23yo unmedicated daughter wants to move back home.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Dreamcatcher2, Apr 16, 2018.

  1. Dreamcatcher2

    Dreamcatcher2 New Member

    My daughter is bipolar and most likely have other compounding diagnoses. She took herself off medication at 18yo and refuses to get help. The quick run down is I am divorced. She lived with dad and new wife until she broke rules and so asked to leave. She moved in with me with the understanding that she needed to get a job, save and move out in 6 months as I was getting married. The 6 months turned into 12 months, jobs on and off etc as well as all the turmoil that goes with this, violence, moody, list goes on. My fiancé and I broke up, very stressful time. Finally moved out last November to live with her boyfriend. I have learnt to get stronger and realize my enabling is not good for daughter and affecting my own life.
    She texted me a few hours ago asking to move home as wants to break up with boyfriend and save money, just for a month.
    My question is how can I say no yet be supportive and empathetic? It’s feels like by saying no, I am mean and selfish?
    Her dad will say no, and we have no other family members remotely close.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have a mood disorder and am actually not that empathetic toward people who have one and refuse to take medication and behave badly because they refuse treatment. If this were my kid I would tell her she had to get back on medication for me to even consider it, then we would see, pending her stability and job status. Her other option would be to be to remain untreated and find somewhere else to go or find a shelter. She is too old to be interferring in your relationships and messing up your life. It is her own fault if she is a mess because she is untreated.

    If you give her these choices, then it is her decision, not yours. Now you can also flat out refuse to let her live at your house. Past history indicates she won't be gone in a month. Do you pay her bills?


    Love and light!
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2018
  3. Dory

    Dory Member

    Set boundaries, tell her she needs to seek professional help, this is key,she needs help!
    Let her know you will support her so long as she excepts that she needs help.

    Stand your ground, work out YOUR BOUNDARIES, YOUR RULES.

    Only then if respects YOU and follows what You SAY,

    THEN she may return to your HOME. and begin to have a spirit.

    Look after you,I know the pain.
     
  4. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    I agree if she is not medicated and still violent she does not come home. You do not need that in your life. Your home is your sanctuary.
     
  5. Dreamcatcher2

    Dreamcatcher2 New Member

    Thank you so much for your replies. This is new territory for me to create boundaries yet really understand that I need to put the oxygen mask on myself first. I have been experiencing stress related health issues and needed a reminder that my home is my sanctuary. I got caught up in some of the attachment list. Learning new perspectives and skills!
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your daughter is an adult with a serious mental health issues that she won't treat and violence, which is never acceptable no matter what. Nobody should live with violence. And your daughter is able bodied. She can work somewhere while getting treatment. And there are shelters and food cards and Medicaid.

    Until she is willing to comply with professionals and work hard on all of her problems there is nothing you can do for her other than to enable her resistance to doing better.

    At her age, an adult, you can not hug her into wellness. I think your ex did the right thing. Please do the right thing for you. Your daughter is the only person who can help herself.

    Good luck!
     
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Dreamchatcher2,

    Glad you reached out to us. I'm sorry for what you are dealing with but you are not alone.

    There is no easy answer here. I can only share with you what I would do and I'm going off of what you have shared.
    I would tell her: "I love you and have given much thought to your request to move in with me and my answer is no" "I have to consider my own well being as well as yours and I do not see this working out" "I have no guarantee from you that you will take your medications and seek counselling for your issues and I am not up for that kind of battle with you. Here is a list of places that you can check into for assistance."

    Now of course if you choose to not let her move in with you, I'm assuming it won't be received well by her. She most likely will swear that she will take her medications and get therapy. At which point you could tell her you will reconsider. If you choose to reconsider make sure you have very clear boundaries in place as to how long she can stay in your home and what behavior would not be acceptable / deal breaker that would be an automatic that she has to leave.

    Bottom line, you can only do what you can live with but I encourage you to not let her bully you into a decision. Our difficult adult children will ramp things up when we tell them no. If you do tell her no be prepared for anything, from threats of suicide to her screaming "I hate you". If she ever does threaten suicide, call 911 and have them pick her up for evaluation. This sends a message to her that you will not be manipulated.

    I wish you well with whatever decision you make. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going.

    ((HUGS))
     
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome.

    Without medication compliance, you know the outcome. Promises at this stage will likely produce the same results. As parents, we are often faced with this decision....however, unless significant change has taken place in our adult kids, you will likely be facing the exact same scenario you had before.

    The definition of insanity is: "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." A good one for us to remember.

    You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, to offer you a different perspective and also perhaps some guidance. NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness can be accessed online, you may want to contact them. They offer excellent courses for parents and have a help line open from M-F where you might receive some guidance. A good resource book is Codependent no More by Melodie Beattie.

    Once you begin the absolutely necessary boundaries around your daughter's behaviors, choices and lifestyle, she may react badly with accusations, blame, manipulations...... whatever her form of emotional blackmail is. That is a common reaction to our boundary setting.

    In order to make any lasting significant changes, they'll need to be made by you. You are the one who will need to set strong boundaries, most often our kids are content with the level of care we provide (enabling), so there is no reason for them to change. However, YOU are the one impacted by the skewered thinking, the never ending drama, the manipulations......you are the one whose life is trampled on by your daughters behaviors.

    We can only do what our hearts can bear........remember that you matter too, your desires matter, the peace in your home matters, your desires for a sanctuary matters, YOU MATTER. Dig in to discover what it is you are willing to do and what you are not......make sure your priority is YOU.....keep yourself well supported.....continue to post......this stuff is hard, but boundaries will set you free. I've learned to keep my responses short with no room for argument. A simple, "I'm sorry, I cannot meet your request at this time. I love you and I trust that you will figure this out." When we are in doubt with our decision, we tend to keep talking to convince the other of the validity of our choice......however, in my experience, often when dealing with mentally ill folks who have a strong tendency towards serious manipulation, blame and intense drama, the shortest NO you can muster without justifications or reasons, works best.

    Hang in there, you're not alone. We get it.