Addictions Crossroad.. trouble detaching

[Toomanytears]

This is my first post, I’m a ”newby” as of this evening.. so please bear with me.
I’ve been reading the posts re: younger adults. In retrospect, I find myself thinking if we would have just been tougher earlier on in our son’s life. BUT WE WERE! We had him arrested, mandated for treatment, testified in court etc...Our son is now 35 and we will ring in the New Year like we have the past 22 years. Yes, we will be starting our 23rd year Jan. 1, 2018 battling addiction, rehabs, county/state prison sentences.
You see, he finally was successful with almost 3 yrs of sobriety. Married, wonderful father of 2 sons and a 4.0 in college courses to become a Drug Counselor. Then the “ love of his life” (his wife - who is by the way a middle school counselor ..) became threatening, jealous, opened the door to drinking alcohol ( once an addict always an addict) which didn’t mix well with his long term medications. She felt his medications “ interfered” with their time together ( made him fall asleep too early). Could it have been that he watched the baby full time at home, was taking classes full time AND working night shift??
I digress. Things went from bad to worse in a matter of 6 weeks. He tried. He really tried. But his coping skills went right out the window. He relapsed. Bad. Heroin, Benzos, crack, you name it .. he’s lucky to be alive. He also has a robbery charge that he doesn’t even remember commiting. We are devastated. That is anunderstatement. We have few trusted friends and they are like gold to us. Non-judge mental but brutally honest. They worry about our health and our well-being. We in turn can think of very little but the future for him and the long time he will be away from his 8 yr old. ( and 2 yr old).
If there is one thing we have learned, you MUST take a firm and hard stance early on this journey. At the first signs of drug use, get them the stiffest penalty possible! Is it painful and emotional? ABSOLUTELY!!! The alternative, to never be able to reign the addiction in for decades... and it is no way to live. Our son is very sad, sick and honestly I don’t know what his upcoming journey will become. He absolutely is/will be dual diagnosed ( chronic relapse, mental disorder, etc..) along with addiction. He wanted sobriety, he lived it. He loved it. His coping skills were tossed to the wind- even commenting” I’ve had a sober life that I loved, and look what it got me! Nothing can please my wife, I’m going to lose my house I worked so hard on, and my family..”
The earlier the lesson is taught that there are consequences the better. Trust me. It’s nothing compared to the pain that keeps occurring when they don’t get the help ( tough love) needed

 

[Littleboylost]

TMT
Who would not be decimated with this turn of events. My heart breaks when I read this it brings me to tears.

Is there any hope that the courts will order him into a mixed disorders treatment program? I know here they have to detox and then are transferred to the mixed disorders clinic. If he was ill when the crime was commuted can they not divert the charges and order care?

We are here and support you please know you are not alone.

Are there resources for you and your wife to help support the process of detaching for you? Private therapy or group meetings like Naranon or NAMI. NAMI is a support group for people who have family members with Mental Health issues.

I am hopeful that your son detoxes and turns his life around. I hope he gets the treatment he requires and is able to rebuild his life.

We must detach or it does only enable them. Not easy as you know I am in the throws of this as well.

 

[StillStanding]

Toomanytears,
I'm so sorry for your family's difficulties.

I can't imagine the hope you must have had after such a long time of being sober.

Not having coping skills is something I hear over and over again with sick people. Unfortunately, life throws hard things at everyone. I don't know why some of us can cope and others spiral.

I hope your son can face his consequences and carry on with the amazing work he was doing.

Good luck - you're not alone.

 

[Toomanytears]

TMT
Who would not be decimated with this turn of events. My heart breaks when I read this it brings me to tears.

Is there any hope that the courts will order him into a mixed disorders treatment program? I know here they have to detox and then are transferred to the mixed disorders clinic. If he was ill when the crime was commuted can they not divert the charges and order care?

We are here and support you please know you are not alone.

Are there resources for you and your wife to help support the process of detaching for you? Private therapy or group meetings like Naranon or NAMI. NAMI is a support group for people who have family members with Mental Health issues.

I am hopeful that your son detoxes and turns his life around. I hope he gets the treatment he requires and is able to rebuild his life.

We must detach or it does only enable them. Not easy as you know I am in the throws of this as well.

TMT
Who would not be decimated with this turn of events. My heart breaks when I read this it brings me to tears.

Is there any hope that the courts will order him into a mixed disorders treatment program? I know here they have to detox and then are transferred to the mixed disorders clinic. If he was ill when the crime was commuted can they not divert the charges and order care?

We are here and support you please know you are not alone.

Are there resources for you and your wife to help support the process of detaching for you? Private therapy or group meetings like Naranon or NAMI. NAMI is a support group for people who have family members with Mental Health issues.

