Marguerite
Active Member
Denial is the first stage of grief. Sometimes the people most in denial and unable to move on are the ones closest. Her first comments to you could have been prompted by her own fears as well as perhaps sounding out how safe she was in expressing her fears.
Good for you in being open, informative but also not judgemental. I find her email to you very touching - she is afraid of what other people will think of HER child, in the event he turns out to have the very problems she fears most.
Living in fear is awful. Once she is less afraid she may be better equipped to face her fears and move beyond them.
I had to chuckle at your reference, terry, to the BiPolar (BP) friend who tells everyone - difficult child 1 happily told everyone that he had Asperger's Syndrome and was granted a disability pension while still at school - he had no idea just how much resentment and fear this prompted. Fear, from classmates and teachers who didn't understand, and resentment from taxpayers who saw no disability, just someone taking advantage of the system (as they saw it). Even my best friend has often expressed her own resentment at his pension and what he chose to spend it on. She didn't understand the longer-term problems, nor how he had to learn the hard way how to live. She only saw the public side of him, the side that seemed to function perfectly well. She didn't see how much effort it took to get him to function so well. Not could she understand why it was almost impossible to get him into the workforce - she could only see a young man behaving immaturely, not trying to manage his own affairs (as she saw it) and having a holiday at taxpayers' expense.
She got it very wrong indeed, it has been a topic I've had to avoid because there was no way I could make her understand. Although she is my best friend, there are topics we have to both avoid, in order to continue our friendship. I know with her, all I have to do is wait and her point of view will change in time. Even if she won't hear things from me, eventually she hears enough from other people that helps her change her mind.
People are far from perfect. Sometimes we can speak up (because it will be effective) and sometimes discretion is the better part of valour.
Marg
Good for you in being open, informative but also not judgemental. I find her email to you very touching - she is afraid of what other people will think of HER child, in the event he turns out to have the very problems she fears most.
Living in fear is awful. Once she is less afraid she may be better equipped to face her fears and move beyond them.
I had to chuckle at your reference, terry, to the BiPolar (BP) friend who tells everyone - difficult child 1 happily told everyone that he had Asperger's Syndrome and was granted a disability pension while still at school - he had no idea just how much resentment and fear this prompted. Fear, from classmates and teachers who didn't understand, and resentment from taxpayers who saw no disability, just someone taking advantage of the system (as they saw it). Even my best friend has often expressed her own resentment at his pension and what he chose to spend it on. She didn't understand the longer-term problems, nor how he had to learn the hard way how to live. She only saw the public side of him, the side that seemed to function perfectly well. She didn't see how much effort it took to get him to function so well. Not could she understand why it was almost impossible to get him into the workforce - she could only see a young man behaving immaturely, not trying to manage his own affairs (as she saw it) and having a holiday at taxpayers' expense.
She got it very wrong indeed, it has been a topic I've had to avoid because there was no way I could make her understand. Although she is my best friend, there are topics we have to both avoid, in order to continue our friendship. I know with her, all I have to do is wait and her point of view will change in time. Even if she won't hear things from me, eventually she hears enough from other people that helps her change her mind.
People are far from perfect. Sometimes we can speak up (because it will be effective) and sometimes discretion is the better part of valour.
Marg
