Advise Please From Wise Parents

[Albatross]

Just to get up to speed, Difficult Child is stranded somewhere in the Midwest because we gave him a bus ticket to catch a promised ride to a promised job, neither of which came to pass, and we would not rescue him again.

After days of rather nasty demands and berating us for it, then telling us he was dropping out of sight and we would never know if he lived or died, he just called husband on a number we did not recognize to say that he was robbed and has no phone, no driver's license, no social security card.

The evil and cynical part of me wants to make a few nasty remarks, but more importantly I am really, really, REALLY trying to let him live the consequences here, yet I also don't want to leave him without the ability to get a job, if things ever get bad enough that he finally decides he needs to.

I would note that he told us once before he was "robbed" and lost his license and social security card, but when he got back home he mysteriously had them in his wallet.

What would you advise?

 

[BusynMember]

can he show you a police report?

Id just not believe it unless he had some proof...but Im cynical. They tend to get robbed at strategic times. its one of their common coincidences to get us to help.

 

[so ready to live]

Oh Albie. You're responding to my dilemma when you have your own going on.
This is so tough but could you just wait a few days before responding to see how things play out? Maybe if it's a con, they'll be a new, different one, tomorrow? If not-he did find a phone to call you, and he'll call again-they ALWAYS do. As per your post script, SWOT is right about our rock bottoms. It's odd, I always wonder about people with functioning kids-exactly what do they worry about??? Prayers.

 

[RN0441]

It does sound fishy. Did they take his money too/did he have any money? I don't remember his past...drugs etc.

I honestly don't know what I would do but I'd imagine you don't want him home...it's a tough one.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I agree, this sounds squirrely at best. Its doubtful that he looked like he had anything worth stealing, so why would someone risk robbing him for possibly nothing? Robbers tend to scout their targets before committing the act because why bother robbing someone who doesn't have anything worth taking?

That being said, I know for a fact that there are a lot of churches and organizations in the mid-west that will help an individual to get their birth certificate, social security card, and state ID so they can actually get employment. Direct him to seek them out. The people at the local shelter (where he should be staying anyway) will know who to get him in contact with to get this....IF he actually needs it.

What was the busses destination?

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Yes, my son has been there done that many times. He has been robbed so many times, lost cash in his pocket due to no wallet, people chasing him, all sorts of stories.

Lot of churches, community organizations that will help him get his birth certificate, new social security card and Drivers license. They will help him get food, clothing, hand him gift cards to stores, etc. In fact tell him to go and find Salvation Army, they have the connections.

If you know what town, city he is in, you could research some places and give him the numbers to call. That is what I have done because my son, struggles due his mental IQ level to figure some things out. So I point him in the direction with the info he would need to get help where he is located.

 

[Albatross]

Thank you, all.

can he show you a police report?

Id just not believe it unless he had some proof

SWOT, I doubt he would have a police report, assuming it happened at all.

This is so tough but could you just wait a few days before responding to see how things play out? Maybe if it's a con, they'll be a new, different one, tomorrow? If not-he did find a phone to call you, and he'll call again-they ALWAYS do.

Ready, this is such good advice. husband and I feel a lot clearer about it, now that we have had some time to let it settle. It isn't an emergency.

It does sound fishy. Did they take his money too/did he have any money? I don't remember his past...drugs etc.

I honestly don't know what I would do but I'd imagine you don't want him home...it's a tough one.

Yes, it does sound fishy, now that I have had some time to think. He had no money, according to his demands for money and efforts to guilt us into sending him some.

there are a lot of churches and organizations in the mid-west that will help an individual to get their birth certificate, social security card, and state ID so they can actually get employment. Direct him to seek them out. The people at the local shelter (where he should be staying anyway) will know who to get him in contact with to get this....IF he actually needs it.

What was the busses destination?

Lot of churches, community organizations that will help him get his birth certificate, new social security card and Drivers license. They will help him get food, clothing, hand him gift cards to stores, etc. In fact tell him to go and find Salvation Army, they have the connections.

Jabber and IB, this is great advice and it is nice to know there is an answer that doesn't involve us. The bus dropped him off in Indiana last week, but he has been wandering since then. He SAYS he was robbed "on the Southside" and called from an Illinois area code -- I'm guessing he is in or near Chicago and wouldn't be surprised if he isn't exaggerating the danger level to try to get us to feel sorry for him.

Yes, my son has been there done that many times. He has been robbed so many times, lost cash in his pocket due to no wallet, people chasing him, all sorts of stories.

