What else can we do?.....vent...long

[mstang67chic]

There's so much zipping through my head right now that I don't even know where to begin. I've talked to two people today who are in one way or another connected to difficult child. The more people I talk to, the more I can predict exactly what's going to happen when he turns 18 in March. He's been argumentative with everyone whether it's at home or school. His case manager (who also happens to be one of his class "aides") told me that he's been yelling at her in the hall at school. He's mad because someone is in class with him, they don't help anyway (translation: they don't give him the answers), he doesn't need them, etc. The last time he did it, she was almost in tears from frustration. The only reason she stopped herself is that he would have taken it as a power trip. He argues with teachers, openly defies rules in class and does it at home too. His teacher of record called me today. It seems that difficult child got a detention but was telling them that he can't serve it because he always has counseling and dr.'s appointments.

I also talked to the head CM. She has talked to difficult child's CM and knows how he's been lately at school and at home. We have an appointment to meet this week to discuss options. It's basically a formality though because we both know what's probably going to happen. The minute difficult child turns 18, I fully expect him to cancel counseling, case management services and possibly quit school. She suggested that husband and I sit down with him and do a contract. We know it won't accomplish anything because it will contain rules and he has no interest in following rules. But at least if we do it, everything is down in writing, he knew about it and can't deny that he knew of the consequences. He's told us that when he turns 18 he's going to get his permit which actually made me laugh. Ok, fine. GET your permit. But, um, who's car are you going to drive and who are you going to get to ride with you??? (It won't be MY car!) I haven't told him that yet but I'm about this close to doing it. His entire world is that when he's 18 he can do any darn thing he wants and no one is going to stop him. But even without it being said, he will still expect everyone to do for him. Not going to happen. We will do what we can to find him someplace to stay but he will be going out our door. He has no job, no money, no car, no license (hasn't earned the priviledge plus I KNOW he's not ready for it) but he's going to do whatever he wants. I have no idea where he thinks he's going to live or how he expects to provide himself with necessities. He qualified for a program that will teach him how to do applications and interviews and also will help him get signed up for Voc. Rehab. It remains to be seen though if he will actually do it.


He's just acting so horribly to everyone right now. I can not and will not tolerate it if it continues. He keeps it up, he's out the door. I know it in my head and even though I know it will be hard to do, it will be the only thing we can do. But at the same time, I still feel like there should be something, anything, we can do to keep the inevitable from happening. He's not drinking or drugging so why is it that we can't get him to see that he's being an obnoxious, mouthy, disrespectful, defiant, pig headed idiot? He doesn't care about anything. Nothing we do or say get's through to him in the slightest. He got on the computer yesterday while I was gone and accessed a porn site. (Partly my fault because I forgot to put a password on the new computer) Honestly, the fact that he did it didn't upset me as much as his attitude about it. He laughed and told me that that's what guys do. And when I told him that the site disgusted me, I was informed that that was my problem. I know that we have to kick him out if this continues. (Which it will because it's getting worse with each passing day) I know this. But why has it come to this? Why doesn't he see that he's just going to dig a hole so deep that he's going to fight like heck to get out of? I know that at the very least he's going to wind up in jail. I resigned myself to that fact a long time ago. At this point though, that's almost my best hope for him. At least then, he'll have a roof over his head and 3 meals a day. Because when we kick him out, if he even has some way of paying for his medications (about $1000) a month based on the receipts that show insurance payment, he's not going to take them like he should, if he takes them at all. The thought of him unmedicated isn't a good one. If he's unmedicated, he could lose what little self control and impulse control that he has and jail WILL be the preferred hope for him. The alternative is one that I can't bring myself to even think about.

My brain knows that kicking him out is the only option. The rest of me? Scared to death.

 

[Shari]

This age is so hard.

I just walked this line with my difficult child 1. Lucky for me he went into the military, where his future is questionable, but for now, he's basically kept under lock and key 24 hours a day at least 5 days a week...

But getting him there took every ounce I had. Had he not been going into the service, I'd have called the police on him myself and turned him in. And he sure wouldn't have been living in my house. Looking back, I should have anyway, but it would have ruined his shot at the military, and what is, best I can see, his one shot at a future.

For me, my difficult child was so disrespectful, hateful, full of attitude and defiance, I was not only releived when he was gone, I was HAPPY. I don't think there's anything you can do to change that attitude. Its one thing if they're compliant and want us to help them live the best life they can - its a whole other ballgame when they don't.

At this age, until he wants help, there's nothing more you can do.

 

[trinityroyal]

{{{{{Hugs}}}}} Mustang,

Sorry you're having to go through this. You could be describing life at my house 6 months ago, before difficult child left. Nasty attitude, horrible behaviour, defiance, defiance and more defiance.