I am hopeful that your son detoxes and turns his life around. I hope he gets the treatment he requires and is able to rebuild his life.

We must detach or it does only enable them. Not easy as you know I am in the throws of this as well.

LBL..
I am grateful for the ideas you’ve posted.
He is currently in an intensive rehabilitation center for the next 30 days. He will then have hearings in court scheduled once that is completed. We are hoping he will have the time to continue treatment until sentencing.

We have taken part in Nar-Anon and other support meetings. At this time, detaching is most difficult. I do a lot of reading and praying to get me through. Being alone with- my husband seems to be how we find the most comfort. I guess because we can be so open re: how shattered our hearts truly are.

 

[Toomanytears]

tmt. i responded on the other thread where you first posted.

Yes you did. Thank you. I have never been in any type of forum before and am trying to maneuver my way through.. finding my right “ fit”. Thank you for the guidance.

 

[Toomanytears]

Toomanytears,
I'm so sorry for your family's difficulties.

I can't imagine the hope you must have had after such a long time of being sober.

Not having coping skills is something I hear over and over again with sick people. Unfortunately, life throws hard things at everyone. I don't know why some of us can cope and others spiral.

I hope your son can face his consequences and carry on with the amazing work he was doing.

Good luck - you're not alone.

SS..
The irony of recovery and being a witness to it is you always understand that anything, and I mean anything, can result in triggering a relapse. We try to be “ the glass is half full”type of people but with addiction one must be realistic. Relapse is just a moment away. Forever.

 

[Copabanana]

hi again, too.i had never been on a forum when i came here 31 mos ago. never on facebook. nothing.

i got here when i googled how i felt and landed here.

you are not alone. nor is your son.

i wish i could reach through the ether and hug him (and you) and tell him how much respect for him i feel.

while my partner, m, is not my son's father, we have approached this journey like a spiritual quest that has drawn us closer. except for here and when speaking to my rabbi i find i do not feel safe talking to anybody else very deeply.

i worked in prisons. when my son was young, i talked to the prisoners. they understood.

the point i am making is that there are a billion and more routes we take to wholeness. this is your son's. every life has its pain and suffering. you know this. the real thing that counts is learning. wisdom. growth. your son is on this path.

nothing i or anybody can say will make this better. it is about one step at a time. but i believe he will be more than okay. he already is.

please cosider telling him how much he is inspiring us. and how much we respect him. and care. about him. for you. these are not just words.

 

[Toomanytears]

hi again, too.i had never been on a forum when i came here 31 mos ago. never on facebook. nothing.

i got here when i googled how i felt and landed here.

you are not alone. nor is your son.

i wish i could reach through the ether and hug him (and you) and tell him how much respect for him i feel.

while my partner, m, is not my son's father, we have approached this journey like a spiritual quest that has drawn us closer. except for here and when speaking to my rabbi i find i do not feel safe talking to anybody else very deeply.

i worked in prisons. when my son was young, i talked to the prisoners. they understood.

the point i am making is that there are a billion and more routes we take to wholeness. this is your son's. every life has its pain and suffering. you know this. the real thing that counts is learning. wisdom. growth. your son is on this path

nothing i or anybody can say will make this better. it is about one step at a time. but i believe he will be more than okay. he already is.

please cosider telling him how much he is inspiring us. and how much we respect him. and care. about him. for you. these are not just words.

Copabanana..
Thank you for the caring words. Just thank you.
I will share your last 3 paragraphs with him when we visit next week. I will type them out for him to read in his own time ...the fallout from this relapse for us, seems almost unbearable. For him, horrific. He just can’t believe the “ grip” it took on him and how quickly. You’re words of encouragement I’m sure will help to lift his spirits.

 

[RN0441]

Welcome and glad you found us.

I can't even imagine the heartbreak you are feeling right now. Please be good to yourself.

I am happy to read your words on being tough on the young addict. Our son is in a 13 month faith based program and we will see him Saturday. I have not seen him since April. It is 2 months today that he has been there. I have some guilt that he is there and being forced to do what is being required of him. I'm glad too don't get me wrong -- but sometimes I think I can feel how he feels.

I am coming to realize that I am only a spectator of his life. He really has to control all of this.

I am so glad that your son REALIZES what happened to him. To me that sounds very promising. Don't write the end of the story (I learned that here). Hopefully something wonderful will come out of all of this.

 

[Toomanytears]

Welcome and glad you found us.

I can't even imagine the heartbreak you are feeling right now. Please be good to yourself.

I am happy to read your words on being tough on the young addict. Our son is in a 13 month faith based program and we will see him Saturday. I have not seen him since April. It is 2 months today that he has been there. I have some guilt that he is there and being forced to do what is being required of him. I'm glad too don't get me wrong -- but sometimes I think I can feel how he feels.

