Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
Thank you so very much for this reply. I am exhausted but I wanted you to I know how much this meant and you are spot on Copa.I want to add something to my post lbl. That may seem contradictory.
I am trying to see my own suffering as a sort of prompt or reminder. Not a truth.
For example. I wake up with stories about my life and situation. Trust me. I am not the hero. I accuse myself of this or that. Or malign myself because of this failing and that. Sometimes it is about my son. or my mother. Or sister. Or others I believe do not love me or like me. And I accuse myself as having failed.
Lately I am trying to be kind to myself. To honor not reject the pain I feel with compassion for myself. I do not challenge the stories. And I try to not fight for myself. Rather I try to embrace my hurt and suffering self.
When I have done this a few days the accusing stories recede.
I believe that you might be experiencing something similar to what I do.
I am learning fighting the stories does not work for me. But hugging my hurting self does.
what I am writing is that my suffering is a prompt or reminder to embrace and sooth myself. Just that. The recognition there is no better or necessary resolution or answer sometimes to my suffering in the moment. Except that. And really what more do we have?
Sure. There can be a way to understand, gain insight. or I can change how I act towards others. or make changes in course; doing this or that differently. perhaps. But all of these are shoulds. More battering.
But I am changing something fundamental. In my relationship with myself. Why did I never think seriously about this before?