist skateboarding - I bandaged it up and told him to get to the hospital. Went to his house the next day, Dad said "well, it didn't seem to be bothering him, so I didn't take him. He's out boarding now, so I guess it's okay..." F1 has broken several bones, never been to a doctor, parent's don't care. Probably never notices the pain because he's stoned day and night.

Friend #2 (F2): Dropout, works, but stays stoned all the time. Comes and goes when he wants (he's 17), comes in drunk and nobody cares. Stays out all night and nobody cares.

Friend #3 (F3): Dad is still toking; F3 lived in basement, and got a joint thrown down the stairs to her by dear old dad whenever she flicked the stairway lights. Was the local pothead hangout until F3 moved somewhere else (probably because her dad heard that the cops were going to be called for letting kids smoke and cook hash oil in his house).

Friend #4 (F4): Divorced parents, goes to same alternative school. Parents don't care what she does. Her house was the local pothead hangout (in the parking lot, anyway) until F3 came along. Nice girl, major league pothead, got sent to alt ed school as "last chance" because of drug and other problems.

Friend #5 (F5) Especially sad. Mom got preggers at 16 to spite her parents, married a rich local man (lots of those in this county). Kid is spoiled rotten, money to burn, parents financed his Mustang Cobra for him, lets him come in late at night with no questions asked. Often lets his friends hang out overnight to dry out or come down. Is a drunk himself. Funny enough, F5's mom built a new million-dollar house out in "the country" to get F5 out of their neighborhood - it seems that there were several parents nearby who put on booze parties for their teens, and she didn't want her son influenced by "those people".

Former Friend #6 (F6): Tourette's, other disorders, severe ADD. Stays stoned day and night, parents let him toke up because he's easier to manage stoned than sober. His dad once rolled him "the best joint he ever smoked". No longer a friend because he didn't invite my son over one night when he was toking up with someone else - lied and said he was grounded (sheesh - can you imagine someone getting angry because you lied to them about when you were smoking a joint?)

Friend #7 (F7): On house arrest for posession of pot and drug paraphanalia. All three sons smoke cigs in/around the house, and cause their parents lots of grief. My difficult child son is F7's current chauffeur to/from the few places allowed by house arrest. Unfortunately, F7's sister is my easy child daughter's best friend.

Need I go on? I could, but it's too depressing. The only thing they all have in common, though, is that the parents are either too defeated, too busy, too sympathetic towards drugs, too ovewhelmed, or simply too damned ignorant to care.

And how, oh how, did my kid ever wander into this swamp? Granted, it was partly because I wasn't looking, but how did he ever end up with such a wonderful group of "friends"? With friends like that, it's a wonder he can make any progress at all.

Pardon me while I go barf and eat some more Xanax...

:faint:

Mikey

 

[KFld]

The key is staying away from those type of friends, but at his age it is so hard. I remember being a teenager and if my parents ever said, you can't hang around with x,y and z anymore, I would have said, YEAH RIGHT!!! I remember trying that with my difficult child when I felt a few of his friends were bad influences, and all it did was cause him to lie about where he was going.

Hopefully your son will find some different, more positive friends, because as long as he's hanging with the same ones, it will be very difficult for him to not participate in whatever they are doing.

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">The key is staying away from those type of friends, but at his age it is so hard. I remember being a teenager and if my parents ever said, you can't hang around with x,y and z anymore, I would have said, YEAH RIGHT!!! I remember trying that with my difficult child when I felt a few of his friends were bad influences, and all it did was cause him to lie about where he was going.

Hopefully your son will find some different, more positive friends, because as long as he's hanging with the same ones, it will be very difficult for him to not participate in whatever they are doing. </div></div>

That's been my experience. He blatantly admitted that he'd spend "hours" dreaming up elaborate schemes to hang out with these people in ways that we wouldn't suspect. Finally came clean when he got busted a few times for these lies. Stopped lying when I told him I'd prefer that he defiantly tell me what he's doing and run off rather than lie, in which case we have NO idea who he's with or where he is.

So far, I've gotten pretty much exactly what I've asked for...
:hammer:
But knowing what he's doing, and who he's with is better (for me) than not knowing - even if I don't like it or agree with it. And it works both ways. Beforehand, he would concoct these lies and become indignant if we didn't believe him (or followed up on him, which is how he got busted). Now, if he chooses to act out against our wishes, we also have the license to be nosy, aggravating, stalking parents, and he doesn't have a leg to stand on and complain. He can't have it both ways, and found that out a few weeks ago (I see that now, with the help of the good folks here on CD).

