We defined typical teen. Why not define traits of a difficult child?

[HaoZi]

Then maybe I don't belong on this forum.
Most of what you all have written doesn't apply to difficult child - not now, and only a tiny bit of it, at one major crisis point.
Some of it, I can relate to... from experience with GFGbro, when I was growing up... through the druggie years.

To me, the definition of a difficult child is simple:

"A difficult child is a child (or adult child) who does not or cannot respond to normal parenting and or teaching approaches."

K2 is mostly NT/easy child... rarely even close to typical teen. She responds well to the approaches that work for difficult child... but she also responds equally well to "normal" parenting. If we had two like K2... we wouldn't be on this board.

And that works, too. All our difficult children are different. Some can't do the schoolwork, some just won't do it, some rigidly apply themselves to doing it perfectly and aren't happy with anything under an A. Some are verbally abusive, some physically, some are passive aggressive, many are a combination of two or three depending on the situation. But all have issues that are individual to them and don't respond to others or the world as PCs do.

 

[BusynMember]

That's a good turn, ksm. What a difficult child is not.
1. Easy pleased
2. Empathetic and does well with people as well as same age peers
3. Sincerely remorseful and understands when does something wrong. Takes responsibility.
4. Can handle "no" with minimal fuss.
5. Can follow rules at home and at school. Doesn't mean they never try to get away with stuff, but they learn from their mistakes.
6. Not impulsive. Think before doing.
7. Lack of meltdowns
8. Gentle with other people, even when upset with somebody they do not hit or kick or act out on the person.
9. Enjoys activities and likes to be a part.
10. They listen to you when you give advice and may even listen to your advice, even if a teenager.11.
11. Chronic lying, stealing, trying to get out of stuff....just not a part of most PCs lives.
12. Have goals for the future (teens)
13. Try hard.

 

[Dixies_fire]

Angry over very little things

Over reacting

Needs constant supervision- will sometimes fake you out with good behavior, so that you think you can stop checking behind every single thing they do.

Pays lip service and then does what they were going to do anyway.

No empathy no empathy and did I say NO EMPATHY

No appreciation for what others do for them.
We even have conversations with tk went here and did this and got this and no one else has done any of those things but it's not enough.

Obsessive about interests.
The only kid I have ever seen who can take craft making into something they can get in trouble for.

Immature behavior, behaves as younger children do.

 

[Malika]

If I had to describe what GFGdom is NOT:

responsible for actions
empathetic towards others
organized and set goals
self control
appreciative
follows rules
repects authority
can have a disagreement without a meltdown
sees the best in others

KSM

This leaves me a little confused, I confess. Are we saying that difficult children do not ever display these qualities? Isn't it a bit less black and white than that? My own difficult child, highly difficult child at his peak, is also very empathetic, the first to be there with a helping hand or to notice if someone is upset or in need of comfort, often appreciative, follows rules and respects authority to a degree and is capable of having a disagreement without a meltdown at times (also more than capable of having a disagreement with a meltdown). Etc, etc.

I sometimes feel like I have a nice child who has difficult child moments. Sometimes quite a lot of them, yes. But, still, having lots of positive qualities too. Surely that is true of your difficult children too?

 

[Dixies_fire]

My difficult child has moments but they are not her organic behavior.

Empathy for her is a learned behavior, and we are making progress with that.

Appreciation , I've said elsewhere she is my first born so I don't know if all kids are this way or not. It's also a learned behavior for her.

She's a good girl sometimes that's why I have struggled with deciding to get her to a doctor or not.

 

[ksm]

This leaves me a little confused, I confess. Are we saying that difficult children do not ever display these qualities? But, still, having lots of positive qualities too. Surely that is true of your difficult children too?

Right now, I am not seeing positive behaviors. All difficult child's are different, and have different diagnosis. But right now, I am so depressed and overwhelmed that I would be hard pressed to come up with a positive trait. I am sorry. Maybe things will shift and I can see something positive. I guess the most positive thing right now is... IF she gets to do what she wants to do, she is tolerable. But, when I ask her to do laundry, homework, anything that isn't considered "fun" then I can't hardly stand to be around her. KSM

 

[BusynMember]

difficult children can be PCs for a time. They just can't maintain. If they could, we wouldn't have looked to find this board.

A difficult child is not a mean kid. Sometimes it is, but usually it is a kid with a good heart who, for because of reasons that vary, can not get along well in society. Some have a harder time than others do with this.

 

[IT1967]

((hugs)) KSM. My difficult child's are both wonderful children with many good traits. It's just that the bad can be so extreme, that sometimes the good gets overshadowed. Honestly, I see how hard my difficult child 1 struggles with-all of her emotions and feelings and I feel heartbroken thinking how stressed out she must often feel. It makes me so sad. I know she wants to be good and do the right thing, it's like it's out of her control when things go south.