I am coming to realize that I am only a spectator of his life. He really has to control all of this.

I am so glad that your son REALIZES what happened to him. To me that sounds very promising. Don't write the end of the story (I learned that here). Hopefully something wonderful will come out of all of this.

Thank you RN.. Please enjoy your time this Saturday. Thinking back on numerous different programs our son attended, structure was the secret to success ~ temporary or not. I’m sure he is looking forward to seeing you more than he can explain.
I really like the wording “ I am only a spectator in his life..” How true. I can’t seem to get through the acceptance stage. After decades, our relationship is no doubt built on codependency. I’ve read and read on the topic and still can’t feel like I’m making any progress.
We are planning on seeing our son also Saturday and taking our grandson to see his daddy. I must enjoy the day for what it is, and not allow my mind to think how bittersweet it’s going to be.
I’ll be checking back to see how your visit went...
Blessings to you...

 

[Albatross]

Welcome, TMT. I am so sorry for the pain of it all. What a crushing blow.

As you said, a relapse can come at any time, to anyone, for any reason, or none at all. We all take a deep breath when our kids are doing well in their sober journeys, as we should. But there's definitely a reason why they say "One Day At A Time."

My son once stayed in a sober living facility owned by a man who had 2 other centers, chaired meetings several times a week and spoke at the local detox center, was such a model of inspiration and hope for the alcoholics and addicts in the area. Then a toxic ex-girlfriend came back into his life and he relapsed within a month, lost all three centers, his business went under, and he lost much of the respect of his community.

The story has a happy ending in that he got treatment and is now even stronger in his recovery. He's rebuilding his life around what he needs to stay sober. He's brought more vigilance and more compassion to his work with recovering addicts, because he knows firsthand how insidious addiction really is.

I hope the court will see your son's case as the case of a recovering addict who suffered a relapse and has learned from it, who will come out the other side of it stronger in his recovery and of even more help to his clients.

I have very high hopes for your son in his recovery. He knows what he needs to do now, both from personal experience and from his training. And hopefully both he and his wife can focus on his sobriety and what they need to do together to support that, for the sake of their marriage and your precious grandchild.

 

[Toomanytears]

Alba~
Thank you for the words of hope. We MUST have hope. There are many people who have recovered and rebuilt their lives from the ground up, not just once but numerous times. Their strength to adversity never ceases to amaze me.
With that said, my husband and I are really struggling the last few days as the “fall-out” of our sons actions is coming to the forefront. We’ve had a sheriff knock on our door to serve a “ civil matter”. He would not discuss the matter with us or with his attorney when she inquired. Banks, overdrafts, back child support contempt hearings, and he’s not even into the criminal charges yet. How does someone see a light at the end of the tunnel? Thankfully, he is still working the intensive rehab program, so I suppose now is the best time to unload all his mess where he can at least get some guidance and a reality check of what’s ahead.
As for us, we find ourselves “waiting for the other shoe to drop” - the stress is almost unbearable. Trying not to get sucked into the “ codependent “ lifestyle. Maybe just getting too tired of it all isn’t a bad thing??

 

[Copabanana]

when you've lost so much there's nothing left to lose.

i am not trivializing this.

he has his life; his health; his moral compass; parents who love him with all their hearts and respect him. his kids are okay. he has every single day to renew himself. and he is doing it. he has his dignity that comes from heartfelt desire to face himself and his life with honor and humility.

everything else is illusory. it can be gone in an instant. nobody has much more than has your son.

i admire him.

 

[Toomanytears]

when you've lost so much there's nothing left to lose.

i am not trivializing this.

he has his life; his health; his moral compass; parents who love him with all their hearts and respect him. his kids are okay. he has every single day to renew himself. and he is doing it. he has his dignity that comes from heartfelt desire to face himself and his life with honor and humility.

everything else is illusory. it can be gone in an instant. nobody has much more than has your son.

i admire him.

Copa-
You are so right. Thank you for reigning me in and giving me that brutally honest reminder. He IS fortunate and blessed. So are we. Thank you.

 

[Copabanana]

toomanytears,hi

i did not mean to be brutally honest. i meant to express my respect and care. for your son and you and your husband.

as bad as this is it could be so much worse. for you. for me.

there are so many chances left.

i believe i know some of how hard this must be.

i struggle too. a few days ago i lost it. i got so fogged up and angry at my son. i could not stand the pressure. thankfully i recovered myself and regained perspective.

my son has been doing better. i am so afraid. i begin to feel dread. i fear what could happen.

i worked my way back to the present. one day at a time.

there is just so much to be grateful for.