witzend
Well-Known Member
Why would you pay for a lawyer or take time off work? How many times have you been arrested?
I do! I do!
Arrested
- Thread starter bluebell
- Start date
Why would you pay for a lawyer or take time off work? How many times have you been arrested?
I do! I do!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Who does this? Who kicks their son's drunk 18 year old friend out on the street and tells their kid they are getting a restraining order for them on their 18th birthday? I cannot believe this is my life.
Who does this? I would. What right does this kid have at your house being drunk and what gall does your son have slapping his family around? I also probably would have called the cops on your son for shoving everyone around BEFORE your hub slapped him. That was super-not-smart on his part.
If this is your life, your son has serious troubles and should not be coddled. Have you ever gone to Al-Anon?I would not help your son if he ends up in jail. He has quite a bad attitude and is heading for serious prison if he doesn't realize it's a big deal. A GED will not help him if he is in jail or prison. His behavior has to change before he can live any sort of normal life. And you shouldn't in my opinion make it easy for him to act so thuggish. Tough love.
Because of son's violence and drunkenness in my home, if he were mine, all his money would have been cut off long ago. I did this to my daughter and she actually got a job!! And any electronics I'd stop paying for. The car? I'd be terrified he'd get killed in a car accident and driving my vehicles would be off the table. I would never give him a present for a GED. Or for anything with how he is acting now. I am unclear, but hope he isn't going to get a vacation which he will ruin out of his horrible behavior.
You have got to learn detaching with love. If not, your own life will be destroyed and his won't be any better. You will both go down. Why get him a lawyer?
Why do friends (and his friends sound more like demons than friends) come over at all on a weeknight or at all if this is how they behave? My daughter was banned from having any of her "friends" in my house. Yes, MY house. YOUR house. YOUR house, YOUR rules. If he takes control, not only will you have no peace; your son will get the idea that nobody can touch him...he can be a criminal and nothing will happen to him. A bad message.
At eighteen I finally had to make daughter leave. You may have to do the same thing.
husband should go for anger management.
Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. I know it's hard.
Who does this? I would. What right does this kid have at your house being drunk and what gall does your son have slapping his family around? I also probably would have called the cops on your son for shoving everyone around BEFORE your hub slapped him. That was super-not-smart on his part.
If this is your life, your son has serious troubles and should not be coddled. Have you ever gone to Al-Anon?I would not help your son if he ends up in jail. He has quite a bad attitude and is heading for serious prison if he doesn't realize it's a big deal. A GED will not help him if he is in jail or prison. His behavior has to change before he can live any sort of normal life. And you shouldn't in my opinion make it easy for him to act so thuggish. Tough love.
Because of son's violence and drunkenness in my home, if he were mine, all his money would have been cut off long ago. I did this to my daughter and she actually got a job!! And any electronics I'd stop paying for. The car? I'd be terrified he'd get killed in a car accident and driving my vehicles would be off the table. I would never give him a present for a GED. Or for anything with how he is acting now. I am unclear, but hope he isn't going to get a vacation which he will ruin out of his horrible behavior.
You have got to learn detaching with love. If not, your own life will be destroyed and his won't be any better. You will both go down. Why get him a lawyer?
Why do friends (and his friends sound more like demons than friends) come over at all on a weeknight or at all if this is how they behave? My daughter was banned from having any of her "friends" in my house. Yes, MY house. YOUR house. YOUR house, YOUR rules. If he takes control, not only will you have no peace; your son will get the idea that nobody can touch him...he can be a criminal and nothing will happen to him. A bad message.
At eighteen I finally had to make daughter leave. You may have to do the same thing.
husband should go for anger management.
Hugs for your hurting mommy heart. I know it's hard.
Last edited:
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
One more thing. My daughter was nabbed for pot possession twice. The second time I was the one who called the police. Under no circumstances did I want her to think it was ok by us or that she'd have us to stick up for her. She quit using all drugs, even stopped smoking cigarettes. It did not happen that day, but it happened. I am convinced that it is better to take a hard attitude against this drug use than to enable it by trying to get the charges dropped. He is still a minor anyway.
Your goal, of course, is for him to quit. Make it hard for him to be a drug user, not easy. And make it expensive for him to be one. And boring (no toys on your dime). I cried every time I did something like that to my daughter...but it did work.
