Hi WE,
I am so sorry for your aching heart. It is a hard, hard ordeal to watch our children grow up and stumble down a road we never imagined. They trip and fall, and we do everything we possibly can to try to catch them, to sort things out, to try to make things right again. You mentioned relapse, was your son clean for a time? I can't comprehend how it must be to feel the relief of that, then to have drug use rear its ugly head again.
It is said that it may take several times for an addict to attempt clean living.
I think it is the same for us, coming out of the rabbit hole and trying to grab our lives back.
It is a process.
I called 911 and cops and ems arrived and he is in the hospital now under observation.
I feel so powerless about everything right now. I have allowed my sons decisions to impact my life so much.
I am sorry for the pain of this. I hope that this will be a wake up call for your son.
If not, it can be yours.
We are powerless, all of us here who are faced with adult children gone off the rails.
That is a first step in recognizing that there is nothing we can do to change or fix the mess they create for themselves by their choices. Understanding how much impact this has on us is important. When we are so focused on our Difficult Child's, what they are doing,
it is life sucking. The sadness and dismay is overwhelming.
When I feel as you do, I pray. Leaning upon faith is very empowering. If you are not inclined, there are other ways to switch focus to what
you can control, your emotions and reactions. Meditation, therapy, groups such as alanon, naranon.
I came to the conclusion some years back that we are all captains of our own ships. Following our wayward d c's into the storm of their choices and consequences makes no sense.
That is two lives gone amuck.
What we wish most for our adult children, is that they practice self care, make better choices, live well. We cannot force them to do this, but we can lead by example and be the change we wish to see in them. Life is too short and precious to be tangled up along with them in the web of addiction. Addiction and drug use reduces our beloveds into someone we don't recognize. In turn, when we are caught up in their consequences, we live in despair. I see addiction personified, an invisible force that tries to affect everyone involved. In despair, it is difficult to make healthy choices for ourselves. We live in the sort of limbo that our kids live, following a downward spiral, they are jonesing for drugs, we can't live our lives with joy until they are clean. This begins to feel like love, that we cannot find peace until they are "fixed".
This is addiction infecting us. Addiction would have us weak and sad, not knowing which way to turn, not fully living our lives. When we are entangled in this misery, it is hard to see a way out. It is hard to change our mindset. Hard,
but not impossible.
they are the ones who have to commit to change and if they don't, nothing changes. Therefore, it is us who do the heavy lifting of change. And, that involves boundaries and stellar self care.
Heavy lifting of change. That is such an appropriate term. We have established patterns in our lives, and I believe that we fall in to a macabre dance alongside of our adult children. Like whirling dervishes. They go round and round into drug use and the consequences, we go into the fog, fear, obligation and guilt, feel responsible and determined to fix them. It is dizzying. Like a trance. Terrifying. Heart and gut wrenching. Over, and over, and over again.
There is no sacrifice we can make of our own lives, to stop the choice of another human being.
Even our beloveds.
I gave my two over to God. It is way too much for me to handle alone. That was a start for me to come out of the fog, believing
I could "help" them, answering every dramatic, chaotic call, giving up my own time, sacrificing my peace and joy. Reeling the tapes of their youth over and again, focusing on my parenting mistakes and feeling guilty and responsible.
Addiction would have us stay in this mindset, this pattern. There, dazed and confused, we are just as entrapped as our drug using adult children.
Breaking free is just as hard for us, as it is for them. But, if we disentangle ourselves, start to free ourselves from the web, we are showing them, that they can break free, too. We raised our children, we are their first mentors. Be the change you wish to see in your son. That is what you have control over, yourself. If you continue to feel helpless, powerless, get help. It is what we want our kids to do, get help.
If you feel no peace or joy, get help.
That is our drug abusing adult children's pattern, they feel no joy, unless they are high.
They don't take good care of themselves. They make terrible choices, and suffer the consequences.
It does no good for them, if we become martyrs over their addiction, and suffer along with them.
If you continue to say, "I cannot live well, until my son is better."
That is addictions grip.
You can live well.
You must.
Life is way too short to languish in despair over something we have no control over.
By grabbing our lives back and living well, we are telling addiction that it may have our kids for now, but it cannot have us.
It takes steps to break free from unhealthy patterns and mindsets we develop in the course of our children's journeys. Small steps. You have taken the first, extremely important step by recognizing you are powerless over your adult son's choices. Accepting this, is huge. I will never accept my twos choice to muck up their lives over drugs, but I can accept that there is nothing I can do to stop them. They have to decide.
It took some time for me to swallow that, and decide to take my own life back.
Stellar self care. I am going to repeat that in my head today. It is what we wish for our kids. Stellar self care.
It is not selfish, to practice self love. To set boundaries, to not allow anyone to tread upon us, our hearts.
You matter, WE, the rest of your life matters.
I am hoping that your son's relapse and hospitalisation will be a wake up call for him. If he does not heed that call, you can wake up from the nightmare of this.
Show him that life is so filled with beauty and opportunity, beyond addictions grip.
One day, one moment, one step at a time.
You are worth the effort.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy
