Wanted: experienced folks for touchy problem

[DammitJanet]

Maybe you guys are right and my world is colored by MY world. We do all see things through our own filters. I am an only child and it would never occur to me to leave anyone out that I could convince to attend something. My mother refused to attend my graduation and my own small wedding which granted was at a justice of the peace at the county courthouse but it would have been nice to have her there. My dad and stepmom did attend my graduation though.

My mom had promised to watch my kids so my dad could take me and tony out to dinner after graduation...but no...she reneged. Tony had to stay home with the kids so I could go with my Dad. Pitiful.

I also cant imagine my boys not inviting each other because even though we have had all these problems, they are so incredibly close as adults. I thought they would hate each other when they were growing up but instead I have been thrilled with how close they are. They all talk at least 4 or 5 times a week and if something happens to one of them, they are on the phone immediately to each other. We have all grown closer as they got to be adults. That makes me so happy. It has really given me the family I didnt have as a kid. I must not have done as badly as I thought I did as a parent. The people Jamie wants most with him when the babies are born are his brothers...well other than Billie...lol.

 

[witzend]

Some seem to misunderstand what I have said. I did not say:

Tell him it's ok to not invite her.

I did say:

Let him decide.

But, if you are serving the alcohol at an open bar, and difficult child has started to drink and act out as Nomad says, I would understand someone other than the bride or groom, or a family group telling her not to come, for sure. That would just plain be ugly.

by the way, with my dad and my sister W who was not allowed to be in the wedding? It was because she smoked and had attended a co-ed high school graduation overnight party against his wishes two years earlier. There were dad issues there, but dad paid the wedding.

 

[Fran]

I got it Witz.

 

[Nomad]

I understood too.
It really is son's decision.
He is aware of our thoughts....and perhaps that is influential and perhaps it isn't fair.
We are confused on this.
In the end, the two of them will make all the decisions on it all.
They will make the final decisions.
We are seeing them in about 10 days to discuss this and other things...
I can tell you that SHE (the BRIDE) wants difficult child there....and of course SHE has a major say in all of this.
It is a slight variation on words "it's okay not to invite her" vs
"the final decision on this and all wedding related decisions are yours."
This is a touchy subject...we want her there too, but don't want drama/trauma and don't want our son hurt.
At the moment, I think he is very open to having her there, esp. since the bride to be wants her there, but both of them want esacpe routes. We haven't spoken to them yet about giving difficult child a job to do yet...but will soon. We also havent' told them about the drinking incident. I know in my heart that more than one of those...and we would all be in agreement...difficult child would be uninvited. Hopefully, there wont be a repeat performance, we can give her a job to do and have escape routes in case of emergency. I fully do not like all the work involved to help difficult child live a somewhat normal life.

 

[witzend]

Big hugs...

 

[Star*]

See why son didn't want difficult child at the wedding? It's not even happened and ALREADY she's the topic. It's HIS day. It's his WIFE to be's day. Not "Oh we should figure out what to do with sissy and oh yes.....did my son get married? Where is sissy? Can anyone find sissy? We're going to take pictures where is sissy? Someone find sissy - We're cutting the cake? WHere is sissy?"

While I think from a family point of view that everyone SHOULD be included in something like a wedding. I have to agree with Witz - it's HIS wedding. The consequences of his decision ALSO should belong to him.

Maybe by the time your difficult child daughter is ready to marry - she'll invite her brother and show him how family takes care of family - despite his decision to leave her out of his wedding.

I will forever regret NOT making my sister my maid of honor - I don't even talk to the girl that I picked -for like 18 years .......but it did weigh very heavy on my heart and apparently still does that we had unresolved issues - and now every time I think about that? I get reminded of how I feel I did her wrong. ME - gets reminded.....not my Mom, Not my sister. ME.

That's what Witz is trying to tell your son......it's on him.

ANd it should be. It's HIS wedding.

 

[ML]

And even more hugs. I think everything that needed to be said, was. Let them decide and accept your powerlessness. I *hate* that it seems to always come down to acceptance. Love and hugs, ML

 

[svengandhi]

I agree that it is his decision along with his future wife's.

I am married almost 20 years and have yet to feel a moment's regret that my sister and my sister-in-law were not in my wedding party. I did not want either of them to attend me although I did agree to have them attend as guests. Both did and both were an embarrassment. My husband agreed to abide by my decision as to his sister and told his mother that since he and I were paying for the wedding, she had to abide by my decision.

My parents tried to guilt me into having my sister as my matron of honor (even though she was divorced at the time). I told them the same thing H told his mom - we are paying and it's our choice.

I would rather elope and have no wedding than feel compelled to have people attend me that I do not want attending me.

This is just MY opinion.

