Well, difficult child is gone.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Coookie, Feb 11, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Sorry Cookie.
    I am going to repeat Barbara (hope :wink: she doesn't mind)
    In one of her responses to my post she said to keep posting about it.
    When I felt like crying, I would post those feelings
    When I felt like screaming I would post those feelings too, It has really helped work through it all by sharing it with other's on this board.
    I know how you feel Cookie, Just know that you are not alone and we are here and a lot of us are feeling the same way in our life now.

    THIS TOO WILL PASS
     
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Robby

    Many ((((((hugs))))))) for your Mommy heart. I'm so sorry difficult child is determined to be so darn stubborn. :frown:
     
  3. judi

    judi Active Member

    Robby - I'm so sorry for this pain. These young men test our patience and love for them big-time! I'm sorry you've joined the club that no one wants to be a member of! Take care.
     
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    Robby, so sorry difficult child has pulled this stuff again. He is so righteous, isn't he?

    He needs to figure it out on his own, so let him. It will be the best mommy move you can make.

    HUGS!!!
     
  5. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Robby, I am so very sorry that you and husband have to go through all this pain. Even though you probably knew this day was coming, I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier. It's almost like he was deliberately stepping over the line so you would throw him out, like he was forcing you to do it! I'm so proud of you for sticking to your guns and doing what you said you would do. Apparently he's going to insist on learning the hard way.
    :hammer:
    You HAD to do it. It's like he didn't know what to do with himself anymore, didn't know where he fit in anymore, so he reverted back to being a kid. This is the only way to force him into some kind of action to get on with his life. If you didn't, he'd still be there five years from now, sleeping all day and letting you and husband support him!

    I know you're probably worried sick about him, but look at it this way ... he WON'T starve, he's a smart kid, he's very resourceful, and now he's going to HAVE TO land on his feet and start being responsible for himself. And I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he's back very soon wanting to reconsider the offer of going to school! It won't take him long to realize how good he had it.

    What he does now is his decision. It's all up to him, and completely out of your control. Your priority right now should be reconnecting with your husband and once again becoming a united front, gaining strength from each other. Sending lots and lots of (((hugs))) ... it WILL get better.
     
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Cookie, I am so sorry for your hurt. (((HUGS))) -RM
     
  7. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    Sorry you are feeling badly about this.

    I agree that this is the best scenario. You will get along with him so much better with him out of the house. It may take some time, but it will happen.

    I know you would've liked it if he stayed at home, got a job, and went to school. He isn't doing that, his attitude is bad, and that is causing stress in your home and your marriage.

    I'm sure you and husband's relationship will go right back where it was when your difficult child was away. :smile: You may need a few days to unwind from this latest round.

    Hope you hear from him soon so you will know where he is. I'll keep my fingers crossed that he now decides to be responsible.

    I'll be thinking of you.

    Lia
     
  8. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style="color: #660000">robbie, you're not really surprised by any of this, are you? he's done nothing but provoke you & husband since he hit your door. the only thing he did do is get his drivers license & in truth that was pretty self~serving, wasn't it? by the way, who's paying the insurance???? shouldn't be you & husband.

    you did exactly what he wanted you to do. he wanted to leave, but he wanted to make it all your fault. with-o meaning to be you & husband were putty in his hand.

    he will come crying back. you both need to stand firm on this & make sure he is well & truly out of the next. it's the only way to get him to move forward. you cannot keep rescuing him.

    it hurts like the dickens right now, but with-time, the pain will ease. i know you fear your future relationship with-him....but truly what relationship did you have? seems like he was the pugilist & you were his punching bag. i also think he was a master at triangulating you & husband. our kids hone this to a fine art arrrgh!

    keep communications with-husband open. it's okay to disagree, but stay strong & presnet a united front even when you disagree.

    the only thing i wish had been different was if husband had been the one to tell him to go. but i understand why you did.

    lick your wounds ~~ & he's inflicted many....then pick yourself up & move forward ~~~ with-husband.

    kris </span>
     
  9. TYLERFAN

    TYLERFAN New Member

    Hi Robby:

    When I think back about the worst of times with difficult child, my thoughts always go to the one night I threw her out. It was cold, she was 16, it had snowed and she had no coat (lost it) and no place to go. She stayed at my door banging to come in at 3am........ :nonono:
    Then there were the countless nights I didn't hear from her, my mind imaging her in a ditch. :nonono:
    This cold fear is something not all parents have to go thru as we all know. But some of us have and we truly understand....truly!
    Coookie, you have given it your all. In fact I would say you have done better than I could have....you are working, you became a P.I., you have functioned thru this. You have done a good job. You are a good mother, an exemplary step-mom!!!! :bravo:
    FA (Families Anonymous) would be very helpful for you and for husband I think. Go even if husband can't/won't.
    We are here for you with understanding and strength that only a parent of a difficult child can have.
    Like Fran said, keep putting one foot in front of the other every day. If I know you are doing that, it will help me too. It will help all of us who feel like they can't get thru today. If we know that collectively we are walking together, we will heal.
    Sending Hugs and prayers. One Day At A Time. :warrior:

    God
    Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
    The courage to change the things that I can,
    and the wisdom to know the difference.