I like the CM's idea of a contract. Not only does it put everything down on paper, in clear black and white so that difficult child knows exactly what's coming, but it also allows you a little bit of space to detach from things.

It's hard and heartbreaking, but you're right. For your and your husband's sanity, I think you're making the right decision.

Hang in there,
Trinity

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

I agree with Shari. Unless your difficult child wants help, there is absolutely nothing you can do. I have many of the same fears you do concerning difficult child 1. Like your difficult child, difficult child 1 knows everything, is the king of the universe, and the rest of us are, well, let's just say unbelievably stupid, lol.

I'm especially afraid of what will happen if difficult child 1 doesn't take his medications. Like you, I can picture difficult child 1 in jail. Without his medications, he is totally, 100% out of control!!! This thought worries me daily... And, difficult child 1 is about a year younger than your difficult child.

difficult child 1 is going to have to move out of our house too. I've had enough of his garbage to last me a lifetime. I want to feel safe in my own home. I'm tired of having to make sure I take my purse with me when I go to bed. Ok, I better STOP!!! This is your post - not mine!!!

Anyway, we're making difficult child 1 take driver's ed now. Even though I was fully against it at first, husband made me realize that it is better difficult child 1 get some training and experience before he leaves home next year. Also, I guess we're lucky in the sense that difficult child 1 is really smart when it comes to computers and our local high school and community college are paying for him to take some courses at the community college. However, the agreement is that difficult child 1 finish his associates degree there. We're praying he does, but realistically I'm not sure this will happen. difficult child 1 is so immature!!! I think he'll be even worse when he's finally on his own.

In a nutshell, if difficult child 1 continues to take these classes, he'll be able to repair computers when he graduates high school. He could get a job doing this during the day and go to community college during the evenings. We'll give him first and last month's rent, his bedroom furniture, some old furniture of ours, etc. and help him get set up in his first apartment. The rest will be up to him.

difficult child 1 can have a bright future if he wants it. However, I WILL NOT let him live in our home once he is 18 with his current level of verbal abuse, horrible attitude, and feelings of entitlement, just to name a few. I'll always love him but I'm more than ready to have him leave my home.

If he wants help, husband and I are more than willing to help him, BUT, he still needs to MOVE OUT!!!

The only thing I can say is that if your difficult child has a talent in one area, push him to learn everything he can about his special talent. It might be the ticket to a job down the road.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I used to think things would get easier when my difficult children got older. I'm glad I didn't know about all the worry, stress, and sadness that is still ahead...

Sorry I can't be more helpful. WFEN

 

[mstang67chic]

At this age, until he wants help, there's nothing more you can do.

I know this. I really really do. I've posted this to others many times and just in the last few days actually.

The entire time we've had difficult child, I've almost always been the "bad guy". I'm the one who sits down and tells husband what we have to do and why we have to do it that way. husband is the one who will tell difficult child that we're not buying him anything else and then turn around and buy him a watch the next day. That's not to say that husband is a total pushover because he's not at all. He's just got a softer heart when it comes to that stuff. But the closer it gets to things coming to a head, I seem to be having more and more "what if" thoughts. I absolutely know that difficult child will wind up in a shelter or on the street if we kick him out. Or at the very least, somewhere not so desirable. I know all of this. But at the same time it scares the hell out of me. Just because I don't like difficult child right now doesn't mean that I don't love him. I do. I just can't stand to live this way anymore and I don't want to. I guess I'm having trouble trying to figure out what to do with the fear and guilt. I know I shouldn't feel guilty as we've done all we could for him but it's still there. And I know that if something terrible happens to him after he leaves this house I don't know how I'll live with it. I guess underneath all of my "tough love" talk, I'm more that a little freaked out.

I suppose he could surprise us all, pull his head out of his bum and make a go of it. But, like I told the head CM today, I'm keeping my fingers crossed but I'm not holding my breath.

 

[BusynMember]

Are you absolutely positive he's not on drugs or drinking? That sort of behavior almost always goes along with drugging/drinking.
Whether he is or isn't, if he refuses treatment you can't help him. Maybe, with his diagnosis., he can get assisted living from the state, BUT you can't get violent there. Is he capable of that? They'd give him his medications, if he was willing to take them. At the same time in my opinion he's on A LOT of medications. Maybe he doesn't like the way all of them make him feel--maybe he can be convinced to take one or two that help him the most.
At any rate, I feel your pain. I went through the same thing. And I felt like the biggest loser parent on earth. It surprised me when "tough love" worked, at least for my kid. I do wish you luck. It's so hard.
I'm sure you know this, but older adopted kids are already pretty much "formed" when we get them (I adopted one at age six). Sometimes, unfortunately all too often, love isn't enough to combat their issues plus what they lived through before we got them.

