Woke up to find a note from difficult child:
- Thread starter dashcat
- Start date
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Dash...You arent the only one who makes appointments. I still make Cory's appointments and it surprised me the first time when they actually let me set the appointment considering his age but they did. We actually go to the psychiatrist together so we just can fill one time slot with the psychiatrist. She gives us a two for one special...lol. Our situation is odd I know but we have to go to the next county to see this psychiatrist so doubling up just makes sense and cents.
dashcat
Member
Janet,
Thanks! You are lucky to get that deal!
Nancy,
When she was a senior in HS her therapist suspected BiPolar (BP) and I took her to a psychiatrist recommended by her therapist AND by a counselor at her school. I think if she'd continued seeing, it would have been different but I think she stopped when t was early enough in the emergence of what I am about 90% conviniced is bi-polar - that a definitive diagnosis could not be made. He did say that ADHD almost never exists in a vaccuum and that we were most likely dealing with some other condition. She stopped going at 18.
The mood swings are hapening with greater frequency and intensity, and she seems to completely lack any kind of cause/effect conscience and also lacks empathy...except when it benefits her to appear empathetic.
She is now declaring (on Tumblr, which she thinks I don't know about) that she is gay. Yes, my difficult child who has chased boys since pre-school - to the pojnt where parents called me and moms kept their kids away from her ... the same girl who has planned to marry (sometimes even with dates set) the last half dozen or so boyfriends ... now declares that she has always been a lesbian.
She went out last night with enabling friend, S, and two others to a gay bar. She supposedly has a new "love" but I've never heard her mention this girl and I'm pretty sure she lives out of state.
She's been horrid to the poor, suffering boyfriend (whom she completely blindsided). She's getting a ton of attention in her online world for her grand "coming out". She hasn't informed me, but I plan to simply shrug and give it not noe ounce of attention. For one thing, she's not sincere aoout this at all and - on behalf of the real gays and lesbians of the world - if frankly ticks me off. For another thing, I will not feed the attention monster when it comes to this.
I will be there for her and I hope and pray that she will get help before damaging any other human beings, but I cannot do a darned thing.
Today she will be job hunting...which of course she won't be. I have another full day of photo shoots tomorrow and I am going to send her over to where my studio used to be (I still own 1/2 the building, God help me for that dumb move) where she will spend the day cleaning up the weeds around the parking log.
I do think she was sincere when she wrote the note. I know her dark moods are real - just as her manic moods are real to her. But what I cannot deal with right now is her, in either state, hanging around here not working while I am.
Thanks! You are lucky to get that deal!
Nancy,
When she was a senior in HS her therapist suspected BiPolar (BP) and I took her to a psychiatrist recommended by her therapist AND by a counselor at her school. I think if she'd continued seeing, it would have been different but I think she stopped when t was early enough in the emergence of what I am about 90% conviniced is bi-polar - that a definitive diagnosis could not be made. He did say that ADHD almost never exists in a vaccuum and that we were most likely dealing with some other condition. She stopped going at 18.
The mood swings are hapening with greater frequency and intensity, and she seems to completely lack any kind of cause/effect conscience and also lacks empathy...except when it benefits her to appear empathetic.
She is now declaring (on Tumblr, which she thinks I don't know about) that she is gay. Yes, my difficult child who has chased boys since pre-school - to the pojnt where parents called me and moms kept their kids away from her ... the same girl who has planned to marry (sometimes even with dates set) the last half dozen or so boyfriends ... now declares that she has always been a lesbian.
She went out last night with enabling friend, S, and two others to a gay bar. She supposedly has a new "love" but I've never heard her mention this girl and I'm pretty sure she lives out of state.
She's been horrid to the poor, suffering boyfriend (whom she completely blindsided). She's getting a ton of attention in her online world for her grand "coming out". She hasn't informed me, but I plan to simply shrug and give it not noe ounce of attention. For one thing, she's not sincere aoout this at all and - on behalf of the real gays and lesbians of the world - if frankly ticks me off. For another thing, I will not feed the attention monster when it comes to this.
I will be there for her and I hope and pray that she will get help before damaging any other human beings, but I cannot do a darned thing.
Today she will be job hunting...which of course she won't be. I have another full day of photo shoots tomorrow and I am going to send her over to where my studio used to be (I still own 1/2 the building, God help me for that dumb move) where she will spend the day cleaning up the weeds around the parking log.
I do think she was sincere when she wrote the note. I know her dark moods are real - just as her manic moods are real to her. But what I cannot deal with right now is her, in either state, hanging around here not working while I am.