    Blessings,
    Melissa
     
  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    You admitted you are an enabler, and he couldn't follow the rules. What you have done is the best thing for both of you, though I know right now it doesn't feel that way. Time does heal things and you will eventually have a better relationship with him because you stopped enabling. Even after you told him he had an hour to leave, you still continued to give him chances that would allow him to stay and he didn't want to accept them. You gave him the choice and he made it. Take this time to heal your relationship with husband. Go to bed when you want and live in your house in peace. You will realize shortly how much nicer it is to live without a difficult child in the house.
     
  11. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Coookster....so many of us had to do what you did. It is so dang hard! he will be back before you can catch your breath and think straight. be ready to be stronger.
     
  12. KateM

    KateM Member

    Cookie, you've received alot of good advice/support here. I will just add my ((hugs)). Know that you have been and will continue to be the most loving, supportive warrior mom a difficult child could have.

    Most importantly, use this time for you and husband. You guys have a solid relationship that has been under alot of difficult child stress lately.Time for you two to nourish yourselves! ((Hugs))
     
  13. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi Cookie,
    just got myself re-registered on this site so I am chiming in late but wanted you to know I am thinking of you. When I kicked my 18 yr old dtr out she told me she hated me and I told her I hated her too (nice, huh?) We had a few dealings with each other in the next few days and she was hostile and told me she really didn't care about our family. I thanked her for her honesty and told her we knew she didn't care by her actions and it was good to have her actually admit it. Well, the next thing I knew she was in tears and saying how she couldn't care because she pushes everyone away from her who cares about her. I just said that she might want to talk to a therapist about it. I remained neutral and didn't take any responsibility for her feelings. It was after this that she made some big changes in her life and we are quite close now (4 months later). I, too, thought I had lost her when I kicked her out. I was so angry though that it got me through--I was relieved to see her go and didn't care if I had a relationship with her or not. I think it was partly due to this that she took responsibility for her own life. I think she saw the gig was up, that I wasn't a safety net anymore and that I really didn't "care" so to speak.

    I really think that a big problem for me and probably many other moms is that we do worry that if we are "mean" or our kids are unhappy with us that it means they will go away and never come back or that they will hate us and we'll lose them. I think that is how I have operated with all 3 of my kids. I am trying to change this but it is hard--I do it well when I am angry but when I am just "normal" I don't want to risk anyone being mad at me.

    Take care, Cookie, you are doing the right thing and I truly do not believe you have lost your son forever.

    Hugs,
    Jane
     
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So sorry Robby, but it had to be done.

    My thoughts exactly... the Marines don't have a curfew? And what about AWOL? And heck, their rules are waaaaay tougher!

    I have a good friend whose son moved out for 7 mos. When he came back, he followed the rules. The best part was that he stayed with-friends... house-hopped, as it were... and so my friend always got phonecalls from her friends and always knew where he was.

    The fact that your difficult child asked about coming back, in the midst of packing, indicates that he is a bit torn.

    I hope he learns. Quickly.

    {{cyberhugs}}
     
  15. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    Cookie,

    I know the feelings of helplessness yu are having. It breaks your heart to have to put them out but it will be OK. i'm betting he will come back and want to follow the rules. Mine did. Put your trust in you and your actions. I am with yu on this. My difficult child was out for a time last spring and if he doesn't change his attitude soon, he will be out again and this time for good. i am having attitude issues with him and his finishing his Home School that he is sooooo close to finishing. He is pretty much following our rules but giving me crap when it comes to getting up and going to his tutoring sessions. This is making me crazy but I have to detach and know that if he doesn't finish school, it is on him and not on me.

    Hang in there and I will be pulling for you guys,

    Hugs,
     
  16. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member


    Unfortunately, one hallmark of a difficult child is not listening to reason and having to learn the hard way. Stand strong and let him get knocked around by life a bit. He needs that and it will probably instill some humility in his bad bravado self.

    I went through something similiar when I was about his age with my Mom after we had a huge fight (of course, to punish HER) and I left to live with my Dad. Then, months later I was begging to come back. She told me no, but she did help me to find an apartment, but made it clear, my days of living at home were over. It was hard, but I managed to scrape by. Your difficult child will too.

    I had to chuckle about the Marines comment. :crazy2: Did he suddenly have amnesia and forget he was kicked out of there too?

    Lots of hugs to you. Hang tough!
     
  17. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    This is what I have learned, Robby.

    You are teaching your difficult child how to treat you.

    He will be back.

    You have done nothing wrong.

    Barring unforeseen circumstance, will be given many opportunities to work with difficult child on these very issues again and again.

    This is normal behavior for a difficult child.

    The things other parents take for granted ~ the celebrations, the beautiful wedding or exciting career ~ these things may not happen for your family Robby ~ at least, not yet.

    And while you can advise difficult child (and it sounds like you have done very well, to me), you cannot choose for him.

    Love your son Robby, but stick to your guns.

    Barbara
     
  18. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    Awww, Robby. I'm sure this has been really tough on you.
    Sending many gentle hugs your way.
    Deb
     
  19. Jen

    Jen New Member

    I got over those feelings. I started thinking this way, "Would I let a dear friend treat me this way?, and always remeber they have no problems treating you like dirt, and walking all over you, so why let him? They will never change is the attitude alot of us have to take to survive.

    Jen