30 Year Old BiPolar Daughter Going Downhill (again)

[Kalahou]

I do have a question- if I don't hear from the difficult child for a week or so is it ok to connect by text for example? Or better to maintain distance?

Everyone’s situation and relationship with their difficult child is different. In my opinion, I would not reach out to her. Why would you reach out? To do what? A week is a very short span. Give it time and patience (I know this is hard to do, but enjoy the peace and freedom from needing to immediately deal with drama. ) Right now tell yourself " There is nothing I need to do right now." I often think that with difficult children “No news is good news.” Start to let it go... to let her go…to let old patterns go. This is a necessary loss.

If she does not connect with you for some long time, and you really must contact her, limit a very short text to say something to the effect ~ “Haven’t heard from you. Glad you are working things out.” Then realize that she may or may not respond. If no response, then accept that. If she then replies with more drama, thinking you want to start up the old dynamics, you may choose to not reply.

There are often posts on the threads of “things to say” to your difficult child if, for some reason, you feel you need to answer the phone or text, etc. It’s been recommended to keep a list handy of these quick responses, to remind you to stay calm and disconnect soon / to keep it short and cordial. You don’t need to elaborate on any of the replies. Just the quick answer, with the purpose of quickly ending the way the conversation is going. With each reply back from her, you can use a different short phrase.

I found it empowering just to have the list handy, each time I saw my son's name come up on the phone or text.

There is a very old thread (List of things to say when detaching), which brainstormed some ideas. Here’s the link to it, if you'd like to check it out > List of things to say when detaching

Here are a few handy phrases: taken from that thread:

"Well, I'm sure you'll work it out."

"That sounds like an interesting idea."

"Good for you, honey!"

"How are you handling that?"

"That must make you feel good."

"That must make you feel bad."

"How does that make you feel?"

"I'll need to talk to your dad/guru/dog about that."

"I don't have an answer right now. I'll do some research."

"Sorry, I'm on my way out the door right now and can't talk!"

"I need some time to think about that. I'll get back to you."

"What's your opinion?" “I see”

"I'm so sorry, honey." “You’ll figure it out.”

 

[BusynMember]

She will likely be nasty or ask for something from you. Do you really want to deal with that? I would wait and would only answer her text if it asks nothing of you.

Start learning boundaries.

 

[Denise2017]

Thank you both very much. Wow I can not believe I found this forum after so many years. I did spend an entire day searching and it was so worth it. I have searched many times before but this time I was blessed. Or ready. This is a very real place and you are extremely wise and caring.

I agree that no news is good new when dealing with the difficult child. The list of phrases is very handy because the conversation very easily goes in a bad direction. In addition she can be very manipulative and lead me down a path where trouble happens.

I will go with your advice. I still feel guilty but I will learn. I used to say she was like a poem my mother often said...

There was a little girl
With a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
When she was good she was very, very good
But when she was bad she was horrid

But when my daughter is "good" she is not very, very good. She is the same, but calmer and charming and I remember the baby and child she was.

I did not have a good relationship with my mother so it's very hard for me not to do what I think is "right" which to me means being kind. But I realize that I am not dealing with a normal individual.

Thank you all. I am on the journey.

 

[Denise2017]

Thanks again Kalahou for this list of phrases and the link. I think it's a lifesaver!

 

[BusynMember]

Shes not a little girl. Dont ever forget that. She is a 30 year old woman and almost all 30 year olds are on their own completely, even if they have bipolar (i have a mood disorder too.) They are mostly not on drugs, working, in relationships, parenting, thriving and not abusing their parents. It is very not the norm for an adult child to abuse a parent. It is not the nice. It is not okay.

I wasnt close to my mother either. That doesnt mean you or I have to put up with abuse. From anyone. The fact is, this daughter will not chose a warm, cozy relationship with you. She will want you to put everything aside and give, give, give to her.

You have many blessings in your life.Embrace them. Let your dysfunctional daughter do her own life. You cant save her and trying to do so could make you very sick. Dont let her. She has many choices to make her life better. If she wont that is on her, not on you. Only she can do good for hersrlf. Dont let her live with you. You know in your heart how badly that would go.

