Well I called MHMR and prison SW

[rejectedmom]

And they were not much help. He said that difficult child has "burned briges". In the past they have done his paperwork for him and applied for medical assistance and cash relief etc. Now MHMR just told me how to do it for him. They also gave me the name of two programs that difficult child might be eligible for but one of them is now defunct and was questionable to begin with having law suits for cultish brainwashing etc. The other is a wilderness type experience which isnt a good fit either.

I then called the prison SW who said that I shouldn't do anything for difficult child and that he needs to "step up to the plate" even though difficult child has shown that even when he wants to succeed he can't do the minimum paperwork on his own.

Anyway as far as I can determine 1) No one wants to work with me cause difficult child is legally an adult. 2) It looks as if difficult child will have to either go to a Halfway house in the worst neighborhoods in the nearest city with no support services or come home here so I can help him get the services he needs. I was also told he He will be released witha days medications but no money and no medical insurance to fill his perscriptions. This just hoovers. The prison social worker said something to the fact that if difficult child didn't end up back in jail he would be dealing with others just like him anyway...so no sweat off his back one way or the other.

So I am stuck with two terrible choices. I do not want difficult child living with me because I do not want to put up with his chaos his poor choice in friends and his lack of concern for my property etc. But I also know that the alternative is a sure fire way for him to end up right back in jail. UG!!!!!!!!! I just want to scream! difficult child will be out in two weeks and nothing is in place and no one but me cares.-RM

 

[witzend]

I think I would feel the same way about this as you do. You don't want him home, you don't want him vulnerable to failure on his own. I guess that my question or goal would be, does he want help applying for these things?

I agree that he needs to step up to the plate. He's not invested enough in this stuff. You know him best and maybe he is too flummoxed by the paperwork. But does he see the value in the paperwork? If it were me, I'd feel more comfortable helping him or help him finding help with it if he can see the value in meeting halfway.

{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}

 

[rejectedmom]

Thanks Witz, husband is going to go to visitation tomorrow and talk to difficult child about his options. husband even suggested to me that we consider taking a loan for 50K and convert one of the out buildings into living space for difficult child so he'd be near but not under the same roof. (That is the building that was supposed to be my art studio... sigh) That plan would also mean a big chunk of our retirement savings going to loan payments instead. Even if I agree to that it is not an immediate fix. It would take a few months to get it all done.

I just feel so defeated and saddened by this situation. If difficult child goes to the halfway house it means a 40 minute drive for me just to help him fill out paper work and search for helpful resources that he can tap into. Yet deep down I do not want him in my back yard or even nearby. It is hard feeling so much turmoil again after a few months of peace. Hard to feel positive and not bitter. -RM

 

[GoingNorth]

I don't know if it would be productive in the long run to build him a residence and help him live in it.

in my opinion, it could still be awfully enabling and I don't think that's a good idea.

If he's looking at getting on SSI, your local HHS office can walk him through the paperwork face to face and get the process rolling

 

[ctmom05]

I'm familiar with the issue of lack of services for a young adult who is less than cooperative - it's a catch 22.

The reality of furnishing him with a residence is likely to create more problems than it solves. Perhaps putting some energy into finding him a case manager would pay off.

 

[rejectedmom]

Thank you for your imput ladies. I was not too keen on the idea of difficult child literally in my back yard. He would have to prove alot to me as far as his ability to stay sober and willingness to try and work etc. before I would be onboard with that idea. husband has always been more willing to bring difficult child back here. Of course husband is not the one who would have to deal with it since he is gone most of the week .

Going north what is HHS? I'm not familiar with that abbreviation.

CTmom, I hear you. Unfortunately I cannot find difficult child a case manager he has to do that himself when he gets out. I think he might still think he can make a go of it on his own. If that is the case it is not likely that he will go for services as soon as he gets out. IF he fails to get a job and can't pay his rent then he might be willing to apply but the problem then will be what to do untill the process is completed and services in place.

Flor my part I am hoping that he will go to MHMR right away and somehow convince them to reopen his file. Unfortunately, I have no way of making this happen.
I can only give advise. He is a legal adult and the decidion as to what services he applies for if any is on him not me.

I was lucky that the supervisor at MHMR used to be his case manager and therefore was familiar with the case. Because of our past history he was willing to talk to me. He also advised me not to bring him into my home since I am alone most of the time. He said that there is a fear that if difficult child goes on a binge he could get violent with me again. I know this would only happen if difficult child doesn't stay sober. He is very remorseful of how badly he injured me. As long as he does stay sober I am in no danger from him.

The supervisor did say that I could call him again when I know more about difficult child's plans but didn't offer anything in the way of services for difficult child. This is one of the nicest men on the planet and I fear that my son has even shut him down with his failure to adhere to any program. -RM

 

[ctmom05]

Rm - you are right; the job of hooking up with a case manager is his. My thought was that you could suggest possible resources to your son by asking him if he would like so0me ideas to get started with.

 

[GoingNorth]

HHS is Health and Human Services. They handle SSI for the individual states. If not under that name, check Social Services in your area. If they aren't the right place, they will be able to guide you in the right direction.

 

[Suz]

RM, here is the link to our HHS:

http://www.portal.health.state.pa.us/portal/server.pt/community/department_of_health_home/17457

Did you ask your contact at MHMR for information about Independent Living Programs? I know that PA has them if you ferret them out. It's possible that difficult child would need to qualify as disabled - something that might not be too difficult to prove with his history.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[witzend]

Given that your husband is talking about mortgaging or selling resources to fund a home for him, I think I would be more inclined to use that money to hire someone to help him find resources. Then he could use it or go to the streets.

I agree that it's unlikely that he will do anything but disappoint if he is given a place to stay. We often complain that there aren't tools for our kids. Maybe I'm being naive and there's not actually anything out there like this, but I'd rather mortgage my retirement to give my kid tools than to let him trash what I had hoped would be my art studio or get him a place that he won't appreciate.

 

[rejectedmom]

Going North and Suz thanks for that information. I spoke briefly with difficult child today he says that he is "working on getting a place to stay" and that I can't do any of this for him he has to do it from inside. So I am not optimistic that it will be done in the two weeks till his release. I'm sure there will be a bit of scrambling on that day and am hoping all works out OK.

Witz, I hear you. We have been trying to give him tools to succeed his entire life. He just can't seem to grasp onto them. You are right though I do think that if I spent the money on fixing up the out building and he trashed it I would be bitter and angry. I told husband this morning not to put it out there. I'd like to see difficult child making progress in helping himself before making that kind of investment. I will help him apply for SSI and medical assistance and buy his first month's worth of perscriptions. I will also research what resorces are available to him in the area in wich he finds housing. -RM