I think they are twins, our difficult children. Mine went through the gay stage too, posting on her fb about her friends, posting pics of her and girls kissing, making her fb status something I don't remember now but in effect saying she was a lesbian. In fact I'm quite sure she got and std from a girl she was in rehab with. That didn't last long because she loves guys too much, and sex. That's the thing, I think our difficult children are so addicted to sex they will say anything if that is giving them what they want.
Your difficult child does sound like she is cycling fast. I always suspected my difficult child was bipolar but if she is she cycles very infrequently and doesn't have the extreme lows or highs for that matter unless she is strung out on drugs.
Nancy
Your difficult child does sound like she is cycling fast. I always suspected my difficult child was bipolar but if she is she cycles very infrequently and doesn't have the extreme lows or highs for that matter unless she is strung out on drugs.
Nancy
dashcat
Member
She used to cycle infrequently and, though her highs were sky high, her lows weren't very low. That's how she managed to fly under the radar for so long. Her dad still thinks episodes like her leaving college to run off with I guy she met on the internet, had never met and "knew" for three weeks was typical teen behavior. Most of her less serious manic episodes did appear that way.
You are so right about the sex addiction. She'll go great guns with the girls until she gets tired of it and then she'll start speculating t that she might actually be straight and the guys will be lining up to prove that they are the "one" to help her to see the light. And back again. The combination of sex and drama are irrestible to her.
The truly funny thing about this is that my difficult child really does not like women. And I mean that in the sense that she does not relate to or get along terribly well with females. On my side of the family there is onlyl one male cousin - and he's gay. She does not talk to any of her girl cousins on either side outside of family gatherings ...and the, reluctantly. She is close to the gay cousin and, on her dad's side, she only hangs with the guy cousins. She has excatly one female friend - the crazy, enabling S, and they fight like cats. She had two good friends in HS (but these girls didn't know each other) and theyr eally hung in there with her. She burned both of those bridges evenutally.
And, Nancy, we better hope and pray that the very real possiblity that our difficult child's could meet never happens....
You are so right about the sex addiction. She'll go great guns with the girls until she gets tired of it and then she'll start speculating t that she might actually be straight and the guys will be lining up to prove that they are the "one" to help her to see the light. And back again. The combination of sex and drama are irrestible to her.
The truly funny thing about this is that my difficult child really does not like women. And I mean that in the sense that she does not relate to or get along terribly well with females. On my side of the family there is onlyl one male cousin - and he's gay. She does not talk to any of her girl cousins on either side outside of family gatherings ...and the, reluctantly. She is close to the gay cousin and, on her dad's side, she only hangs with the guy cousins. She has excatly one female friend - the crazy, enabling S, and they fight like cats. She had two good friends in HS (but these girls didn't know each other) and theyr eally hung in there with her. She burned both of those bridges evenutally.
And, Nancy, we better hope and pray that the very real possiblity that our difficult child's could meet never happens....
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dashcat
Member
Read your post and realized I'd totally dropped my train of thought about women friends in my prior post...leaving it with a weird non-sequitar about a gay guy cousin! I edited it for clarity.
Noticed crazy, enabling S posted something very negative on FB. Could be about difficult child ...not sure.
I've got a feeling the next week or so will be a very bumpy ride. Maybe the good that will come out of it will be that she will seek help ina meaningful way. From what I can see, the jig is up with a lot of people recently. Even Mr. Ostrich called her on the fact that she was at his place last week one day when she said she was job hunting. Shock of shocks.
Noticed crazy, enabling S posted something very negative on FB. Could be about difficult child ...not sure.
I've got a feeling the next week or so will be a very bumpy ride. Maybe the good that will come out of it will be that she will seek help ina meaningful way. From what I can see, the jig is up with a lot of people recently. Even Mr. Ostrich called her on the fact that she was at his place last week one day when she said she was job hunting. Shock of shocks.
Calamity Jane
Well-Known Member
Dash,
I'm old enough to remember Patty Duke, and there was a period in I think the early 70's when to everyone observing it, it looked like she was on drugs, or was drinking, was a drama queen, etc. At that time, most people her age experimented with drugs anyway, but her reputation really suffered. She made a rambling, nutty speech at an awards show, she got pregnant with Desi Arnaz Jr.'s baby, she was hypersexual, and had a lot of drama in her life. Everyone chalked it up to her being a temperamental actress with attention seeking self destructive behavior. She ticked off directors and actor colleagues with her lateness, mood swings, etc.
Turns out she was bipolar, was diagnosed many years later, and she was suffering all that time. She spoke candidly about it and has been successfully in treatment for a long time, and she speaks out to help others. When I think about your daughter's note, then her coming home and singing at the top of her lungs, then her Tumblr post, it just reminded me of Patty Duke for some reason. I hope this time, your daughter. continues with the sessions long enough to get a handle on what her real issue is. Hugs to you, Dash, it's gotta be a rollercoaster for you.
