What do YOU do?
- Thread starter witzend
- Start date
Star*
call 911........call 911
One plane ticket to - (where does she live Witz) - keep in mind tho - I have been tested recently and I have no testosterone - so it may be a mild auntie grass mowing. None the less - it could be a bare lawn.
In all seriousness - my best advice since I've thought of barely nothing else all day is to go to a local dv shelter and ask them for phamplets and any printed information they may have and ask your local courts for information on anger management classes and schedules for HIM. Send the phamplets addressed anon. to HER and send the ANGER mgmt. addressed to HIM.
Your ex is A=====mazing. Gosh when it serves HIM to be the child's sole protector and guardian (dat dah dah dahhhhhh SUPER DAD) putting everyone else down and out. But when it's his turn to really DO something to protect his little girl - he slinks out of the lime light because he KNOWS it will damage his stellar (falling star) reputation? Insert multiple oh I see, and mmm hmms. Best that you are shed of him.
In all seriousness - my best advice since I've thought of barely nothing else all day is to go to a local dv shelter and ask them for phamplets and any printed information they may have and ask your local courts for information on anger management classes and schedules for HIM. Send the phamplets addressed anon. to HER and send the ANGER mgmt. addressed to HIM.
Your ex is A=====mazing. Gosh when it serves HIM to be the child's sole protector and guardian (dat dah dah dahhhhhh SUPER DAD) putting everyone else down and out. But when it's his turn to really DO something to protect his little girl - he slinks out of the lime light because he KNOWS it will damage his stellar (falling star) reputation? Insert multiple oh I see, and mmm hmms. Best that you are shed of him.
goldenguru
Active Member
*Disclaimer* I must admit - this is a topic that I am passionate about.
'I also don't condone her provoking him. And from what you've described, that exactly what she did. Two wrongs don't make a right, by any means, but she wanted a scene, and she got it. ' This comment sits like a brick on my heart.
Did she intentionally provoke him? I don't know. But, even if she did, no woman deserves to get hit. Period.
Is burning dinner provocation? How about having her own opinion? Maybe when she wears a pair of jeans he doesn't like? That's the insidious nature of domestic abuse in my opinion.
Many people (even in my own family) would argue that if a woman wears too provocative of an outfit - 'she's asking for it'. We must be so careful to guard against such thinking.
No woman deserves to be hit. EVER.
'I also don't condone her provoking him. And from what you've described, that exactly what she did. Two wrongs don't make a right, by any means, but she wanted a scene, and she got it. ' This comment sits like a brick on my heart.
Did she intentionally provoke him? I don't know. But, even if she did, no woman deserves to get hit. Period.
Is burning dinner provocation? How about having her own opinion? Maybe when she wears a pair of jeans he doesn't like? That's the insidious nature of domestic abuse in my opinion.
Many people (even in my own family) would argue that if a woman wears too provocative of an outfit - 'she's asking for it'. We must be so careful to guard against such thinking.
No woman deserves to be hit. EVER.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
witzend
Well-Known Member
OK, guys. Don't get upset with each other! 
I'm still waiting to hear back from anyone as to what is going on. Whatever I do it will be in reaction to something someone does or says. I'm not going to jump in where angels fear to tread.
FWIW, I don't know that she meant to provoke him. She is very good at provoking people though. She hits my buttons all of the time. Or, at least she has. I don't honestly think she thought it through that far though. I do think his friend meant to provoke him. I'm pretty sure he won't be losing the friend. They've known each other, worked together, lived next door, vacationed together, on and on and on, since they were 7 years old.
I'm still waiting to hear back from anyone as to what is going on. Whatever I do it will be in reaction to something someone does or says. I'm not going to jump in where angels fear to tread.FWIW, I don't know that she meant to provoke him. She is very good at provoking people though. She hits my buttons all of the time. Or, at least she has. I don't honestly think she thought it through that far though. I do think his friend meant to provoke him. I'm pretty sure he won't be losing the friend. They've known each other, worked together, lived next door, vacationed together, on and on and on, since they were 7 years old.
N
Nomad
Guest
Witz...
For what its worth...I kinda sorta know what you mean about your adult daughter "provoking." I see this with- my difficult child at times. However, this word "provoking" ...just doesn't sit well with me with reference to abuse. It just is never, ever, ever, never, no way, no how, under any and all circumstances...with the small/tiny profoundly rare remote and highly unlikely exception of a matter of life and death...going to be okay for a man to hit a woman/child (or really anyone!). It's just NOT okay, not not not...no way acceptable.
I do believe your daughter should "hear" that it is NOT okay, that she is worth more and should ALWAYS know that she has safe places to get to. I also strongly believe in providing therapy for people who need (and especially want) it...for me, it provides HOPE for better decisions. But right now, I think the emphasis needs to be on information and safety.
She may not want to hear it and I question whether you should rip your soul out telling her this repeatedly (I like what you said about not jumping in where angels fear to tread), but, due to the extreme risk of safety here, I think it is probably very important that she has this basic information (phamplets, etc.) available to her at all times.
