What to do when they are missing...

[Elsi]

So, S is still missing...three weeks now with no communication. Phone off (or lost/deactivated - it was a burner). The last text I got from her was telling me she is sorry but she's "just not ready to get clean right now."

We had that moment of clarity, when she started her Medicaid application process and made some calls about rehab/sober living programs. She seemed to want it so badly for about a minute and a half there. Then, she just changed her mind. Never sent in the final information Medicaid needed to get her signed up. Didn't go in for the intake appointment at the rehab program.

She actually ended up in NYC with a "friend" for a bit, and then got stranded there when they fought. She was missing there for a few days, then I got a text that she was back in our state and would see me soon. Then the "just not ready" text. Then nothing.

I don't know if she's living with the coke dealer again, or on the streets, or...if something happened. I did break down and do the jail/hospital/morgue/police blotter search for any sign of her. Nothing. I don't know if she left the state again, or who she was with, or even where to begin searching for her. C hasn't heard anything from her either, and they know a lot of the same people. She's just...vanished.

I filed a missing person report last week. But I know no one is really looking. She's just one more missing addict in a city full of addicts.

And I don't know how to deal here. She's so tiny, so vulnerable, so fragile.

I'm trying to keep on moving, keep up with daily life and focus on what's in front of me. But my heart hurts. Everywhere I go, everything I do, her face is right there in front of me. It's been hard to come here and even write this down, because I don't want it to be real. And I don't know what to do with myself while I wait for some kind of answer.

 

[Beta]

Elsi,
I'm so sorry you're in this situation with your daughter. The hardest part is keeping our thoughts and emotions from going down roads they don't need to be at. Praying that your daughter is safe and will contact you soon. Praying for peace and support for you.

 

[RN0441]

So sorry to hear this.

The pain of not knowing can be unbearable.

If I were you and you do this, I'd pray for God to surround her with his safety net and bring her to a place where she is ready to deal with her disease.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh Elsi. This is the horror of being the parent of an addict. The not knowing where they are and if they are alive and relatively safe. This brought tears to my eyes thinking of you. So my heart is with you and please keep us posted.

 

[Tanya M]

Elsi, I wish more than anything that I had a magic answer for you. One of the hardest things we have to do is accept what is unacceptable. The words are easy to say but putting them into action takes time.

I've been where you are with my son. I have gone very long periods of time, many months, not knowing if he was alive or dead. Sadly, their concern is not for us and the hurt and desperation we feel needing to know that they are okay. Their concern is for themselves and the need to feed their habits.

The only thing that helped me to move on was to go through the grieving process and to accept the very worst could happen. I had to let go of the fear of the unknown as it was paralyzing me. I know how much it hurts and I know the fear but you need to take care of yourself.

I am so very sorry. ((HUGS))

 

[ahhjeez]

I'm so sorry Elsi. I can't even imagine how painful and terrifying this must be.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear elsi

I am writing something that may sound obtuse but nonetheless I feel it may give solace. She is missing from your vantage point. She is not missing from her own vantage point.

What do I mean?

One. You have ruled out most of the scariest alternatives.

Two. She has told you she is not ready. (Telling you clearly and straight out I see as growth and hopeful however we would want her to choose otherwise.) She has given you a way to frame her MIA status, however unsavory it is.

Three. She may feel shame and even conflict about her choices. This is a good thing! But it could be motivating her to stay away.

Four. On one level this is not about her. It is about you. And your decision to hold in your own mind a hopeful story. Or several of them.

Five. This is about you. Fundamentally. Can you find a place in yourself to posit safety. To declare it to be so. To make the maintenance of this steady state your highest priority, your most precious jewel.

Oh. I know how hard this is. The many months I had (have) of waking at 3 am in panic and agony; waking up depressed and needing an hour to burn off the fog.

My sons situation is unchanged. But I am changed. We can do this in ourselves.

Six. Yes. The worst happens. But most times it does not. We do not have to stay in that place. Yes we go there. We don't have to stay.

 

[Copabanana]

I want to put this in another way. We have to be our own center. They cannot be our center. If they become this we have lost ourselves. But not to worry. It is easy to get us back. Once we realize what we do.

It's just to pull back inside us to our own center of gravity. It is a practice.

Maybe everybody else already does this. But I'm only learning! It works.

 

[toughlovin]

Copa - you are an inspiration. Truly you have a way of looking at things in a positive light that has at times really helped me. I hope it helps Elsi now.

 

[Triedntrue]

Elsi i am so sorry. I know how difficult this must be for you. Prayers are with you and your daughter.

