Article on Detachment

[Willowbe]

This is awesome....I have been researching detachment and this says it all. Thank you

 

[Donna illig]

I'm glad you're finding value in the article on detachment. I see what you mean and it seems to make more sense the way you are stating it. However it is stated though, the irrational thinking is that somehow we end up being responsible, that something we do or don't do will determine the fate of another human being. That illusion of control is what keeps us stuck and what keeps us from recognizing our true powerlessness over the choices of another. I understand the thinking that the sheer force of our will can save them ..........it that were the case, and believe me I have often wished it were, there would be no need for this forum because every one of us would have pulled our difficult child's straight out of wherever they are...................but..........we are here...........hang in there.........hugs......

 

[MsMlzTwoGo]

This is the first article that I've read since joining the forum. I need this so much. I'm struggling with a bipolar 23-year-old adopted so who just trashed my room and TV because I wouldn't do anything about the neighbors smoking weed in their apartment. Called the police and they wouldn't take him because things had calmed down and he refuses any help. I'm on my 4th day of attempting to separate myself and detach because this was the final straw. More has happened it the past... but this one did it.

Do you suggest guardianship to force help or continue to let him crash and burn?

Thank you...

 

[recoveringenabler]

Ms Myles, welcome. I'm glad you're here with us.

You may want to remove your picture and your name if that is your real name. This is an anonymous site and it is better for all of us to remain anonymous to protect us and our children.

You've replied to an informational thread, try posting your own thread on one of the forums which fit your circumstances, like Parent Emeritus or substance abuse......

Read through the different forums, you'll find much support here.

You're not alone!

 

[Nomad]

Ditto to above poster
We have an adopted bipolar daughter ,
adopted from infancy
She is a little older than your son
No way would I live with her
She was just with us for a few days for the holidays and it was extremely difficult!!!!!!
I would give him a warning that if he destroys your personal property again you will immediately call the police and then do so
I would also at least begin to consider future living arrangements for you or him (separate places)
Would lean against guardianship
Does he take medication?
Yes, consider a separate thread with a little more info

 

[Copabanana]

Do you suggest guardianship to force help or continue to let him crash and burn?

I will look for a new thread from you.

Do you know how to do it?

Go to forums, perhaps choose PE and you will see a blue button on the right side, I think, that says post new thread.

Why not tell us some of your story? I have a similar situation and while I reviewed guardianship, decided it would not be helpful in my son's case, and potentially would put me in a difficult spot.

Welcome.

 

[MsMlzTwoGo]

I will look for a new thread from you.

Do you know how to do it?

Go to forums, perhaps choose PE and you will see a blue button on the right side, I think, that says post new thread.

Why not tell us some of your story? I have a similar situation and while I reviewed guardianship, decided it would not be helpful in my son's case, and potentially would put me in a difficult spot.

Welcome.

Just learned how... I will share my story. And yes... I'm not sure guardianship is the way to go.

 

[MsMlzTwoGo]

Ditto to above poster
We have an adopted bipolar daughter ,
adopted from infancy
She is a little older than your son
No way would I live with her
She was just with us for a few days for the holidays and it was extremely difficult!!!!!!
I would give him a warning that if he destroys your personal property again you will immediately call the police and then do so
I would also at least begin to consider future living arrangements for you or him (separate places)
Would lean against guardianship
Does he take medication?
Yes, consider a separate thread with a little more info

Thank you! I will share the rest soon. He doesn't take anything anymore. (smh)

 

[BusynMember]

I think you need to go to court to prove need of guardianship.

 

[Edward B. Artiaga]

Thanks for sharing.

 

[seek]

The article is very helpful, thank you.

Bri: I am also a new member - resonate with what you wrote (for many reasons) - would PM you, but I don't know if "Conversations" are private (yet - haven't figured out the site).

 

[seek]

How can the article be printed (sorry, I'm new).

Thanks

 

[recoveringenabler]

Perhaps copy and paste it.

 

[RN0441]

I have a snipping tool program on my work computer and I used that to post it to a word doctor.

 

[seek]

Thanks - it won't let me copy and paste, but I printed it (with a page range, so it wouldn't print the entire thread).

 

[Mama5]

Thank you! I copied and pasted this article to my desktop. Will read it daily!!

 

[Memedixie]

For some reason this article has disappeared off of my posts so I've posted it in it'

What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

What are the negative effects not detaching?
If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:
* Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.
* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.
* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.
* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.
* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.
* Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
* Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
* Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

How is detachment a control issue?
Detachment is a control issue because:
* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."
* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
* If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.
* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.
* It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.
* You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
* They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
* You need them as much as they need you.
* You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
* They have so many problems, they need you.
* Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.
* If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
* How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
* You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.
* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.
* When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
* When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
* When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.
* You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.
* You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
* You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.
* No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.
* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.

 

[Memedixie]

I am so lost. I need help. Can't sleep but will have to try. I will write more this weekend. Detachment is my only hope.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm sorry Memedixie, hang in there and write this weekend, you're not alone, we're here....
(((HUGS)))

 

[Littleboylost]

We are in the next phase of detachment we can not enable our son any longer. We can not invest more in his recovery that he is willing to do himself.

We have asked his support services to relocate him. We love him and can no longer allow him to reside in our home.