So no, I can't pick his friends, nor can I keep him from hanging with them unless I'm willing to have him locked up or kick him out of the house. Unless I'm missing something, the only thing I can do is continue to patiently work with him and his therapist to help him see his life for what it truly is. Then, he'll either see the need for change, or he won't. I agree that forcing the issue will only make the matter worse.

Don't know what the "final" answer is, but this is the only one we have at the moment that's shown any hope of success. Until something better comes along, or things get worse....

Mikey

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">...Hopefully your son will find some different, more positive friends, because as long as he's hanging with the same ones, it will be very difficult for him to not participate in whatever they are doing. </div></div>

PS: this is truly the bigger issue, and I don't see it getting better any time soon.

His therapist and I discussed this as his core problem, which was described as a "monkey trap". I'll probably start a new thread on this term/idea, since it's very interesting and I'd like to hear what the other folks here on CD think of it (and how they dealt with it, if it applied to their difficult child's).

Mikey

 

[Ephchap]

Mikey,

When we "forced" the issue (forcing inpatient treatment since we would not allow him in our home if he was drugging), he lost all contact with his drugging friends. By the time he came home 10 months later, they had all moved on (not away, just moved onto other places, people, drugs, whatever).

You can't force your son to make new friends, but I still argue that you can force the issue of no drugs while living in the home, or force the inpatient. He then has no choice - homeless or residential treatment.

We'll just have to agree to disagree. The difference is, I've been where you are and have come out the other side.

Deb

 

[DDD]

:rofl: Good Grief! That would have been some support group
that you thought about forming! DDD

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Ephchap</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Mikey,

When we "forced" the issue (forcing inpatient treatment since we would not allow him in our home if he was drugging), he lost all contact with his drugging friends. By the time he came home 10 months later, they had all moved on (not away, just moved onto other places, people, drugs, whatever).

You can't force your son to make new friends, but I still argue that you can force the issue of no drugs while living in the home, or force the inpatient. He then has no choice - homeless or residential treatment.

We'll just have to agree to disagree. The difference is, I've been where you are and have come out the other side.

Deb </div></div>

Thanks Deb. We don't disagree - inpatient is still an option if he starts to go south again. Right now, though, his doctor, wife and I want to see if we can ween him away from that lifestyle in a way that he's willing to participate in. Better chance for long-term success if he actively engages (even if it takes a bit longer, and is a bit more painful for us). If he doesn't participate, fails to continue making progress (or starts to slip), then the big guns are still there - we have a little time yet for that.

Also, I watched a podcast last night from the HBO series "Addiction". It was an interview with a Dr. Volklow (sp?), who's head of the federal drug policy task force (I think). Her perspective on teen addiction and treatment was pretty clear: parents who get fed up and force their kids out of the house may actually be putting their kids in more danger (her opinion - not endorsing it nor am I questioning other parent's decisions in this matter).

She also went on to say that the notion that inpatient treatment will only work if the addict "wants" to recover has been disproven (with some caveats). Involuntary "committment" to a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) does work, as long as (a) it's long enough (at least 90 days), (b) has a strong follow-up outpatient program, and (c) the underlying environment (i.e. the family) is also treated, since many of the underlying reasons teens start using is because of family problems - don't fix the family, then the teen will relapse if he/she goes right back into the same situation.

With all that said, if things got bad I wouldn't ever give my son the option to move out or go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). At that point, I'd simply send him against his will. I'm not disparaging anyone elses choices with their kids. All I'm saying is that forcing him to either go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or move out isn't an option for us, right now.

So, I'm not disagreeing with you - we're just not at that point yet, and we're still not convinced that the pot is the major issue. However, if it gets any worse, i.e. bad to the point that it's interfering with his "recovery" in the other areas where he truly needs help, then involuntary Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is definitely in the cards.

I do appreciate your thoughts and comments, and would like thank you for the time you take to post them here. And thanks so much for your insight. It really does help, even if I am intractible.

:smile:

Mikey

 

[Mikey]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: DDD</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> :rofl: Good Grief! That would have been some support group
that you thought about forming! DDD </div></div>

Yes, but I also look at that group of parents and feel sad that they've given up (for whatever reason). When I found CD, I found hope and support. My wacky notions get challenged, and I'm forced to really evaluate what I think and believe by others who have stood where I now stand.

