Yes I know this is our fault but need advice about contact...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Susan Wood, Jul 15, 2019.

  1. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    S,

    You may want to change your username, if that is your real last name.

    Most of us post anonymously, for the sake of privacy, since this is an open forum. We don’t want to open ourselves up to scammers who may be lurking.
     
  2. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    It isn't but I guess I should make it "more" anonymous? I don't know
     
  3. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    We bought her a house and then a mobile home, both which she and her idiot husband lost. Then we tried to help with rent. They wouldnt pay their small part. Then we noticed we were running out of money. We started Al Anon and stopped enabling. It is still hard. I feel like a horrible person if I think too hard.

    Do what you have to for yourself. We finally are. But its not easy.
     
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    If that isn’t your real last name, it is fine.

    We just don’t want our difficult kids/adults to be recognized (or realize that we are discussing them). Some of us say much more on this forum than we would want all of our extended family and friends to know. It’s a good place to vent. We also don’t want to invite scammers to look us up and take advantage of the situation.
     
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I’m so sorry to read of your health issues.

    Perhaps doubly because of those though, your son needs boundaries and to recognize , understand, accept and expect logical consequences.

    I would look to boarding or a no kill shelter for the animal.

    For our Difficult Child sometimes I give her a tiny bit of leeway, but that’s it. Beyond that can and often IS futile and foolish. It results in more outlandishly selfish behaviors. Your word is your bond. If you tell him you can’t have the dog past a certain day, then you can’t. Something should change. You might give him an extra day. Two days...No. He should start sweating when you give dates.

    Take care of yourself . If you aren’t doing so already, consider therapy at least for the short term.

    I hope you are planning a trip to beautiful NC.
     
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2019
  6. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    Omg I didn't even think about this. I told him he has to get his dog Tuesday (tomorrow) but he is flying ALL night tonight to get here tomorrow. I should have told him Wednesday to be reasonable. Crap. And I was so adamant:( Would it be bad to tell him to get a bus back to Maine where his mom lives for Wednesday? I screwed this one up. Is it bad to turn around and make him get on a bus tomorrow after he got here? Or is that unreasonable?
     
  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I definitely don't think it would be unreasonable to make him leave with the dog when he arrives tomorrow. Let him figure it out. He needs to rent a car and drive to Maine to stay with his mom. You and your husband have serious health problems and shouldn't have to deal with this. If you and your husband get evicted, the stress would send your health and his health into a downward spiral.

    My heart breaks for the dog because I tend to forget that animals are not human beings. Although I'm a cat person, and I can see that you have enormous compassion for this dog.

    Did you get into the doctor's office yet?
     
  8. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    Oh my. You are very sweet. I was just sitting here thinking that I was not really equipped to be a true "parent" here and have no clue what I am doing. I mean I never had kids and/or planned on raising them and it's so hard for me to make decisions that I think are right from where I stand. I have compassion for pretty much everyone. I guess because I have gotten burned WAY too much in the recent past. I think I'm just so freaking exhausted I can't even put up a fight these days.

    I'm on medication for this infection and am planning on getting as much sleep as possible for this episode tomorrow. It's so nice to have someone (you all) to talk to about this.

    P.S. I am also a cat person but became allergic since cancer. No clue.
     
  9. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    How are you doing this morning?

    Let us know how the meeting with step-son goes.
     
  10. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    HI THERE....I shower and cleaned up do I couodhave my fighting hat on so I'll be prepared and strong! I will meditate for a bit, hubby and I are now on the same page now thanks to you wonderful parents1

    He is actually updating us to the sirport, at the layover, etc. He will show up in a few hours. And from there I think he may be getting the picture this time. But as I said, there is ALWAYS SOMETHING. Will let you know!

    Thanks for asking.
     
  11. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    You go to that doctor too!!

    Good luck !!!
     
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    So glad there is some potential for progress. He might be “getting the picture,” as you say.

    I have autoimmune disease. Not has troublesome. But still concerning. I have learned that this stress can negatively influence my health. Please take very good care of yourself.

    Keep posting...it can help with the stress just to review some ideas and know others care.
     
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Kaylamay and welcome.

    I am sorry to hear about your health. That has to be very hard and you are so young! You really need to put your health and your husband's health and well being before anything else in my opinion.

    Your stepson (and the other adult children you speak of) really do sound like jerks! Your stepson is very young though and maybe someday he will actually grow up. I think often those adult children that have grown up somewhat privileged do not have much if any compassion for anyone. It sounds like this is the case with him.

    I would not do anything else for him unless you absolutely have to. Take care.
     
  14. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    Hi there....so sorry to hear about your autoimmune issues. Mine started with one (Fibro) in college and I just have never been the same since. I mean I have done so much and before this past few years was very productive, but I think those diseases are the worse BECAUSE when the stress comes - SO DOES the infections and tHE PAIN. feel for you!
     
  15. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    thank you for the welcome. So glad you love the Alabama coast. My husband and I traveled through there (I am from the South) and loved that part of the coast as well - Dauphin Island I think? Anyway, also glad you found your soulmate. You do have a looooong list of stuff there. It's funny you mentioned it started with you at age15 and before that he was your buddy. I feel like I was sort of robbed of that period of time. I did have a small slice of time where his daughter liked me but that went away pretty fast!

    And yes, the privileged have a completely different disposition than the kids I grew up with. I made a good living but I grew up around people who HAD to get a job as soon as possible or else their lives would change! It's hard to even think that it wasn't long ago that children actually ADDED to one's new worth. Now they cost $300k minimum? Omg.
     
  16. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    Wow. So we held out on our boundaries and he came and spent a few hours and left. thank you Jesus!
     
  17. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I’m glad everything turned out well, and step-son didn’t give you any problems!

    It seems he has some concern for the dog, and he respected your boundaries, at least on that particular day.

    Hope you are feeling well.
     
  18. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    This is a difficult situation for sure. The only thing I can say is that your goal to hold your step-son accountable for his actions is the right one. If you feel you only have two years left, it would certainly be nice if your son could learn how to conduct himself. Maybe rethink your boundaries and share them with him. Don't give in, it won't teach him a thing. I wish I would have known that years ago.

    It's obvious by your writing that your son has been enabled. Don't beat yourself over that. There are many of us who have traveled this road. Maybe ask yourself, is this going to help my son move forward in life or enable him to continue his destructive conduct? I can't imagine your suffering and still trying to care for your husband. Plain and simple, if your son is a caring individual who appreciates all you did for him, he would want to be part of the solution for the two of you, not the cause of such stress. If you need to go no contact for you, then do it.

    As for the dog, I understand totally. My daughter has two little ones. If we could get her to go to rehab (she is 40), the only option is the same as it is for you. I have done the calling, to no avail. We don't live in the same state. We are not in a position to take on the dogs. It's so hard. I wish I had answers for you. What would he do if he didn't have you to dump his dog on?

    Please take care of yourself.