Advise Please From Wise Parents

[Albatross]

He's doing pretty well, working hard and working a lot of hours. He came over to watch the NFL game yesterday with us. He said he thinks his antidepressants are working, and he's sleeping a lot better. The look on his face was better, not so drawn and tired, more open.

I am very glad to hear that, COM. It sounds like good news on many fronts. He has come so far in these 2 years. I totally understand about the reasonable assistance. We have all been in that spot where our "help" is used to their detriment, but we also want to help when they are helping themselves and sincerely just need a little help. It is a day to celebrate when we can offer help in the spirit it is intended.

Unfortunately, my son is not at that point yet. Lost job and lost spot in shelter due to failing a drug test, on his way to yet another geographical cure, lots of feeling sorry for himself.

The only positive I see is that at least he admits it is on him, not on someone or something else.

I feel good about not stepping in with any financial assistance, as I believe it only hurts him (and us) until he shows some long-term change. But it is difficult to not step in emotionally. I am sorry to say I gave him a big ol' lecture today. It is hard to remember that he just can't see it all clearly. Baby steps, for him and for me.

 

[mof]

Sometimes when we convince ourselves we will stay silent because you know it's just our energy we will use...suddenly we switch to that Mom who is so frustrated that all of it comes pouring out.

Be good to yourself! I appreciate all your comments!

 

[Snow White]

Albie, it sounds like you could have written our story! I just had a chance to go through this thread from the beginning. Lost/stolen items are a frequent complaint and because she's in a foreign country, it takes FOREVER for her bank card to be replaced. "Mom, I am not going to be able to eat tomorrow. I have no money. Do you think you could send $500? Otherwise the alternative is something you won't like."

When I tell her that she needs to get a job and get her finances in order, all I get back is, "I regret nothing I've done. And who says that my financial issues are due to "poor choices" I live in ASIA. Do I need to remind you that happens that is out of my control? You live a safe and secure life. You're not on the road. And you're not in a foreign country. That said. I KNOW for a fact you have at LEAST $200-$500 to help me with." She sent this in April. Since then, she's asked for bailouts in June, July (jail) and a week ago. She said if we didn't help her she would burn her passport so that they would deport her home.

When I read through your posts and then read emails/texts from our daughter, I clearly see the pattern and how we have fallen into the trap. I'm so glad that you are finding the strength to let you son experience natural consequences. We are trying to do that now, too. I'm thinking of you!

 

[Lil]

And who says that my financial issues are due to "poor choices" I live in ASIA. Do I need to remind you that happens that is out of my control? You live a safe and secure life. You're not on the road. And you're not in a foreign country.

My first thought reading that is: Wasn't going to live in ASIA a choice?

 

[Snow White]

My first thought reading that is: Wasn't going to live in ASIA a choice?

Exactly! I've reminded her so many times that traveling to Europe/Asia was her idea. But now it's an excuse.

 

[RN0441]

Albie

Just read this. You are in the same boat as us! OMG this is torture. My first time with him roaming.

I am seeing my therapist tonight to see if she can guide me on how to "accept" this new reality.

If anyone can say something I could really use it!

UGH.

 

[Snow White]

Albie

Just read this. You are in the same boat as us! OMG this is torture. My first time with him roaming.

I am seeing my therapist tonight to see if she can guide me on how to "accept" this new reality.

If anyone can say something I could really use it!

UGH.

Hang in there, RN. Good for you to see the therapist. Our Difficult Child has been "roaming" for over 2 years now. At first, I would always try to find out where she was - names of the hostels or friends - track her movements. Although I worry constantly about the bad things (getting pulled into a prostitution ring, doing bad/fatal drugs, etc.), those don't turn out to be the issues that are really worrisome. She gets into physical fights, abuses drugs/alcohol, etc. She wants to live her own life. I'm trying to let her do that. As of right now, I don't know what city/country she is in.

Lately, every time I catch myself trying to control situations or have major feelings of guilt, I take a couple of really deep breaths and reflect on the world has not come to an end because I am letting go.

Your son will manage, as will my daughter. They will continue to make their choices, as will we. We need to accept this. The group is here for you, if you feel you are wavering or just need a hug.

 

[AppleCori]

We didn't think our D C could function on his own, either.

And he didn't, until we and his mom stopped enabling him.

He had very little work ethic, and a learning disability that made both of his parents convinced that he couldn't learn to do anything.

