We know where my daughter is

[DDD]

Sending a caring hug your way. I, too, think you might want to rethink your course of action. In addiction support groups it is emphasized that the parent or loved one is not to orchestrate the down fall of the consequences. There is a relief, of sorts, in bringing an end to the chaos and knowing your child is safe...even in custody.

The goal is for your child to "hit bottom" and learn to fight back up the scale toward normalcy. Having a parent "dunk 'em" only teaches the lesson that my family is against me. At 18 with a long history of problems I would think you need to step back, not involve others, and hope/pray that your daughters choices do not cause her harm as she faces the results of "her choices". Good luck. DDD

 

[bran155]

DDD, thank you for your concern. My social worker said the exact same thing!!! She said not to call the cops, just let the chips fall where they may. She said to let natural consequences happen on their own. So, that is what I am going to do. It is only a matter of time before she gets caught. She is in our home town where most of the cops know who she is anyway. I will sit back and wait for that dreaded phone call. I will, undoubtedly be the first person she calls when she is caught. I would actually like it much better, to stay out of it. I don't want to be a part of this chaos anymore. I am utterly sick of dealing with all of this. Better for me to let her be her own downfall.

Jog, thanks for the strength!!

You guys are the best.

 

[totoro]

Bran have you read Reviving Ophelia?
It will not really tell you what to do... but it has given me a whole different insight into young girls and women in general. Myself... as well.
Why easy child's do things why G'sFG do the things they do. It is written from girls who are easy child's but with difficult child qualities.
The Ophelia theory but so much more... the need to make us hate them but some how they are still crying out for help. Yet are unwilling to ever ask for help...
Angry young girls. Girls who never developed their true sense of self and why.
A lot that we as adults can identify with also...
It is a good one to revisit as well.

I am glad you at least know where she is.

 

[Nancy]

Bran, I am so sorry. Your difficult child has made her choice and until she wants to pull herself out of this hole she is in, you are right to pull back and let her experience her own consequences. I know you still love her with all your heart and your heart is breaking for what she will have to go through, but you have done all you can and now it's up to her.

Stay strong.

Nancy

 

[bran155]

totoro, thank you for that. I will look into getting that book. I agree, my daughter is very hard on the outside, very mean and destructive yet, very fragile inside. She is lost and in pain. It saddens me a great deal because I am more than willing to help her, I just need her to want to be helped. She is crying out for it, she is screaming for it. I always say that what she projects on the outside is just a manifestation of how she is feeling on the inside. It breaks my heart because I know she doesn't want to live like this. Who would? It really stinks that my hands are tied at this point, I can't help her until she wants to get better. First she must admit she has a problem. She is still in big time denial. I pray that her rock bottom will come very soon and before something horrible happens to her. That is my biggest fear, that while waiting for her to be ready to change her life something really bad will happen that will only add to her struggle. Uuuurrrrghhhh!!!! Very frustrating!!!

Thanks.

 

[bran155]

Thank you Nancy. I appreciate your support.

 

[Steely]

I enjoyed reading the responses from others on this post. Everyone is so right about the detaching part, and yet, it is my true achilles heel. Like you said, we know we can no longer be the soft place they land, but yet, that is what feels "normal" to do as a mom - especially us warrior moms of sick kids.

It is a true evolution for myself, to walk this journey I am on with difficult child, and literally turn my back when the chips are falling. Every opportunity he gets he wants to pull me back in to "fix" things - and I immediately start to physically feel sick. It is very intense. It is almost like someone whipping a horse to run, but then telling them to stop. That is how I feel inside. I start to go, go, go, and fix - and then I know I can't - and it makes me physically sick until I can calm my brain down.

You are so on the right track with all of this. You are one amazing, strong, mom - I am impressed with your resolve.
Many hugs

 

[bran155]

Oh steely you are so sweet!

