We are not bad parents

[Tanya M]

I think it was Leafy that said that we shouldn't try to write the end of our story. We have to keep faith that it will end well someday and we can look back on all of these years (many, many, years for some) as a "bad time" in our lives.

This is so very true and very good advice. None of us know how our adult children's stories will end and it's a waste of our precious energy trying to create a crystal ball that will offer no answers.
I have accepted the fact that my son's life is his own. It's not the life I wanted for him but it's the life he wants for himself. Where he will end up I do not know and I may never know as we do not communicate on any regular basis and I'm okay with that.

"why does a drug addict need straight teeth?".

My son started getting in trouble in his very early teen years. We wanted to get braces for him but one of our family counselors told us not to because his behavior was so unpredictable we didn't know if he would run away from home again or have to go to juvenile detention again. Looking back, the counselor was right. During those years my son was so out of control there was no way that we could have maintained an orthodontic schedule. About 8 years ago when my son was 26 he lashed out at me because we never got braces for him. His teeth are really not that bad. When I told him we didn't do it because of the suggestion from the counselor he lost it and then demanded that we pay for him to have braces because we owed it to him. I reminded him of all that we had done for him, paying his rent, buying him a car, paying off a student loan debt, etc....... I told him if he wanted to pay us back for all of that we would be happy to get him braces.

 

[TheWalrus]

Not sure how judgemental I was before, but at least I believed Hard work=Good outcome.

Because of my job, I have always known this is fallacy. I have seen many kids come from good homes with supportive, involved parents, kids who had the whole world right in front of them and all they had to do was go out and grab it - go to hell in a hand basket.

And I have seen many, many kids who parent themselves because their parents are strung out, in jail, coming in and out of their lives, you name it - rise above and become hugely successful and live happy, productive lives.

My ignorance? Like many of us who see tragedy and have that little "that wouldn't happen to me" voice, I listened. And when it did happen to me, my child, my family? It took my breath away.

I don't ever look at tragedy with that feeling of invincibility anymore. No one is immune or "safe" from pain.