Advice on my 30 year old son

[Worriedmumalways]

Clearly. I don't know what country he's in. But I have lived in other countries. I am in USA now. The other countries I've lived in are 3rd world countries. Being from a first world country is a great advantage in getting work. First, it is the principal means of business communication. Second, people want to learn English.

The elephant in the living room is: He got himself there.

The other elephant in the living room: Do you really think bringing him back will mitigate against his creating problems for himself, and do you really think it will make him less vulnerable? My own son has created vulnerability for himself (and me) in my house and in my yard, and in front of my house. Sometimes I wish he was in a far-away land. Except then I'd be where you are. Worried about the plane home.

What we come to realize and to face is that what we do, we do for us: so that we can look in the mirror. So that we can sleep. So that we suffer less. If you need for yourself to do x, y, or z: do it. But know clearly, that it's for you. Not him. LET ME REPEAT: Not one thing that you do will be the right thing, as long as you locate the result in him. He controls him.

Again, I repeat. There's no right answer if it's about him. He is in full control. He will do what he wants over and over again. In Guatemala. In Nigeria. In Yugoslavia. In Finland. In Thailand. He will live as he wishes. What you do has no impact at all in his choices, his behavior, his well-being. Your money can only move him around the geographical map. The only arena where your actions have a bearing, is how you feel; how you live; how you think.

Thank you

 

[Worriedmumalways]

Welcome

You really really need to pull back and let your son take care of himself. You are not helping him at all by continuing to rescue him. Life is hard and he has to learn how to live HIS OWN LIFE with meaning and purpose as you should live your own life that way - we all should.

My son is 23 and there is no way I want to be financially supporting him for one second longer than is necessary. In fact, we do not charge him rent to live with us but he does pay for his own car payment, car insurance etc. We do not give him any money. He helps a lot around the house also. I think it's our responsibility as parents to teach our children to be independent. We will not live forever and we are entitled to our own life and happiness. We matter too!

Good luck and please take care of you!

Thank you - deep down I know you are right and I know what I should do. I am trying my very best to detach myself, and haven’t had contact with him since Monday. I really appreciate your time and effort in advising me - thank you. I hope you have a wonderful Easter

 

[Worriedmumalways]

And so you think you shouldn't have given him the $8000 he wanted to start over in the other country? Are there no jobs in the other country or no jobs HE feels are worthy of him? I was playing the same game as you are (until 3 days ago) when I gave my son the ultimate to meet me at the bank to take my name off of his account (was trying to get that done for 9 months) or I was closing it. period. end of game. mine is 22 and I. am. done. Yes hes is my baby,and the youngest of 3 and I love him but I do. not. like. him. Or his lack of work ethic or his attitude. DONE. You are already paying for his kids? who deserves you to spend the money on them? the children or the adult son? I watched Dr. Phil today. Another enabling mother of adult looser son. The manipulate the heck out of us and we look like idiots. When I heard the bullcrap he pulled on her and her responses I thought--"now go look in the mirror you fool"
Good luck. It is hard. but you are doing him NO favors by letting him manipulate you.

Thank you Tired Out, everyone has given such brilliant advice and I really appreciate it. I am trying to detach myself now and with every comment I read, it makes it a little easier. Thank you again, and I hope you have a lovely Easter weekend

 

[Worriedmumalways]

Here's the thing- if I was stranded in another country I would have to figure it out. I would have to find work to raise the money to get back. There's a good chance that will never happen to me because I don't travel internationally if I can't afford it. But the point is, I'm an adult, so I have to make my way. Your son is an adult as well. in my opinion this is his time to start figuring things out on his own. You are doing more than your share by raising his daughter. It's time for him to pick up the slack. I know this is hard, but if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Thank you for your words

 

[RN0441]

Hi Worried

I remember when I first came here with our son - a very long time ago - and people told me how it was and didn't sugar coat. It was hard for me to take too. I was like OMG that is my son and I love him. What??! I am not sure what I wanted to hear but what they said wasn't it and he was 15 so very young which made it very very hard. A minor!

Trust me. We all love them to the moon and back and that is why we are here searching for answers. I think that I may have come across cold but it really isn't my intent. We have to grow thick skin when dealing with this stuff and I think we do get a bit jaded by all of it and we just want to save YOU worry and heartache. As if that were possible. Like many have said and it's true, we are so worried and frantic and stressed and to them it's just another Tuesday!

Stay strong, get into therapy for yourself if you can and have a Blessed Easter.

 

[Copabanana]

I miss my gorgeous son of about 10 years old, but so dislike what he has become now.

This is me. Except I would change it to: I so dislike how he is living, now.

 

[Triedntrue]

Kind of stealing some of your post but it has a lesson. My son 37 who i had blocked because he asked for money and favors so much. He emailed me and i gave in and unblocked him. Since then i have given him numerous " favors" all of which cost money. Today since he has no vehicle and had to work and was having panic attacks he asked me to shop for him and gave me his ebt card which he said had a balance of 187 dollars. I fell for it and spent 178 on his groceries tried the card guess what 14 dollar balance. I had to put them on my credit card. Should have put them all back. Got home sent a text scheduled for when he gets off work and blocked him. It does not end!! I worry because of all the negatives in his life right now but they are not my fault they are his. The panic attacks he said he needs medications i sent him names of doctors and he found reasons they wouldn't work. I do not have custody of my grandaughter but i supply a lot of what he should and have her a lot. I have to keep the focus on me and my husband and grands. You should too so when your son is 37 you don't feel like an idiot like me.

 

[BusynMember]

Never believe they are hungry. They have food pantries all over and missions and, as gross as it sounds, most homeless will also dumpster dive and look for thrown out wrapped food from stores or people and eat. They learn when Aldis throws out their packaged food and grab it. Not many people starve to death in the U.S. There are many ways to get meals. But saying they are hungry tears at us so we send money. Never do it. Send peanut butter that you bought, not cash. A drug addict will spend every dime on drugs and hard drugs kill the appetite. They don't eat much which is why they get scary skinny. A food card should last all month if your son has no job. There is enough for one person.

Let the adult child, hardly a child, figure it out . Although they may be very immature and have a low mental age, as most have developmental arrests when they start using drugs, society sees your son as his age and nobody but maybe you will make allowances for immaturity.

Please remember to take care of yourself. Your son will surprise you at how well he gets his needs met without your money even if he lives on the street. The rest of his life is on him. We cant live forever nor always stay healthy once we hit our senior years. Most decent adult kids worry about us as we age. Thats really the norm. These adult kids seem to treat us like we are 25, rich, and will be able to help them forever. Best they learn thats not true.

 

[Triedntrue]

He is not at the moment homeless he is on house arrest and has a job but is afraid he may be getting fired. But thank you for your reply and concern i agree.