Now, he has been supporting himself for around three years! He is still going from job to job, and some of his jobs have been working for people that are kinda sketchy and don't pay him promptly, but he has learned to make his way on his own. He hasn't asked for money in the last couple of years, but he has asked his dad for advice a few times, on how to handle something.

He is now also a staunch libratarian who believes in everyone pulling their own weight and no handouts (as well as legalizing drugs). Not exactly my belief system, but at least he has one and is living according to his beliefs. He also likes the physical work, so that he stays fit.

His dad would like him to go to school and get some kind of skill like welding but at this point he is not ready. I keep telling dad not to push it. He will get there when he is ready. Or not. But he can't be pushed to do anything. That never works for this kid.

One thing I found out--he never spent even one night sleeping. He always managed to find a place to sleep.

 

[AppleCori]

Added--he never spent even one night sleeping outside.

 

[RN0441]

Apple
He used to have a drug problem?

 

[AppleCori]

Oh yes, he started taking drugs at age 12 , he says.

He was using "spice" when we had to throw him out at age 18 because of his behavior. He went back and forth between our house, his mom's, several different friend's houses, etc. Once, when his mom kicked him out and he had non place to go he went to the ER and told them something that got him involuntarily put in the hospital.

He got kicked out of every friends house for his behavior which included stealing, not cleaning up after himself, erratic behavior, violence, etc.

He still drinks alcohol like a fish. Not sure if he does other drugs. He is now renting a small apartment with a friend who seems to be a pretty good young man, and is a little more stable than D C, though only 20 years old.

They seem to be making their way.

I never thought his NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) was as debilitating as his parents seemed to think.

 

[Albatross]

Albie

Just read this. You are in the same boat as us! OMG this is torture. My first time with him roaming.

I am seeing my therapist tonight to see if she can guide me on how to "accept" this new reality.

If anyone can say something I could really use it!

I'm sorry, RN. I know what it's like to be in the barrel like you are right now. It's awful.

One thing I wish I could have back is all the hours I have spent worrying that he was cold/hungry/in the hospital and unconscious/whatever horribles my mind could conjure. There are plenty of reasons to worry, but:
(1) Most of it is in my imagination, because my son is not only very resilient, but very creative in finding ways to get what he wants.
(2) My worry does not do one bit of good.

Take the past week as an example. We had not heard from him in about 10 days, then received a message that he had blown a drug test, thus losing his job; had gotten his money, backpack, and phone stolen; and had gotten kicked out of the shelter, all with winter on the horizon. How awful, right?

But geez, we've just heard it all so many times before, I just get numb to it after awhile.

So I didn't get worked up this time, just messaged him some generic "mom" type stuff...sounds awful, hope you work it out, etc. I even forgot to tell hubs about it until the next day.

Part of me feels so bad about reacting this way. How did this become the new normal?

Yesterday he messaged me. He talked the shelter into another 10 days' stay, bought a bus ticket, and is leaving at the end of the month to go on an 800-mile hike, through a very remote section of the Southwest.

So...either he bought a bus ticket with no money and is going on a hike through the desert with no phone, no equipment, and no backpack (not likely), OR he made up the whole story. He probably doesn't even remember what he told me.

 

[BusynMember]

I was going to say he probably made it up and hoped you'd buy him new stuff. He could sell those items for drug money or the bus ticket to nowhere.

Drug addicts may be very sweet when they aren't using. They are not so nice when they are. I'm really sorry. Sadly, I feel you are catching on. Drug users lie, lie, lie.

 

[mof]

Albee,

Sorry for the emotional see saw...but glad y o u are not wrapped up so tight in his truth or lies.

Sorry is hard to push aside...man is it..but it is so counter productive.

It seems you have come so far because if not...your existence would be miserable...good for you and your joy. It always broke my heart to think the hell they put us through...they never felt it.

Such a selfish disease.

 

[Albatross]

Sorry for the emotional see saw...but glad y o u are not wrapped up so tight in his truth or lies.

Sorry is hard to push aside...man is it..but it is so counter productive.

It seems you have come so far because if not...your existence would be miserable...

I am back on the seesaw again and feeling pretty miserable. A very rough few days on the playground.

He only communicates through FB messaging because he says his phone was stolen. Sometimes he responds to messages, sometimes he just ignores them.

