22 year old son with bipolar still living at home makes us miserable, what to do?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MrMike, Jul 29, 2013.

  1. peg2

    peg2 Member

    Oh Mr.Mike, your story is much like my story. Will keep this short, I had to get a restraining order against my then 19 year old(now 23), verbal abuse was OUT OF CONTROL, but then, it had gone on for yrs. and yrs. You yourself are the only one who knows when enough is enough! I agree with your therapist, I have admitted my son has serious mental health issues, and I didn't feel he would get help on his own(after I tried for 1o yrs.) and yes, he is homeless now and has been for awhile, but even during that time I paid for a boarding home so he could get help, a requirement of the home was to go to day program daily and he did, for 1 week! Screwed up, police were called, etc. etc. go thrown out of boarding home. Homeless for yrs.now and I can not drop the RO, hasn't gotten help for the whole 3 1/2 yrs. so I know the situation hasn't changed. I even asked him to see the therapist I have been seeing so she could see first hand what I have been dealing with, he thought I meant he could come back home. He did see her for about 5 or 6 sessions and boy, did she see what I have been dealing with. Almost had to call the police herself. There is so much more, my son was in group homes since 12 years old(2 total) so this is ongoing for me. I can only say, you will know when you've had enough.
    Oh, I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, I believe the stress of 10 yrs.+ is how I got it. Take care of yourselves and I will keep you in my prayers.
  2. MrMike

    MrMike Member

    Peg2, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. That must be very, very tough. You do what you can, and the rest is up to him. I will keep you and him in my prayers. Take care of yourself, and lean on God as much as you can when things get tough. This is easier said than done, I know. I usually try to solve all my problems by myself, and take on too much. Lately though, I've been giving them to God, and I notice I sleep better and breath easier. Take Care and God Bless. MrMike
  3. peg2

    peg2 Member

    I do pray, that's all I have left. I had been in your situation but had to move on. You cannot jeopardize your safety or that of your family, or your health. I did everything I could but only you know when you have reached your limit. I did, after a whole day of disrespect, I went to the police station and they called the Judge, TRO issued and then court a day or two later to get the final RO. My son is a mess, homeless, which I knew he would be because he's not capable of surviving alone, but my life was awful the way it was. It is devastating and I go to therapy now because of it. It is the worst thing I have ever had to do but I would do the same thing again. They know if they will get help you would take them back.
    I'm still waiting for him to see the light, but 3 1/2 yrs.later, nothing yet.
    I pray for a good resolution for you, but do not live in a situation that is not safe
  4. MrMike

    MrMike Member

    Peg2, Again, I feel so bad about your situation. You have done all you can, and your son has to decide to accept help, and there is nothing else you can do, I think. I'm glad you're getting counseling for yourself, that is so important. Also, are you attending any support groups? I haven't tried that yet myself, but I've been told that it is a huge help, as you can lean on others that are going through the same thing. You need support for yourself, it is too tough to go it alone. I extend a big electronic hug to you, and will continue to pray for you and your family.
  5. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Hi MrMike, your son sounds a lot like our difficult child daughter who is 20 and bipolar. It is so hard to deal with, but it sounds like you are doing wise things. Our difficult child would be so sweet, then turn around and become enraged about something and kick a door in, grab a knife and threaten me, throw something & smash a window, etc. She lies " like a rug" as they say. Right now she is mad at me because I uncovered her latest huge lie-pretending she had a job and each day talking about how great the nonexistent job was. She is too lazy to work, so she does this. In case you are wondering who is putting up with this, she lives with a co-dependent boyfriend who works & pays the rent. He needs her phone and car and she
    is just needy-needy-needy. At first we didn't like this, but now we are thankful as she is several hours away and we don't have to sleep with a big stick under the bed, or the burglar alarm on all the time. Good luck and know that there are many of us fighting these battles.
  6. gpolo213

    gpolo213 New Member

  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for all the things you are dealing with. Your medical problems would be hard for anyone to desk with, then you have the added stress of luving with a geandson with fairly severe mental health issues.

    Your plan of downsizing sounds like a great idea. Can the department of aging suggest help that might be available?

  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi AliceD. You've responded to an old thread, so if you cut and paste this thread onto a new one, you will likely get more responses.

    Welcome. I am sorry you are going through this with your grandson, it all sounds so difficult for you. First of all I would invite you to read the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. Secondly I commend you for seeking counseling. It appears as if that will be a big support for you to move ahead with your plan to downsize. I think that's a great idea. At this point in your life, it needs to be about YOU. I am sorry about the loss of your daughter, that is a heartbreak. Your grandson is now a man and needs to move ahead with his life. He has absolutely no right to treat you with anything but gratitude and respect. Anything other than that should not be tolerated. You've done ENOUGH.

    I am 66 years old and raised my granddaughter too. I understand. But now is the time for change. He is old enough to figure it out for himself, whatever that is. It is YOUR time. You've done all you can do. Follow through with your plan. Find support to help you make your plan a reality. Don't backtrack in enabling your grandson, don't make his life your priority, your life is now the priority. Focus on YOU. It took me a long time to figure that out, but once I did, my whole life changed.

