What bothers you the most?

[A dad]

So what among the terrible flaws your adult child has bother you the most? Granted the whole package makes it unbearable but is the flaw yo u hate dislike or whatever you wanna name it about you difficult child?
For example for mine is his lack of ambition to improve himself basically he does not do anything without being forced be it me or his mother, society and how the world works. He does normal things not because he wants but because other want. He does not care for him which yeah annoys me so much.
Which makes the question how can he care about what others so much that he does things for them and not for him?
Is it not you must learn to love yourself before you love others?
What is the flaw that bothers you the most?

 

[Lil]

I think it's the explosions. That he thinks somehow it's okay to yell and scream and act like a 2 year old in a tantrum, instead of a 21 year old man...There's more to go with that. But if he were "difficult" but not volatile, it would be easier to bear.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Volatility. Great word, Lil. Outside of everything else, if my kid were at least predictable, it would REALLY help. But he isn't. And a lot of it is not in his control - the diagnosed challenges alone are great at generating volatility.

 

[Tanya M]

For me, it's the attitude of being superior to everyone. My son has a very high IQ but he does not temper it with any common sense. He's very arrogant and truly believes he knows more than anyone else. He can read a book and retain the information and because of that he feels he's an "authority" on the subject and loves to engage people in debates. He always has to prove he's right.
He's off the charts smart and yet he lives a life of wondering the southwest states.

 

[Endeaver]

21 year old difficult child. He was such a good kid until high school. He rallied to get into a good college and basically dropped out but what bothers me the most are The lies that we are sure to find out; like actually being in school, enrolling in summer school, running in a half marathon, having a job. This site has made me see that for a year I have enabled him and done him no favors. I'm going to tell him today that the support, that was supposed to be for when he was in school, is over.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I'm too jaded I guess, after dealing with Oldest's behaviors for a good 20 years. I have let go of a lot of my frustration over many of the flaws listed. I just can't do anything about any of it and had to accept "this is just who she is, and how she's chosen to live her life." Now I try to ignore most of it. When the good old volatility srikes, I tend to just leave/get off the phone/not answer the text, whatever applies. It took a lot of work in therapy to get there though.

But, the one that still gets to me occasionally is the lying/exaggerating, especially when it's about things that don't even matter. It's baffling to me. I've come to the conclusion she does it to make her feel better about herself, or sometimes to gain more sympathy. Sometimes it's embarrassing, when she tells a story to someone who later tells it to me, and I have no idea what they're talking about (because it simply didn't happen) - but it never does any good to call her out on it. She believe sher own stories, I think.

 

[RN0441]

1. Probably stealing from us when we have given him everything is the WORST betrayal.
2. Not really apologizing for all the hell he has put us through.
3. When I tell him he "is a man now" (in whatever context that may be) he says "I am not a man". Then what the hell are you? You're almost 21!

Good thread!

 

[in a daze]

The lack of ambition, the lack of motivation, the passivity. He's content, it seems,to exists in this bubble where he goes to work, goes to therapy, does what is required of him at the house, and takes care of himself.

He doesn't try to apply for a better job or read up on careers so he could actually be independent and self supporting. He doesn't try to make new friends (social anxiety....he's working on it.)

And this trying to get away with stuff and staying under the radar, giving an appearance of being compliant, while not really being compliant. For example, we told him no more money, so he gets a credit card and runs up a 3500 $ balance. He lives in a sober house, so he starts taking kratom, which can't be detected by testing and is legal. (He had to go to the hospital to detox off the stuff. He's been off it since Ocober. If he starts back, he could die from seretonin syndrome. Good deterrent.) He's 5 or 10 minutes late for work about half the time(I checked his bus record a couple of times).

Fortunately things are trending upwards as he has been honest and forthcoming. He has paid off a good portion of the debt.

He's doing better, but these things really bother us. Everything's a process, I guess.

 

[A dad]

Yeah I know what you mean its not the worst to be like that as it hurts them to be like that more then others but most parents suffer if their children are in pain also and it will bring them so much pain this how you say passivnes lack of ambition. The bubble will break eventually.