Your goal, of course, is for him to quit. Make it hard for him to be a drug user, not easy. And make it expensive for him to be one. And boring (no toys on your dime). I cried every time I did something like that to my daughter...but it did work.
bluebell
Well-Known Member
I have to pay for the lawyer because I make 'too much money' and he is a juvenile. I do not want the charges dropped. He snuck the kid into the house, I was not aware of him. husband did just finish 6 months of anger management, it helped, but not enough - I don't know what man could deal with that kind of abuse. I just called the cops. He raged again all morning. He jumped the fence and came back when they were gone. He is no longer raging. He has nothing from us, we've quit providing anything but clothing food shelter and a ride to the GED place. The GED is not my idea, it was one of his goals from when he was hospitalized, I could give a rat's *ss what he does with his life. He said he has nothing to lose, so he's going to make us pay. He can't be the only one who is punished.
witzend
Well-Known Member
Where do you live that you have to pay for your kids lawyer when they're committing crimes? I've never heard of such a thing! He has the right to have a lawyer, not the guarantee to have a lawyer. Never ever pay for his lawyer again! Perhaps he isn't eligible for a legal aid lawyer because of your income, that just means that he has to pay for a lawyer if he wants one. FWIW, he's over 16 years old. They can try him as an adult if you ask them to, and you should. With his record they won't pussyfoot around - especially when he acts out.
You need to have him declared a minor out of control and get him out of your house now. I don't know why you'd wait until he's 18 years old. Your husband needs to keep his hands to himself before he ends up in jail for child abuse and you lose everything you have. You and your husband need to stand together on this. Have a phone at the ready at all times and call the police when any violence of any kind is started by your son. If they show up and your son has marks on him you can be sure you and/or your husband will go to jail and it won't be juvie. Where would your 14 y/o easy child be then?
By "any violence" I mean punching walls, in-your-face screaming (intimidation and threats of violence by an individual who has previously been violent) throwing things at you or just throwing things, breaking things, brandishing a weapon, making threats of violence. The list goes on and on. If you have to ask yourself "is this violence" it is. Get yourself to the bathroom or the bedroom or into the car and call 911. Don't give him a head's up that you're calling 911 so that he can hop the fence. Does he have any clue what could happen to him if he actually were to try running from the police while they're there?
He tells you that he can't be the only one that's punished? Oh heck to the yes, he can! If he thinks he's going to punish you for his transgressions he should have another think coming right quick. If you don't want to involve the police you need to suck it up and put him into a treatment center again. You can have transport come to the house and get him. He can go quietly or not. They know how to take care of not going quietly and they will. You don't have to worry about lethal force with paid transport and he really should worry about that with the police. You don't owe him any explanation whatsoever, and you don't have to warn him. Put him in the treatment center and tell them you don't care if he stays there but he's not coming home because you' and the rest of the family are frightened of him - PERIOD.
FWIW, you can count on him making a child abuse complaint against your husband. You need to get him out before he escalates it to something none of you can take back.
Last edited:
bluebell
Well-Known Member
Thank you witzend! That is 100% what I needed to hear!
On another note and this will reveal where I live but there was a terrible tornado that caused horrible destruction just miles from our house last night. difficult child started tuning up during the sirens, power outages, etc. This is so insane, people were losing their lives and homes! We could have if the wind had blown in a different direction. This puts things in perspective in a strangely symbolic way.
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
On another note and this will reveal where I live but there was a terrible tornado that caused horrible destruction just miles from our house last night. difficult child started tuning up during the sirens, power outages, etc. This is so insane, people were losing their lives and homes! We could have if the wind had blown in a different direction. This puts things in perspective in a strangely symbolic way.
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
witzend
Well-Known Member
Well, I guess that no one can claim that he isn't consistent in his selfishness. Typical difficult child stuff to think that their getting drunk is more important that people dying. I'm sure that in his mind he really truly believes that, too.
I'm glad that I didn't freak you out by being so blunt. Not having the denial is a huge step to getting on the right track.
Your answer narrows it down, and I don't need to know the details. I was more asking which state you live in because laws as to parental responsibility can vary by state. From what I can understand from your answer, you don't have to pay for an attorney for him, he's just not eligible for legal aid. Fire the lawyer if he has one. Send any lawyer that you've ever paid for a notarized letter stating that you will not pay any further legal fees as of the time their office signs for your letter. That ought to put a stop to a lot of the nonsense.
I'm glad that I didn't freak you out by being so blunt. Not having the denial is a huge step to getting on the right track.
Your answer narrows it down, and I don't need to know the details. I was more asking which state you live in because laws as to parental responsibility can vary by state. From what I can understand from your answer, you don't have to pay for an attorney for him, he's just not eligible for legal aid. Fire the lawyer if he has one. Send any lawyer that you've ever paid for a notarized letter stating that you will not pay any further legal fees as of the time their office signs for your letter. That ought to put a stop to a lot of the nonsense.
dstc_99
Well-Known Member
Witz is right! Have him declared out of control and then document by calling the cops anytime he is violent. Anytime he gets violent have husband and daughter go to a safe area and make that 911 call. This will keep husband out of the area and daughter safe as well. You can go with them. If you are locked in the bathroom or bedroom when the cops arrive then you can make them let you know when to come out.
Witz gave you good advise, a therapist once said to me having a kid with bipolar was similar to being hit by a tornado... my response was it's worse; tornado does its destruction then it's over with a bipolar kid it's like the tornado comes back over and over again. There have been several times I wondered if Angel was gonna kill one of us. She came too close too many times. You need to do what you need to do to be safe in your home; you will get no judgement here.
