Weird/sad move by best friend

[Nomad]

Sven...five weddings! OMG! I like your preliminary plans!

Tomorrow is Friday, no lunch invitation. I'm going out of town Monday.
we are talking a little, but neither has mentioned the wedding debacle.

husband is saying that maybe I shouldn't say anything because what I'm particularly upset about is that after calling us repeatedly for decades "just like family," she still didn't invite us after getting the extra table. He thinks that she accidentally told me about the extra table because she is accustomed to freely telling me what's on her mind and when she started to let lose, she just opened up about everything, not realizing that this detail would be over the top. As I said before, it didn't feel good not being invited, but when she told me about the last minute extra table and we still weren't being invited, I was hurt. So...as husband has calmed down a little, he says that maybe I shouldn't call it to her attention that she over shared out of habit...since we are just like family or ? I did wish to say that I'm hurt, but accept the situation, because it don't wish to be a wimp about it. You teach people how to treat you. BUT, I want to stick to how I feel, not bring up anything I think she may or may not have done wrong. I'm very sad, disappointed and confused.
So...we are speaking now, not mentioning the wedding and it's all superficial. Sigh.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

I'm not a fan of superficial. In my ever-so-humble opinion, a person is not a friend if you cannot share your true feelings. Were I you, I would tell her that I was hurt that we were not invited to the wedding. We understand that the number of guests was out of their hands, but with the 30 year friendship and the late extra table, we were excited that we could share this memorable day with our close friends. But, I love you and can't wait to see some pics.

That's the way I would handle it. Get out how you feel and move on, if moving on is your intent.

Sharon

 

[Nomad]

Sharon, I agree. I need to do this. husband confused me a bit. I think she is avoiding me because she knows I likely will speak my mind. But, I won't be "ok" unless I do. I will probably never fully understand this but someone who has been as kind and giving for thirty years as she has been is entitled to some thing unexplainable. It is very painful and difficult though in thirty years we've never even had a argument or disagreement. Thank you for what you said. It's just rough it's bad enough to have physical pain, difficult child garbage....but she was a reprieve from it all. I'm in emotional pain. But, I'm gathering my strength and will calmly speak with her honestly and move forward.

 

[nlj]

Here it would be the people getting married who would choose who to invite, not the parents.

Are you sure this isn't the case? Maybe it's nothing to do with her and the bride and groom have written the guest list, based on their family and close friends.

I wouldn't have let my parents decide who was coming to my wedding(s).

 

[Nomad]

Yes, Lucy. The bride's family said they had 85 people to invite. Her son told them he needed to take 25 from that group for his personal friends and told his parents that gave them 60 for the family and friends of the family. Since they had recently got into an argument with some close cousins, I knew that a bare minimum of four people would not get an invitation who normally would get one, but it still might be tight as their family is large. At the last minute, she revealed to me that they got an extra table. So, not counting her sons' friends, that means she had at least 66 seats. My friend and her husband were making the decision on the 66 seats. I was very saddened that I didn't make her list on that extra six. I'm fairly sure because of the extra table, they may of actually got more seats than the brides family, who are paying for all the seats. I do know it WILL be noticeable to many that we aren't there.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

She may also be avoiding you because she feels guilty or bad about how it went down too....

 

[Nomad]

My friend has been sending me very endearing texts and my replies have been nice, but more neutral.
So I recently told my friend the truth re the lack of an invite to her son's wedding. Told her that I accepted that we might not get an invite to the wedding due to her limitations etc. but when she told me about the extra last minute table and we still didn't get invited, I was hurt. At first she didn't understand, but then it sunk in. I asked her where the couple was registered and she said that we shouldn't get a present. (interesting) So, I said I thought it would be appropriate and I wanted to. She then said that they probably got everything already. Ugh. But, she quickly changed that path and told me where they were registered. Said they were going to Europe on their honeymoon, etc. she said her husband was mad that I was upset, but she told him that she could understand. It was a bit weird, but more or less ok. Things are clearly better, more relaxed. I don't fully understand it, am still a little hurt, but am better; we are both moving forward.

 

[1905]

I have been thinking about this and think you and your husband should not get a gift. Spend the money on yourself and have a nice weekend getaway. Personally, I dread a wedding invite, now I have to get a gift, waste an evening that I wanted to do something I wanted to do, maybe need to buy a dress...husband hates it too. (by the way, The cheapest wedding is $150 a plate, at least, for anywhere decent, no way will the gifts make up for that.)

It's just a stupid party for a few hours. Your friends are still your friends. Try not to take it personally. I know you do, but try not to, trust me, there are people going who would love to not go. Let it roll off your back. Don't send anything. You can have more fun with your husband alone that night!!

 

[Nomad]

I have been thinking about this and think you and your husband should not get a gift. Spend the money on yourself and have a nice weekend getaway. Personally, I dread a wedding invite, now I have to get a gift, waste an evening that I wanted to do something I wanted to do, maybe need to buy a dress...husband hates it too. (by the way, The cheapest wedding is $150 a plate, at least, for anywhere decent, no way will the gifts make up for that.)

It's just a stupid party for a few hours. Your friends are still your friends. Try not to take it personally. I know you do, but try not to, trust me, there are people going who would love to not go. Let it roll off your back. Don't send anything. You can have more fun with your husband alone that night!!

Good points. I ordered a moderately priced gift from the registry. Might post a crazy update in a sep. thread.

 

[TerryJ2]

Nomad, I hurt for you, and I agree with-the others, go to lunch and have a nice talk. And tell her that you don't understand. You may get quite an earful, and she may even burst into tears. You never know what's going on in her end. When she acted shocked, that indicated she had no clue why you bowed out, and she is as clueless on her end as you are on yours. Fingers crossed that you can all get through this.