Am I steering my own, true course or heading for the rocks?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Copabanana, Nov 11, 2018.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    What a wonderful turn of events Copa. I am so very happy for you take the wins when you can get them.
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  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    One step at a time.
  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    They can go either way Copa. In our case Goneboys now wife pulled him away from us. And Barts wife wanted the grandson to be with HER family only. The girls tend to have the family power. My girls are definitely in charge in their homes.

    And relationships can fall apart.

    To his credit, Lils son moved away and was already taking steps to work. He is for all purposes right now living a conventional life. Fiance didnt make him do anything he wasnt already doing. Or wanted to do.

    More often at least on this forum, having a partner can make things even worse. Adult kids in jail have children they dont take care of. The partner is a druggie. The partner breaks a heart.

    Dont overestimate what a partner would do for J. It depends on him, where he is at, the personslity of the person and if it lasts.

    Remember that the only person who can change J is J and Im not sure he isnt happy just doing things his way. Non conventionally.

    But he knows how and where to get work when he wants so he is able to take care of himself the way he wants to. Thats great!!

    Some people prefer physical work to work that requires deep thinking but is more or less sitting behind a desk. There is the great feeling of exercise, accomplishment, instant gratification and worker commaraderie at jobs like that....I never laid bricks but due to my learning challenges I have had more mindless busy jobs like childcare and restaurant and being a school bus aide work and you have to do a lot of quick thinking, you are on your feet, and the co worker teasing is quite fun! Its NOT boring!

    Construction can pay well, as you know, especially if you arent paying taxes.

    I think J does know how to sustain himself. At this point he prefers a non conventional life. In time this can change. Right now isnt forever.

    Enjoy your day!!!
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2018
  4. Elsi

    Elsi Active Member

    Agree with SWOT here! N's wife has been WONDERFUL for him - but he was already more than halfway there. It would not have worked if he were not already well on his way along the path on his own. And even then, there were rocky moments in the beginning. They rushed into it too fast. They seem very strong now together and N is working hard to stay on the path. But my daughter in law is very strong. She definitely takes a leading role in the family life and holds high expectations for N. I know she would not put up with him if he fell off the wagon or acted in a way that put the boys at risk. And he knows it - so yes, there is extra incentive for him. But it has to be something they want and are committed to anyway.

    C's relationships have been disastrous because he is not ready. And when they ended it set him back a long way each time. I do not want to see him in a relationship until I am certain he is clean, has his temper problems under control and is strong enough to face disappointment if it doesn't end well.

    I am thrilled to have my daughter in law in my life and my grandsons, my older grandson she brought with her into the marriage and the little one they have together. We've established a strong relationship outside of my relationship with N. She calls me her "American Mama". If N EVER does anything to mess this up, I will be heartbroken - and I think he knows that, too!

    I hope J finds someone, too ... when he's ready for it. I think he will. He is making steps forward, in his own way.
  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I chuckled when I read that Copa, but I don't deny that my son's fiancée has been a bit of a lifesaver. Literally, he got to move in with her and had a place to stay (on and off) not long after he arrived there. Her parent's wouldn't accept him until he worked, so to live anywhere, he had to do that. That was good. She's very young, only 20, but seems like a pretty strong willed girl. I don't think she'll let him get by with freeloading. In fact, he just got a new job after losing the old one in October. Must have had a time getting one! But he's working again, fast food-ish place, but working.

    I wish mine would work a physically demanding job, but scrawny boy wouldn't try. He does have some pre-existing scoliosis I didn't know about until he was too old to fix, so his back is prone to aches...but showing up at 5 a.m. at the day labor places would put food on the table.

    I'm glad for this post and that your friend gave you some peace of mind, glad for you that J is healthy and working.