Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
Ah. All the more reason to take Recovering's advice very much to heart.
Cedar
Cedar
When your adult child steals from you...
- Thread starter KayDay
- Start date
Echolette
Well-Known Member
Dad and MominMinn,
what you sons did is reprehensible, horrible behavior that cannot be explained away in any reasonable manner. We all recognize this story...years of an uncomfortable not to say dysfuntional relationship where you two accommodated, apologized, felt guilty, and thought that love would show the way...during which they were mean to you, took advantage of you financially and materially, and drained you emotionally. And then Something Big Hit, where even loving guilty, slippery slope mom and dad could see that what was happening, what the boys felt entitled to do, was totally totally wrong. So you snapped.
Dad, you did the right thing, the only thing you could do and still look at yourself in the morming, as a dad (yes to them as well as your younger two), spouse, man, person. People who treat you like that CANNOT STAY IN YOUR HOUSE. You can't wake up and go about your day with people like that there. They can't wake up and go about their lives if they think that sort of thing is ok, acceptable in anyway.
Having ridden this roller coaster for years, I know the regret and second guessing and tearful nights and days that comes with this sort of action, on their part and on yours. The sick stomach, aching eyes, head ache, unshed or shed tears. I am really really really sorry you are in that place now...but your actions are the one hope you have of getting through this state, moving beyond it, and not finding yourself in quite such a bad way again.
We all love our kids here. We are all mortally wounded by their behavior, their unwillingness to accept our love or our role-modelling and parenting, we are mortally wounded by who they are turning out to be (I make that active because I too still hope this is a process and my difficult child will magically turn out some differnt way in the end. He won't. Others may. )
So you found a good place. We will help you, listen to you, stand with you.
Keep posting, and good luck.
Echo
what you sons did is reprehensible, horrible behavior that cannot be explained away in any reasonable manner. We all recognize this story...years of an uncomfortable not to say dysfuntional relationship where you two accommodated, apologized, felt guilty, and thought that love would show the way...during which they were mean to you, took advantage of you financially and materially, and drained you emotionally. And then Something Big Hit, where even loving guilty, slippery slope mom and dad could see that what was happening, what the boys felt entitled to do, was totally totally wrong. So you snapped.
Dad, you did the right thing, the only thing you could do and still look at yourself in the morming, as a dad (yes to them as well as your younger two), spouse, man, person. People who treat you like that CANNOT STAY IN YOUR HOUSE. You can't wake up and go about your day with people like that there. They can't wake up and go about their lives if they think that sort of thing is ok, acceptable in anyway.
Having ridden this roller coaster for years, I know the regret and second guessing and tearful nights and days that comes with this sort of action, on their part and on yours. The sick stomach, aching eyes, head ache, unshed or shed tears. I am really really really sorry you are in that place now...but your actions are the one hope you have of getting through this state, moving beyond it, and not finding yourself in quite such a bad way again.
We all love our kids here. We are all mortally wounded by their behavior, their unwillingness to accept our love or our role-modelling and parenting, we are mortally wounded by who they are turning out to be (I make that active because I too still hope this is a process and my difficult child will magically turn out some differnt way in the end. He won't. Others may. )
So you found a good place. We will help you, listen to you, stand with you.
Keep posting, and good luck.
Echo
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
I heard the same kinds of things ~ almost word for word ~ from our son while he was addicted. Initially, I could not wrap my mind around where that kind of thinking on my son's part had come from.
When I got it, Dad in MN?
I was chilled to the bone.
I'm so sorry, but this is the underlying truth your sons are operating from.
Do you see it?
Cedar
Childofmine
one day at a time
My son has said chilling things like that as well. Standard protocol for difficult children I conclude.
Distance and separation are the answer.
And then working on ourselves and staying out of the way.
I am learning----slowly, slowly---that about 95 percent of the time (maybe higher closer to 97-98) I need to
Do nothing. Say nothing.
Let time take its time. As a communicator by profession, I have been slower than the average person in learning this and I still overtalk and overwrite to my difficult child.
But I am making progress and doing the best I can for today.
That is all we CAN do in the end.
Hang in there dad and mom in minn. Let go and let God have them now.
Go back to your life and the things that bring you peace and joy.
Distance and separation are the answer.
And then working on ourselves and staying out of the way.
I am learning----slowly, slowly---that about 95 percent of the time (maybe higher closer to 97-98) I need to
Do nothing. Say nothing.
Let time take its time. As a communicator by profession, I have been slower than the average person in learning this and I still overtalk and overwrite to my difficult child.
But I am making progress and doing the best I can for today.
That is all we CAN do in the end.
Hang in there dad and mom in minn. Let go and let God have them now.
Go back to your life and the things that bring you peace and joy.
Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
It is such a small step from stealing someone's things because they are gone to stealing someone's things whether they are there, or not.
There is an element of dehumanization, of depersonalization, in what your boys did.
Cedar
There is an element of dehumanization, of depersonalization, in what your boys did.
Cedar
Tiredof33
Active Member
That is one of the things I had to work to accept, really accept. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt from my marriage and their dad walking out. I was over looking the many adults that had very good childhoods and still act just as bad as my difficult child does.
It all goes back to their choices!