 

[Nomad]

sven..
You make excellent points.
In our case, both our son and his fiance graduated with honors. Both had scholarship money. Us parents paid little.
In our case, our son worked and paid for many of his expenses.
The two of them are paying for a few things at the wedding and have made many consessions to help keep the costs down.
They have never complained once about it.
They are not paying for the wedding, but they have worked profoundly hard in the last several years, have been helpful to their respective families, have been very understanding about keeping the costs low and have contributed some of their own money to the wedding (including the fact that the bride paid for 1/2 of her wedding gown).
Knowing what I know about past heartache, it would be VERY bothersome for me if difficult child caused problems.
This is troubling for me...we are doing the best we can under EXTREMELY difficult circumstances.
There are moments that I find myself REALLY torn.
We have a very tiny family...we brought these kids up on our own.
My mom died young, etc etc etc.
We have all the ususal emotions associated with a wedding and this on top.
It is a heavy burden not to be able to go a wedding with- peace in your soul...

Fran...
The other difficult child is not coming.


It seems to be a no win situation, really. husband says just have her come in briefly and leave quickly. It is the safest way. When I see my son in a few days, we'll discuss it further. Good thoughts/prayers appreciated.

 

[witzend]

Maybe you could slip difficult child a xanax before the ceremony and hope for the best?

Sorry, I had to tease because I know this is a really ugly situation for what is supposed to be a beautiful day. I hope it will come out well. You never do know what is going to happen in advance...

 

[Abbey]

In the end, this might affect the wedding. That will be HER problem. My guess is she'll be sad on the inside.

Fast forward several years. My older sister used to torment me. She literally drew a line down the middle of our shared room and HOW DARE YOU CROSS THAT LINE!!!

She used to constantly hit me over the head with a Fuller Brush and they are heavy. She'd lock me in a dark bathroom when my mom worked. That's just the tip of the iceburg. BUT...we became very good friends about 5 years later. She is 5 years older than me so it was easy to intimate a 6 year old.

Sometimes they just need to grow up and look back on how stupid they acted.

(I forgot the worst one...she'd sit on my face and fart. Nice...)

Abbey

 

[Fran]

I like the xanax idea but I would probably need it more than my difficult child. LOL. A sense of humor helps get through intense situations. As well as a drink or two with the xanax.

 

[recovering doormat]

So sorry for your poor torn mom's heart. this is a tough one to try to think your way through. I think everyone on this forum has had some kind of emotional hurt because sometimes our kids are excluded from polite society. It takes a lot of energy to rise above our own hurt feelings to accept that others have the right to decide whom they want to let into their homes or into their special occasions, and that difficult child's sometimes have to accept the consequences of their behavior, even if they are struggling with it, and we are trying not to assign blame.

I hope things settle out in one way or another fast, for your poor frazzled nerves. I will be whispering a prayer for you tonight.

 

[rejectedmom]

I'm guessing that a shadow isn't something that will work for your difficult child? I realize that we mostly think of this as something for a younger difficult child. My cousin's wife had an autistic adult family member and they that used a shadow at her wedding. Just a though. -RM

 

[Nomad]

Thank you all very much.
difficult children psychiatrist does not prescribe xanax for difficult children.
However, we do have risperdal for emergencies. We have not given it to her recently.
Generally speaking, difficult child does not seem to have a tendency toward "deliquency" behavior. The drinking incident she mentioned the other day is actually somewhat debatable in my mind. My guess is that she had a drink or two. With her medications, she probably had a reaction. She doesn't seem to like drinking. She dumped the friend/roommate she was with pronto. This was her decision. She made it the next day. Her roommate friend had a party. Perhaps difficult child had social pressures. And is now in a garage apt. alone again.
difficult child now wants to be a police officer. This comes up from time to time. She was a police explorer in her youth. It was a positive experience for her. She doesn't "GET" the idea that she would never be allowed to carry a gun.
One of my good friends can't go to the wedding. She is sick and needs surgery. Another...her mom had cancer sugery today and her dad just had a stroke. She may still come...it is last minute. I have a very good friend who is coming, but she will only be there for the wedding....nothing before and nothing much afterward. Her husband is working out of the country. They are flying in for the wedding...as well as flying in their entire family!
This friend will lend support...as well as an old babysitter who is coming. So, I have some support for the wedding. Before and after...not so much.
Oh...one more thing...my dog is very sick and has to be crated and heavily medicated.
It's been weird...as I'm told is often the case with weddings. But out of town weddings are a little "extra" and difficult children...even more so.
I'm TIRED already! Thank you guys for listening. Your good thoughts and prayers are MUCH appreciated!!!!!! (insert happy face!!!) I'm sure everything will be okay...but you know the full story.