 

[ksm]

((hugs)) KSM. My difficult child's are both wonderful children with many good traits. It's just that the bad can be so extreme, that sometimes the good gets overshadowed. Honestly, I see how hard my difficult child 1 struggles with-all of her emotions and feelings and I feel heartbroken thinking how stressed out she must often feel. It makes me so sad. I know she wants to be good and do the right thing, it's like it's out of her control when things go south.

It has just been a difficult few months. This is what I have dealt with in just the past few days.

1. tonight... watching a touching movie that was Christian based, and she kept making snide remarks when a little girl prayed for an injured friend.
2. took her 4 hours after she got home to get ready to go to the mall. THen when she was finally ready, was impatient when it took me 5 minutes to go to the restroom and then get my keys.
3. dressed in a low cut tank top with half her bra showing and her shorts (which were very short to begin with was split up 3 inches up the side. (And I don't buy this stuff for her... she does her own alterations with scissors)
4. yelled when I reminded her about finishing her assignment for school tomorrow
5. has been putting the nose stud back in when at school and sleeping... she pierced her nose with a needle a few weeks ago...after we said to wait til she is 18.
6. spent over $100 in birthday money for candy, monster drinks, sexy underwear, and more candy.
7. Has lost every electronic she ever had... over $500 worth
8. Is failing 3 out of 5 classes at school this trimester
9. Has been skipping and being tardy to algebra... and if she gets one more, will be dropped from the class and have ISS the rest of the year.
10. Actually says things like: "I don't know why you think high school is so important" and "teens just need to have fun".
11. And: I don't care if my friends drink or do drugs, they are still my friends. (and then wonders why I don't het her sleep over at their homes!)
12. And: I want to get back with my old boyfriend... I don't care if he is going downhill, I'd go downhill with him if I could!
13. She is embarassed to be seen with us... just wants us to take her places and give money. (right now, I am embarassed to be seen with her!)


I guess my positives are... she isn't pregnant. She is kind to animals. But she won't feed them, give fresh water, or clean the litter box.

I hope to God that I can get back some type of positive relationship... It has just been a tough year and I feel like I am failing miserably. Sometimes I feel like I have been ran over by a truck! Like, how could this happen... we had a great relationship when it was grandma/granddaughter... but now, I am just an authority figure that she can't stand. KSM

 

[ksm]

I am sorry for all my negativity. I think it is time for me to call the therapist again - just for my sake. I knew being a parent the second time around would be hard - but I never thought my precious granddaughter would turn in to a stranger that can't stand that I HAVE to parent her. I would have loved to have been able to still be "grandma" and not the person who has to enforce the rules, try to get homework done, see that she dresses in a manner so that no one mistakes her for a "working girl". I am sure she misses "grandma" too. But, I can't go back to just grandma. Plus, I think any one who tries to parent her would have the same problems I am having. She just can't follow rules. She doesn't learn from mistakes. She isn't responsible. So I have to keep parenting her and try to get her to keep her safe. KSM

 

[AnnieO]

Gaslighting

The longest honeymoon period EVER

Intimidation, especially of younger siblings

Bullying

Thinks violence is an acceptable solution to a problem

Justifies everything s/he does

Rx medication resistant but thinks marijuana, alcohol and/or illicit drug use is fine

All the other ones have been covered... These might've, too...

 

[BusynMember]

When they are younger, they refuse to accept "no" without saying "yes" or having a meltdown.

When they are teens, actually, the same thing and they don't listen.

When they are young adults, they often have trouble being told what to do at work and tend to walk off jobs and have trouble holding them. They break the law because they feel the law is a "stupid" law ("Pot should be legal so I'm smoking it anyways!") or they want it ("I stole it because YOU wouldn'tgive me the money and I needed it..") That "you made me do it" issue again.

I think I've run out of things!!!

 

[Malika]

Oh god. So is there no hope, then?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Malika - yes, there IS hope... but no guarantees.
1) the age you start at makes a big difference
2) what you are dealing with makes a big difference
3) knowing what you are dealing with, as early as possible, makes a big difference

I'm thankful I'm not dealing with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) or MI... I'll take my alphabet-soup of a difficult child any day. But there are days... when I wonder if we're going to make it. Thankfully, those days are fewer now.

 

[ksm]

I'm thankful I'm not dealing with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) or Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)/Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) or MI... I'll take my alphabet-soup of a difficult child any day. But there are days... when I wonder if we're going to make it. Thankfully, those days are fewer now.

I truly believe that I am dealing with FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder). I don't think my DGD has the facial characteristics that go with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) but all the rest fits her to a T. The more I have been reading about it the more sure I am. I also think her biomom suffers from it. I am surprised that more people on this list don't talk about FASD. I read that if you adopt from foster care, 50% of the children will later be diagnosed with FASD. It is an epidemic. KSM

 

[AnnieO]

ksm - yeah... And even if you acquire your kids through normal divorce-remarriage it happens!

 

[BusynMember]

People don't want to think FASD because it's permanent organic brain damage with no cure. And there is little you can do for it.

Step, lots of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) moms have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) babies, sadly.

 

[AnnieO]

MWM, you're right about that.