Affirmation from a Different Source.......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by New Leaf, Aug 8, 2018.

  1. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I was at sons paddling practice yesterday when who should I see out of the corner of my eye.......Rain. I haven't seen her in months and I expect that it was not happenstance. For her lifestyle, homeless and Lord knows whatever comes with that, she looks okay, clean, her complexion is clear. She is not the picture of what my catastrophic mind sees, unkempt, greasy and mumbling to herself.
    Thank God.
    I started to tell her of my woes with Tornado. She said "It is not her fault, the guy who gave her the moped didn't tell her it was stolen." I replied "How do people on the streets just come across "free" mopeds????" She said "They are all over the place, people take them apart and fix them up."
    Oh, hello, chop shop moped= many stolen mopeds.
    She went on to say that Tornado is probably looking at 1-5 years, and it may be a good thing for her, to get cleaned up.
    SHOCKER MUCH?
    Rain said that she is tired of listening to Tornado whine about her life, that she had it good and makes things up to excuse her way of living. She was "fed up with her attitude and "batting her eyes" to get her way", that Tornado was expecting "her to take on her three kids." She said she told her they were HER kids. I said "Why doesn't she just turn over custody to their grandparents?" , which surprised Rain because she thought she did. She looked down and said "It's the money." Meaning the EBT, Tornado fraudulently gets for her kids, that is a whole nother story...........and a felony, besides. If their grandfather decides to turn her in, she is in much bigger trouble.
    I told Rain about Tornados call to the kids, how she just promised to "Buy them things when she gets out."
    My poor grands. I told her their reaction as we spoke of the call, they both said "Tutu, my heart hurts."
    Rain looked down and shook her head. She looked at me with teary eyes and said she had to go.
    I told her that I hoped she understood that I was not bailing Tornado out, and I would not sponsor her.
    She said that she understood, that Tornado would probably skip out on court and then I would "owe all that money."
    Then she rode her bike off to wherever she was going.
    Sigh.
    Rain also mentioned that Tornado "snuck out a letter to her through a released inmate", which she said is a big violation of rules.
    Tornado is stretching jail rules already.
    Not smart.

    God speaks in mysterious ways.

    I see a little change in Rain, a softening.
    I am grateful that she sought me out, to let me know that I am doing the right thing by not bailing her sister out.
    It is interesting, that even she could not handle her sister, being at the same park with her. I am hoping this will help Rain see the road she may be heading down, if she continues to use meth. She is disgusted that her sister has abandoned her children, and uses the funds meant for them to support her selfish drugging lifestyle.

    My dear friends, I am so thankful for your help and guidance through this new chapter.

    It is a hard thing to have two adult children on the streets, well one now, and one in jail. I have often thought that jail would be a good thing, a forced detox, but when faced with it, it is another battle within.... between my soft mushy "rescue mode" (which is not a rescue at all) to my steady state stoic voice of reason.
    I am trying to take the emotions out of it.
    Reminding myself that Tornado is a master manipulator and I have to keep my guard up.
    Fool me once............
    The saga continues.
    This is HER saga, and I am but an observer.
    It is up to her, what she will do.
    Somewhere in there buried deep, is the Tornado I once knew.
    I hope she wakes up through all of this.
    Only time will tell, and she is going to have plenty of that, if she is found guilty.
    I am more and more on the thought train that Tornado is right where she needs to be.

    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
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  2. CareTooMuch

    CareTooMuch Active Member

    So glad you got affirmation on your several fronts Deep breaths and day by day Hugs.
     
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It occurred to me while reading your post that you have now connected with both of your daughters....one is tucked away in jail, hopefully detoxing, and the other, as you mentioned, looks better than you imagined she would. It isn't a perfect scenario of course, putting aside the obvious sorrow of our kids being out there, in our view, unprotected, unsafe and living in danger. However, as you saw, Rain looks ok, she made an effort to see you and agreed with you on your choice to not bail Tornado out and, maybe the most poignant, she has empathy for Tornados kids.