He says he is not living at the shelter anymore and is living next to a creek and has a sleeping pad and some winter clothes. He says he left the shelter because it is "not safe and they don't help me." It is not like him to leave a place that would provide shelter and food, so I don't think that is why he left the shelter.

He says he is leaving tonight, in the middle of the night. He is no longer hiking through the Southwest desert, but is instead hiking the Continental Divide Trail.

Of course he knows there is danger in being out in the wilds at altitude in the winter, even WITH proper equipment, but with no tent and no gear?

But when I message him that we are very worried about his safety and that he needs to take winter seriously, he does not respond.

Why is he leaving in the middle of the night? Because he "would rather deal with bears than people."

When I asked him how he is going to fund the trip, he said he "set up a webpage" and is going to post pictures and blog about his trip. But he won't tell me the site. I don't know how he could blog about anything when he has no phone and no internet access. I don't know how he could share pictures when he has no camera.

Why is he doing this? It feels like he is trying to "crack" us or something.

His birthday is coming up, and a few days ago he asked for "food for the trip."

He is 2000 miles away, so how would we get him food? He was really asking for money. We told him (as we have told him for awhile now) that we will not send him money or financially support him when he is capable of supporting himself.

That is when the danger level of the trip started to escalate.

Out of the shelter 5 days early and living in the woods.

The Continental Divide Trail in the middle of winter, in the middle of the night even, with no gear.

The claim to have only "$3 and some fishing equipment and that's it because they cut off my food stamps" even though yesterday he told me he had $200 and was working a day labor job today.

The request to pass along hateful messages to people he feels have wronged him, "if I die out there."

The claim that the shelter "only taught me to be a full-time bum, so now I'm living like Steinbeck," whatever that means.

Usually hubs is quicker to defend son than me, but hubs is furious. Hubs says son doesn't appreciate anyone else's feelings and is only capable of seeing his own. Hubs says son needs to take control of his life.

So what to do?

I worry about his mental health. I really do. But the timing of all of this seems so calculated. I would hate to be wrong about not believing him, but this seems quite orchestrated.

Your thoughts?

I probably know the answer.

But this really sucks.

 

[BusynMember]

Are you sure he isn't just making this up to get you to send money? It sounds dramatic and very far fetched. It doesn't make sense either, if he has no internet. Are you sure he isn't just trying to scare you?

I suspect you do know the answer.

 

[mof]

Oh the pain and stress they so easily heap on us. Just a sentence and we are running scenarios in our heads.

So how in the world...desert, continental divide does he post, set up websites and conveniently think he can access money he MIGHT be given?

Truly...even without a mental issues that are illness this would be a puzzle.

How are you to sort thru the lies...the amazing stories and the truth that is really the true pain of it all.

It is hard enough to read body language of a loved one..but text is even harder.

The playground you play on is in disrepair...tread carefully. You do not need to be injured...He doesn't seem to want to injure himself either, for he looks to the future.

Many hugs to you and positive thoughts

 

[RN0441]

Albie
So sorry to hear this is the communication you are having to deal with. I know firsthand it is so very painful.....

I agree it does sound rather far fetched and made up and definitely could be a way to manipulate you. Our Difficult Child are so good at that especially with mothers.

Birthdays are so very hard. I was so sad on my son's 21st birthday for all the crap that has happened and that it just wasn't a joyous occasion.

Can you block him and just let your husband deal with him so you don't have to torture yourself?

I am still doing that and I talked to therapist last night and she said "you need time to heal". I don't know what that looks like or how long it will take but it's very true. We all need that.

 

[Lil]

Oh Albie - I'm so sorry. I agree, I think he's trying to scare you into something. He's not an idiot. He knows not to go into the mountains with winter coming on without even a tent. Even if you get kicked out of a shelter, there's always another in the next town over. As for food, there's not a lot you can do there even if you want to. I have sent my son things by buying them on Wal-Mart.com and having him pick them up, but that's the best you can do...and there's nothing preventing him from returning things and getting money back, though maybe it would be on a gift card...I'm not sure. But he knows how to find food.

Big hugs - I expect I'll be in your boat sooner rather than later.

 

[BusynMember]

There are many soup kitchens and even more food pantries. Nobody needs to starve in the U.S. Healty food is always available and it's free there are also food cards. Food should be the last concerns. It is all over. We have four food pantries in our little city and only 18,000 residents. I doubt any place has none.