When my son was in about 5th grade, we were shopping and he stole a small plastic animal figurine and put it in his pocket. I found it later. This was our first experience with any shoplifting and we wanted to teach him a lesson. So I called the store, talked to the manager and he was so understanding with my need to teach son a lesson. He agreed to let us bring him back to the store with the toy, apologize, pay for it and he would also speak to our son. Being “in on it,” first he spoke to us, with son waiting outside the door, then he spoke to son alone. (We were outside the door and could hear everything). Afterward, he and son walked back out, and he told us he warned son that next time the police might have to be called and that he would let it go “this time.” We were grateful for the manager’s extra effort to help teach our son this much needed lesson.
Son was white as a ghost and shakin’ like a leaf! He said on the way home he was never going to let that happen again. All was well and good for about a month, then I started to hear that son was stealing things from classmates, teacher’s desk, teacher’s lounge, and here and there I would find evidence that he had shoplifted small items from stores when he was with me. The boy was sneaky and could put something into his pocket when you blinked! And he would wait for that moment when you were distracted to do so. The teachers were aware of this as well and watched him like a hawk. He was already in a school for kids with behavioral issues.
Fast forward to middle school, high school...he stole cellphones, Chromebooks—he stole one from a teacher and downloaded porn on it—could have gotten the teacher fired...and clothes and shoes that he hid in his locker at school...cds and dvds...not expensive items but nonetheless, he was committing a crime. He stole from Walmart and we begged them to at least talk to him but their policy with juveniles is unless the item is worth at least $500 (I think it was) they don’t bother! We still made him return the item, tell them he stole it and apologize. But what good did that do? It certainly didn’t seem to embarrass him, because he kept it up until he was caught and put in juvenile detention. And it even continued after that. He got banned from Walmart but would sneak over there anyway, just walking distance from his school. We tried counseling, residential treatment, a boot camp type program, intensive outpatient. Nothing worked.
It never ended, no matter what consequence we gave or how much trouble he got into at school or wherever. His impulsive need to take things always trumped any punishment or consequence. He is 18 now, no longer living in the home, but I feel if he really wanted something and thought he could get away with it, he would take it in a heartbeat, damn the consequences even though he’s now an adult and could get into serious trouble.
Not that this is an excuse, but he is adopted, drug/alcohol exposed in utero and is mildly impaired from it. I often wondered if the impulsiveness and that constant urge to sneak/steal with no regard for consequence was related. I have learned a lot about the brain since having him. His mother used crack and probably meth and drank during her first trimester, apparently when his brain was developing.
I totally agree with what the others in this thread have said about never letting misbehaviors go without a consequence. We were firmly committed to that with all our kids (3). Unfortunately, it seems some kids are just incapable of learning a lesson, no matter how hard you try. I am hoping for maturity to kick in, the two sides of the brain to come together or something—I don’t know what else we could have done or can do at this point other than continue to be a positive role model and hope it may someday rub off.
