Am I Over-Reacting?

[Marguerite]

"How were we supposed to know to ask whether she took the bus to school? It makes me wonder what else I should be asking? Clearly, she will not tell me otherwise."

You've now brought it to her attention. I would emphasise that while before, she may have not thought you needed to know, but she now knows differently. Make a point of keeping her informed of your own movements, but also require this of her. "It's very kind of the other mother to give you a lift, I'm not at all saying that she shouldn't, or that you shouldn't have accepted, but from here on, just keep us informed just so we won't worry. It's an important habit to get into, one which I will also work on so you won't worry either, about where any of the rest of us might be."

About Ivan Milat - here are a couple of links. His is only one case of many of this sort of thing, the reason why parents worry. He was able to kidnap, rape and murder individuals as well as couples, who you would have thought would be better able to keep themselves safe. He did it by first winning their trust (they were driving along one of Australia's major highways, what could go wrong?) and then by immobilising one victim while he took his time with the other, before returning to take his time again, with the remaining one. I won't go into more detail here, but it shows that you really need to know the rules about keeping yourself safe, and then not trusting that it will be enough.

WIkipedia : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Backpacker_murders

If you read forensic or detective stories, this will be right up your alley. Otherwise... it's chilling, gruesome and worrying. The guy will never be released, but he won't talk and there is a lot of conjecture about whether he really did act alone, and how many other murders he has committed.

Marg

 

[DaisyFace]

Hi Marguerite--

I actually do enjoy "true crime" stories...and it may sound funny, but learning about criminal behavior patterns makes me feel a little safer--a little more aware of 'danger signs'.

My husband and I never do anything without checking in with the other. If he is going to be late he will call and vice versa. We are not asking anything of difficult child that we do not do ourselves.

To try and get our point across about the seriousness of this situation...we asked difficult child (who loves to write) to write us a five-page story about what could possibly happen to a girl who accepts a ride with someone her parents don't know and without telling anyone that she is getting in the car. The worst consequences difficult child could come up with were being "kidnapped" and the kidnappers then drop her off at the wrong address or angering her parents--who then force her to write an essay.

AND she seems far more concerned about being "caught" then about anything else...

That's why I say I wonder what else I should be asking about? It seems like she is only admitting to what we already know...

--DaisyF

 

[DDD]

What a creative and caring way to approach the situation. Having your daughter write certainly was a great gateway to future discussion. Did she tell you exactly who the girls is, when they met, if they share a class or two etc.? I would think that information would flow if there is no reason for concern.

Evidently my references to avoiding confrontation sounded accusatory in some way. I did not intend that to happen. From experience I know that many parents (myself included) don't recognize the changes that take place in early teens and see issues as confrontations. That part of my response to your post was a suggestion to avoid power struggles if possible as opposed to following some previously made suggestions. That's the best part of the CD family, I think. We often see things in entirely different ways and reading the diverse opinions allows each of us to find our own comfort zone.

Sending my most positive vibes to your family. DDD

 

[DaisyFace]

What a creative and caring way to approach the situation. Having your daughter write certainly was a great gateway to future discussion. Did she tell you exactly who the girls is, when they met, if they share a class or two etc.? I would think that information would flow if there is no reason for concern.

Evidently my references to avoiding confrontation sounded accusatory in some way. I did not intend that to happen. From experience I know that many parents (myself included) don't recognize the changes that take place in early teens and see issues as confrontations. That part of my response to your post was a suggestion to avoid power struggles if possible as opposed to following some previously made suggestions. That's the best part of the CD family, I think. We often see things in entirely different ways and reading the diverse opinions allows each of us to find our own comfort zone.

Sending my most positive vibes to your family. DDD

Thanks DDD!

I did not think your post was accusatory at all....and since even minor things have a tendency to erupt into huge angry battles in this household--I thought that your 'non-confrontational' approach made a lot of sense.

And we have told difficult child that we want to meet and speak with her friend's parents before we are comfortable with her accepting any more rides to school. And after that--ANY ride with ANYONE needs to be cleared with parents before getting into the car.

I hope she understands where we are coming from...

 

[Marguerite]

"My husband and I never do anything without checking in with the other. If he is going to be late he will call and vice versa. We are not asking anything of difficult child that we do not do ourselves."

Exactly! It sounds like you do what we already do. She needs to take this on board, you need to include her in this loop also (like part of a triumvirate, instead of parents and child, at least on this score). It's not checking up on each other, it's keeping each other in the loop. Very different.

As for what else she could be getting up to - you will increasingly find there are thigs she's not telling you. This is typical teen stuff. All you can do is build in te stuff you DO want, and hope tat she learns to confide in you when she is reallty stuck.

You have done the best you could do until now, but you have reached the point with her where all you have done now has to come home to roost. She will increasingly look to her peers now for influence, rather than you. Your hard work now begins to pay off (hopefully) as she tries to put it into practice. She will make mistakes. But you have to do a lot more sitting on your hands, or yourisk driving her further away.

A strong suggestion - when she does come to you with a problem, don't punish. If she has come to you, that should negate most punishments. Common sense and natural consequences should now (increasingly) be sufficient. For example, if she comes to you and says she broke your favourite vase while playing ball inside the house, natural consequences should be that she replaces the vase. Your task now is much more guidance and much less control, than ever before. It's a very difficult transition. Your idea of writing an essay in tis situation - very creative. I liked her response too ("your mother may make you write an essay!"). Another option is to role-play it.

Interestingly on the topic of getting a lift with someone and bending the rules, I was watching an episode of "Northanger Abbey" last night, and that is what happens to the heroine in the story. She is supposed Occupational Therapist (OT) meet someone and her 'friends' tell her that the person she is to meet has gone without her, and she should accept a ride form this other person. She reluctantly does so, and then discovers she has been deceived when she sees the person who was supposed to give her a lift, arriving as she is being driven off. She asks to be let down and her driver refuses, he has his own reasons for wanting her to himself (nothing nasty - yet). But she WAS handled deceitfully, and it damaged her social standing and her reputation so she had to do some fast talking to try to make it better later on.

I'm thinking, now could be a good tiime to broaden your daughter's education in other ways, including reading the link I sent you, plus perhaps a good grounding in Jane Austen in general. If she can't hack the original novels, "Clueless" the movie is based on Jane Austen's "Emma". There are some really good classics revisted out there in film. "Ten Things I Hate About You" is another. You may feel your daughter is still too young - you need Occupational Therapist (OT) be the judge of that. Watch them yourself first to make your call.

My daughters, easy child especially, watched "Degrassi Junior High" from VERY young (a lot of parents felt it was inappropriate, but for us it paid off). She learnt a great deal of the social ins and outs, as well as how to be on her guard, from such programs.

It really sounds like you're handing it well.Good for you!

Marg

 

[DaisyFace]

Marguerite--

I truly appreciate your vote of confidence--but to tell you the truth, I am not sure that we handled it well because I am not sure that she truly "gets" it.

This evening, husband had the chance to speak to the friend's Mom about the rides to school--and the parent was surprised to hear that difficult child had not mentioned the rides to us, and felt bad that we had not known.

O I wish there was a parenting "manual"...!

 

[Marguerite]

If she doesn't get it - at least you tried. You're not responsible for her level of brain immaturity, all you can do as parents is to try to take tjat into consideration and be ready with a repeat lesson when she is more likely to 'get it'.

You're doing a good job, you and your husband. Hold that thought; you will need it as she gets older.

Marg