Article on Detachment

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, May 1, 2013.

  1. WaveringFaith

    WaveringFaith Member

    Thank you so much for this article, RecoveringEnabler. I will print it out and keep it close to me always, as a reminder of what I need to do. This is the only thing that will save my sanity, and my relationship with both my difficult child and my younger son.

    It's time for a change.
  2. DadInMinn

    DadInMinn New Member

    Like most profound thoughts, this list of truisms seem so apparent, so obvious. We know all of this already, don't we? But somehow, we either actually do not "know it" or we instinctively know it but forget to live it each day.
    I'm going to lift a few choice selections, print them out on a sheet of paper, and post them where I can see them every day.
    Thanks, recoveringenabler.
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  3. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I copy and pasted the whole thing into a word document kept on desktop of my computer. Makes it easy to find or print portions of when needed.

  4. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Recoveringinabler, thanks so much. I wouldn't of realized that I am most assuredly thinking irrationally. I'm so new at this...the main thing I keep telling myself is that "what will he do without me, I'm all he has". I feel this way because it's true.Help me somebody! other than Jesus who really is sufficient as the scriptures say... I think its that I'm feeling guilty in that who I married has affected his life in a major way... like he could've had a better replacement for from his real father who walked out of his life when my son was only 8 years old. My son never even got to say good-bye to his morning he walked him to school and that was it he never saw his father again. I had to press charges against my ex when I learned he was sexually abusing his sister (she was 12 at the time) . I had all the counselors telling me I was a hero which I kept telling them "I'm no hero, just a mother" like what mother wouldn't believe when their own daughter tells her this. It's a silent epidemic unfortunately , and this was a sick man who after just a year and a half in jail was set free... like all the other pedifilles out here. I thank God my daughter who is now 24 years old is an overcomer. Jesus was her best friend through it all , she 's going to graduate from college in a year and I am proud of her. You would think she would've been the one to turn to drugs but it was my son and as I said I sometimes feel if I had chosen someone else to marry my son would've had a better example to look up to. My husband (his step-dad) is very strict...has never shown my son any love. No hugs or anything ...he himself used drugs in his past. He grew up being beaten by his own father etc. but he's a grown man. Am I to feel guilty from marrying a man who is mean? I also feel bad because my son has no other relatives, no one who really cares about him but me.

    I probably need to be in a separate forum all together since there are additional issues here but they are connected because my son has knowledge of the abuse of his sister, he could be trying to deal with it himself. I had to tell him ( not in detail ) because he kept insisting he wanted me to get in contact with his real Dad so he could live with him. Both my kids did go to counseling but I do think because my son is older now he may need to go for further counseling. If he agrees to go...would the judge see it as him trying to get help..just as if he went to a recovery house? after all, it could be the underlying issue causing the drug abuse.
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2014
  5. sadcat

    sadcat New Member

    wow thank you
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Those of you who are new here and just read that wonderful list basically outlining detachment, remember you just had your first introduction. For me, detaching took time, thought, great effort, counseling, prayer and personal strength.

    Our difficult child (adopted as an infant) has bipolar disorder, but also had brain surgery for an aneurysm. Sometimes, it is / was hard for me to tease out everything...mental illness vs difficult child business vs possible brain damage vs immaturity. But, I was sure mixed in there were inappropriate behaviors, entitlement issues, un gratefulness, horrible choices, etc.

    She moved out when she was 19. We were somewhat lenient until she turned 21. That gave her a little extra time. She is on disability, because she is ill and can't hold down a job. She has improved in teeny tiny increments, but at least she is going in the right direction.

    We had several profoundly difficult years.

    Today, She gets herself to the psychiatrist for her appointments via bus, she does her own food shopping and it is extremely rare for her to be rude to me or her father.

    We help her very very little financially etc. Today, Her water heater broke and she came by the house and took a hot shower, had a little dinner and left and said "I love you mom," before she left. She does have mood swings,and was grouchy on the phone with me earlier. I do not tolerate that and got off swiftly. She apologized for being grouchy and
    Said she would probably talk with the psychiatrist about her medications.

    Things are NOT ideal, but by practicing detachment, they have improved. I pay for the phone and have turned it off for a week at a time when she has been rude. Now, she thinks twice before being rude on the phone. The phone is her yearly birthday present.

    I have health problems and her very difficult behaviors...there have been many crazy things...major fights with people, an arrest, she moves every six weeks approximately, losing things, moves without taking her property, crazy rants....blah blah blah... Can be hard on me. Well, I don't let any of it concern me anymore. I wish to enjoy life as best as I can and worrying about it doesn't help her one bit.(re read that sentence)

    She is an adult, and it is her life. Since she has some health concerns, I am willing to help her a little ...that's about it. If she is rude to us, that little bit of help goes away (unless she quickly apologizes and corrects her behavior).

    It is what it is. Life moves on.
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    Last edited: Sep 18, 2014
  7. Letitgo

    Letitgo New Member

  8. clarabell1997

    clarabell1997 New Member

    Need to find a way to tape this whole post into my minds eye, so it is on the forefront for me at all times. Maybe one point at a time...thank you.
  9. Lostmom75

    Lostmom75 New Member

    Hi I'm very new here but I am lost. Detachment is what I need to do but I don't know how and am so scared that I will lose my son. I'm just not sure where to begin but I'm so scared and worried.
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  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Why not start a thread all your own? We can give you feedback on what we did and what has worked for us and you can decide if these things may work for you too.
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Lostmom, I'm off to work now so can't elaborate, but it would work best for you to begin your own thread. If you have adult children then try Parent Emeritus, you will then get more support.......I'm glad you're here........hang in there........
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Great article. Thank you.
  13. Estranged2015

    Estranged2015 New Member

    Thank you for the link, recoveringenabler! I've finally seen this now, and want to read it over and over.
  14. SuperG

    SuperG Member

    Thank you for posting this. I've printed it and will carry it with me.
  15. Hope1972

    Hope1972 New Member

    can I get this emailed to me so I can print this off? Very very informative. Thank you.
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  16. Hope1972

    Hope1972 New Member

    I can't figure out how to message you my info. :(
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Go up to the upper right hand corner of your screen and find Inbox, if you click on that there should be a private message dialogue box where I've started a private message with you. Within that box, you can put your info.
  18. My name is Mud

    My name is Mud New Member

    This is exactly what I needed. Thank you <3
  19. Stephers

    Stephers New Member

    Thank you, OMG, thank you. I needed this today. I am going to copy it to my phone so I can read it until this is flowing through me. So well put together. Self help and personal growth going down right here.
  20. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    Omg, magsweet! What happened that he was bleeding?

    Can you start a new thread perhaps & give more details? Under the Parent Emeritus section?

    I think more ppl will see it. So glad you found CD:).