What I was afraid of...

[rejectedmom]

CAmom, I am so sorry for your pain. It is so very difficult when you are trying so hard to help you child and they are not buying into it. been there done that. You did GREAT!!!!! I agree with all the others who said never cry in front of a manipulative difficult child. They can see it as a weakness and actually get off on it.

I have never cried in front of mine other than one time when my difficult child#1 was really off the wall and abusing me horribly. She was in middle school then. Twenty years have gone by and I have never done it again. I didn't even cry when difficult child broke my rib. I just iceily told him that I didn't need an ambulance just a police officer. thank God for adreneline!!! -RM

 

[DDD]

My computer has been on the fritz so I don't think I got to reply to your post. Most of us can't understand why they do what
they do...when they do it! Sometimes I think they have lost all
sense of self-confidence and therefore gravitate to the easiest
environment available. Sometimes I think their spirits have been
so broken that they simply can't think positive thoughts. I also
sometimes think that their difficult child need to feel empowered can only be
demonstrated by making some stupid, show-offish, choices.

Just remember.........you are not alone! DDD

 

[Getting happier]

I am sorry , I am sure you are so disappointed. I wonder what makes them even want that stuff. one time, I took too much by mistake, I had to work and to keep going I kept taking slugs of it. When I realized I overdosed, I felt dizzy and nauseated and was afraid I might die because my heart was racing, it did not feel good, so I cannot figure out why they want to take it, it did not feel like a "high" to me.

 

[CAmom]

Just plain stupid, I guess.

I was listening to Dr. Dean Edell on talk radio, talking about drugs, and he said that, since the beginning of time, man has sought out a state of altered consciousness and will continue to do so.

I did so as an older teen, and now, thirty years later, I still couldn't tell you why...

 

[Ephchap]

CA Mom,

We've discussed the staggering statistics of drugs on here from time to time. I hope no one misconstrues this because I detest drugs/alcohol abuse and what it can do to families. I do truly believe, however, that some are more prone to it and that our difficult child's are certainly in that "some" group.

There were friends of my son at the school that I'm sure were drugging right along with him ... but only to a point. They were somehow able to still go to school, work, etc., and not let it consume their lives. My son, however, became obsessed and addicted and totally consumed by drugs. They completely changed the person he was and could be.

How are things going with your son now? Any word from him or visits? Is he getting the drift of "do to get" yet?

Sending hugs,
Deb

 

[CAmom]

Deb, I have to agree. I think I've mentioned before that we live in a bedroom community on a street where there are at least ten teens my son's age. A couple are honor-roll students in a private school, another has had mostly A's in public school, several have part-time jobs along with school, and one or two are average so-so students. However, all have smoked pot and most have tried other drugs, ecstacy in particular, I understand. Yet, despite that, except for one, they all function well and seem to limit their use to "recreational."

My son, however, like yours, got to the point where his day began by planning ways to get money for his smoke, deciding whom he was going to smoke with, and where they were going to do it. And, as you and others may remember, my son also turned into a monster in pursuit of his single-minded goal to get high.

I'm not certain how my son is doing other than he told me that he would have made his status last week if it hadn't been for the cold medicine issue. However, there's always that "if it hadn't been for...(fill in the blank), so I'm trying to stay very neutral and let him do the talking. His easy child said he's doing better in school, so I have a LITTLE glimmer of hope.

I feel that, since my husband and I are completely out of the loop, he'll have to circle back around to himself for the first time in his life and look to himself for answers. I wonder...

Hugs back to you!

 

[CAmom]

The latest---we heard from him tonight. He asked me to talk to his PO and assure her that he would begin to do much better from this point on if she (his PO) could assure him that he would be released from the program in 90 days. I told him that I would not talk to his PO because she isn't much interested in anything I have to say but, more importantly, she doesn't want to hear talk from him but rather wants to see some positive action on his part.

Unfortunately, my son has gotten though much of his life using his verbal skills (almost genius verbal IQ but without correlation on the performance side...). He's finding that that isn't working now and that what's required is DOING not talking about doing.

I'm trying my best to reinforce this, but it's hard because I've bought into his talk, along with numerous teachers and such, over the years. I suppose his anger is justifyable, now that no one, especially me, is buying into his talk anymore.

His response was that, if I wouldn't talk to his PO, then he didn't want us to visit him and wouldn't be seeing us until his program is complete and he is home for good. This is so obviously another one of his tactics to try to hurt me/us that it's almost laughable except that it still hurts--but not TOO much. Mostly, I feel sorry for him that, after almost five months in his program, he's STILL looking to shift the consequences of his actions onto everyone else.