With creativity, I have found ways to provide my difficult child with information she needs and I'm sure you will be able to do this as well.
Perhaps for your daughter's birthday or for the holidays you should provide her with books or little trinkets that might boost her self esteem.
I'm very sorry for all this emotional pain. I recognize how very difficult this has been for you.
For what its worth...I kinda sorta know what you mean about your adult daughter "provoking." I see this with- my difficult child at times. However, this word "provoking" ...just doesn't sit well with me with reference to abuse. It just is never, ever, ever, never, no way, no how, under any and all circumstances...with the small/tiny profoundly rare remote and highly unlikely exception of a matter of life and death...going to be okay for a man to hit a woman/child (or really anyone!). It's just NOT okay, not not not...no way acceptable.
I do believe your daughter should "hear" that it is NOT okay, that she is worth more and should ALWAYS know that she has safe places to get to. I also strongly believe in providing therapy for people who need (and especially want) it...for me, it provides HOPE for better decisions. But right now, I think the emphasis needs to be on information and safety.
She may not want to hear it and I question whether you should rip your soul out telling her this repeatedly (I like what you said about not jumping in where angels fear to tread), but, due to the extreme risk of safety here, I think it is probably very important that she has this basic information (phamplets, etc.) available to her at all times.
With creativity, I have found ways to provide my difficult child with information she needs and I'm sure you will be able to do this as well.
Perhaps for your daughter's birthday or for the holidays you should provide her with books or little trinkets that might boost her self esteem.
I'm very sorry for all this emotional pain. I recognize how very difficult this has been for you.
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Fran
Former desparate mom
If she is as superficial as she sounds and she wants "stuff" and she likes drama and she likes guys hitting on her so boyfriend can see how desirable she is then this is a situation of her choosing. You can comment on her present situation but the underlying problem is festering inside.
If boyfriend was upset enough to call her dad then I suspect he realized that he made a huge mistake.
Almost everyone thinks that their anger at seeing someone hurt would make them willing to go to jail to revenge that atrocity but we seldom act on it.Fortunately. Can you imagine Witz revenging her daughter's slap, going to jail or even just court and L returning to boyfriend? Uh, I don't think so. She is smarter than that and her own life has more meaning. There is culpability in L that she has to realize and answer for. She is not being held against her will and it does not appear that he has done this before. She isn't in a cycle of domestic violence. She is in a cycle of over drama and manipulation from what I can tell.
Physical violence is abhorrent but we still think beating children is ok? yet a slap is reason for vigilante justice? It doesn't make sense. It's part of the reason that I chose to not use physical violence with my children although my temper and my nature is intense enough to go that route. It can't go both ways. I can't say that no one should ever slap me yet I can slap my kids? It's an incredibly bizarre way to teach children.
Anyhow, in my humble opinion, L is not being enticed to stay. She stays because she likes stuff. This is a bigger disappointment to me if I were her mom.
If boyfriend was upset enough to call her dad then I suspect he realized that he made a huge mistake.
Almost everyone thinks that their anger at seeing someone hurt would make them willing to go to jail to revenge that atrocity but we seldom act on it.Fortunately. Can you imagine Witz revenging her daughter's slap, going to jail or even just court and L returning to boyfriend? Uh, I don't think so. She is smarter than that and her own life has more meaning. There is culpability in L that she has to realize and answer for. She is not being held against her will and it does not appear that he has done this before. She isn't in a cycle of domestic violence. She is in a cycle of over drama and manipulation from what I can tell.
Physical violence is abhorrent but we still think beating children is ok? yet a slap is reason for vigilante justice? It doesn't make sense. It's part of the reason that I chose to not use physical violence with my children although my temper and my nature is intense enough to go that route. It can't go both ways. I can't say that no one should ever slap me yet I can slap my kids? It's an incredibly bizarre way to teach children.
Anyhow, in my humble opinion, L is not being enticed to stay. She stays because she likes stuff. This is a bigger disappointment to me if I were her mom.
goldenguru
Active Member
This is part of the 'pattern' of domestic violence. It's call contrition. The abuser abuses - becomes apologetic - makes all manner of promises to change - 'never to do it again' yada yada- and he/she is back 'in good graces'. It is classic.
"She stays because she likes stuff". I don't buy it. Sorry. At the deepest part of L - she does not like being hit. In some warped, pathological way she might expect this (being hit). She might even think she deserves this. But, no way she likes it.
I work in a domestic violence shelter. I have talked to lots of women who are abused - who return to their assailants - and I have yet to meet one who likes it. After working through some stuff - they begin to understand why they tolerate abuse. Few of them are 'enticed' to stay. But, stay they do. For reasons that are as complex as the individuals in domestic violence situations.
Is L. a victim? I don't know. But, there are enough red flags - that if she were my daughter - I would at least want her to have good information about the cyclical nature of DV.
And Fran for what it's worth - I agree with the notion that responding to violence with violence is very counterproductive. And hitting children - and calling it discipline - is counterproductive as well.
Hands are not for hitting. Ever.