IB, this is what it sounds like to me too, with a little time and distance. It is likely just another story.

husband and I talked about it this evening and we are both on the same page. Assuming he calls again about it, we will tell him he will have to figure it out and direct him to the places that help with those things. Assuming he doesn't call again about it, we will chalk it up to another pity play.

Thanks, guys, for helping me find my footing.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I'm guessing he is in or near Chicago and wouldn't be surprised if he isn't exaggerating the danger level to try to get us to feel sorry for him.

Yeah, LOTS of services available for him in that area so my guess would be that he's exaggerating everything.

Thanks, guys, for helping me find my footing.

Glad you sorted it out!

 

[in a daze]

It's odd, I always wonder about people with functioning kids-exactly what do they worry about???

If they only knew....

 

[Albatross]

From late last night:

It wasn't just a robbery, his "pulse stopped" and he almost died. He isn't sure how much longer he has, but if he dies with no ID he isn't sure they will be able to tell us.

He doesn't know what he did but can't talk to us anymore.

He won't have access to internet or a phone anymore.

He will try to survive as long as he can.

He hopes we have awesome lives.

The calls came from a cell phone with an IL area code. He was on FB most of the evening.

As Cedar would say...huh.

I am hoping this ramping up is because he is uncomfortable with his situation.

 

[BusynMember]

Well, he is sure able to text well for someone on deaths doorstep.

Seriously, he must really need the money, probaby for drugs, to come up that story.

 

[karisma]

A good friend of mine from my NA group relapses often and comes up with silly stories like this all the time to elicit guilt, sympathy, money, or rx medications from other people, mainly family or men. Its ridiculous. She too, employs the "I almost died". So I ask (often not nicely), "From what?!"
Show me an injury so severe that you nearly died as a result!
That's what I thought.....

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

It wasn't just a robbery, his "pulse stopped" and he almost died. He isn't sure how much longer he has, but if he dies with no ID he isn't sure they will be able to tell us.

He doesn't know what he did but can't talk to us anymore.

He won't have access to internet or a phone anymore.

He will try to survive as long as he can.

He hopes we have awesome lives.

The calls came from a cell phone with an IL area code. He was on FB most of the evening.

Oh, Albatross, what is he doing! I remember when one of my kids would ~ I don't know. It's like they'd stepped away from their own integrity. That was heartbreaking for a mother to see. I do know that once the kids stopped using, they did, slowly it's true, become again good people.

I'm sorry this is happening.

What does he want you to do?

Can you force treatment as a condition of helping him?

Cedar

 

[Albatross]

What does he want you to do?

Can you force treatment as a condition of helping him?

I don't know what he wants us to do, Cedar. I think it has always been him wanting us to jump up and do anything we will to make it all better. In the past, it was probably more generous than what he would have asked for. It has always been more than sufficient to keep him coasting along for awhile.

I started to type up a long, bitter recital of what happened the last time we tried to force treatment 6 months ago, but there is no point.

I am feeling very discouraged, very angry today. My heart feels black inside.

Who does this? Who tells their parents these kinds of things? So he can drink all day and not work?! How much of this is alcohol talking and how much is just him?

I do know that once the kids stopped using, they did, slowly it's true, become again good people.

Thank you for your kind words. I am so very glad this happened, Cedar. I will hold onto this.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh Albie, Albie, I am so sorry for this. Ugh. One disaster to the next it is all too familiar.

husband and I talked about it this evening and we are both on the same page. Assuming he calls again about it, we will tell him he will have to figure it out and direct him to the places that help with those things. Assuming he doesn't call again about it, we will chalk it up to another pity play.

I was following along and relieved when I read this........then there was this.......

It wasn't just a robbery, his "pulse stopped" and he almost died. He isn't sure how much longer he has, but if he dies with no ID he isn't sure they will be able to tell us.

OMG. Are there instructions for them? "If parents do not respond immediately-RAMP it up a few notches." I am thinking of one of Darkwings posts about the habitual lying addicts use to get what they want. It becomes second nature.
Poor us.
How are we ever to know what is real and what is not? Did we not tell the story of the boy who cried wolf to them when they were young? We most certainly did, but it does not compute in this game of tug of war. It is hard, Alb, they would rip our hearts out to get what they want. It is beyond awful.
Well, you tried to help him with his plan. It reminds me of Tornados talk of going to Oregon. I am sure she would want me to get her a plane ticket, then if it didn't pan out it would be my fault too. I am so tired of all of it.
I hope you are okay. It is difficult enough already, do we really need higher degrees and levels of this? I am sorry you are going through this. The only thing I can say is.....BREATHE....and wait it out. Seems our d cs troubles are heaped upon us and we fret and worry, then a few days pass and they are fine. That is what I have experienced. I sometimes wonder what satisfaction is derived from whipping us up into a frenzy of worry and heartache and the only conclusion I have come to is that in that state, we just can't think clearly.
So, breathe.
One day at a time.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Who does this? Who tells their parents these kinds of things? So he can drink all day and not work?! How much of this is alcohol talking and how much is just him?

