Oh, aud ~ what a horrible position to be in.
I don't think there is any right answer aud, but this is what comes to mind: When I think about my son, I remember all the wonderful things about him, I remember everything I hoped for him (and for me). I remember how handsome he was as a little boy, how strong the curve of his back, how sweet it was to watch him begin changing into the man he would become. But for you, and for me too aud, that promise never came to be.
Somehow, some impossible to believe somehow, everything changed.
For the longest time, I took the blame for that, aud. And then, one day, I woke myself up a little bit. I am still my son's mother. And as his mother? I demand better of him than what he does. I demand it, I expect it, I will accept nothing less. I want my son to stand up. I will no longer encourage weakness by responding to it as though he cannot do any better. This applies to your son too, aud. He knows what he did. He knows it was wrong, and he understands very clearly why he cannot come home.
If it was a question of taking his medication, he was the one who chose not to take it.
I know it doesn't feel right to fault the kids when they are not thriving. It feels like it must be our fault, somehow. But aud, by letting him come home, you would be supporting his choice not to take his medication and excusing what he did to your daughter. The message there is that it was okay to do what he did. And what we encourage aud, we will get more of.
For your son's sake aud, you need to rethink how you are thinking about this.
It's like Scott G said in his post that time. We need to accept our kids for who they are, and stop judging them for that. It is what it is. When there is no judgment call involved, there is no blame. Then, you can see clearly and make a better decision.
Once I could do that? I lit right into my own son. He IS rude, he DOES whine, he is not standing up, and he does blame me for every bad choice he ever made.
So now? He knows that is exactly how I feel. If he wants me in his life, he is going to have to change his behavior toward and about me considerably.
But do you know who was the bad guy in my relationship with my son, aud?
Me.
I am his mother.
I did not stop him when he began treating me differently. I did not condemn him for his bad choices, for his drug use and the people he dragged into my life and my home.
It's late in the day aud, but we are still their mothers. If you want things to change for your son, it can start with you. You are probably the only one left who loves him enough to demand better from him than what you have had in the past.
It is hard to change how we see, aud? But once you act on what, really, you have known all along? It feels so perfectly, absolutely right.
Cedar