Hello All. Thank you so much for your comments and advice, I appreciate it more than I can express. So, the sad saga continues. He checked himself out today and was on my doorstep when I arrived home from work. I have to admit, I wasn't ready to see him and I especially wasn't ready to see him high. Apparently, while he was waiting for me and couldn't get in the house, he went to his friends house and smoked a blunt (marijuana). I was livid. But I still let him in nagging and enraged - threatening, but still letting him in. This is why I get what I get from him. Empty promises and no change. I'm on the cusp of being able to let go. I know I am. I just have a bit more to go to have peace of mind with it. I bought him a bus pass so that he can get to out-patient therapy tomorrow. At least I didn't give him money, right? My plan is this. If he backs out of therapy, gets high again or in any way isn't productive, then he's out. It seems solid on the surface until I face the reality that he won't continue therapy, he will get high again, and there will be a day in the near future where he just lays in bed in a pit of self pity. I'm just trying to get to the point where I can say that I've done all I can do and be okay with it. Right now, I know I've done all I can do, but I'm still not okay with it. I'm praying for the strength, I really am. I come from a mother that endured against all odds and I guess I'm just trying to be her because she did it, why can't I be as strong as she was? Reality - I should realize the fact that her "eduring" is probably what sent her to an early grave. But then again, isn't that what I should accept as my fate? I mean, he didn't ask to come here. There must be something that I did or didn't do or allowed or shouldn't have allowed along the way that got him to this point. Shouldn't I rescue him at all cost and accept what happens to me as a simple result of my ineffective parenting? The answer comes swiftly. I was there, I sheltered, I nurtured and protected. I'm not responsible for this and I am allowing it to continue and I do deserve some semblance of happiness. But how can I ever be happy with my son out in the world in a state of who knows what? I'm so conflicted and trying so hard to reconcile all of these thoughts. At the end of the day, I just feel... lost.