Worried about daughter

[Lovebeingamom]

My 19-year-old daughter is a college student and has always been a high academic performer. She also has a history of depression/anxiety and has been managing this and no longer on medications or in therapy. In March she had to leave university due to the pandemic and come back home and do online classes. She had a boyfriend she meet in college and this meant they would now be 700 miles apart from each other due to the school closure. In April, he unexpectedly broke things off with her and she has been devastated. She had to return to school in September because she has two classes that meet in person. This would mean that she and ex-boyfriend are now just 90 miles apart. I think she was hoping to reconcile, but that has not happened. I see her going into a depression over all of this and she is having a hard time focusing on her academics. She had a week break from school and came home, but said she felt better being on campus and returned. I am so worried about her constantly that is taking a toll on me. I worry that she is becoming more depressed. She said she does not want to see a doctor or go to therapy and at the age of 19 there are limits on what I can do.

 

[newstart]

Lovebeingamom, I am so sorry for your heartache and worry. I have been where you are with my daughter many times. So many of my friends would tell me not to worry but I could not help it. We live in American and my daughter went to a private college in Brisbane, Australia. I think that when she left for college I was so wore out with her. She is bipolar/borderline, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), paranoid and anxiety. This was a time that I truly had to let go and let God. I must admit I worried but she did ok at college.
I am just so sorry you are going through this rough time. I hope there is a way you can communicate with her, hear the tone of her voice so you can judge how she is doing. She might get comfort just being at college and around people her age. I wish you peace.

 

[Lovebeingamom]

Lovebeingamom, I am so sorry for your heartache and worry. I have been where you are with my daughter many times. So many of my friends would tell me not to worry but I could not help it. We live in American and my daughter went to a private college in Brisbane, Australia. I think that when she left for college I was so wore out with her. She is bipolar/borderline, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)), paranoid and anxiety. This was a time that I truly had to let go and let God. I must admit I worried but she did ok at college.
I am just so sorry you are going through this rough time. I hope there is a way you can communicate with her, hear the tone of her voice so you can judge how she is doing. She might get comfort just being at college and around people her age. I wish you peace.

Thank you so much for your kind words Newstart. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. I am glad that your daughter did okay so far away, that definitely had to be worrisome. I have been trying to turn things over to God, problem is that I keep taking it back....it's a work in progress for sure.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Lovebeingamom

Welcome!

there are limits on what I can do.

This is the hard part, but it is the truth. Your daughter is an adult. But she's your child. This is the reality that all of us have to negotiate.

I made the mistake of staying too involved for too long. I believed it was my role and responsibility to guide my son towards health, responsibility and purpose. I was wrong. This is his work. It's the work of his life.

And the work of my life is to let him. And to learn to tolerate the feelings that come up for me, as I let go. Learning to love from a distance, when there is not control has been hard for me. But I have come to the sense it's my only legitimate role.

Your daughter has strengths and resources. All of us have to come to grips with our own stories, as we make our lives. Most of us as young adults dealt with heartbreak in romance. We learned to be more cautious and to dedicate ourselves to growing ourselves and lives in ways where we had more control. I know that's what I did.

I am glad you posted. This site has been a real gift to me and to others. I hope you keep posting.

 

[Lovebeingamom]

Dear Lovebeingamom

Welcome!
This is the hard part, but it is the truth. Your daughter is an adult. But she's your child. This is the reality that all of us have to negotiate.

I made the mistake of staying to involved for too long. I believed it was my role and responsibility to guide my son towards health, responsibility and purpose. I was wrong. This is his work. It's the work of his life.

And the work of my life is to let him. And to learn to tolerate the feelings that come up for me, as I let go. Learning to love from a distance, when there is not control has been hard for me. But I have come to the sense it's my only legitimate role.

Your daughter has strengths and resources. All of us have to come to grips with our own stories, as we make our lives. Most of us as young adults dealt with heartbreak in romance. We learned to be more cautious and to dedicate ourselves to growing ourselves and lives in ways where we had more control. I know that's what I did.

I am glad you posted. This site has been a real gift to me and to others. I hope you keep posting.

Dear Copabanana,
I really appreciate your words and they have helped me so much this afternoon when my heart is feeling so heavy. Thank you for reminding me that she is an adult and she has strengths and resources. It is so hard to watch our children suffer, this heartbreak has been so hard on her. She is such a tender person, it's really tough watching her be destroyed (as she would say) by the unexpected breakup. I pray that she can find the strength to get through it. Thank you again for taking the time to reply to my post.

 

[Copabanana]

She is such a tender person

I was like that when I was your daughter's age and I am still! It's been a gift as well as a curse. And it's been my life's work to learn to stay on a more even keel, to be centered in myself, and to better protect myself. But this same capacity to feel has been the basis of a great understanding and empathy for others. All of my major choices in life came from this core part of my temperament and personality. Sensitivity and a tender heart have truly been a gift. But have I suffered. I still do.

And I have especially suffered as my son has suffered. With him, for him, and from him.