Love and light.

 

[Denise2017]

Oh yes you are correct about all Somewhereoutthere. She is not a little girl anymore. Thank you for reminding me. I still see that little girl when I look at her But I will be realistic. She is definitely not that little girl anymore.

I would like her to be happy as we all would for our children. But I realize she must make that happen.

I agree with you! She has to make her own choices and I must preserve my life.

I do have much to be grateful for.

No, I will definitely not let her live here or abuse any of us. Thank you and a big hug. What a wonderful group of people on this forum!

 

[BusynMember]

You are wonderful too. Remember that.

 

[recoveringenabler]

The poem your mother often said is one I have thought about in reference to my own daughter who is 43 years old.

One of the bumps on my own path was to look at my daughter and see the little girl she once was....it would halt any attempts to detach from the adult woman she became. It's one of those things I had to breathe through.......and then make a difficult, new choice.

Another bump was that like you, I did not have a healthy and loving relationship with my own mother so my perception of motherhood was not realistic but based on my own childhood needs for the "perfect," all loving Mom......I tried to live up to that perception but thankfully (with a lot of help and support) I realized it was a fantasy. Another opportunity to breathe through letting go and accepting what is. There is a lot of weight in the word "Mother" and often we suffer under that weight, with expectations of ourselves which are unrealistic and damaging to us..... Therapists supported me in reframing my definition of what a mother is....... and those expectations I had diminished under healthy scrutiny. And I realized something very important, I was enough and I had done enough.

This journey we're on is fraught with many mine fields......and they can blow up at any time......usually ushering in another level of learning how to let go. It's one step at a time. And in taking care of ourselves, when it does blow up, we're in a much better and healthier place to handle the changes.

I hear a clear willingness to change in you Denise.....a commitment to your own life now......good for you......keep yourself well supported and be very, very kind to yourself.....you'll find the peace you seek.....we're here with you.....

 

[susiestar]

Remember that you only exist to your daughter when she wants or needs something from you. If she is not calling you, she is fine and has no use for you. Why walk up to trouble and say, Could I have some please?

As far as those boxes in your garage giving her some rights to live with you, no. You even asked a lawyer and he said no. You have no worries. You owe her NOTHING. She is grown and out. Keep her that way! She just thinks she can bamboozle you. We will help bamboozle proof you if you want.

Print out those phrases that are posted up there and tape them next to each of your phones. Put a copy by where you normally sit with your cordless phone too. It will help for when she calls and you answer without thinking. ''

Does she have a key to your house or garage? If so, get the locks changed first thing. Even if it is expensive, you MUST be sure she does not have a key. If she has a key, she can enter at will and that is a problem. So get that fixed if you need to. Keep the deadbolts locked if she does not have a key to those. (If she had a spare key just in case)

If she comes over to talk, don't open the door. Tell her it is a bad time and you are not feeling up to it. Offer to meet her somewhere else like the mall or a restaurant to talk there. Or just tell her you don't want her to come in. There is nothing wrong with being honest but it will likely upset her quite a bit. If she insists on coming in, call the police for an intruder.

I found it helped to write down the steps of what I planned to do in each situation, rather than to just think them through. I wrote them down, or printed them out, and put them where I could see them. Taped by the door, or the phone, or put by the chair where I sat to read and drink tea and talk on the phone of an evening, I had the directions and was ready when my difficult relative called or came by. I had my phrases so I didn't give out money or get pulled into another scheme, and I was ready when he showed up at the door and tried to bully his way into my home. Having those directions really helped me keep cool, and it made a difference because it gave me confidence which made me believable.

 

[RN0441]

Denise

Welcome.

You have gotten great advice here. Please remember that having healthy boundaries does NOT mean that you do not love her!

She needs to grow up already. My 21 year old son needs to also!

Running to a meeting.

 

[Denise2017]

Everyone’s situation and relationship with their difficult child is different. In my opinion, I would not reach out to her. Why would you reach out? To do what? A week is a very short span. Give it time and patience (I know this is hard to do, but enjoy the peace and freedom from needing to immediately deal with drama. ) Right now tell yourself " There is nothing I need to do right now." I often think that with difficult children “No news is good news.” Start to let it go... to let her go…to let old patterns go. This is a necessary loss.