    Keep posting it helps. Read the article on detachment. Get yourself into a supportive environment, whatever that is, so you can find the path to your own fulfillment, to your own contentment, for your own health. You deserve that.

    I'm glad you found us. You're not alone, you can see how many of us are in a similar place. Go find your life and live it......it's your time now Alice, take it......
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  9. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Great advice here from so many folks. Glad you are getting counseling, diagnosis and a plan to help son. There are laws to evict and you have to do it legally or they could sue you (Adult child). YOU can get a quick evict via TPO/PPO should he get violent again before you get all the pieces of the plan worked out. Fear of our children hurting us or our homes is a nightmare and they KNOW when you are afraid. I love what someone here said about if he denies he has a problem then you come back great, then there is no reason why at your age you should be living in our house, time to move on.

    I do think you should call the police anytime he becomes violent. This is your documentation should you ever need it for legal reasons or to get him removed from your home and to get him help down the road.

    I like to think of ebb and tide cycles of the ocean in dealing with how to help our children. It cycles, they seem to be good, going great direction, then they come back in our lives riding on a surfboard like a Sunami. The guilt for us, making sure we went down a list, checking off every possible solution, to help us be able to say, "Well, we tried, did everything we could and now he is on his own". YOU will know when you have reached that point. GUILT is inevitable but the important thing is not to let GUILT rip your life apart. Don't allow the guilt to linger. Wishing you best in finding help for your son.
  10. Tired Momma

    Tired Momma New Member

    Wow...I'm going through this very same thing, but, by myself. My son is 23 and he's hit me as well. The hospitals drug him up and make him worse ( halucenations, and hitting himself). I would really like to talk with you guys. This is exactly what I'm dealing with. He's awake now playing games on the computer yelling at the players. I can't sleep. He was sent home from the Marines very sick, but on an other than honorable discharge. He was awesome before he went in. He never acted his way. I don't know where to turn. He won't leave the house either, or even let me apply for disability. I walk on eggshells all the time. I've had the police here several times.

  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Tired Momma


    This is a very old thread. Why not post a new thread so that you will get responses? To do so go up to the top of the page and click forums, then Parents Emeritus. At the top right you will see post new thread. Put a title and you can copy this post more or less and put it on your own new thread. I will watch for you.

    My son is 28 with a diagnosis of mood disorder. He says he has bipolar but I do not think so. I had to push him to do everything. Then when he quit his job (he was about 23) he would not work, do anything or go for treatment. I kicked him out. He lived for more than 4 years either with friends or homeless. After a couple of years he began to receive SSI for mental illness.

    He punched holes in doors, walls, and punched refrigerators for a span of 10 years. He was hostile, resistant and aggressive. He would call the cops on us to put us in jail.

    What I want to say is this: your son will not change until you do. What that means is you have decide you will not live like this. If it takes making him leave to be homeless for his own good, and your own you have to do it. Nothing will motivate him to take responsibility for his behavior until he experiences the consequences.

    There are benefits for veterans that are unavailable to others. Live-in programs. You cannot save him. He has to save himself. Did he see combat?

    It does not matter that it is not their fault. But it is their responsibility to help themselves get better and to manage their symptoms by seeking and accepting treatment. The only thing you can do is to draw a line in the sand about what you want for yourself and set limits with him.

    Believe me, this will help, not hurt him.

    Job Corps is a possibility. They will accept disabled youth to I believe 28 years old. It is a free program. They provide excellent trainings, housing, food and supervision. They also provide job finding help.

    I hope you keep posting and post a new thread so that you will get a variety of responses.

    Take care.
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2017
  12. Enable-no-more

    Enable-no-more New Member

    We are in the very same position. Following to see more Advice. We've kicked our son out recently and he's with his girlfriend who he now is abusing so she's moving home. I'm afraid he's going to come back and the abuse starts all over. I hate seeing my son like this but I'm afraid of him too. Plus I'm literally losing myself and can barely work due to stress over it all.
  13. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Enable no More.

    Just remember that the only way he can come home again is if YOU let him.

    See a doctor for medications to manage the immediate anxiety and get into counseling for codependency ASAP.

    By the "we", I assume you have a partner. If your partner insists on a MAN who has abused you returning to the home you share, I STRONGLY suggest you reconsider the relationship.
  14. Tired Momma

    Tired Momma New Member

  15. Peaceplease.

    Peaceplease. New Member

    I realize you posted this in 2013 every single word you say is exactly my situation!!!. I wonder if since time has passed if you have any suggestions for me because I'm at my absolute wis end.I also have an eleven-year-old daughter who both have no peace I really can't take anymore. I've done NAMI..counseling... he just does not want to admit there's a problem and as you said he sits at home working out all day makes my house toilets kitchen everything filthy it's disgusting and we walk on eggshells daily I'm so done do you think I should go forward with the eviction. We are in California and there is one person who's willing to let him come to their home and that's his stepmom in Seattle but he said quote I'm not going there.... dad and I are divorced and he was useless he's never helped its all of my burden. Any input is appreciated thank you.
  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Peg2, you may want to start your own thread as it will get more attention new. The person who made this thread is not here anymore.

    Press "new post" on top and tell us your story. We will listen!