One thing I would have done different with the drunk friend, I would have called his parents and told them to come get him or piled him into a cab headed to whatever address is on his ID. I myself have trouble putting an intoxicated person out to fend for themselves because if heaven forbid something happened to them I don't want to deal with the guilt.
I'm still working on the detaching thing but it's hard especially when get into a situation where need difficult child to tie your shoes for you Know what I mean?. Of all my kids Angel was the one who really stepped up to the plate and helped me; the youngest well thats another story for a different post and I've hit my typing limit for today.
Stay safe and stay in control, he's not the boss!
Nancy
One thing I would have done different with the drunk friend, I would have called his parents and told them to come get him or piled him into a cab headed to whatever address is on his ID. I myself have trouble putting an intoxicated person out to fend for themselves because if heaven forbid something happened to them I don't want to deal with the guilt.
I'm still working on the detaching thing but it's hard especially when get into a situation where need difficult child to tie your shoes for you Know what I mean?. Of all my kids Angel was the one who really stepped up to the plate and helped me; the youngest well thats another story for a different post and I've hit my typing limit for today.
Stay safe and stay in control, he's not the boss!
Nancy
SeekingStrength
Well-Known Member
Bluebell,
I have been thinking the same thing---can you not emancipate your son? I'd say, start the process tomorrow.
by the way, i think we may live very close to each other!
I have been thinking the same thing---can you not emancipate your son? I'd say, start the process tomorrow.
by the way, i think we may live very close to each other!
bluebell
Well-Known Member
Nancy,
Yes I do feel a lot of guilt about telling the kid to leave (storms were over by then by the way), the cops today told us we should have called to have him picked up. I don't know why I didn't think of that, it's not like the police are not on speed dial anyway.
I'm hoping he's ok, I'm sure difficult child would tell us if something had happened to him. He's all about pointing out the consequences of our mistakes. How ironic....
Blue
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
Yes I do feel a lot of guilt about telling the kid to leave (storms were over by then by the way), the cops today told us we should have called to have him picked up. I don't know why I didn't think of that, it's not like the police are not on speed dial anyway.
I'm hoping he's ok, I'm sure difficult child would tell us if something had happened to him. He's all about pointing out the consequences of our mistakes. How ironic....
Blue
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
KrisfromNJ
New Member
I went through this very thing. I learned the hard way. If difficult child requires or is recommended to get a lawyer you can "choose" because of your income to get one. You do not have to regardless of your household income get a lawyer. Most states are $30k or more household income, parents are responsible to pay if they choose to get a lawyer. You can represent your child in court instead. If you do get a lawyer though your responsible to pay for one depending upon minor laws.
In cases of violence or violent acts or threats of violence, if a mental health diagnosis exists, you can call the police and state the facts and they will transport him to a hospital for observation. At the end of the evaluation there is an involuntary commitment hearing. You can say you do not feel safe having difficult child at your home and refuse to pick the child up due to safety issues with other children or for the fear of your own safety.
My Husband held my son against a wall when he was out of control and the division of youth was contacted because my son told his teacher at school. Because my son did this, it opened a case so when I refused to return my son to my home after a violent act they placed him in residential treatment. It was the only way my son got the help because I too could not afford to pay the 75k a year it costs or for programs such as boot camp.
It is drastic but I kept custody and did not lose custody. Division of youth does not want custody of your kid, trust me. That is a threat because the hospital wants to turn the bed as quickly as possible. Your a parent that cares. If this is to extreme then once he is placed for observation they must... Must make sure the child has a stable placement prior to releasing them. This could be treatment and other things. But bottom line.... Get it documented every time so you have a history...
Be very careful and don't think that those violent acts are just small things. Believe me they can and will eventually escalate.
I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out
Kris
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
In cases of violence or violent acts or threats of violence, if a mental health diagnosis exists, you can call the police and state the facts and they will transport him to a hospital for observation. At the end of the evaluation there is an involuntary commitment hearing. You can say you do not feel safe having difficult child at your home and refuse to pick the child up due to safety issues with other children or for the fear of your own safety.
My Husband held my son against a wall when he was out of control and the division of youth was contacted because my son told his teacher at school. Because my son did this, it opened a case so when I refused to return my son to my home after a violent act they placed him in residential treatment. It was the only way my son got the help because I too could not afford to pay the 75k a year it costs or for programs such as boot camp.
It is drastic but I kept custody and did not lose custody. Division of youth does not want custody of your kid, trust me. That is a threat because the hospital wants to turn the bed as quickly as possible. Your a parent that cares. If this is to extreme then once he is placed for observation they must... Must make sure the child has a stable placement prior to releasing them. This could be treatment and other things. But bottom line.... Get it documented every time so you have a history...
Be very careful and don't think that those violent acts are just small things. Believe me they can and will eventually escalate.
I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out
Kris
Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