If she does not connect with you for some long time, and you really must contact her, limit a very short text to say something to the effect ~ “Haven’t heard from you. Glad you are working things out.” Then realize that she may or may not respond. If no response, then accept that. If she then replies with more drama, thinking you want to start up the old dynamics, you may choose to not reply.

There are often posts on the threads of “things to say” to your difficult child if, for some reason, you feel you need to answer the phone or text, etc. It’s been recommended to keep a list handy of these quick responses, to remind you to stay calm and disconnect soon / to keep it short and cordial. You don’t need to elaborate on any of the replies. Just the quick answer, with the purpose of quickly ending the way the conversation is going. With each reply back from her, you can use a different short phrase.

I found it empowering just to have the list handy, each time I saw my son's name come up on the phone or text.

There is a very old thread (List of things to say when detaching), which brainstormed some ideas. Here’s the link to it, if you'd like to check it out > List of things to say when detaching

Here are a few handy phrases: taken from that thread:

"Well, I'm sure you'll work it out."

"That sounds like an interesting idea."

"Good for you, honey!"

"How are you handling that?"

"That must make you feel good."

"That must make you feel

The poem your mother often said is one I have thought about in reference to my own daughter who is 43 years old.

One of the bumps on my own path was to look at my daughter and see the little girl she once was....it would halt any attempts to detach from the adult woman she became. It's one of those things I had to breathe through.......and then make a difficult, new choice.

Another bump was that like you, I did not have a healthy and loving relationship with my own mother so my perception of motherhood was not realistic but based on my own childhood needs for the "perfect," all loving Mom......I tried to live up to that perception but thankfully (with a lot of help and support) I realized it was a fantasy. Another opportunity to breathe through letting go and accepting what is. There is a lot of weight in the word "Mother" and often we suffer under that weight, with expectations of ourselves which are unrealistic and damaging to us..... Therapists supported me in reframing my definition of what a mother is....... and those expectations I had diminished under healthy scrutiny. And I realized something very important, I was enough and I had done enough.

This journey we're on is fraught with many mine fields......and they can blow up at any time......usually ushering in another level of learning how to let go. It's one step at a time. And in taking care of ourselves, when it does blow up, we're in a much better and healthier place to handle the changes.

I hear a clear willingness to change in you Denise.....a commitment to your own life now......good for you......keep yourself well supported and be very, very kind to yourself.....you'll find the peace you seek.....we're here with you.....

 

[Denise2017]

Thank you all so much for your support. Thank you Somewhereouthere, RecoveringEnabler, Kalahou, SusueStar and RNO441.

You are a kind, wise group. These are good, supportive, practical guidelines.

I have not reached out to her, and if I hear from her I will use the reply list.

I understand about not letting her in the house. That's a really hard one but at this time it is probably a dangerous things to do.

I feel much more grounded since finding this forum and reading your wise words. I have reads your posts to me many times and I have bookemarked this page.

As SusieStar said, I only exist when she needs something! That seems to be true.

I look for to hettto the other side and being able to help others as you have been helpful to me.

Thanks again to all. I will keep reading.

 

[Snow White]

Hi Denise. I've been away from the forum for a bit and just caught up with your post. I'm sorry that you are going through this with your daughter.

All of the others have posted sage advice. I am trying to follow their advice, too! Our daughter has been traveling the world for the past 3 years, getting money from all sorts of people so that she doesn't have to work. She is 26 years old. She has just had a relationship end and is demanding that I fly her home so that she can "recover". She knows how to break my heart but my husband and I are staying strong and not allowing her to come back home. It would be devastating for us and enable her even more. Our daughter has been able to travel the world for 3 years - she can figure out what to do next.

I have kept minimal contact for the last 8 months. I don't initiate contact - as others have said, "Sometimes no news is good news." I also have her email address marked to send to my "junk mail" folder. If I am in the mood, I might read it. If not, it just sits there. We removed the land line from our bedroom. We have only 1 phone (with call display) and it's downstairs. We now get a full night's sleep. During the daytime/evening I only answer her call if I feel ready for it. Otherwise, she can leave a message, which I may or may not respond to. It gives me the control back.