I am not as strong as it may seem. I just recently started to detach after all of these horrible heartbreaking years. I think it is a natural progression, we are human and can only take so much. I still flail, some days I am better than others. We all are just works in progress. It is really tough to love this person with everything that you are only to be treated horribly. Between sustaining the abuse and dealing with the anxiety of worrying about my daughter it is a never ending coaster of emotion. It is just draining!!! I too feel physically sick inside, I walk around with a pit in my stomach, my knees are weak and my heart races. When it gets really bad I begin to shake and sometimes I vomit. No parent, other than parents like us could ever begin to understand how difficult it is to raise a mentally ill child. I sometimes wish my daughter was physically ill instead. I think people would be more forgiving. I even think I would be more forgiving. Even though I logically know and believe my daughter has a valid illness, it is just so hard because she looks so totally "normal". Aside from her illness she is a regular girl. She wants to look nice, wear make-up, smell pretty and have nice girly things. It breaks my heart that she looks so regular and yet inside she is a mess!!!

I think when you finally reach your breaking point, you too will begin to detach. In my personal experience I wasn't able to force myself, beginning to detach had to come naturally. (for me anyway) I have tried so hard over the years to detach and just could not. Now, I am truly fed up!!! I actually feel guilty for not being more worried, for not doing more to help her even though I know there isn't anything left that I can do. I am just so used to being her savior, I don't feel right not rescuing her. I am addicted to this craziness. Of course her not being here makes detaching a whole lot easier. She has the ability to rope me in so quickly. When she is home I have a very hard time letting go. I am so much more emotional when she is here. I don't know what is worse, dealing with her abuse or worrying about where she is and what she is doing. If I can help it she will never live with me again, or at least not until she is dedicated to her treatment. It is just too hard.

Like you once said to me: "We will get through this someway, somehow"

God bless,

Shawna

p.s. You are a wonderful mom. And you are stronger than you give yourself credit for!!!

 

[Steely]

I have a friend that has a daughter who is 18 and has thyroid cancer. For some odd reason, I found myself envying him today - because there are doctors there that have answers, and "cures", and he has a boatload of cards, and sympathy, and support from his friends. As horrible as what he is going through is, there are many times, I would rather my kid have a physical illness. It seems more tangible, more clear cut, and since it is more within our societal norm, others know what to say, do, or how to respond.

I did reach my breaking point about 4 months ago, and for the first time called the cops. I just snapped when he snapped. Now he is on his own in ID in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC). He had one of his "fits" 3 weeks ago in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and they called the cops on him and put him on a 72 hour hold, and then he was in phosph for 10 more days. For once me, mom, was not there to rescue. I think it may have been his biggest reality check in his life. Now he is back at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and dealing with the reprecussions of alientating his friends by his "fit". It is still hard not to rescue, fix, change, control his atmosphere to make this all more bareable for him. However, I do now have the resolve to do it. Regardless, it would be nice for those wild horses inside of me to want to stop running.

 

[bran155]

I completely and totally understand how you feel!!! It would be easier if our children were just "bad" kids. That way we wouldn't feel so bad for them. They were dealt a very difficult hand in life and it's just not fair. Which makes detaching a whole lot harder. I can't tell you how many times I made a complete fool of myself at my daughters rtcs. All she would have to do to rope me in and manipulate me was call me with a sob story of how she was being mistreated and there I went!!! I have caused numerous scenes and cursed out numerous people in defense of my "poor child". Only to later find out that most of what she told me was a lie. She pulled the strings and I jumped, I was her puppet, she was my master. It is in our nature to nurture. We are mama bears protecting our cubs. We must realize that the world won't be as kind as we are. We must prepare them for society, who at large just do not have much empathy for the mentally ill. Those horses you speak of are in all of us. We are moms who love our children. Without those horses we would not be able to fight to get our children the help they need. We just need to learn how to tame the horses and utilize thier force only when necessary. Easier said than done, I know!!!

