I agree Busy but this is good for me. I needed to get out. I have let them both son and daughter hold me hostage.You should not feel that you have to leave your own home. It should in my opinion be your safe place.
I will speak from only what I believe. I think that there are people with narcissistic personality disorder, and I think that there are many more people with narcissistic traits, and still many more with "healthy narcissism" because some self-regard is a good thing. But I think also that what looks like narcissism can arise from drug use and other addictive behavior, and I think it can arise from extreme self-indulgence. I don't think narcissism in the clinical, diagnosed sense is helped by medication as it is a personality disorder. I also want to add that narcissism is "popular" at this point in time. People believe that they can diagnose their mothers and their siblings, on the basis of what their relationships feel like.Is it a mental illness? Can they stop it or does it take medication?
I did this for a very long time with my son and with M. And then things happened with respect to each of them, and I ended up alone in my house. And little by little it became glorious. I have spent 3 days washing windows and blinds. What a blessing.At home I spend most of my time in my bedroom when I come home from work to avoid confrontation with my son.
Maybe when the dust settles you can get some ducks or geese or chickens for your backyard. I am going to. There's a house downtown that seems to have at least a dozen geese (too many to be legal but nobody seems to care). He lets them out every day into the front yard and onto the sidewalk. He's on the corner in a big victorian house. I see them out there all the time.I couldn't see the ducks and geese any longer.
NOOO! What I am worried about and you too (see below) is the boomerang effect. What comes back at you as a consequence of telling them.I guess it wouldn't be right to text them that I would like them out.
If you are having this kind of fear, I would back off. You seem to be concerned about two things, your ability to cope, and what your son and this woman might do to you, whether it would be to hurt you or to act in such a way as to cause stress and discomfort.I am getting really anxious and scared. I just hope between the extra stress at work, my recent distancing from my daughter and telling my son to move out doesn't take me somewhere I can't return from.
You did not abandon your daughter. She abandoned herself. You helped her by enabling. I hate to be harsh but it's true. The vast majority of women in this world raise children alone at some point. They do their best to house and feed them and to provide care. In this society there are all kinds of supports for your daughter. If she had relied on them, instead of you, she would have had greater pride and independence, and a sense of her own efficacy and potential. I am not blaming either of you. You both chose this. Now you're choosing differently. You are not wrong.I also think about how abandoned my daughter must feel and how worried she must be about what she is going to do.
Of course. Anybody could relate. You are wise and strong to resist this impulse, I believe.I have moments where I have to refrain from texting my daughter.
I'm sorry to be blunt but this is pure nonsense. Your money is yours. Theirs is theirs. Adults in our society generally make their own way. This is not communism. Our system entails adults establishing separate households. When there is communal housing, with multiple generations, that functions, the families either all contribute financially, or they each provide something so that the household functions. I have a friend whose in laws live with her. They help watch the kids, they cook and they clean, they ferry kids to school. But the central difference is that the arrangement is consensual and respectful.I do feel like I shouldn't feel good about having more money for myself at their expense
Nooo. You're right. Don't talk to her about it. That's my sense.I know it wouldn't be a wise move on my part to discuss this with her.
It wouldn't be good for us if we could just say abracadabra and have all of our problems disappear. We need to do the work to transform ourselves. That's the deal.MI would like to take the garbage off that plate and put it in the trash.I just wish it were that simple.
Look. We are mothers. Mothers love their children in loving ways. They protect their children. They advocate and support their children. This is biologically and genetically driven. And now?It must be so frustrating for you to watch me flopping around like a fish out of water. I am so wishy-washy
I was about to say I didn't feel this way. But I did. I guess I suppress it. I felt ashamed in front of my sister with her perfect daughters, and I felt shame in front of my neighbors who gossiped about me.Feeling ashamed and embarrassed.
These feelings of failure are your enemy. All of us feel them. But it's important to recognize they need to be marginalized. This is the ego talking. The ego is reactive. It joins up with the superego. There is nothing good that comes from this voice. It can't be allowed to run the show, like an evil master of ceremonies with a whip, standing on a box.Realizing just how bad I failed my children.
In my faith there is the idea that all of us are broken. And the idea that the cracks are where the light comes through. And that light is divinity and G-d. If we didn't have cracks we would not grow. Think of a concrete sidewalk with a crack, and through that crack grows the most beautiful flower. That's what happening for you, here. And me, too.Showing how weak I really am.
A big one is not being capable of handling my own problems.
I'm this way too. I have found my own need to be almost intolerable to bear. I think a lot of us on this forum have this kind of personality. Very high expectations of ourselves, highly invested in the idea of being capable, self-reliant, pushing down feelings of dependency, vulnerability, like they're shameful. And then all hell breaks out in our lives, and all of a sudden, we can't cope. Yet, now is our opportunity to integrate these feelings into our real lives, to be vulnerable, to deal with shame, to have personas that reflect the reality of who we are. This is a good thing.The one everyone came to. I never learned to reach out myself. Funny thing is, the reasons on my list, I never thought any of those about anyone else.
This is so.the truth is I really don't have but one option if I am going to do any good for my children or myself.
We are in positions where we have to turn out our children. Expose them potentially to arrest. Deny help. Turn a blind eye. Withhold support that we otherwise would be free to give. We have arrived to a situation where in order to protect and care for our children (as well as ourselves) calls for us to take actions that are absolutely contrary to who we are and have been. It really is as if to turn around an ocean liner in the sea.
Having to reconcile these two opposite poles is not an easy thing. It takes many people many years to do so. This is NOT wishy washy. It's understandable.
Good. If you want to go that route, I would check out what the tenant landlord rules are in your state, for giving notice and follow them, putting it into writing and complying with all steps. I would always lock my door, and get a deadbolt put in. For right now, you can secure the door with a broom or something like that. Just google it. But I will tell you what I really think.I just flat out told them they need to find a new place to live as soon as possible.
That alone is enough to get him out now, with a restraining order. I would call the cops NOW. He has a documented history of violence against you and a record of anger management issues. He forced himself into your room against your will, and verbally threatened you, whether or not he spelled it out. The intent was to intimidate and to threaten. If it were me, knowing what I know now, I would call the police NOW and get them out NOW this minute. This will step up. He will escalate. You are a prisoner with him there in the house. This is the time to choose. Every minute you wait you empower him.He opened my door and used some choice words.