Your daughter sounds somewhat borderline and might have some addictions. Mine is borderline and when she is having alcohol/drugs, it really intensifies the anger and aggression. Your home will not be helpful for your daughter and will turn into a prison for you. Keep your home your sanctuary!

I would be sending daughter's mail back to the sender. If she needs the SS money, she'll go and take care of the address change pretty fast. I send all of the bills my daughter has sent to our house "return to sender". I'm not responsible for her bills.

Keep visiting here and stay strong. We're here to help!

{Hugs}

 

[Denise2017]

Hi Mcdonna and everyone. Mcdonna thank you for your kind letter. I have not been here for a while either. I was basically avoiding my 30-year-old bipolar daughter and then today the phone rang. I keep my phone turned off at all times and usually face down just not to see her calling. She does not call often but when she does it is never good. But I picked it up today because we had been texting a little bit and I guess I was hopeful. I should have known better, she is about to break up with her current boyfriend and she is looking for a place to live.

She has not done anything particularly difficult recently, but she has threatened us many times emotionally and once physically in the past. I am 66 and just don't feel like I can survive the drama of living with her.

She has burned most of her bridges and has no place to go.

She has a father, but he has been through this drama many times too and I am not sure that he will take her in. He is more in touch with her than I am. They tend to get along better than she and I. I feel selfish contacting him to satisfy my need to know if she is ok.

All of the good advice I have gotten from the site, a therapist, my husband, my other daughter is not to take her in. She is very manipulative.

I have left a bad marriage and survived an abusive mother, but "abandoning" this difficult child is much harder.

I have read through the advice again, but I am new on this journey. I do not feel like a good person or a good mother. I can not relax not knowing how she is doing. But I also can not live with her.

Some of the wise words I've been given...

• This is a necessary loss.
• It's one of those things I had to breathe through.......and then make a difficult, new choice.
• I only exist when she needs something
• She will want you to put everything aside and give, give, give to her

I thank you all for your support and advice. This is very hard and I hope that I am doing the right thing but uninvolving myself...

 

[Denise2017]

OMG after worrying all day my other daughter just told me that the difficult one asked if she can bring her boyfriend to an event on Saturday.

And I worried and was sick to my stomach most of the day after her call.

I will reread everything here.

Thank you all again!

 

[recoveringenabler]

I can not relax not knowing how she is doing. But I also can not live with her.

I know exactly how that feels too Denise......I had to learn how to separate myself from my daughter's dramatic lifestyle and "not knowing" was very difficult for me too. I still struggle with it at times, however, as you saw, while you are suffering your daughter was off on her next adventure.

There's a quote by the Dalai Lama I kept coming upon when I was going thru the worst of it with my daughter, "don't allow others to rob you of your inner peace." And, another quote, "pain is inevitable, misery is optional." Both of those supported a new focus, putting myself as the priority and accepting what I can't change......and that began to create some real changes.

Hang in there, stay well supported, put yourself FIRST, be very, very kind to yourself, show yourself the compassion you obviously have shown your daughter......you deserve that.

 

[wisernow]

Denise you are doing so well. Don't let her live with you ever again....you can see by the past few days how once again she is manipulative. You deserve peace, calm and happiness. Hugs

 

[susiestar]

You are NOT "abandoning" your daughter when you say she cannot live with you or have whatever she asks of you. She is an ADULT, not a child. Your responsibility to support her ended years ago. Your responsibility right now, as her mother, is to make her be self sufficient and support herself. Taking her in after each dramatic crisis does NOT teach her to solve her problems and does NOT help her in ANY way, shape or form.

Please wipe these thoughts that you are abandoning her out of your mind. She is not an infant or small child that needs Mommy to protect her. She is a fully grown adult who needs to stand on her own two feet and figure her own life out. It is time to stop the coddling, even if it is just in your mind.