You should try to enjoy the peace while he is away. Take care of you. You so deserve it. He is where he needs to be right now. I know that dropping your kid off at some strange facility into the care of strangers is more than difficult. It is hard to trust that people will do the right thing. I am speaking from experience. I have had just as many sleepless nights while my daughter was away as I do when she is home. The anxiety is still there, it's just coming from a different perspective. You are still worrying, just about different stuff, is he safe, is he being treated right, is he making friends, is he eating, showering, is he sad, is he mad at you, does he hate you.....I could go on and on. Believe me I so understand. My daughter has been in 3 rtcs, two of which were out of state. Where the laws are different and it was very scary!!!

There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel, there just has to be. We must believe that. We must continue to have hope, even when things are at their worst. If we don't have hope - what do we have?

{{{HUGS}}} And thanks for always giving me support!!!

 

[meowbunny]

It killed me to detach. The last thing I wanted for my beloved daughter was for her to be missing, homeless, in a carnival, living with who knows what ... However, I knew the only way I could help her was to force her to see what life was like without any supports. It was hard, so very, very hard. However, it did help her. She did learn. She did try to do better living at home. She did grow up a little. I was there when she was trying to help herself and that made it good for both of us (not great but good).

Bran, in your case, you need to detach for your daughter to see that she has choices -- to get the medical help she needs, to take the necessary medication, to take responsibility for her actions. She can't learn that as long as she has that soft place to land. So, by detaching you're helping her the best way you can. You're forcing her to make choices. Here's hoping she follows through with treatment and taking her medications. If not, keep detaching from her behavior but keep loving her. Always let her know that when and if she is ready to help herself, you'll be her number one cheerleader and you'll help her all you can.

Detaching isn't easy but I did find it helped to remember I was detaching from my child's choices, not my child. It also helped keep the lines of communication open when she was ready to change. I'm tired and rambling and repeating myself, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Anyway, many hugs. I know how hard this is.

 

[Mayapple5]

You are off the roller coaster ride now. Enjoy the smooth, straight road for a while. give yourself permission to sit back and take a deep breath of fresh air and play awhile. You have gone through something only the parents here can truely understand and you have our support. We have to give ourselves permission to go on and have as "normal" a life as possible ans still be there for them when they are ready to accept their part in society, their place in the family, their responsibilty for their own actions and pay the penalties. Once they know we will still love them and turn our backs on them but won't support their actions they will grow up. been there done that.

I've had to say NO more than once and that was when my 36 yr old had two daughters that she couldn't take care of and they were going into the system, I had to tell her I wouldn't take them. Oh, that was so very difficult! The system then placed them with me. My daughter was more than scared, for sure!

Perhaps your difficult child will mature and grow up, and start taking responsibility now that she has to pay the price for her actions, once she is caught, I mean. It is a good thing that you are going to wait for her to get caught on her own, the authorities may already know where she is and are just waiting for a just cause to arrest her (as if they don't already). Then you aren't involved and she can't point a finger at you and blame you.

Hang in there, you are stronger than you think, focus on your son and the reason for this holiday and remember to take time for yourself.

 

[TerryJ2]

Shawna Bran,
I can't believe I missed this thread. I am so glad you know where your daughter is and that she is "safe." (Relatively speaking.)
I am really, really glad you are beginning to sleep. That is SO important.
You are wise to let the chips fall where they may. It is a tough decision but you will get through it.
Many, many hugs.

 

[bran155]

I can't say this enough : YOU GUYS ARE SO GREAT!!! You all give me strength, really and truly you do!!! Thank you so much for that.