    Like you Leafy, I've been at this a long time......there is much suffering and many struggles....but occasionally, I believe we receive a bit of clarity to keep our hearts from drowning in misery.
    Just as a fresh perspective.....
    ....you now know where Tornado is. She is 'safe', has a bed and meals.
    ....you know she is free of drugs for the first time in a long time and that will continue.
    ....Tornado may find opportunities for rehab or other options as she travels this new path.
    ....you looked deep within and determined your boundaries in this particular situation....not easy, but necessary, and you did it.
    ....you now know that Rain is looking better than you thought. So that awful image you held is gone and a new one replaces it.
    ....she sought out a connection with you.
    ....she is holding her own in the world she chose.
    ....she is supportive of your decision and sees jail as a positive for her sister.
    ....she validated your feelings about Tornado
    ....she exhibited empathy and compassion.

    From a certain perspective, there are positive results. We live in a sort of alternative universe here where everything seems upside down and sideways most of the time.......however, I see a lot of forward motion in these new developments Leafy. Our hearts take a pounding...but sometimes there are silver linings.....I believe you have some serious silver linings here.
    Many hugs coming your way........
     
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  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I agree there are some reasons to feel some sense of relief. Praying they continue and get even better. Hoping rains show of empathy she applies to herself and seeks help.
     
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  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    :bpotd: You are my hero.
     
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  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Agree with RE word for word.

    You are doing the right thing. Let the consequences be. Do not change them. Do not interfere.

    I always say that things happen for a reason. Maybe this is an answer to your prayers. I'd much rather have my son in jail that on the street.

    Hugs.
     
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  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone, resting after a long work day. Two calls from Tornado which I declined to answer. I have decided not to speak with her at work. I am sure she has some choice words for me and no sense hearing that while I am working.
    Thank you CTM. It is a relief and strengthens my resolve, for sure.
    I have to look at the blessings, however small, they are still there.

    That clarity is so important to look for. A glimmer of hope in the darkness of it all.
    Thank you Re. I do see the silver linings and am grateful for them. Hugs back at you and many thanks for your being here and sharing your positivity.
    I hope so too. Rain always had a soft spot for children. Underneath all of the toughness, she is a beautiful person.

    Oh Pasa, the same goes for you. We just have to keep trekking forward, no matter what our wayward kids do.
    I feel the same way about jail versus the streets. I am sure there are ways for Tornado to find trouble in there, but she will have to figure that out and make good choices. After a year of free wheeling, and derailing further off the tracks, it must be intensely restricting. I do not think there is any other way to save her from herself. I am sticking to my guns. Not stepping in.
    Thank you all for rallying by my side. I am counting my blessings and extremely grateful for your help.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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  8. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    That is an interesting development, Leafy. I feel optimistic on a number of fronts.

    RE, what a beautiful post.
     
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi Leafy;
    I have been deep in my own back yard lately and have not had the time to be on here lately.
    This post has me very emotional for a number of reasons. First the recognition that “It is what it is”, you are not enabling and are in a loving and kind frame of mind. That is a supremely challenging position to be in. When they observe us and engage with us I often wonder what they are thinking.

    This has been a long haul Leafy. My heart is with you.
     
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you LBL. It has been a long haul. I cannot be heavily emotionally vested in their choices and consequences. It is like a slow death inside of me. I have not hardened my heart, just gone into a self preservation mode. I love them dearly and have absolutely no power or control over what their next moment may look like.
    I have to focus on my own life, try as best can to help my son prepare for his step into adulthood.
    I think that Rain understands this. I hope so. Only time will tell. She is almost 39. Maybe one day, she will find her way back from the grip of meth and street life.
    I can’t let that be the focal point in my life. It does no good for any of us.
    My two, have to take responsibility for their own choices. Just as I have to, for mine.
    I tried my best when they were young, to build character, teach values. I am grateful for what my parents taught me. I am hoping the good that I worked hard to instill in the heart of them will one day shine through.
    That is up to them.
    I intend to continue step by step, to take my life back, find peace and joy and count my blessings. It is because no amount of my sadness and despair over their consequences, will change anything for them, and it is a dead end street for me.
    I hope all is well with you and your husband, and that E continues on a better path! Much love, hope and
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  11. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Just got caught up on this post, Leafy. I honestly do not know how you keep it together. A hero amongst us!

    I believe that sometimes we look for the "biggest" positive achievement and neglect to appreciate the work by our kids to gain smaller milestones. I hope that your girls will see the need to change their paths just as you need to take care of yours. And special prayers for the grands.

    I only hope that I can continue on as positively as you are.

    Hugs to you.