They don't have that. They may not even know that kind of help is out there for them. And while I may have been a bit nasty describing the "friends", they're all really nice kids, and deserve a better shot at life than what their parents are giving them.

That's why I was thinking about that group. But I also agree now that it probably wouldn't work. Doesn't make me feel any better, though, knowing that their kids are getting no help - but then again, it's all I can do to keep up with my own difficult child.

Still wish there was something I could do to help, though.

:nonono:

Mikey

 

[Terryforvols]

Mikey--

I have never responded to your posts before, and have tried to read several of them to get a feel for your situation, but I just have to chime in here. Our difficult child became involved with drugs (pain pills) at age 16; she started initially legitimately, wisdom teeth medication, etc., but then she discovered that high feeling took away her emotional pain. She nearly died of an overdose (not intentional, just took the wrong "mix" of pills) at 16. We tried to get her inpatient help, but were told at that time that she was "not bad enough" ???!!! We were so stunned, our daughter, etc., etc. Unfortunately, we tried various things, including your ways and anything we could think of, and finally, at 20 years old, we forced her into Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or she could no longer be a part of our "physical" family, although we would always love her and care for her. It was the most painful, yet freeing, decision we ever made and it changed her life. I just wish we had done it in her teens. She was a dual-diagnosis case. She was not treated as a drug user first, emotional issues next, but both were treated at the same time with the same intensity and it was the charm. You may think his pot use is not the major issue, and maybe it's not, but being willing to put up with it, in my humble opinion, sends the wrong message. What IF he goes to prom, gets stoned, drives, then disaster happens, he is killed, someone else is killed, etc. He may be keeping his curfew, but he is still on drugs! Some of the worst drug/alcohol use is at prom. I know that we were not hard enough on her, we tried to "love" her issues away and it just doesn't work. Believe me, after been there done that, it will not get easier when he turns 18, the pain of having to confront him at some point if his drug use continues will be just as painful. Kicking out your child is kicking out your child, no matter what age, it rips your heart out. If I only had that time back, we would have been such hard***** on her. Yes, there were things we could not control such as what she did once she got to school, when she was with friends, but we could have taken her car, made it very difficult for her to get around, etc. Unfortunately, we felt like we could control it and make it all better, but we couldn't.

Hope you don't think I'm judging you, but after living it for 4-5 years, knowing that he had been smoking pot, but was home at curfew would still be very unacceptable. I absolutely understand you and wife being on different pages for awhile, we lived that, too. That really plays into their hands, so congrats on getting back on the same page!! Good luck on whatever path you choose, my prayers are with you and I'll be following your story.

 

[Mikey]

Thanks Terryforvols. What more can I add to what you said?

In the short term, I don't think there will be any SA issues, and prom's only a few days away. He's still getting over mono, and the docs seem to be the only ones who can scare him into avoiding certain self-destructive behaviors. Longer term, I guess we'll see how it plays out.

I will say, though, that his therapist has already said that if difficult child starts any backwards slide with SA, then we schedule an intervention with his doctor, his girlfriend (if she's willing), and anyone else we can find who truly cares about him - all with the intent of getting him to go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

As an aside, I saw an episode of "Intervention" on A&E a few months ago. The interventionist, just before the addict was brought in, told the group "All we want to hear is that he'll go to Residential Treatment Center (RTC). We don't care why. Once we hear that, we're done - out the door, on the way to the plane that will bring him to the center. We just want him to agree - nothing more".

That's kind of how I feel. If it comes to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (and it may), my hope is that he can be convinced to go willingly. If he doesn't go willingly, then I guess he'll either go unwillingly or will run away.

But to quote "W", that's the "nucular" option that we don't want to use unless we absolutely have to.

It's a line that - once crossed - completely changes the dynamic of our family, our relationship, and how he views both us and his world. If we go down that path, he will cease to see us as family and lump us in with the rest of the zombies that don't live in his world. There will be no more trust, only combat, defiance, and antagonism, and we'll be in less of a position to help him than we are now (he'll be 18 in 6 months).

If that happens, maybe his perspective will change later, but in the beginning it will be hell for everyone - so we keep involuntary Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and other "extreme" measures as a last resort.