Its' weird, it's as though someone came in during the night and snatched the obsession right out of me. Within the last few days I am feeling so much better. I am not freaking out like I used to. The anxiety is tamer, the worry is less, the pieces of my heart are slowly finding their place again. I can't say that this freedom will last forever because I am sure there will come a day when I fall apart again. I am thinking it will be when she is caught and in jail. And even if I begin to fall apart again, I will never let her know it. I will be strong enough to let her suffer her own consequences for a while. When she goes back to jail I am not going to have any communication with her for at least a month. Not so much because she punched me in the face, but more so for the mere fact that she has not even called me to tell me she is okay. Such a lack of common courtesy. She knows how worried I get, all she has to do is call and simply say she is alive and hang up. But I get nothing. There is no doubt in my mind that when she is caught she WILL absolutely call me then. She will be very surprised when I speak calmly to her and am in control of my emotions. I think she will be taken back a bit by my indifference. She is used to me being a total mess and so consumed with her drama. Maybe then she will see that life no longer revolves around her. I have a feeling that she will have the nerve to show up here on Christmas to get her presents!!! She is just that selfish. She won't get them, but she will try!!! We are not going to give her any of her gifts until she comes out of jail. And at that, she will only get them if she deserves them.

I hope she gets caught before she ends up with more charges!!! But, hey even if she ends up in more trouble it will only be because of choices she makes. In fact, I got a letter the other day from the court, if she does not turn herself in within 30 days of the date of that letter the court is going to add Bail Jumping Charges to her case. More trouble!!! She is not thinking about the future she is only thinking about instant gratification. I guess that is par for the course - hu?

Thank you once again my friends.

 

[DammitJanet]

Hey there....from the borderline side of things.....Im gonna tell ya...we manipulate people, we lie, we steal. We arent nice people. I was a horrible teen. I grew up though. What made me grow up you might ask? Having kids. Being responsible for someone other than myself made me a better and stronger person. I will never be what my parents wished me to be but I am stable and own my own home....not bad.

 

[Rotsne]

Bran155: Copy and forward the letter from the court to the address where you believe she is without a sender address. Send it from another town so she cannot find out where it came from.

She cannot react to the Bail Jumping Charges if she doesn't know about it.

Maybe then the peers she is hanging out with, who according to your own words are not among God's nices kids could explain her what those charges means when it comes to the hospitality of the state and how much time less she could risk spend in jail if she turns herself in.

However the reality is that once her jail stint is over, she would properly be over 18. The economical times are hard and I doubt that the state would like to pay for her. As you can see from this report jailing people cost a lot of money and several states are seeking solutions in the local community. I fear based on the experiences that it means more homeless people on the streets. That is the result from 20 years of the socalled "district psychiatry" here in Denmark which transferred treatment from large asylums to the family doctors. I fear that the court could give her probation and kick her out on the street once she turn 18. It would sent her right back to the same peers where she is now.

But regardless of the various scenarios which could happen in the future, it would be fair to inform her of the risk of the new charges. Then it is up to her to take a decision. I hope that she will take some advice from peers now when she has stopped listening to adults. I hope the best.

 

[Marguerite]

Rotsne said, "Copy and forward the letter from the court to the address where you believe she is without a sender address. Send it from another town so she cannot find out where it came from."

Good idea. But get someone she doesn't know, to hand-address the envelope. And yes, post it from a different town. Or from the cop-shop. That would hopefully put the wind up her and also removes ANY possible excuse of "I didn't knoooooow..."

Marg

 

[janebrain]

Hey Janet,
not to hijack this thread, just wanted to let you know you give me hope. My difficult child 1 has borderline "traits" and she seems to have found a reason to live with the birth of her son. I am hoping he will be the catalyst for some changes.
Thanks,
Jane

 

[klmno]

Hi, Bran! No advice- I just wanted to offer support. I think you are handling things well and others have already come up with some good ideas.

PS Janet is really an "ok" person- I don't think she's giving herself enough credit here!

 

[bran155]

Thanks so much you guys.

Rotsne, that IS a good idea. I will get on that today. I didn't even think of that. I would like her to know exactly what she is facing, so sending that letter would be perfect. This way if she still decides to stay on the run, it would be her choice and she would be fully aware of her consequences!!

Janet, it is so good to see you. Your advice always makes me feel much better. Thank you for responding. I PMed you, did you get it? And I think Klmno is exactly right - you don't give yourself enough credit!!! Glad you are back.