End the guilt because it is misplaced and wasted. PLEASE. Feel bad because you spent years not pursuing your own passions, spending your energies instead on this adult who should be taking care of herself.

 

[Denise2017]

Thank you all so much. This has truly been a lesson. This episode

She will want you to put everything aside and give, give, give to her.

She will want you to put everything aside and give, give, give to her.

You have many blessings in your life.Embrace them. Let your dysfunctional daughter do her own life. You cant save her and trying to do so could make you very sick. Dont let her. She has many choices to make her life better. I

There's a quote by the Dalai Lama I kept coming upon when I was going thru the worst of it with my daughter, "don't allow others to rob you of your inner peace." And, another quote, "pain is inevitable, misery is optional." Both of those supported a new focus, putting myself as the priority and accepting what I can't change......and that began to create some real changes.

Your responsibility right now, as her mother, is to make her be self sufficient and support herself.

She is a fully grown adult who needs to stand on her own two feet and figure her own life out.

has actually been helpful. I was literally physically upset. And then she is back with him.

I thank you all for your great support and wisdom.

Yes, I agree. I can give her more by allowing herself to build a life for herself.

I am going to keep reading your wise words over. I must be free to enjoy this part of my life, my husband, my little dog, my grandchild, my good health, my father.

Thank you all so much.

 

[Shushannah Rodgers]

Hello and thank you for this forum. I am so glad I found it. I am new here and this is my first post. I have a 30-year-old daughter who was diagnosed as Bipolar (possibly Borderline) at about 13 years old. She can not hold a job. She has relied on boyfriends and an ex-husband for a place to live. She has lived both with me, her father and friends in between boyfriends. She has been hospitalized for depression 4 times. She has attempted suicide. She occasionally uses drugs (marijuana, cocaine) and seems to somewhat sexually promiscuous. I know much of this from a report that was sent to my house by a psychiatric hospital where she started attending a program but did not continue.

We have sent her to therapists, set-up house rules, given her money, let her live in our home, guided and paid for her to get vocational skills, found and paid for therapists, found recovery programs and none of these endeavors have helped. We just don't know how to help her.

For the last year or so she has been living with a very nice man. She is pretty and always finds boyfriends (and a short-term husband) that are caretakers. But she spirals down and get very abusive. She hit the man she is living with. She has a history of some violence, includung hitting a forner landlord, a former boss and me. (Each once)

The current boyfriend relationship is ending. He wants her out.

She is about to become homeless when he throws her out. She is on SS Disability. Her car was repossessed.

I am 66. I have come to the point where I want to enjoy the rest of the days while I am healthy and can enjoy my life, my husband and my dog. My mother died at 53 and my father has Parkinsons and I want to enjoy the good years I have left.

She is going to need a place to live. I don't want her in my home. She has verbally threatened me many times and done some physical damage in the past. Her threats are cruel and frightening.

Her father is recenty divorced from his second marriage and living in a one-bedroom. We have a house and actualy have an extra room, although we do use that room. He says he does not have room for her in his apartment. I make much less money that I used to, so giving her financial support is not an option right now.

My stomach goes into a knot when I think of her or see her name on my phone.

I am totally conflcited becaise I believe it is my job to help take care of her but it makes me frightened and physically sick to have this abusive person in my life.

I have been to therapy and was told that I should let her go to a homeless shelter last time we faced and episode like what is happening now. I was not able to do that. The therapist said that if she could succeed on her own it would strengthen her. I do agree with that. However I am not sure what she is capable of. I do understand that she is sick.

But I can not live with her.

I have been reading about detachment here. I have seen several times that there is an article about detachment at the end of a post but I don't see it on the thread. Guidance to article would be very much appreciated. I also saw a reference to Al-Anon articles.

by the way she is not acting particularly abusive at the moment. She did ask to live here. But in the past she has told me in frightening terms that she has a right to live at my house and I would have to evict her to get her out. I can not let that situation happen. (I have spoken to a lawyer, but I still don't want to let her in the door.) Unfortunately some of her mail is sent here and that worries me.

Thank you in advance for reading my long rambling post. I need to put my own oxygen mask on first. but it's killing me.