Again, we're just not there yet, but are keeping a close eye on the situation (along with random UA's), and are ready to do what's necessary when the time comes.

Thanks,

Mikey

 

[jbrain]

Hi All,
we sent our dtr (difficult child 1) to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) just before she turned 16--nothing was working at home. She was skipping school nearly every day, drinking alcohol on and off school grounds, doing other drugs, not coming home, etc.--just totally out of control. She was diagnosed with ADHD and depression, Borderline (BPD) traits. She was at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for nearly 9 months, did very well there with the structure and therapy, etc. She came home because we could not afford to send her on to a therapeutic boarding school. We did send her to a very small private school in our community rather than back to the big high school she had been in. She gradually went back to her old ways and after about 4 months she was worse than ever.

After spending the summer (by now she was 17) on a PINS and violating every part of it she finally was arrested and court ordered to a dual diagnosis facility (we insisted on dual diagnosis). Oh, this was after she spent 3 weeks at a shortterm rehab and 1 month at a sort of group home (she said she was suicidal and they wouldn't keep her there). She also had been in respite foster care after she finished the shortterm rehab because we knew we couldn't keep her safe at home, she would be right back on the streets.

Okay, so she spent 4 months at the court ordered rehab and did very well there. She got her GED and was their star student. As soon as she got the GED though she decided she had had enough of rehabs and therapy and just quit cooperating. They made us come get her because she was disrupting the whole place. Of course this was a violation of her probation but we had to go get her. She convinced us she was ready to get a job, go to college, etc. and we let her come home. She did none of those things but she did leave our house shortly before she turned 18 (was home about 2 months) and I guess that was the turning point for her.

What this very long, drawn-out story is getting to is that we forced her to get help many times and I think it ultimately did help her but not until she wanted to change herself. She seemed to really "get it" while she was at her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and in the various rehabs--she was always so cooperative and could really talk the talk--she had everyone convinced, including the therapists who had seen it all. I don't know the extent of her drug and alcohol use at this time except that I know she smokes pot. I don't think she does any heavier drugs and according to her she used to do them all. She says she doesn't like alcohol all that well. She is not depressed and doesn't display so many Borderline (BPD) traits anymore. I don't think she actually has ADHD. She can work and take care of herself and is very pleasant to our family now. Who knows what would have happened without all our intervention before she left home. Maybe she would be in the same place, maybe not. The only thing I know for sure is that she would never do anything we wanted her to do--very ODD. Now that we no longer "control" her she is deciding to make better decisions about her life--but they are her decisions and not ours.

For what it's worth, sorry for the rambling!

Jane

 

[Terryforvols]

Mikey--

I absolutely love "Intervention" (my husband hates it -- too close to home for him). I agree totally, whatever gets them to say yes, go, go, go. Our difficult child admitted that she went to the 9 month Residential Treatment Center (RTC) planning on "playing the system" and biding her time, but apparently the light went on in her head and heart, and she decided to start changing her ways. Another thing we discovered is that the 30-day rehab didn't work, not long enough to really make changes. The "Addiction" series on HBO brought that out, too, I believe. Anyway, what works for one of us may not fit someone else, we just need to support each other because "normal" families a lot of times just don't understand our issues and think we are "bad" parents who just don't do enough or care enough for our kids, when the opposite is so true. I wish you the best of luck in your situation. You sound like a very loving family who wants nothing but the best for your son/brother. My heart is with you!

 

[Ephchap]

Jane, you are absolutely right. Dual-diagnostic facilities are the best, as usually if they are using drugs, there is an underlying diagnosis or situation they are escaping from.

I also agree that forcing treatment only works if/when the difficult child wants things to change. The old, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" comes to mind. But like you, we forced our son into treatment (which he agreed to the second time, at age 17, for 10 months).

Mikey, I probably didn't make myself clear when I said - Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or you're out of the house. I would not have, nor would I have legally been able to, throw my son out of the house. For us, it worked as a tactic. By then, unfortunately, my son also had the police arrest, and at 17, was facing adult charges.

I think you're right to see how things go and to give your son a chance to improve his ways. I would never suggest sending anyone to a dual-diagnostic long-term (meaning at least 6 months or longer) if it weren't the last recourse. As I mentioned, for us, it was. We were very fortunate in that the residential had a wonderful system and therapist in place.

Again, hang in there. This road is not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

Deb