I'm old enough to remember Patty Duke, and there was a period in I think the early 70's when to everyone observing it, it looked like she was on drugs, or was drinking, was a drama queen, etc. At that time, most people her age experimented with drugs anyway, but her reputation really suffered. She made a rambling, nutty speech at an awards show, she got pregnant with Desi Arnaz Jr.'s baby, she was hypersexual, and had a lot of drama in her life. Everyone chalked it up to her being a temperamental actress with attention seeking self destructive behavior. She ticked off directors and actor colleagues with her lateness, mood swings, etc.
Turns out she was bipolar, was diagnosed many years later, and she was suffering all that time. She spoke candidly about it and has been successfully in treatment for a long time, and she speaks out to help others. When I think about your daughter's note, then her coming home and singing at the top of her lungs, then her Tumblr post, it just reminded me of Patty Duke for some reason. I hope this time, your daughter. continues with the sessions long enough to get a handle on what her real issue is. Hugs to you, Dash, it's gotta be a rollercoaster for you.
Will she let you go to a therapist session with her? Thinking it might be worth talking to her together, perhaps to discuss the living situation and goals for transitioning difficult child to live on her own. You could broach the subject of her mood swings once you're there.
dashcat
Member
It's very much worth a try, Crazy. it might be especially useful since we are clashing over the jobless thing right now. Our energies could certainly be better (more constructively) spent.
CJane, I really needed to read your post. I remember the Patty Duke thing very well (and the irony of her having portrayed polar-opposite twins for so many years). I haven't read her book, but I will put it on my library hold list.
The reason I need to read about her is that I have to work especially hard right now to marshall my empathy. The situation with my daughter is very frustrating for me, but she is the one who is living it. I know she is scared and confused and I know she needs more compassion than judgement. Going to FA meetings is helping me to work out the kinks of showing compassion while still keeping my boundaries and learning NOT to enable. It's a slippery slope, to say the least.
I'm so glad I have this place where I can vent about the rollercoaster. It's been a heck of a ride so far this week. We've all been there at one time or another.
Dash
CJane, I really needed to read your post. I remember the Patty Duke thing very well (and the irony of her having portrayed polar-opposite twins for so many years). I haven't read her book, but I will put it on my library hold list.
The reason I need to read about her is that I have to work especially hard right now to marshall my empathy. The situation with my daughter is very frustrating for me, but she is the one who is living it. I know she is scared and confused and I know she needs more compassion than judgement. Going to FA meetings is helping me to work out the kinks of showing compassion while still keeping my boundaries and learning NOT to enable. It's a slippery slope, to say the least.
I'm so glad I have this place where I can vent about the rollercoaster. It's been a heck of a ride so far this week. We've all been there at one time or another.
Dash
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Dash...do you want some personal experience? Maybe this is some sort of female bipolar thing or a manifestation of borderline but I was convinced for several years that I was either gay or bisexual. Heck I am not sure even now that I am not bisexual but I am in a long term monogamous relationship with a man. I have no clue what would happen if we werent together. I cant say since I have been with him since I was 2 when I left that lifestyle.
I was into boys in a big way until a girl started paying a ton of attention to me at the age of 18. I think the operative word here is that I was into anyone who paid attention to me and filled that part of me that was missing inside me. Of course none of it lasted. Nothing could fill what was missing because it came from a lifetime of abuse. I had to fix myself before I could ever love anyone or accept love. Girls also felt a bit safer because its a different type of relationship. Yes it is shocking and some of that is for the shock value but also girls can understand each other in ways guys just cant. Most likely this is a passing phase. Dont give her much of a reaction. For god's sake dont do what my mother did and forbid her to see this person because that will just drive her more deeply into the forbidden. My mom and the other girls parents freaked out which was really stupid. The other girl was a lifelong lesbian and she came after me but her mother blamed me. Both sets of parents took our cars away from us. That is why we were walking home from school on that fateful day and got kidnapped and raped. If they had just left us alone none of that would have happened. I know without a doubt we would have gone our separate ways probably not long after that because I was scheduled to go to college. She wasnt. I would have probably striven for a long distance relationship but this was 1980 and that never works. I would have moved on and so would she. I have no doubt I would have met someone in college. Instead things worked out in awful ways. I have no idea where she is now but my life went to hell in a hand basket.
Ok, another secret out of the bag.