I was already feeling pretty discouraged, but now I feel even more so...DDD, we need a pity party!

 

[kris]

<span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style="color: #6600CC"> i've read your posts with-interest tho i haven't responded much.

while i see your son making very little progress i really must give you kudos. YOU have made tremendous progress. not only do your recognize his BS you seem to be able to resist the urge to fall into it.

CONGRATULATIONS, CA MOM! good job. don't let him push your buttons.

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[DDD]

You are doing an outstanding job!

Do you mind if I reiterate just once?? LOL!

Pull out your index card and read to difficult child: "If YOU feel that it
is best, Dad and I will follow your lead. We have confidence
that YOU can make wise decisions." Period.

Honestly....it might very well be the best choice for him AND
it would take alot of pressure off of you all. Hugs. DDD

 

[DDD]

by the way...not to be morbid...in "big boy jail" phone calls are only
allowed collect to a land line (with permission) and the phone
disconnects after X minutes. No difficult child controls anything and NO
parent does either.

Geez, I wish I didn't know this stuff! DDD

 

[SunnyFlorida]

Hi again...back from my trip to S.A Texas.

Sounds like your difficult child "thinks" he can still manipulate you with his comment about "not seeing him until his program is over". Wow...isn't he in for a big surprise :smile:

Hopefully now that the power shift is more in your hands rather than his...it won't take him too long to figure out he's got to change what he's doing. But then....we've all got some stubborn difficult child's out there!

 

[CAmom]

Kris, sadly, it doesn't seem that he's learning much and he certainly is trying to push those buttons (after all, he installed them...).

I'm so discouraged for him but am coming around to accepting the fact that this is probably how he's going to live his life. I no longer believe that there is anything my husband and I can do to change his thinking and behavior patterns.

If he IS going to have a lightbulb moment (and the chance of that is looking pretty dim at the moment), it's going to happen there or at some other facility.

 

[CAmom]

Sunny, It seems that he does still think he can manipulate me. And, as strong as I'm able to be when I talk or write to him, I'm still crying myself to sleep at night, but not as often.

It helps that I've taken a step or two back and can really see my son now for the selfish, unreasonable, manipulator he is (at least at this point in his life) rather than my helpless baby.

I just HOPE, again, now that there's no one who will buy into his BS anymore, he will have to look at himself as the cause/solution of his problems.

 

[CAmom]

DDD, you will be happy to hear that, after my son dropped his "bombshell" about not seeing us until he completes his program my response was, "Honey, if that's what you feel is best..."

His capacity for spite and nastiness staggers me sometimes when I think about how he's known only love his entire life.

 

[CAmom]

PS DDD, when my son spent three weeks in Juvenile Hall, he was allowed only one call a week, and that was also to a landline number (ours) which was checked out. We were able to visit him for one hour every Sunday. All the kids sat on one side of long tables, and parents sat on the other side. Holding hands and touching of any kind was highly discourged, although the guards mostly turned a blind eye to my son and I holding hands.
Anytime they rose from a sitting position, they were required to keep their hands behind their backs.

I've never been involved in the legal system in my life, other than some speeding tickets as a teenager, and I was HORRIFIED. My son had never been involved in it either, and he was miserable. I truly believed that that stay would be all he needed to keep him on the straight and narrow.

It was the happiest day in his life when he left JH to his group home where life is really rather normal, compared to JH. Sadly, the experience didn't seem to be enough, because he is STILL bucking the system.

 

[DDD]

Funny you are using the "bucking" expression. That absolutely is
a "system" word. It also is a darn accurate description!

I am P R O U D of your response. Really it is 99.9% appropriate
whether he "gets it" or not.

You're doing great. DDD

 

[TYLERFAN]

I know what you mean Ephchap, there seems to be a group of people who can do drugs for a while and go off them completely and it doesn't make their lives a mess. Having said that....it is true that our difficult child's are among those truly addicted and held by the constant temptation that the drug life seems to offer them...
That this disease is a lifelong challenge for those who are in difficult child's category. It is hard for them truly hard. I don't like it but I understand the mentality of it.
The trick for us...is to remain standing when everything else is falling in around us. I am so glad we help each other do that here.....Thank God for this board. :kisses:

Blessings,
Melissa

 

[CAmom]

I'll second that, Melissa!

 

[kris]

<span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style="color: #663366"> the next time he threatens you with-not *allowing* visitation i'd tell him, "thanks for that, dear. the constant driving has been wearing dad & i out. we can use the break."

kris </span> </span> </span>

 

[TYLERFAN]

Good One Kris :rofl:

Blessings,
Melissa