 

[youngfool]

I think of all the problems that my Difficult Child has disrespect drugs lazy not appreciate any thing that has been done for him stealing the one that gets me the most upset is the lying that is for me the worst because when they tell you something all I can do is assume its a lie no matter what I have fallen for it so many times that it's sad to not be able to believe your own son so if they are trying or making progress you have to go with the idea that it's a lie and can not be believed no matter what in order to protect yourself so sad it might have been tolerable when they were younger and you expect that they will out grow it like a normal person does but at the older age it's really really sad to watch and a direct view to who they have become

 

[New Leaf]

21 year old difficult child. He was such a good kid until high school. He rallied to get into a good college and basically dropped out but what bothers me the most are The lies that we are sure to find out; like actually being in school, enrolling in summer school, running in a half marathon, having a job. This site has made me see that for a year I have enabled him and done him no favors. I'm going to tell him today that the support, that was supposed to be for when he was in school, is over.

Hi Endeavor, welcome to the forum. Sorry for your need to be here. It is awful to find out that our kids have been pulling the wool over our eyes.
If you want, start a thread and tell us a bit more about what's going on, you will get more response to your situation that way.



What bothers me the most about my two is that they have so much going for them, and just can't seem to reach a point of finding their purpose.
I will continue to hope they do.
Life is too short not to make the best of it.
Leafy

 

[Albatross]

I think it is what seems to be an inability to see things from other people's points of view, especially if he feels he has been "wronged" by them. He can spin events around so that in his mind the other party is 100% at fault and he is blameless, when it might be closer to the opposite. His worldview can be very black and white. Once he is in that mindset he is impossible to reason with.

 

[New Leaf]

Same for my two Albie. I think it is how they are able to look in the mirror...........

 

[TheWalrus]

The lies and manipulations, because I cannot believe anything that comes out of her mouth, cannot listen to anything without wondering if there isn't some sort of con involved, a play for something. I never know which emotions are sincere and which are to get something. I don't even know if she means she loves me when she says it, if she is capable of loving anyone. It is as though there is no "real" her - just whatever mask she needs to put on to get whatever she is after at the moment.

 

[ksm]

The "entitled" attitude...the lack of responsibility for her actions... It is never her fault. She can talk in a circle...for hours...

Plus, she wants it both ways... She's an adult, I can't tell her what to do...and the next minute, Please help me! I don't know what to do!!! Ugghh...

KSM

 

[Zone Defense]

For me it's the manipulation. He is so intelligent and great at reading people, their weaknesses and the situation that he can manipulate almost anyone into believing anything. He's convinced the police, some counselors, and community members that I am the problem, not that his actions are the problem. I think that's why he gets so angry with me... I'm the only one who sees through and calls him on his crap!

Ahhhh... but I have to remember to parent the child that I have, not the child that I wish him to be.

 

[AppleCori]

For me, its the passive-aggressive disrespect of my hubby's younger boy.

He no longer rages (at least, not in my house) but he can be such a jerk sometimes.

He will walk away while someone is talking to him, sometimes just get in his truck and leave without saying anything.

He will make snide comments and veiled put-downs.

He is often moody and unpleasant and you can never tell if he is mad at something you said or did, or if he is just being unpleasant for no reason at all.

The worst is he hardly ever answers direct questions and will only tell you what he wants you to know, even if it is a lie (and you never know what is the truth with him). Its almost like he enjoys playing with people. No, it IS that he enjoys playing with people.

But, the worst is that he has friends and a job, so he must not act this way to everyone else. Just us, I have to assume. Which makes it worse. If it were the way he acted to everyone, you could just assume he has a disorder that makes him oblivious to how he comes across to others, but that is not the case. He can act normally, he just usually chooses not to.

OK, rant over. I just had to deal with his unpleasantness last night, so I am a bit irritated.

 

[Roxona]

I think the thing that gets me the most right now is that he takes advantage of us. There have been other major things like raging, heavy drug use, severe legal issues, but right now that is behind us...and hopefully will not be in front of us again. But right now he will take advantage of our generosity. Ask for favors. Ask for money with promises to pay back. However, he will take care of everyone else in the whole entire world, and I will always come dead last, if I'm even thought of at all. His step-father and I are the ones who have been there the most for him through all the times...good, bad and ugly...but we rank absolutely last. Yes, this is definitely what upsets me the most right now.