UGH, I see this in my two, also in the young men and women hanging about our mailbox area. It seems all they want to do is drink and party. UGH.
Then, when the chips are really down, expect parents to rush to their aide.
UGH.
Just UGH.
Leafy

 

[so ready to live]

Oh Albie. So sorry.

Who does this? Who tells their parents these kinds of things? So he can drink all day and not work?! How much of this is alcohol talking and how much is just him?

I believe this is my kid you're speaking of today--yesterday's text to us"could I have my birthday $ early (his BD 7/10) we don't have any food or gas". We translate--"it's 4th of July and we are wanting to party" You know what we did? Left 100.00 in envelope on our porch to just get rid of him, as we couldn't take it any longer. We then went to the rodeo and fireworks in order to not be home. Actually had a good time. This does get us out of taking him out for dinner on BD and clothes shopping which is what we had planned and I was dreading. Because NOTHING IS EVER ENOUGH. Now we can just call him to say happy birthday. Screwed if you do, screwed if you don't. ....just so he (and girlfriend) can drink all day and not work.

How are we ever to know what is real and what is not?

So true--we don't. Our variation of "not my monkeys, not my circus" is "you can get the monkey off your back but the circus never leaves town" Our circus has been in town 29 years. Who lives like this??? We do. Much love to you today-do something for you, just for you. Prayers.

 

[Tanya M]

From late last night:

It wasn't just a robbery, his "pulse stopped" and he almost died. He isn't sure how much longer he has, but if he dies with no ID he isn't sure they will be able to tell us.

He doesn't know what he did but can't talk to us anymore.

He won't have access to internet or a phone anymore.

He will try to survive as long as he can.

He hopes we have awesome lives.

The calls came from a cell phone with an IL area code. He was on FB most of the evening.

As Cedar would say...huh.

I am hoping this ramping up is because he is uncomfortable with his situation.

Deja Vu for me. This sounds all to familiar to several phone calls / texts I have received from my son in the past. One time when my son called to tell me had been robbed I told him "now you know how dad and I felt all times you stole from us" He called me an F*^&%#@ B*^%# and hung up on me.
Another time he sent me a text telling me that he needed help because he had a huge gash in his leg and that it may need to be amputated. I replied that he needed to get to an emergency room. The next day on FB he posted about his nice long hike in the mountains. Amazing he could do that with the huge gash in his leg.

Yes, I believe your son is just ramping it up.

Who does this? Who tells their parents these kinds of things? So he can drink all day and not work?! How much of this is alcohol talking and how much is just him?

I'm so sorry you have had to endure this. I have been there too wondering "who does this". I have learned the more desperate our d_c's become the more elaborate their stories can be.

For myself, I had to dig my heels in and be firm in my resolve to not give in to any of my sons pleas for help. Over time my son finally got the message that I was not going to be manipulated into giving him money. I also had to come to terms that my son may very well die and that I may never know. I used to let my mind run wild thinking of all the horrible scenarios that could happen to my son while being homeless. I came to realize that this was very unhealthy for me. I was robbing myself of precious energy. All my worrying and visualizing would not change one thing for my son. I realized that anyone of the horrible scenarios could very well happen. I didn't like it but once I accepted it for what it is I was able to move on and let go of all the fear and anxiety that went with it.

The only time I would hear from my son was when he wanted something from me. I never get a call, text, or PM on FB to just say "hey mom thinking about you"

As long as our d_c's continue to put their drugs first we the parents will only be acknowledged when they want something, usually money.

Hang in there Albatross!! Sending you ((HUGS))

 

[Jabberwockey]

One time when my son called to tell me had been robbed I told him "now you know how dad and I felt all times you stole from us"

I LOVE this response Tanya! During the time our son was stealing from us our sons mantra was "I don't want you guys to think of me as a druggie, liar and thief". My response..."Then stop doing drugs, stop lying to us, and stop stealing from us!". He was unimpressed by this response.

 

[karisma]

We really do all experience the same things
Son texting last night
" I need to see you, I just got assaulted"
Yeah right. Does he really think I would buy that?
A little later he texts
" cleaning up blood...."
Sure.
My response was something like. "If I could see you I would, but do not lie to me about being assaulted..talk to you tomorrow"
And what do you know? Not a scratch on him today.