What I was afraid of...
- Thread starter CAmom
- Start date
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Hi, CAMom. Wow, you've come far!!! I so agree with Kris. When our kids get to that age (17/up) they become responsible for their actions, and we can't help them unless they want help. I'm so glad that you are no longer blaming yourself or making excuses for him (by the way, I did the same with my daughter--and I never thought she was using drugs either--somebody's stupid!!!) My daughter also took over-the-counter drugs that had "high" effects. Ephredrine (possibly spelled wrong) is one I know of. They are being a lot more careful now and selling this stuff behind the counter and making you sign up when you buy it, at least in Mid-Wisconsin. Drug abuse statistic are appalling, but when it's in the biological family, I agree that it makes it even more important that the kid NOT start--they could have a weakness for alcohol/drugs that others may not have, as you've already figured out. Four of my kids were adopted, and the one who used drugs has an unknown history because she came from Korea. My two still at home have histories of drug abuse in their bio. famlies. I have told them the extra risk to them if they even dabble. My ten year old worries me (yes, I'm already worried). She is very social and likes to act "cool" and it scares me to death. Anyway, I'm glad you're doing better, even if your son isn't.
lovemysons
Well-Known Member
CAmom,
WOW, my oldest difficult child and your difficult child sure have Alot in commen. Mine was always told if he ever turned his negative mindset into a positive one that "The sky is the limit".
Mine is Highly manipulative, cunning, socially on cue, very clever young man with remarkable verbal skills, though like yours, his academic efforts did not match. That is, after I released him to his own efforts around 7th/8th grade, he began to fail or fall behind and also began to use. Before that, I needed him to make A's and B's only. I find that much of who I wanted mine to be was about me not him. Mine is doing quite well without dad and I in his life now.
I think it's a really good idea to let them own their relationship with their PO's too without our interference. Saving them from consequences has only made things worse for mine.
In any event, I think you have been holding up really well under the kind of emotional manipulation card your difficult child has tried to play in the past, or recently. It is SO hard to not buy into it, we want so desperately to feel that bond, you have my sympathies as to the heartache.
Stay strong...you can do it, it's good for difficult child too, really. Long run payoffs. I wish I had "caught on" sooner...SO much sooner.
With care,
lovemysons
WOW, my oldest difficult child and your difficult child sure have Alot in commen. Mine was always told if he ever turned his negative mindset into a positive one that "The sky is the limit".
Mine is Highly manipulative, cunning, socially on cue, very clever young man with remarkable verbal skills, though like yours, his academic efforts did not match. That is, after I released him to his own efforts around 7th/8th grade, he began to fail or fall behind and also began to use. Before that, I needed him to make A's and B's only. I find that much of who I wanted mine to be was about me not him. Mine is doing quite well without dad and I in his life now.
I think it's a really good idea to let them own their relationship with their PO's too without our interference. Saving them from consequences has only made things worse for mine.
In any event, I think you have been holding up really well under the kind of emotional manipulation card your difficult child has tried to play in the past, or recently. It is SO hard to not buy into it, we want so desperately to feel that bond, you have my sympathies as to the heartache.
Stay strong...you can do it, it's good for difficult child too, really. Long run payoffs. I wish I had "caught on" sooner...SO much sooner.
With care,
lovemysons
Mikey
Psycho Gorilla Dad
Hi CAmom. I'm new here, but it sure sounds like your difficult child and mine were separated at birth. Like yours, my son is a master at spinning yarns to get what he wants. He brags about spending "hours" working up a lie to get around our cufew limits and go to parties. Like you, we bought into his verbal traps for so long that he now gets mad when we wise up to what he's doing and don't play along.
And like you, I think, I feel somewhat guilty for not catching on sooner to what he was doing; that if I'd figured it out earlier that he wouldn't have the expectation now that he should get whatever he wants, as long as he can mount a good verbal defense for his behaviour! And that is what's happening. It doesn't matter that we're the Parents; if we don't have a good enough "excuse" for what we enforce, then he disregards it.
I don't have any words of wisdom to help, only words of support and understanding. The hardest thing I'm having to learn is that my 17yo difficult child is now choosing his own path, and unless I'm willing to completely separate him from my family, then I'm merely a specatator and cheerleader.
I don't remember where I read this, and may not have it exactly right, but lately I keep coming back to it:
When children are small, parents are caregivers; there to meet their needs, protect them from harm, and help them safely learn to explore the world.
When children are older, parents become coaches; there to teach, give direction, and formulate plans on how to "play the game". But some leeway is now given to the child on decisions.
When children become tweens/young teens, parents become maps. Children don't want someone telling them what to do, but they do want someone to help them find their way to what they want.
Finally, when children become older teens/adults, parents become guideposts. Unlike a map, Guideposts are only used when you're lost and trying to find your way. At this point in life, the child is now making their own decisions and using their own maps. They only look to their parents - their guideposts - when things aren't working out, and they need help.
For me, it was hard because with my difficult child we never made it to the "map" phase, and instead went from being a coach to being a guidepost almost overnight. Still working though it, but some other wonderful folks have made some suggestions that I intend to follow up on.
Thoughts and prayers for you, and for us all.
Mikey
And like you, I think, I feel somewhat guilty for not catching on sooner to what he was doing; that if I'd figured it out earlier that he wouldn't have the expectation now that he should get whatever he wants, as long as he can mount a good verbal defense for his behaviour! And that is what's happening. It doesn't matter that we're the Parents; if we don't have a good enough "excuse" for what we enforce, then he disregards it.
I don't have any words of wisdom to help, only words of support and understanding. The hardest thing I'm having to learn is that my 17yo difficult child is now choosing his own path, and unless I'm willing to completely separate him from my family, then I'm merely a specatator and cheerleader.
I don't remember where I read this, and may not have it exactly right, but lately I keep coming back to it:
When children are small, parents are caregivers; there to meet their needs, protect them from harm, and help them safely learn to explore the world.
When children are older, parents become coaches; there to teach, give direction, and formulate plans on how to "play the game". But some leeway is now given to the child on decisions.
When children become tweens/young teens, parents become maps. Children don't want someone telling them what to do, but they do want someone to help them find their way to what they want.
Finally, when children become older teens/adults, parents become guideposts. Unlike a map, Guideposts are only used when you're lost and trying to find your way. At this point in life, the child is now making their own decisions and using their own maps. They only look to their parents - their guideposts - when things aren't working out, and they need help.
For me, it was hard because with my difficult child we never made it to the "map" phase, and instead went from being a coach to being a guidepost almost overnight. Still working though it, but some other wonderful folks have made some suggestions that I intend to follow up on.
Thoughts and prayers for you, and for us all.
Mikey