 

[mstang67chic]

Are you absolutely positive he's not on drugs or drinking? That sort of behavior almost always goes along with drugging/drinking.

Yep....he never, and I mean NEVER leaves the house. Once in awhile he may go to a friends house or occasionally he bops over to see our movie buff neighbor to borrow a movie. Normally though, he's wrapped up in one of his gazillion comforters (mine actually but he's dragged most of them into his room), either playing his Nintendo DS or listening to my CD's that he's swiped.

 

[Suz]

MC, Rob didn't have much of a social life either. Turned out he brought the drugs in so he didn't *need* to have friends, just contacts.

I'm sorry. I remember those horrible days when Rob was just awful. And my (now ex) husband would have the softer heart even though the therapists and PO would tell him not to. It was doubly hard to take because I felt as if I was being betrayed by both men in my life, not just my child.

Anyway, no advice really. Rob had to live through very dark times to start appreciating anything. I hope your difficult child will be smarter...or less obstinate.

Hugs,

Suz

 

[mom_in_training]

Tough love is a gamble but for some very necessary so your fears about where he might end up are valid. been there done that with my difficult child. She was on the streets for three months and did in fact get into the drugs and the whole gamet. I could have hunted her down for the grab and save but I knew better. I knew that grabbing her up for the save would have just made matters worse and as hard as it was kept doing the tough love and waited for her to hit rock bottom. Thank god she did and stopped doing the drugs.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I will say again your fears are valid but you can't let your fears get in the way of doing what you need to do regardless of what you choose to do and as far as guilt, You have done nothing wrong, Your difficult child has and he alone needs to take responsibilty for his own actions as well as deal with any consequences that he may have to endure in his future due to his bad choices. One of my difficult children friends is on the streets as I type this due to her having the same attitude that your difficult child has. "I'm 18 and nobody will tell me what to do" attitude. She thought that she was going to have the privledge of staying here and I said no way, This is not a hotel 6. I do not agree with her bad choices especially knowing that her family is there and willing to do anything they have to do to help her and provide for her so long as they see her making effort to better herself but she in turn snubbed her family because she does not want to abide by any rules or expectations. I printed out all that I could find locally on homeless shelters and churches that could assist her and handed them to her.

Tough love is the hardest thing to do and don't think for a minute that I was not thinking of her Mothers breaking heart but I did what I thought was necessary considering that this girl is not ready to make better choices. She does not quite get it yet (Immaturity!!!!)

I cannot believe that your difficult child had the adacity to say what he did when you voiced your opposition on the porno that he was viewing on your computer. He would be banned from having any use of the computer at all if he were mine. That is one thing I will not tolorate no matter what. No ifs ands or butts, BANNED!!!!! Its a tough call and every parent in the end will do as they see fit but no parent deserves to be treated with the kind of disrespect that some of our difficult children throw at us and its up to us to assess what we are willing to live with when our difficult children turn 18. We as parents once our difficult children become adults do have the right to let them stay and continue to make our lives a living he** or we can choose to let them fly to be the adult that they think they already are. Yea maybe age wise they are an adult but mentally, Not even close in some cases.

 

[BusynMember]

Are you sure he isn't on the autism spectrum? My son doesn't care much for leaving the house either, unless forced, and he's on the spectrum. And I know he's not taking drugs either. If he is, he would have a very hard time going it alone and I'd get social services involved in an adult care placement. If he was exposed to drugs in utero this increases his chances of being on the spectrum (like my son).

 

[mstang67chic]

Are you sure he isn't on the autism spectrum? My son doesn't care much for leaving the house either, unless forced, and he's on the spectrum. And I know he's not taking drugs either. If he is, he would have a very hard time going it alone and I'd get social services involved in an adult care placement. If he was exposed to drugs in utero this increases his chances of being on the spectrum (like my son).

I've wondered about that actually, for quite awhile. I've asked about it but got blown off. Not enough concern on the docs part to warrant testing. Personally though, I do think that while he's not at a point to have a hard diagnosis, I think he's got some traits that put him at the very least, toes to the spectrum line. (And he was exposed to substances in utero. I believe,as the story goes, that she quit drinking but still smoked dope.)

Today though, we met with people from a job training place and got things started in the application process for Voc. Rehab. Part of their process involves testing as most of the time, any testing on record for their clients is 3 years old. difficult child was being a little testy so while he was talking (one word, monosyllable answers of course) to the main lady, I wrote a note to the other one. I asked if they could test for Autism because I suspected some tendencies and she said she would talk to the appropriate people. If the tests show that there is something to that, what are the options at this age? I realize that any interventions or therapies depend on the level of functioning but I'm not real familiar with the process.