 

[Crayola13]

I think you were right to file a missing persons report. Like Copa said, you've ruled out all the worst case scenarios, and your daughter probably wasn't ready to face you because she knows you won't approve of her not ready to get clean. Every addict has to be ready. It has to be in her own time. All addicts know they need to give up drugs and that they have to do it for their families, but until they want to do it for themselves, they may not succeed.

We have such a major epidemic in our city right now. The DA just released a report, and the situation actually improved in the past two years. However, things are still very bad.

The addicted brain thinks it cannot stop using or drinking. That is what drugs do to the brain chemistry. The mental and emotional chemistry is forever changed. I think those twelve step programs have a high failure rate, so I don't know why the twelve step programs are still the main treatment method. There are other forms of treatment, but the majority of treatment centers don't seem to provide those.

I know you're scared for your daughter. She's probably just ashamed because she let you down.

 

[elizabrary]

Hi Elsi- I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how horrible it can be as my daughter did a similar disappearing act some years ago when she went to Ohio with-her baby daughter to live with a guy she met online. I think that was the point where I had to learn to put my focus on myself and my life rather than her. It was very hard and took lots of work. I'm not religious at all, so praying wasn't for me. However, I believe in the power of energy and intention, so each night before I went to bed I would send out positive loving energy to her and my granddaughter, wherever they were. I would get an image of them in my head and surround them with a beautiful colored light and then push it out there into the universe. Did it do any good? I don't know, but it gave me some peace and comfort. Sending peace and positive energy your way.

 

[Elsi]

Thank you all. You are all such a lifeline for me.

We have to be our own center. They cannot be our center. If they become this we have lost ourselves.

Very true. Thank you for the reminder, and for all your wisdom.

She's probably just ashamed because she let you down.

I think you’re right.

each night before I went to bed I would send out positive loving energy to her and my granddaughter, wherever they were. I would get an image of them in my head and surround them with a beautiful colored light and then push it out there into the universe. Did it do any good? I don't know, but it gave me some peace and comfort.

This is beautiful. I’m not good at praying, either, but I can do this. I will do this now.

 

[CareTooMuch]

Elsi, I can't imagine what you're going through and how much your heart must hurt but know all of us are here to help support you. Prayers that you at least find out something soon, but try to live your life while you're waiting. Hugs ..

 

[Tanya M]

She is missing from your vantage point. She is not missing from her own vantage point.

What do I mean?

One. You have ruled out most of the scariest alternatives.

Two. She has told you she is not ready. (Telling you clearly and straight out I see as growth and hopeful however we would want her to choose otherwise.) She has given you a way to frame her MIA status, however unsavory it is.

Three. She may feel shame and even conflict about her choices. This is a good thing! But it could be motivating her to stay away.

Four. On one level this is not about her. It is about you. And your decision to hold in your own mind a hopeful story. Or several of them.

Five. This is about you. Fundamentally. Can you find a place in yourself to posit safety. To declare it to be so. To make the maintenance of this steady state your highest priority, your most precious jewel.

Oh. I know how hard this is. The many months I had (have) of waking at 3 am in panic and agony; waking up depressed and needing an hour to burn off the fog.

My sons situation is unchanged. But I am changed. We can do this in ourselves.

Six. Yes. The worst happens. But most times it does not. We do not have to stay in that place. Yes we go there. We don't have to stay.

Copa, this is outstanding!!

 

[Tired out]

Elsi, Prayers that she surfaces and lets you know she is okay. I know we all say, "take care of you". We do have to take care of ourselves. But regardless we still worry.
All I can do is let you know I am praying that you here for her and she is ok
Hugs sent your way.

 

[BusynMember]

Copa's response was perfect. And as loving as she is. And true.

Yes, to you she is missing but she knows where she is. If the worst had happened, somebody would have been notified.

I agree that she is probably involved in drugs, maybe even selling, and wants to hide from those who know her. Could be shame or fear of what others will say or just wanting to do these things privately.

If she has any ID at all somebody in the family would be notified if....the worst.....

Unfortunately cops dont look for adults that diligently since they are legally alliwed to disappear.

I truly hope and pray that she surfaces very soon.

Hugs and love.

 

[newstart]

Elsi, My heart goes out to you. I have gone long periods of time with no communication with my daughter. Years ago on Facebook it showed if the person signed in, that is the only way I knew my daughter was still alive. I would just picture her in my mind and surround her with God's healing light. That is the only way I knew how to help her and keep me calm but it is very hard, the not knowing.
I feel so sad for you because I have been there and it is overwhelming.

I send you love and understanding. The pain is real and raw. My deepest prayer is that you will get word from your daughter and that she tells you she has straighten out.