I was into boys in a big way until a girl started paying a ton of attention to me at the age of 18. I think the operative word here is that I was into anyone who paid attention to me and filled that part of me that was missing inside me. Of course none of it lasted. Nothing could fill what was missing because it came from a lifetime of abuse. I had to fix myself before I could ever love anyone or accept love. Girls also felt a bit safer because its a different type of relationship. Yes it is shocking and some of that is for the shock value but also girls can understand each other in ways guys just cant. Most likely this is a passing phase. Dont give her much of a reaction. For god's sake dont do what my mother did and forbid her to see this person because that will just drive her more deeply into the forbidden. My mom and the other girls parents freaked out which was really stupid. The other girl was a lifelong lesbian and she came after me but her mother blamed me. Both sets of parents took our cars away from us. That is why we were walking home from school on that fateful day and got kidnapped and raped. If they had just left us alone none of that would have happened. I know without a doubt we would have gone our separate ways probably not long after that because I was scheduled to go to college. She wasnt. I would have probably striven for a long distance relationship but this was 1980 and that never works. I would have moved on and so would she. I have no doubt I would have met someone in college. Instead things worked out in awful ways. I have no idea where she is now but my life went to hell in a hand basket.
Ok, another secret out of the bag.
dashcat
Member
Janet,
I very much appreciate your insights. I am well aware that my difficult child is trying desperately to fill a hole inside of her. It could be due to her struggles as an adoptee, from what I suspect to be her bipolar condition .. or who knows what. All I kjow is that it is there and she has been in literally dozens of relationships - all of high intenscity on her part - in a futile attempt to make herself whole through finding "love" in some form or another.
She may or may not reveal this to me. Much of it depends on how long this particular chapter lasts. The gay relationships in the past have been intense, very short and secret ...the secrecy being half the fun for her I suspect. If she does tel me, I have every intention of giving it a shrug and an ok ...just like I did with her various body rings and tattoos. I know better than to react.
You are dead right about the attention, in my opinion. She revels in the attention she's getting right now on Tumblr from guys (Let me prove to you that you need a man) and women (you're so beautiful, I know I can make you happy. Give me a try). When the attentioin wanes from the gay side, she'll be back to guys. Authentic born-that-way gay people do not spend insane amounts of their lives chasing and acquiring partners of the opposite sex. To say my daughter was/is obsessed with men ...all her life ... is no exaggeration.
I do know and understand that she is deeply conflicted and confused right now. All of her behavior indicates that her mind is all over the place. I'm trying - above all things - to keep that in perspective.
I also wanted you to know I'm terribly sorry about the struggles you had with this - and, expecially ,for the chain of events that caused you so much pain.
I very much appreciate your insights. I am well aware that my difficult child is trying desperately to fill a hole inside of her. It could be due to her struggles as an adoptee, from what I suspect to be her bipolar condition .. or who knows what. All I kjow is that it is there and she has been in literally dozens of relationships - all of high intenscity on her part - in a futile attempt to make herself whole through finding "love" in some form or another.
She may or may not reveal this to me. Much of it depends on how long this particular chapter lasts. The gay relationships in the past have been intense, very short and secret ...the secrecy being half the fun for her I suspect. If she does tel me, I have every intention of giving it a shrug and an ok ...just like I did with her various body rings and tattoos. I know better than to react.
You are dead right about the attention, in my opinion. She revels in the attention she's getting right now on Tumblr from guys (Let me prove to you that you need a man) and women (you're so beautiful, I know I can make you happy. Give me a try). When the attentioin wanes from the gay side, she'll be back to guys. Authentic born-that-way gay people do not spend insane amounts of their lives chasing and acquiring partners of the opposite sex. To say my daughter was/is obsessed with men ...all her life ... is no exaggeration.
I do know and understand that she is deeply conflicted and confused right now. All of her behavior indicates that her mind is all over the place. I'm trying - above all things - to keep that in perspective.
I also wanted you to know I'm terribly sorry about the struggles you had with this - and, expecially ,for the chain of events that caused you so much pain.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
Dash...that is why Im on this board and try to help people to understand their kids. Obviously mine are old enough for me to be long gone. I think I have a unique perspective as I feel I understand so many of these kids. I see myself in parts of lots of the kids. I did use drugs as a teen but that was in the 70's and I was just a follower and if I had found a different group to accept me I dont think I would have ever used them. That was just the group that took me in. As soon as I grew up, I quit drugs and became an adult. I had to, I had kids to take care of. There were no rehabs back then. I even knew I shouldnt be around the people I was around and begged my parents to send me to boarding school but they refused. That was a huge mistake on their part. I think I would be a different person today if they had. Oh heck if someone had just removed me from my family at any point in my life I would have had a fighting chance. I know everyone says you shouldnt keep looking back and blaming what is going on in your adult life with what happened in your childhood but when what happened then actually caused some of my issues, its hard. Oh well. Im trying hard. Helping others helps me.