Little by little I am able to reel this back, as I grow in insight and self-control and as my purpose has shifted. Learning never stops. For your daughter and for me.

This is your work too, I believe.

Love, Copa

 

[Lovebeingamom]

I was like that when I was your daughter's age and I am still! It's been a gift as well as a curse. And it's been my life's work to learn to stay on a more even keel, to be centered in myself, and to better protect myself. But this same capacity to feel has been the basis of a great understanding and empathy for others. All of my major choices in life came from this core part of my temperament and personality. Sensitivity and a tender heart have truly been a gift. But have I suffered. I still do.

And I have especially suffered as my son has suffered. With him, for him, and from him.

Little by little I am able to reel this back, as I grow in insight and self-control and as my purpose has shifted. Learning never stops. For your daughter and for me.

This is your work too, I believe.

Love, Copa

Thank you Copa....yes, she is also very sensitive and she often wishes that she was not. It's been so hard and I also believe that there is much learning to be done from these life experiences, just wish they were not so crushing and debilitating for her. Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

 

[Copabanana]

ust wish they were not so crushing and debilitating for her.

Totally, I get how you must feel and I feel for her too. Believe me. I am old enough to be her grandmother, and when I think of this kind of vulnerability. wishing and wanting to be loved, and the fear that it would be withdrawn, just imagining it--feels unbearable.

And when my son has suffered loss, it is not only that I wish he wasn't so affected. I feel the distress in myself. I know.

I think your daughter did the healthy thing, to return to school. In her way she got back in the saddle. It is not a sure thing she will become depressed. It may be that she will be able to nurse her wounds, give it some time, find other things to focus on, and move beyond this. We don't know her depression will deepen. And she sounds like a smart girl. She may seek out therapy. But meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself. To identify ways that you can think and act that will help you not to be sad or excessively worry. In a sense your task is similar to hers. To try to find things to do, attitudes to hold that shelter and protect and nourish you.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome!

I'm so sorry to hear about your worry over your daughter and she is not close to home so it makes it harder.

We've all suffered from a broken heart at one time or another. It's an unfortunate part of life. She will learn from it.

I remember when my older son who was always a very good boy had his first love break up with him. He called me on the house phone (it was just the beginning of cell phones) and he was crying and I was like OMG what is wrong??? I thought he had been hurt!!! He told me and then I cried too. My heart broke for him. He was such a great guy. This was in high school. Fast forward he then met his true love and they got married last year and they are like two peas in a pod!!!

I was worried at that time because the teenage suicide rate was very high at that time. Thankfully he had good friends and he got through it.

I give things to God too and take them back. It's super annoying isn't it!! LOL

 

[Lovebeingamom]

Totally, I get how you must feel and I feel for her too. Believe me. I am old enough to be her grandmother, and when I think of this kind of vulnerability. wishing and wanting to be loved, and the fear that it would be withdrawn, just imagining it--feels unbearable.

And when my son has suffered loss, it is not only that I wish he wasn't so affected. I feel the distress in myself. I know.

I think your daughter did the healthy thing, to return to school. In her way she got back in the saddle. It is not a sure thing she will become depressed. It may be that she will be able to nurse her wounds, give it some time, find other things to focus on, and move beyond this. We don't know her depression will deepen. And she sounds like a smart girl. She may seek out therapy. But meanwhile, you need to take care of yourself. To identify ways that you can think and act that will help you not to be sad or excessively worry. In a sense your task is similar to hers. To try to find things to do, attitudes to hold that shelter and protect and nourish you.

Thank you, I needed to hear these words. I do need to give it time. I was concerned about her returning to school, because campus is very isolated right now....most students are in their hometowns doing distant learning, a small percentage have classes in person. I can relate how you felt distress when your son suffered a loss. It's been so hard on my daughter and also on myself to see her suffer. I know she has to be the one to go through it, but it sure is hard to watch you child be in pain and suffer. I agree that I need to find some new things to do so that I do not spend a lot of my days worrying if she is okay. She usually does text me at least once a day, so I appreciate those texts so much! Thanks again for your support.

 

[Lovebeingamom]

Welcome!

I'm so sorry to hear about your worry over your daughter and she is not close to home so it makes it harder.

We've all suffered from a broken heart at one time or another. It's an unfortunate part of life. She will learn from it.

I remember when my older son who was always a very good boy had his first love break up with him. He called me on the house phone (it was just the beginning of cell phones) and he was crying and I was like OMG what is wrong??? I thought he had been hurt!!! He told me and then I cried too. My heart broke for him. He was such a great guy. This was in high school. Fast forward he then met his true love and they got married last year and they are like two peas in a pod!!!

I was worried at that time because the teenage suicide rate was very high at that time. Thankfully he had good friends and he got through it.

I give things to God too and take them back. It's super annoying isn't it!! LOL

I am so glad things worked out for your son! I also worry, because the rate of suicide after a break-up in young people was shocking to me! I am still trying to give things over to God, but it sure is hard sometimes. I appreciate you taking the time to comment on m post and your kind words, thank you.